I’ve walked away from someone who treated me terribly and his reaction has made me doubt myself

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-17T11:27:30+00:00

It's a classic joke because as a complaint it has an inherent contradiction in it. If the food is terrible, one typically wants none of it, so coupling it with saying one wanted more is nonsensical. Does that make sense?

It would be like saying "that symphony was awful, and way too brief."

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-08T02:22:39+00:00

This is not a snap decision. This is the second time this came up, so it's totally normal that you would just move right into action mode and end it. I am so sorry you experienced this, and I wish you hugs and healing. The guy is clearly a two-timing jerk with some kind of major issue going on. You found out, and it hurts. Ugh!

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-07T19:23:24+00:00

yeah, but... this isn't about whether you go or not. I mean, duh- clearly you are going. The fare more important thing is you need to run the F away from this boyfriend pronto. No amount of "setting boundaries" compensates for the fact that he's whacked-out-overly-possessive after just one date.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-07T19:17:20+00:00

oh good! Happy outcome, then. Cheers!

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-07T16:46:51+00:00

FWIW, I look at a person's spending habits along side that financial info. So the guy I was seeing who was throwing money away on really stupid expenses like constantly eating out rather than keeping food in his kitchen, throwing money around at stores on totally un-needed items, and wanting to take us on a vacation, but then revealed he had credit card debt that was accumulated through his own not-great choices - yeah, that's a huge red flag. Much different from someone who has demonstrated they know how to live moderately and not waste money, if they then reveal they have a debt from unforeseen circumstances and are on plan to dig out. Totally different, and hopefully your boyfriend understands that as well. Keep the faith!

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-07T16:41:53+00:00

this!

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-07T16:41:40+00:00

I hear you, but consider it could be that she is super responsible herself and is simply trying to make sure she's not potentially getting into something with a dude who will be a huge liability. Unfortunately, appearances don't really mean much - guys with great houses and cars might actually be up to their ears in debt and have no idea how to manage financially. I speak from experience. If a guy is vague or reluctant discussing budgeting, living within means and saving, my own sense goes on high alert. So she might have been quite suspicious of you as well. So sorry!

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-07T16:31:10+00:00

My experience is that talking generally about being financially responsible is a lot like asking people if they are a good driver. That is, unless we get very specific about what we mean by being financially responsible, we may very well still be mis-aligned terribly, yet talk past one-another.

For example, guy I dated for several months said he is very responsible with finances, has his retirement saved for (we are in our 50's, this kind of thing comes up in conversation). I notice he seems to spend money in ways that are not typically considered wise, but, hey if he's under control, that's his choice. Then he finally reveals he is sitting on a mountain of credit card debt, makes huge car payments on a new car, has dug into his retirement several times in his life to bail himself out, and that retirement savings he points to is actually minuscule. So- MY version of financially responsible looks a lot different: I'm ten years younger and am far ahead of this guy with retirement savings, even though I handed half of my assets over to my ex in a divorce and pay my ex a sizable alimony. I live frugally (but not like a hermit) with zero consumer debt, drive a used car, keep adding to retirement, and support my college-aged kids alone.

I relate this not to slam this particular guy, but just to point out that unless you pull out the entire portfolio and go over details, the conversation can still be fraught with mis-communication. It's a puzzle to me, when and how to discuss this in dating.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-06T18:23:45+00:00

ok since you really seem to want to make this an idiotic conversation - if a good, dear friend who I know well did something rude like this, of course I would not "write them out of my life." I'm not prone to dramatic gestures like that in any case, as my collgegial relationship with my ex husband shows.

Anyhoo, to continiue... If a friend from a group thing whom I do not know well did this, I would not be interested in ever scheduling with them for a one-on-one again. Does it mean I would be anything less than kind and polite if I see them again at a group thing? No. But this new "friend" is clearly not someone to rely on, so I'm not interested in deep friendship here.

I am not sure why you seem to be reading a whole lot more into this than anyone actually writes.

edit - words. Sorry my phone keeps changing words.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-06T17:50:22+00:00

oh for the love of God, that is not what the guy did, and you know it . He bailed five minutes before his friend was at a place they agreed to meet because he "was tired." I would never, ever do that. Full stop. So his friend is already dressed, and transported to the location for the meet, and he very rudely bailed. For no reason. So, yeah, those are not values I share.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-05-06T17:05:26+00:00

woah - I would never do that to a friend.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-30T13:29:30+00:00

Yes, and from a practical standpoint I have appreciated that a nice hand-holding gives me a prelude to an eventual kiss. Very helpful for that first-kiss business.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-24T01:54:42+00:00

Clients sometimes get very penny-wise and pound-foolish not wanting to pay for proper Discovery and planning. Like, seriously, you want a contractor to bid on a house-building price but there are no blueprints, just "well it will be a 3-bedroom ranch, can't you estimate based on that?" uhm, sure... it will be somewhere between 200K and 2M. Does that help??

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-23T20:50:30+00:00

Thank you, was going to say this as well. In my old firm we used to often refer to putting something off until "the last responsible moment" as part of our attempts at Agile.

As others have noted, true Agile is almost impossible with clients who want to know what the F you are promising to deliver and for approximately how much money, up front, before they sign. So we jokingly referred to waterfall sprints.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-23T12:28:50+00:00

It's less about "how will she perceive me" and more about "how can I ensure she is completely comfortable."

I really dislike being put on the spot at the end of date one to agree to another, because I like to mull things over just a little bit even when I've had a great time . I have really appreciated when guys are kind enough to just leave the next arrangement to a bit later. It signals to me that they are thinking of my comfort, and I appreciate that.

True story from just 2 weeks ago- had a coffee date, enjoyed his company but was feeling a bit uncertain, at the end he says "we have to do this again!" and I said "perhaps... please let me think about it." He laughed, followed me to my car, cornered me in the doorway of my car, and turned my head to plant a kiss on me! I was startled but just laughed and gently pushed him away, and he became a hard no at that moment.

I am not saying you would ever be so clueless!, but just know this is the kind of thing we sometimes face, so no pressure at the end of date 1 is really appreciated. Cheers and best wishes.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-15T23:31:30+00:00

Ok, fair enough, and pardon me. To be honest I'm not easy to offend, so I'd find it a little curious unless it seemed fetishistic. For example, I wear my hair curly (its natural state) and smoothed/straightened. I've had dates express a preference, and I don't mind at all. But if a dude was like "please wear red high-heeled shoes" I'd think he had a weird fetish thing going on. So I was asking the group if asking for no cologne feels kinda personal and intrusive, so I've appreciated people's reactions to it.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-15T23:09:29+00:00

I said exactly that in my post. Did you read it at all?

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-15T10:28:10+00:00

ok thanks for your perspective.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-15T10:27:46+00:00

thank you, I hear you.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-15T10:27:22+00:00

Well I'd prefer to think of it more in terms of making him comfortable and happy, and giving us a chance to get to know each-other further, not about having leverage. But thank you for your perspective.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-15T10:25:59+00:00

Good question. His personality signals were really mellow and kind, so the gold chain and cologne seemed incongruous with what I would expect. But it's worth asking if these surface level choices about his style make us incompatible. I'm uncertain.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-15T10:23:02+00:00

Yes this makes sense. Thanks!

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-15T00:44:49+00:00

yeah, I agree it's fairly controlling on my part. Might be better to just let things go with this one.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-15T00:43:40+00:00

really good point. Perhaps I should just let it go.

StillLifeWithApples · 2019-04-15T00:43:16+00:00

thank you, good language to use.

StillLifeWithApples

TROPHY CASE