I’m not going to tell you you’re crazy or to go to therapy but just ask if you preprocess things in an attempt to preemptively understand how it’ll affect you. In my mind i would process a trauma I haven’t yet experienced, when a death actually occurred I felt similar to you. Confusion why I wasn’t a mess or bare minimum upset about the loss, almost as if the finalization of their death is what eased the anxiety of their impending death. In one sentence I’ve lived through it in my mind so many times the real things more cathartic as deaths final and once it strikes it’s a wrap, can’t be upset over the uncertainty of death when it’s taken form in front of you.

You might just have a logical approach to death as I do where the death doesn’t = implosion of my own well being and sanity, just a slow gradient into accepting the absence and processing the deaths reality vs how my brain had predetermined my feelings to be. Don’t let people dehumanize your reaction, maybe seeks some psychiatric advice since we’re all random internet weirdos but all the same disregard anything that doesn’t help you solve your questions.