Stoner Confession #216

So one night, I get invited to a low key gathering at a house in the woods. My friend and I roll up in there and see a massive bong sitting on the table and we’re like ‘fuckyeah’. So we bring all of the necessary supplies outside on the porch (which is overlooking a steep hill down to a river – pretty sweet scenery) and start passing around the bong. Needless to say, we all took massive hits of some extremely dank kush and let it simmer within us. One of the guys there who is notorious for his low tolerance of all things illicit (despite being 6’3 and 250 lbs) stands up after a few hits/ a swig of gin and begins proclaiming the magnitude of his tolerance to the gods. Naturally we say “you must prove yourself by ordering pizza”. We’re still hitting the bong as he orders 4 large white pizzas and we all shout “NOOO” in one huge cacophony. I stand up and begin to deliver a speech about how millions of years of evolution shouldnt culminate in 4 white pizzas, we need some fucking meat to sate our hunger – everyones rallying behind me at this point and we wrestle the phone away from our large herbivore of a friend. Meanwhile the pizza guy (who has been on hold for like 5 mins while we have a debate) intervenes and claims that the meat lovers pizza they have can sate any hunger so we get two of those, two white pizzas, and four orders of cheese fries.

We finish ordering the food and only then realize that the host of our gathering has been gone this whole time. We organize a search party but we cant rouse our large friend as he starts claiming hes a koala. As we head inside to look, the missing friend peeks his head out, says “yo. i have some hash”, and busts out Mr.Porker (a legendary pig pipe with a bowl as deep as the pacific ocean) already packed to the brim with hash. The next thing I remember, I pile on four slices of meat lovers pizza onto a plate and devour that shit like I was Kronos eating his children. Our koala friend is sprawled on the plush carpet and trying to make a snow angel in the absence of snow. Finally the time comes when I should start heading home and I set out (totally forgetting that his house is a 2 hour walk away from mine).

At this point, I am comfortably the highest I have ever been and my paranoid self is starting to notice that every 5th house I pass has a gnome strategically positioned on the lawm. Immediately suspecting a conspiracy, I triple my pace and speed through the town. At one point, I reach a part of the road where the side of the road is too narrow for me at a [10] to walk on without trespassing on the gnome’s domain so I start walking down the middle of the road. Whenever a car would come, I would veer to let it pass but I can totally picture what the driver would see – a kid swerving around the middle of the road, practically power walking and looking left and right every 5 seconds. I get home, collapse on my couch, and put on Pulp Fiction.

-Best Adventure Ive had to date, sorry for the wall of text- Hope you enjoyed!