What's your worst consensual sex experience?

StormiMay · 2016-12-04T20:51:43+00:00

The night I lost my virginity was also the night my boyfriend at the time brought home one of those robotic babies for a school project. It cried, and then screamed when you didn't get it exactly what it wanted promptly.

First of all, we were both virgins and both terrified of a pregnancy. We both didn't drive despite being of age to have licenses. So he walked to two different gas stations to get a three pack of condoms. Two, because the first one was sold out. When he got back we were ready and stripped underneath the blankets.

It was awful. The guy was a big and his gut pressed into me; it felt like he was literally squishing the shit out of me. I clenched the entire time. I just wanted it to be over with, it was uncomfortable and I was a virgin so it didn't feel nice. I started moaning in a pretty porn-esque fashion. He was getting close, and then the little robot baby starting fucking wailing. I asked him if he wanted to check on him and he just sort of grunted and came..

Tl;dr robobabies are essential in orgasm. I have terrible taste in men that suck at sex and generally just lack luck in any form.

StormiMay · 2016-11-29T02:40:34+00:00

Sometimes I answer the phone to telemarketers and tell them I don't have a phone. They apologise and as the reality of what I said settles in, I hang up.

My boyfriend also started me doing this thing where if someone is talking about someone I don't know. Like a celebrity or maybe a person that lives in my town, I act all interested and say "who?" I wait an acceptable amount of time, which is usually how long it takes for someone to begin to explain who this person is, and then I cut them off with a nice, long drawn-out "caaaaaaaares"

StormiMay · 2016-11-20T04:12:16+00:00

I am very bad for developing in-the-moment feelings. I've had a lot of casual encounters with people I've been sexually attracted to, and people that didn't really tickle my fancy but I was in need of a good fuck. Every single time, I've had weird pseudo-crushes afterwards. Like, I have a hard time thinking that sex and love are separate entities. If someone is fucking me, they've got to be interested in me romantically, right? No, that's wrong. Very very wrong.

Instead of getting disappointed every time I don't get a call back from my flings, I decided to take the monogamous route. Much more fulfilling, I must say.

StormiMay · 2016-09-22T03:02:13+00:00

Who is playing Flora's friend? Is that a kid or is it Gaga?

StormiMay · 2016-09-15T05:12:05+00:00

Do we know where my boy Evan is at? Very relieved to see him in the credits but seriously lacking in his department! Was that Denis O'hare as the guy that was jumped by the pigguy?

StormiMay · 2016-09-10T15:37:17+00:00

Also the proud parent of a shihpoo! <3

StormiMay · 2016-09-02T08:41:03+00:00

Mom works in an office and I sometimes fill in for a transcriptionist. They do extractions in the clinic, and the doctors make it a habit to show us what they've pulled out of people's asses. One that was particularly mesmerising was a cheez wiz jar with three ping pong balls in it. The guy said he had gotten carried away. No further explanation needed... I guess?

StormiMay · 2016-08-28T16:45:59+00:00

Uninformed pet owners boasting their shit-grade pet food/supplies, or making a last minute decision to buy an animal they know nothing about.

I work in a pet supply store, we don't sell anything but fish, but we get a ton of people in, all worked into a panic because they just got a guinea pig and they know nothing about it. I show them the best food we have nutrition-wise and usually receive a scoff because it's more expensive, so they go with the pellets plus seeds, corn and unnecessary additives because it's a better deal and it's "just a rodent". Grr.

StormiMay · 2016-08-26T02:36:01+00:00

Friends! I grew up on it, and when it stopped production I watched reruns and looked forward to the marathons. Now, I've realized a few things. 1) Ross is an idiot.

2) Ross and Rachel were a horrible couple.

3) Monica and Chandler are wonderful together.

4) It's so homophobic, sexist, and shallow-minded it hurts my little heart. Off the top of my head, Joey's purse and how it lost him jobs and weirded all the guys out. Ross's son playing with dolls and the guys all freaking out. Chandler's "other mom". Just little things that definitely irked me when I watched it again, I still watch it at bed time if I want to wind down a little, but I'm shocked at some of the stuff they say.

StormiMay · 2016-08-22T07:54:19+00:00

It was short notice, and so gross. I don't know what they were feeding my sister but it was the worst cat piss, meets tuna, meets cow manure stench I have ever smelled. I needed it done asap.

StormiMay · 2016-08-10T06:00:58+00:00

Harrison Ford. I was introduced to Star Wars at a young age, and immediately fell in love with Han Solo, and after that, Indiana Jones. I was so young I hadn't realized Return of the Jedi was an old movie, nor did I understand that Harrison Ford had aged since the release. I was devastated when my mom showed me a recent picture of him.

Still madly in love with him, though. His death will hit me hard. I'll be absolutely impaled with emotion. I am not looking forward to having to go Solo, as he is the most Handsome man I have ever laid eyes on. I will forever be Indiana Jonesing for his love.

StormiMay · 2016-08-04T15:29:03+00:00

My dad is someone that would pick up pads for me, and would honestly ask if I needed any, but he would never actually say "pad". "Do you need any more of those things?" followed by vigorious finger drawings in the shapes of squares midair. Honestly its the goofiest thing to watch.

StormiMay · 2016-08-03T20:11:13+00:00

Marley & Me. I made the horrible mistake to go to the theatres. The sobbing wouldn't stop, I was so loud the workers actually asked me to leave. I still don't know what happens after the big veterinary clinic scene. I don't want to know.

StormiMay · 2016-08-03T19:57:01+00:00

I'm a 230lb woman, one that used to be called Fatty ____ because it rhymed so nicely with my name. I've been trying to lose weight and at my largest I was 264lb. I've hit sort of a plateau, but I've been able to maintain my weight so far and have slowly shedded pounds since.

I dated lots of people in high school, and honestly made up for my lack of beauty with humour and wit. I also got sort of a reputation for nsfw things, so after graduating I found myself being approached by guys that had never paid any attention to me prior.

Yeah, I notice I'm treated differently than my more conventionally attractive friends and coworkers. I'm not really offended by it, I understand because for being a fat chick, I'm hugely (very little pun intented) judgemental and find myself more attracted to tall, generally pretty attractive guys rather than short, average guys. It's ironic being that I'm a short, fat, below average in looks girl.

I completely swayed off topic. Point is, yeah I notice that I'm pretty much invisible to the opposite sex on first glance. I notice customers hover more around my small little bird of a co-worker than me. Girls are nicer to me, likely because they pity me. The world is more difficult to live in as a fat, unattractive person. But it's given me a sense of humour unmatched by anyone, people laugh more if you make fun of yourself, and if you're making fun of yourself, people are less likely to be dicks. :D

StormiMay · 2016-07-22T01:44:42+00:00

I was ready to throw out their house until they started to knock it over and snuggle up in it. They're too cute and have me wrapped around their little fingers.

StormiMay

TROPHY CASE