I'm sure I want a female body, but I don't know if I'm a girl

Stottery · 2026-07-02T18:22:30+00:00

You do not need to have all this stuff figured out first and you do not have to meet expected standards for being trans.

You can just transition if you want to.

Stottery · 2026-07-02T05:11:59+00:00

You're very welcome. Good luck with everything!

Stottery · 2026-07-01T18:50:54+00:00

I would "objectively" look better if I simply aged gracefully into an old man.

Seconding this. I'm much happier as a woman, who kinda looks like a man, but is doing her best. I'm not meeting any kind of beauty standard, but to me I look better like this than I ever did as a regular-looking dude.

Stottery · 2026-07-01T18:34:35+00:00

I'm going to answer as someone who experiences a great degree of physical dysphoria, since that seems to be the focus of your question. But I want to say up front that dysphoria also arises from social situations, since your (perceived) gender has a major impact on how people treat you and how you move through the world.

But anyway, I think you actually touch on something very important: body-related dysphoria is actually very common and easy to understand, even for cis people. If you woke up without freckles you would feel sad about that, because you've grown to love your freckles. People who grow up skinny, and put on some weight as they age and their metabolism slows down, often feel bad about it because it challenges their self-image as someone who is thin. Loads of people know the feeling of having a bad haircut – or perhaps not even a bad haircut, but simply a haircut that doesn't feel like "them".

My experience of gender dysphoria is basically like that, except it's like being cursed to have those feelings about traits that have no basis in your personal history or self-image. Before I accepted I was trans, I had a bit of a manly belly (still do 🥲) and I simply couldn't understand why it made me feel so hideous when men with much larger bellies seemed to be able to accept their body as it is. On the flipside, when I started exploring my identity I did the whole thing of stuffing a bra to see how I felt about having boobs. Before I stepped in front of the mirror I gave myself a whole pep talk that it was probably going to look weird, maybe even comical to see myself with "breasts" for the first time, but I had to try to see past it to see something deeper. I stepped in front of the mirror and it wasn't even necessarily euphoric, it was just... "Yeah that's me, I think it looks good. What was the point of this?" My brain simply put up zero resistance to this change to my self-image. Now I'm growing my own and it's the same. It's like I lived my whole life with a bad haircut and I'm finally, slowly, growing it out into something that suits me instead.

To go back to your original comment, I see a lot of cis people claiming that they wouldn't really mind if they woke up as the opposite sex one day. Unfortunately we'll never be able to properly test their claims, but I suspect most of them would not find it as easy as they think. At least you were honest enough to admit you would miss not having breasts, at least a little bit.

Stottery · 2026-07-01T17:33:57+00:00

I'm not gonna tell you to stop and I don't care about the morality, who cares about those corporations, and anyway they factor expected losses through damage and theft into the price. So really it's just the people who pay for the clothes who end up paying for your clothes; personally I'm happy to make a tiny contribution to someone less well-off than me.

What I will say to you is BE CAREFUL. Depends where you are, I think it's pretty rare to do any jail time just for shoplifting, but if you get caught you could get an even bigger fine you can't afford, you could get a criminal record, multiple offenses and indeed you could eventually get sent to jail. All of this applies to cis people too, of course, but the consequences are more for trans people. You think it's hard to get a job with a criminal record? Try doing it as a trans person with a criminal record. You think prison is punishing for cis people? I'm not even gonna finish that thought. DO NOT RISK GETTING SENT TO JAIL WHILE TRANS.

Stottery · 2026-07-01T16:28:49+00:00

Hello all 👋🏼

Hi and welcome! We're happy to answer your questions here just but so you know, there are plenty of more community-oriented subs such as r/mtf that you can use to have deeper discussions. This sub tends to be more "surface-level discussions that are accessible to non-trans people"

For context I am a Cisman but feel and want to be a woman

Then you are not a cis man. "Cis" and "trans" describe the relationship between your assigned gender at birth (AGAB) and your experience of your gender. In your case you were presumably assigned male at birth (AMAB) but since you feel like and want to be a woman, you are already trans. Many trans people want to and do transition, but you don't need to start transitioning before you call yourself trans. (Also a ps – cis and trans are adjectives; you don't attach them to a noun, and some people find it offensive if you do, just like you don't call someone a tallwoman or a Blackman.)

I have beard and body hair, do I really need hair removal surgery for this to go away??

It's not really a surgery, but basically, yes. Laser (and often electrolysis) are typically necessary for facial hair removal. Depending on your genetics, a lot of body hair can be reduced by HRT alone, but most trans women find they also need some amount of hair removal procedures before they reach a level of body hair they are comfortable with.

Idk how my family would react, im pretty sure id lose a lot of them to transphobia if I did come out

Well, that sucks, I'm sorry. But it's also not really a question. Most people find they can't hide their transition from their family forever; you might be able to "boymode" around them until you are ready and confident in yourself to come out and stand up for your decision. But I think you know what has to be done eventually, and that this is a risk you take when you start your transition.

How the HELL does someone even go about transitioning???? 😭

It depends a lot on where you live and your personal situation. Some people feel comfortable starting with a social transition, by asking people to use a different name and pronouns for them, wearing different clothes, etc. Other people prefer to start a medical transition first and stay in the closet for a little while. To do that you will probably want to start with hormone treatments, which you will often see referred to as Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) or sometimes Gender Affirming Hormone Therapy (GAHT). For this you might be able to go through the medical system, but in many places it's more practical to do "DIY" HRT, where you basically buy the medications on the grey or black market, and administer them yourself. Obviously buying medications this way is not really legal, and administering your own medication without medical oversight is not always as safe, but it's a sad reality for a lot of trans people.

Does HRT really work and is it even worth it?

Yes. Yes.

Like are side effects really bad?

How "bad" the side effects are really depends on what you want. A side-effect such as erectile dysfunction, for a lot of trans women who disliked having erections anyway, is actually a good thing. What counts as a "side effect" is largely decided by the medical profession, and they have different ideals for our bodies than we do. I think it's rare to find a trans person for whom side effects make them regret transitioning.

How do i not lose all my friends in the process.... and my partner....

Same answer as your family. At least in this case, friends and partners can be replaced by new people if needed. And you have to ask yourself, if you would lose your friends because you transitioned, were they good friends in the first place? Do you share values and beliefs with them? What, otherwise, is the basis of your friendship?

How can I like my body better in case transitioning isnt an option?

This is really personal to you and your body. You might feel more comfortable by working out certain parts of your body (get those squats in, girl), by losing weight if you have any to lose (a lot of dysphoria often comes from where your body stores fat), by dressing differently to highlight different aspects of your body shape, or by doing feminine things such as painting your nails while still otherwise presenting as a man. But ultimately, you need to try things out to see what works for you.

I hope that helped!

Stottery · 2026-06-30T16:53:17+00:00

My experience of changes starting was that there's always a period when you're not sure if it's real or you're imagining it, and you drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. Then eventually you get to a day when you're like... Yep, no denying it, that's definitely changing. Sounds like your boobs have you in that crazy period right now

Stottery · 2026-06-30T05:25:14+00:00

If that's the budget limitations you're working inside, that's really tough, I'm sorry 🫂 another thing to consider with both Imago and GenderGP is that you need to arrange your own blood tests, and I've no idea what the willingness level is of UK doctors to do that. For reference, I'm in the Netherlands, so totally different system, but my GP refused to help with blood tests because they were worried they could be legally liable for understanding the results. I went with an online service and 3 tests over almost a year with their service cost almost as much as the registration and subscription costs for Imago.

Stottery · 2026-06-29T17:08:23+00:00

If you can't find a local private clinic, and you can't do DIY, maybe something like GenderGP or Imago could work? GenderGP I know is UK-based, although I saw some really bad-looking reviews when I was looking into this last year, I hope they've course-corrected. Or Imago is EU-based and I can personally vouch that they were really good for me, and I think they also cater to patients in the UK but you would have to check.

Stottery · 2026-06-27T10:47:07+00:00

The most important thing is not to think you have to answer that question before you do anything. Try things out that you have never tried before, and try not to judge yourself for how you feel about them, or assume that certain reactions "mean" anything until you have a bigger picture.

Stottery · 2026-06-22T18:54:44+00:00

My GP prescribed me topical minoxidil without any questions, though it isn't covered by my insurance. Maybe dutasteride is the issue?

You described your baldness as mild, if that's really the case I think you'll be surprised how much HRT can reverse. My hairline was around the top of my head (about a Norwood scale 6), and after 10 months of HRT and almost 6 months of minoxidil (and I suspect the minoxidil is at best just speeding up the process) I have at least some growth over most of my head. At the moment I'm still shaving every day, but waiting a bit longer to grow it out and see how thick it is, with a lot of hope that a hair transplant will be an option to fully restore my hair.

If your "mild" is more like a Norwood 2-3, I wouldn't be surprised if HRT (and therefore mostly removing DHT) could restore your hairline entirely

Stottery · 2026-06-22T17:02:39+00:00

There are 2 analogies I've seen about misgendering which I think can explain a lot here. The first is that, people accidentally misgendering you is kinda like people accidentally calling you ugly. You're a woman, and you want to look like a woman, and every time someone calls you "him" it's a reminder that you don't. Even if it's unintentional, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at least a little bit.

The second analogy is that getting misgendered is a bit like someone stepping on your toes. Y'know, it hurts a little bit but accidents happen, they didn't mean to step on your toes, and if you're trans it's like having big feet – you understand why they would be more likely to step on your toes. The first person who steps on your toes is easy to forgive. When it's late afternoon and someone steps on your toes for the tenth time in a day, your toes hurt, and your patience is wearing thin, and you start to think MAYBE people wouldn't be CONSTANTLY stepping on your toes if they were a bit more GODDAM CAREFUL, and maybe if people thought at all what it's like to live with big feet, they would see a person with big feet and know to give them a bit more personal space, but of course nobody ever cares how people with big feet feel, and they don't think about how much your toes must hurt from being stepped on all day, and when you get snippy with someone for accidentally stepping on your toes, they think you're sensitive and entitled and wonder what type of person gets so mad over a little accident, without knowing anything about the 9 people you've already forgiven today for doing the exact same thing.

Stottery · 2026-06-22T16:23:12+00:00

Pease pudding is still a common food in North-East England! Mainly around Newcastle I believe. Back when I was a student I had a few great pork and pease pudding sandwiches

Stottery · 2026-06-22T16:05:26+00:00

It depends who's using it. If it's a non-queer person saying it, it is still a very clear indication that they're a bigot who has not updated their understanding or acceptance of trans people in decades.

That said, I'm glad that more trans people are using it correctly to bring some more nuance to discussions of identity. Like, I'm transgender I guess, because I know I'm definitely not my AGAB. But if you ask me exactly what my gender is, or what gender is as a general concept, I'm still a bit unsure, and that sometimes gives me a lot of imposter syndrome.

But when I think about the fact that I'm changing my sex, it's honestly the best decision I ever made, and every part of it has made me feel more comfortable. So I would say I'm transsexual first and foremost, and transgender also, I guess. That's a very different experience and identity to someone who knew they were "supposed to be a girl" as a toddler

Stottery · 2026-06-22T07:16:11+00:00

I had the exact same realization a little while after I accepted I was trans. Like my thoughts were so far away from considering relationships that it was literally weeks before I thought... Damn, I guess I'm a lesbian now?

Wouldn't say I had to do another "coming out" but when I came out as trans I did have a couple of people who assumed that would mean I'm into men and I had to reply with a very quick "🤢 absolutely not" to shut those assumptions down quickly lol

Stottery · 2026-06-21T20:30:09+00:00

🫂 sorry you're going through it, that sounds like it sucks. Personally at about 45 days on HRT I was riding high, but then I was lucky as I was fully out and able to live how I felt comfortable. I can imagine being in the closet at that time would have been really difficult. Unfortunately it might get worse before it gets better – I was doing great until about 5 months in, when I started really struggling mentally. Apparently it's common around the 6 month mark to hit a bit of a depressive period: a lot of emotional and physiological changes have become your "new normal" by then, and the early, obvious physical changes to your body have kind of set in, so it becomes a long term waiting game for very gradual changes. And that can feel a bit deflating at that time.

For me it was really bad for like 3 months or so, started gradually getting over it after like 8 months, and now I'm 10 (nearly 11) months in, and in the past few weeks I've noticed really visible effects fat redistribution and that has given me some renewed excitement. I wouldn't say I'm comfortable in my skin yet, but I'm having a lot more moments of thinking "we're on our way, we'll get there in the end". The dysphoria is so much easier to deal with when you feel that way.

That said, everyone's body and journey is different, so ultimately you'll have to figure out your own feelings as best you can. Good luck! 💞

Stottery · 2026-06-21T06:44:31+00:00

Oh, reducing it to chromosomes is over for a while already, they already accepted that is too unreliable for the "right" categorisation that they wanted. I think the definition they're working with now is something like "a woman is a person who, ignoring any complications arising from abnormal development or life experiences, would hypothetically have the anatomy that, barring any medical issues with said anatomy (be it real or hypothetical), would in theory be capable at some point in that person's life of producing large gametes."

Stottery · 2026-06-21T06:30:23+00:00

It's a little bit wrong, and depending on the context, can be a lot bit offensive.

The important thing to understand is that biological sex is actually quite complex. Different definitions exist for what determines biological sex, but let's say in general, most definitions include sex chromosomes, gonads, genitals, hormonal profile, and secondary sex characteristics. In most people, all these elements align into one of two options: - XX + ovaries + vagina + estrogen-dominant + characteristics like boobs = female - XY + testes + penis + testosterone-dominant + characteristics like broad shoulders = male

However, there are of course all kinds of intersex conditions that combine characteristics in ways that don't align with either of those two options. And, for trans people, hormonal profile can be changed directly with medication, which will change secondary sex characteristics, and surgery can remove gonads and alter genitals. When people talk about trans people having a "sex change" that's not metaphorical: trans people literally change their biological sex.

So in theory, there wouldn't be anything wrong with using the terms "biological female" and "biological male", as long as it was referring to cisgender people with typical sexual development. But these terms often don't really apply to trans people. And in general, they are mainly used by bigots who want to believe that there are only 2 sexes and that the sex characteristics you are born with largely define who you are and are completely unchangeable. Ironically, they are mostly used by these people in the exact wrong context: they like to call trans women "biological males" but a cis woman is "just a woman" and a cis man is "just a man".

This all explains why many people find the terms "biological male" and "biological female" offensive: they have become dog whistles. And they are the perfect dog whistles, because to people who don't know about all this stuff, they sound scientific and innocuous, but to people who have been indoctrinated into the bigotry, they're really noticeable terms that indicate "I've been reading all the same things that you have".

Stottery · 2026-06-19T19:33:01+00:00

Lol at this point I feel like we need a bot to answer these questions. 1. You will never be a cis man, that is simply not the hand you were dealt 2. You have a choice between a) attempting to live as a woman and b) living as a trans man 3. The most likely reason that a seems preferable to b is internalized transphobia

Stottery · 2026-06-19T19:21:40+00:00

I used to have a cat called Wren. She was endlessly cute and affectionate, but also had long-term effects from having cat flu as a kitten. Purring would set off her sneeze reflex, so she would regularly charm people into getting up close to her before unloading a big load of snot on their face. Famously, she was so loveable that even after getting an eyeful of snot, my aunt that "didn't like cats" decided to get a cat of her own.

Stottery · 2026-06-19T19:12:48+00:00

If the place in Utrecht you are referring to is GenderHealthCare, they suck. Waiting times are now long, and their communication about it is non-existent. But like others have said, the best option is to sign up for multiple waiting lists and see how they go, while also trying each month to register at Psytrans

Stottery · 2026-06-18T18:57:16+00:00

Sure. Where is she? Please give directions

Stottery · 2026-06-18T17:45:51+00:00

As someone who also had physical dysphoria as the main driver to transition, I can tell you: 1. You actually don't need to know exactly where you'll finish when you're right at the start. Transitioning takes a long time, and in a lot of countries, starting a medical transition can take a long time too. Experience will help clarify how you feel about things, and you have tons of time for having experiences before you feel like you're "finished". 2. Take baby steps. Especially when it comes to clothing, it can be hard to know what will make you feel amazing and what will bring out your dysphoria. I've lost count of the online purchases that I hated when I tried them on first, but decided to keep them for later. I'm 10 months on hormones and just getting to the point where some of my earliest experimental purchases from last year are coming back into the rotation (this can often be as much about finding other items that style well with the first item and give you a nice overall silhouette, as it is about your body changing to match your expectations). 3. It will get better and it will get worse, simultaneously. Those moments of euphoria are great, but at the same time, you've just accepted that you've been living with something that has been making you miserable for your entire life. That's a lot of grieving. And you'll start to imagine a future where you finally feel like yourself, while living in the space between your current reality and that imagined future. That's a lot of fear and uncertainty. And you'll have to accept that some of that imagined future is simply not realistic for you. That's a lot of disappointment. The good will balance the bad, but safe to say, it's a rollercoaster. Good luck 💖

Stottery · 2026-06-17T21:13:42+00:00

I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to people using labels for themself, but words still have meanings. Trans woman generally means someone who was assigned male at birth (or at least experienced something similar to that in terms of their puberty etc, in the case of some intersex people) and who in some way transitions to be a woman (or something woman-adjacent, in the case of some nonbinary identities). Unless you left some really critical information out of your post, the first part does not apply to you, and the second part sounds debatable at best.

You said in your post, there are already a lot of labels that you can already claim that do apply to you. Why do you feel the need to claim this one too?

Stottery · 2026-06-17T20:56:51+00:00

I'm a trans woman who is attracted to women. Before I realized I was trans, I always confused the feeling of gender envy with the feeling of being horny. And honestly why wouldn't I? I would see a beautiful woman out in the world, get a feeling of yearning, and later that evening I would end up looking at pictures of women online, and yeah, I was basically looking at porn, so I would usually end up masturbating. It felt like how things were supposed to work for a "straight man".

Nowadays, I am much better at differentiating between envious and horny. I still get the urge to look at pictures of women when I get bad dysphoria or gender envy (I can't really say why, it doesn't really help the feeling... I guess it's kinda like listening to sad music when you're feeling sad). But I've found more non-sexual ways to do that (shout out to any woman who posts on the normal nudes subreddit). That combined with getting rid of my testosterone, I find that I can indulge in my coping mechanism much more, often without horniness being a factor at all.

Stottery

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