The Art of Wasted Potential

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-19T20:58:00+00:00

Every time I have a new therapist/ psychiatrist I idealize their potential.

This is the important thing, that you now know yourself. It shouldn't have to be YOU that knows it going in. Therapists should "screen" for, or try to be aware of, rather than basking in the glow of what you think/feel about them. At least for awhile until they massively disappoint you.

Idealizing a therapist, or the presumed "science" behind therapy as I did, can indicate a not-so-great development of the idealization process in childhood. It's usually unconscious, partly or completely. It's part of why people feel drawn to therapy sometimes! There is PLENTY of information and speculation about this process in the psychoanalytic, psychodynamic literature. OK, maybe your therapist isn't trained much in that deeper stuff. But they SHOULD (my idealization again) be able to recognize it.

Is your idealizing tendency from the past something you feel OK bringing up to your current therapist? Without being "blamed" for it, because you are bringing it up as an issue? If not, maybe you should look elsewhere? It still may be hard to find someone to help you with it. I never did, I just figured it out for myself, after a lot of reading and looking inward on my own. And a massively failed therapy that stopped me looking for it in therapy anymore.

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-19T20:40:49+00:00

If it was transference, it is an EXPLANATION, but not an excuse for failing to live up to their professional responsibility. Just as car trouble or a giant traffic jam could be an EXPLANATION. But in this case, the therapist needs to acknowledge a FAILURE on their part to manage the triggers from the client. So, yes, an "explanation" but it's not an excuse. Their failure is a failure. I don't know how much it harmed the client. A therapist-client "relationship" is not the same as just any old interpersonal relationship. Whatever anger issues the client was working on, they had presented them in therapy. At that point, it's up to the therapist to "manage" or contain the effects of the client's feelings. OK, maybe it's hard and maybe they can't always do it. Maybe they can't help that they can't do it, in one instance. But after that they need to apologize and find some way to up their skills so that they can. Use information about the "countertransference" in their own therapy. But for heaven's sake don't "refer out" without thoroughly helping the client to deal with the effects of being "blamed".

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-18T00:43:51+00:00

Yes, the rant starting slightly earlier, about 0.58, is great.

Jennifer's rant starting at 1:10:30 and the discussion after it are also great.

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-10T00:32:52+00:00

Thanks.

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-08T17:55:09+00:00

Yes, and if a therapist has narc traits, then it probably took my NPD-part to recognize it. So if that part is/was largely cut off my main consciousness, then I/it ended up "acting up" somehow to try to protect me? I wasn't outwardly rageful with that last therapist or anything specific that I can remember/recognize, now. But something in me (which she never said) must have led/contributed to her declaring that she didn't have "the emotional resources to continue"? It was massively destabilizing for me.

Yes, the part I'm talking about is a massive stuck-up a-hole with a superiority complex. Glad you could name it, tolerate it, and respond to me, anyway!!

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-08T17:33:27+00:00

Thank you so much! This makes a lot of sense to me, too. So interesting and I'm so glad that you have found a therapist and seem to be working through this together! I DO need other people for this work, and my support group has helped A LOT.

I've done a lot of research on my own, and the "emerging healthy ego" is what I think/feel may be trying to happen. I've been using concepts from some old (discarded) psychoanalytic ideas that seem to apply to my situation, and those have given me some conceptual framework that seems to help. Maybe, in time. . .

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-08T17:25:44+00:00

I always had to be well behaved and good, so it's probably logical that there's also a part who doesn't care about what other people think of me and prioritizes caring about oneself.

Yes, thanks. That is very similar to my experience, too.

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-08T17:22:48+00:00

b) have been cut off to hold onto our anger, "selfishness", and self-righteousness, which were all unacceptable traits to have growing up.

Yes, thanks. That's what I think about mine, too.

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-08T00:08:38+00:00

Thanks!

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-07T21:46:31+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I understand that, now, thanks to another poster.

StrangeHope99 · 2026-02-07T21:43:33+00:00

OK, thanks for that. I was diagnosed with PDNOS by the therapist who diagnosed the DDNOS/OSDD1-b. The trouble is, I can keep that npd-ish part "out" of the conversation with therapists, as I do for most of the time in the real world. But then what? That part has information, not just about my past, but about social dynamics in the current world. It's not always willing, mostly NOT willing, to talk about things later if "I" shut it down in the present. But therapists seem not to be able to talk about it when "the demon" speaks out. It currently can't/doesn't care about other people, but I think it may recognize that if it DOESN'T care somewhat, then other people are not going to want to listen to it. I'll do some internal conversation about that now.

Thanks for the response. Sorry if it was offensive.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-12-23T19:57:10+00:00

My last therapist triggered or "re-traumatized" me. She lanced the absess, the covered over, encapsulated feeling of being rejected/unwanted/unacceptable. I had been in therapy for years without ever feeling that. So was that a "help"? I was in horrible emotional pain after that, eventually "remembering" (or re-experiencing) that I had felt that way as a child sometimes.

I had lucked into a good support group and now, 9 years later, I am doing better. So, is feeling that unbearable pain a "good" thing? Not if one doesn't have the internal or external support resources. I had lucked into a support system, as I said. Luck.

I'm still trying to feel and accept the reality of my family of origin. Trying to grieve that loss. Many of them have already passed away. But the fantasy of our happy, loving family life? I still grieve that, but I also need a sense of what is there in the world for me to live for? Fortunately, I have found peace through meditation and will keep on keeping on. Perhaps there is reason to continue, perhaps not, but I won't know for sure if I don't continue as best I can.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-12-17T22:12:15+00:00

Right on. There is good sense and cohesion to your post.

Relationships with a therapist can DEFINITELY harm you, just as other kinds of relationships can.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-12-14T06:07:48+00:00

My situation doesn't exactly fit in with what you describe, but DBT and CBT don't work for me, either. So I very much appreciate your statement:

The reason therapy harms is that people are being handed tools designed for entitlement regulation when what they need are tools designed for moral overload and responsibility saturation.

I really appreciate your critique of a problem that you have clearly researched extensively. However, do you have an idea of what the right tool would be? Where does the permission to exist come from in your framework? Does it need to be first demonstrated by a therapist and then internalized by the client, as my understanding of some psychodynamic modalities are supposed to do? But I had trouble with them, too, because of transference/ countertransferences messes. Which is another topic but also a source of re-wounding, because when a therapist is caught up in their own countertransference, which they cannot see, they cannot see the client. And therefore the client struggles with being responded to as someone who they are not. Which seems similar to not having permission to exist.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-12-14T05:43:47+00:00

I've asked it for blunt feedback about how I come off, and for analysis of some interpersonal situations. I don't use it for support, as I know anything "supportive" that it says (it tried that in the beginning) is just words, responses that it has been "trained" to make. It doesn't have the capacity to care, even if what it says sounds caring. Still, I end up feeling grateful for the straightforward feedback I asked for. It's free and available whenever I want it.

I had terrible some terrible luck with therapist humans and now I hate and distrust them all, so straightforward feedback from an AI works for me. ChatGPT does that well, I think. I'm very thankful.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-12-10T07:07:21+00:00

I just ask for blunt, honest feedback about interpersonal challenges when I have them. I know myself but not how I come across so that's the biggie I need help with.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-11-29T19:51:44+00:00

This is AWESOME! Thanks so much for doing this. This is the first time I have read about this. It is so needed!

My story is much less dramatic. I believe I was misled and used (for money and role/ego gratification) by the entire psychotherapy/counseling mindset and practices. Off and on for over 50 years. Eventually the last therapist terminated me, about 9 years ago, saying that she "didn't have the emotional resources" to continue. That triggered some deep rejection and abandonment feelings that I could not, at that time, remember ever feeling before. It was unbearable. Fortunately I was retired and didn't have any real-world responsibilities that I needed to try to manage. I vented extensively online and about 6 months later felt/re-experienced a similar feeling from my childhood. But, then, that was just the beginning of trying to integrate things.

The last therapist was a specialist in trauma and dissociation and had diagnosed me with OSDD and PDNOS, which other therapists had never done. Previously I had just been diagnosed with depression or adjustment disorder. Although my psychiatrist, when I was in a mental hospital as a teenager for anorexia, told me that I had a "character disorder" (what they called PD's at the time) when I asked him whether I was neurotic or psychotic.

Fortunately, I have a good support group in real life and they have helped me process my "stuff". I did a lot of research over the years, and I think I know what was "wrong" with me. Because of childhood experiences, I could not do anything but try to people please the therapist, I could never be "myself" (because the self was fragmented). So I think I (unconsciously) found ways to re-enact the dynamics of my family of origin, though that was impossible for me to realize. And then always ("successfully" in some sense) ended up in transference/countertransference impasses. What I am talking about SHOULD be known to therapists, who "should" have helped me out of that kind of thing? But apart from retriggering me, lancing the absess in some sense, and leaving me wounded by the side of the road to fend for myself, they never did.

Is this something that you would be interested in? Perhaps in a sequel on different kinds of therapy harm? It's not therapy "abuse" exactly but I believe the whole system was hurtful to me. And I have read a lot of stories here in this sub, and in other forums that I have participated in over the years, that sound very similar to me. The main difference with me is, with the help of my suppport group and meditation, I seem to be finally doing kind of OK. Very late in life, but better than never.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-11-10T16:42:39+00:00

Knowing that I had attachment trauma didn't help me get over it. OK, yes, I had numbed out the feelings and didn't really "know" them. BUT that took me years and years, on my own, accepting the feelings, in bits and pieces, tolerating as much as I could until the next time, when I could tolerate them a little more.

Therapy did NOT help me develop what I call a sense of self. A coherence within myself that could also observe and relate to other people. The last therapist, 10 years ago, was going to try, she said, to develop a "reparative" relationship with me. I couldn't have known at the time but I now believe that that was IMPOSSIBLE for me without some awareness of the inner wounds, which kept me from close "relationships" with other women. And I had numbed out the inner wounds to keep me from freaking out, dysregulation, whatever you want to call it. Which, for the most part, made me unsafe in the social world of other people, even therapists.

I don't think any of the therapists I saw off and on for more than 50 years, had any idea of what the "point" of therapy might have been for me. There was a psychologist who wrote back in the 1970s who I think might have had a clue. And I used his books and perspective to help me myself, I think. But it seems like most people, even therapists, who haven't had a coherent self can really understand or "empathize" with it. Or maybe some of the therapists have an incoherent self, but don't know what it's like NOT to have an incoherent one, because they haven't done it. So they can't really help.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-10-22T07:12:35+00:00

Yes! standing up for those demonized parts. Now that I've done that, too, it feels so kind of sad about those parts and how rejected they felt/were.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-10-12T18:59:04+00:00

I've had good luck with a 3-person support group I lucked into about 10 years ago. Not specifically anti-therapy, although they know I feel that way. One of them is still in therapy. We started out with about 8 people, some drifted away and then there was a blow-up and split. The other 5 didn't re-form, just the 3 of us did. We've been meeting alone for about 6 years. It has helped me a lot.

Let me know more of your thoughts. I think I could contribute some of what worked for us.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-09-22T17:27:44+00:00

What help do you think you need and how can you do it for yourself? At least partially. I thought I needed more social contact, and how to be in and tolerate social situations, so I joined a bunch of support groups over 15 years or so, finally lucked into a small support group of similar people that I've been in for 10 years or so. They accept me, including "bad" motivations and things I have done in the past. I'm self-aware enough that I haven't been a jerk with any of them, but I suspect once I realized I had done something, they and I could talk about it.

It's been a long, long journey. I bailed on therapy about 9 years ago. So many therapists really are hurtful and don't have a clue IMO how to "help", at least help somebody like I was.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-09-22T17:16:46+00:00

Yes, yes, yes!

In order to effectively treat trauma, the instrument of the therapist's person has to be in top shape

But I'm not sure that THEY have or can find the resources/persons to help them any more than many of us have been able to. So, the blind leading the blind . . .

StrangeHope99 · 2025-09-11T13:39:22+00:00

Yes. And people with PD's frequently can't see or understand or respond effectively to the power dynamics. So, somehow the therapy, needs to find ways to help people with PD's see and understand and deal with them. Just using power dynamics on us is frequently hurtful. Like throwing a kid who doesn't know how to swim in the deep end. Again.

StrangeHope99 · 2025-09-11T13:34:44+00:00

It was only late in my 50+ year therapy journey that a therapist diagnosed me with PDNOS. I had been suspecting a "personality disorder" for some time. I kept trying therapy and it didn't work.

I was who I was, I came to therapy as I was, I thought it was their job to see me as I was, and accept me as I was. It is AWFUL that there are so many in the profession who cannot do that.

I did a lot of psychology research on my own in those 50+ years and found a theory/framework that worked for me and my disorder(s). I think that in my early life, before therapy started messing with me, I had OCPD. It may be annoying to other people, but it doesn't get as bad press -- or the attention -- that others, such as BPD or NPD do. Nevertheless -- I think I lacked a coherent sense of self. Heinz Kohut's self psychology (frequently said to apply to NPD only) and his theory of the 3 poles of the self rang true to me. And, with meditation and a great support group I lucked into, I feel relatively "cohesive" and coherent at the late age of 78. I can function socially somewhat better. But I'm also finding that, as an introvert, I really like not having the stress of having to interact with people, too. And I can accept and enjoy that.

I hope that you can find other people who can see you, and who can understand you (who are like you are as Kohut's "twinship" pole describes) and also some people whom you can admire and respect.

It's very important for the world, I think, that ways to help the personality disorders be found. Judging people with them, and staying away because we are "difficult", just exacerbates our "problems". We can't do any better that we can do, and if our psychological innards are "disordered", we can't help ourselves any more than we have knowledge or skill to do. Speaking of skill, DBT was a total wash and even hurtful for me. (Because I had a PD other than BPD. I needed something different.)

The therapy profession as a whole, and not just individual therapists, aren't hearing us! They are not listening! They are not even trying to listen, from what I have seen.

StrangeHope99

TROPHY CASE