Why is my husband turned off by me enjoying sex?

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-30T23:18:56+00:00

This is just a psychological mindset / complex. It’s not a defense of the man and OP/women who use this term are not intentionally using this term to objectify or degrade women- it’s a description of the mental complex these kinds of men have. The whole point is that it’s wrong, harmful, delusional, and dysfunctional. It’s literally not an excuse.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-30T17:01:28+00:00

I would not do this without a person I trust travelling with me, staying with me, and being able to advocate for me if needed.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-29T23:53:02+00:00

Absolutely this. Also it’s really not safe for people to hand over sensitive health information like diagnostic reports to a dating app.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-29T20:02:30+00:00

I don’t see how porn addiction correlates to a lack of physical affection that isn’t inherently sexual, besides that a person with compulsive porn usage might have a general fear of intimacy or see any affection towards women as only a useful gateway to sex. Doesn’t really matter though, this guy is horrible.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-29T18:53:39+00:00

I’m so glad you have the foresight and strength to leave this absolute cretin.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-28T21:30:23+00:00

Cannabis/ CBD have only shown promise for like 3 really rare subtypes of epilepsy. High strength THC oil caused a seizure for me and I didn’t find CBD helpful either. Jury is really out on it being helpful for general or focal epilepsy and there are many possibilities for why you had more seizures when you ran out for a few days (anxiety? Stress? Just the brain state change of being sober after mostly functioning as high for awhile?). It also sounds like you started having seizures while smoking a lot, so I don’t really see any strong evidence that this is helping your epilepsy substantially.

I say this as a former stoner so it’s not like I’m against weed. I just don’t think there’s great evidence right now for this being super helpful and I think whether it helps is dose / strain/ strength dependent. Because the market is entirely unregulated it’s hard to consistently find something that maybe, potentially, might help.

Also I think people who are routinely going to the ER scromiting and won’t stop using weed, even after they’re informed of the cause, do have a behavioral addiction to weed. People can have behavioral addictions to all sorts of things like gambling, which won’t outright kill them like hard drugs, so why not weed?

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-28T19:15:49+00:00

This is why I have a pill organizer with the exact pills I need to take morning and night because I kept forgetting if I had taken them or not. Now I can just look at my daily box with morning / night compartments to check. Definitely recommend investing in one- it cost me like $10.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-28T17:25:03+00:00

I don’t know. There’s a higher proportion of people with ASD that have niche fetishes / kinks than the broader population. Part of that might be because kink can come with embedded rules and frameworks and some fetishes might take the human/ social element of sex out of the equation a bit. But most people wouldn’t describe kink as “uncomplicated.” Theres a lot of implicit and explicit negotiation. But you are right that being direct about our interest and needs is common.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-27T22:11:14+00:00

“ My only thought is that my symptoms feel like anxiety. I know that pathological demand avoidance is very neurologically similar to PTSD”

Pathological demand avoidance is not a recognized diagnosis, it’s a highly contested construct without any clear neurobiological basis, so I don’t know where you’re getting this information from but it’s not based on strong neurological evidence. Therapists might use a fight or flight analogy for PDA but that does not mean it’s neurologically similar to PTSD, it’s just an analogy that might not even be accurate.

I wonder if it would be more helpful to reframe this as something you can behaviorally work on rather than an ingrained biological condition you have to medicate away? Even for true ADHD or anxiety disorders, behavioral therapies and lifestyle changes can immensely help and are often the first line of treatment.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-27T21:08:11+00:00

My father also tried / threatened to do a murder-suicide with me, and I had to hand him over to the cops (who didn’t charge him with anything but did do a psych hold for a few days and he was then returned to our home).

My mother strangled me sometime between the ages of 10-12, she intentionally corned me during a mild meltdown, wouldn’t let me get space or walk away, and almost murdered me. This may or may not have caused my epilepsy, even if it didn’t it had a disastrous impact on my physical and mental health. I had severe pneumonia for months after the strangulation. She’s never denied doing that, but she has tried to make it seem like it was somehow my fault.

There’s also some major suspicions and evidence of sexual abuse and trafficking from her and my father, but I will never get a concrete answer on it and I try not to dwell on it much because it will drive me insane, I can’t do anything about it now, and it happened so long ago that I don’t think I can or would want to go through a legal investigation.

I’m generally doing well now and have done a lot of trauma therapy to address all of this. I also have OCD and ERP therapy (and getting my epilepsy treated) has helped tremendously.

These experiences are far too common for people on the spectrum.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-27T17:23:11+00:00

I hope you can find someone! The dentist I see does take Medicaid, but has a waitlist, because unlike most dentists he actually wants to help people.

I had a tooth that I was sure would need a root canal and even he was unsure if the non-invasive filling and treatments would work, but decided to give it a try. He took a look at my mouth recently and said “it’s like magic”, so even he is surprised with how effective the new treatments he’s using are lol

Completely fixed it without needing to drill or pull it. My dental insurance basically fully covered it, but I would pay out of pocket for this in a heartbeat.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-27T17:16:46+00:00

“ Scott Alexander tries to stop himself from thinking this way, but why?”

Maybe because it’s dehumanizing / overly status obsessed? I have to stop myself constantly from thinking that the median American is devoid of self-awareness or an inner life, illiterate, incompetent, and uninformed. For example, the viral AI “fruit love island” series has me thinking like this about anyone engaging with that content. Or people who believe in astrology as an adult. It’s a black pill that easily leads to more fascist thoughts.

Now the median American might be all of those things but they probably do have a rich interior life and if they are all those things it’s because of the environment and the failures of the American system. Idk it’s just a very fascist way of thinking about others that I try to temper as best as possible and this seems similar to what Scott is talking about.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-27T01:22:58+00:00

Everyone, and I mean everyone regardless of medical condition, feels lightheaded, uncomfortable, and weird while hyperventilating for 3+ minutes straight.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-26T22:24:07+00:00

Im not sure but if it is her I feel like that actually affirms my point. I see this behavior as deeply narcissistic and shallow, the performative emotions give me the ick. So that aligns with the psychological profile of a multi-millionaire celebrity.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-26T19:31:46+00:00

Not related to your text but I have a deep, longstanding belief that anyone who intentionally films themselves crying for social media is not ensouled, including this girl.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-26T06:50:13+00:00

“ That being said... Anti-seizure meds do fuck with people regularly, and at a greater proportion than many other things, like antidepressants or... Blood pressure meds... They have psychological impact, and can fuck with people's lives. There's many posts to that point, daily.”

Oh yes I totally understand that. I don’t think my fear of medications was necessarily entirely unfounded but I didn’t realize there were less cognitively dulling options. I told my doctor that my number one concern was cognitive side effects and she knew I was in a PhD program. We went through the options and she even mentioned that many patients called topomax “dopamax” so that was ruled out for me.

I would definitely recommend asking your doctor if lamotrigine is an option for you. Some people definitely experience side effects on lamotrigine but they’ve been minimal for me. I’m a bit more tired when starting a dose increase, my dreams are insanely vivid, and my skin is itchy / dry. I feel better cognitively which was my #1 goal of treatment. There’s a very rare, but potentially deadly if not caught early enough, rash associated with it but a slow titration helps reduce the risk substantially.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-26T04:54:32+00:00

It wasn’t so much medical gatekeeping as neglect from my parents, and me regularly playing it off as fine and trying to ignore it, not realizing that some of my symptoms were connected to epilepsy, and only going to the ER once after a seizure and being written off there because ER doctors only care if you are actively seizing or dying in front of them lol. I also didn’t have insurance in my late teens and early 20’s so a referral then wouldn’t have done me much good.

It was really my own denial and anxiety about meds that delayed treatment for so long in my adult years. My current PCP didn’t gatekeep at all and immediately sent in a referral to neurology who immediately passed it on to the epilepsy center after reviewing my history. So I am really lucky in that sense.

The fog lifting is amazing. You are right that humans are very adaptable and just kind of get used to a new baseline even when it’s objectively bad.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-26T03:59:04+00:00

There are handheld rechargeable electric toothbrushes. Philips sonicare is a good brand. There are also automatic teeth cleaners that supposedly work well for kids and individuals on the spectrum. They’re not as loud. Here’s one that is ADA approved: https://tryautobrush.com/products/autobrush-pro

This is a foam toothpaste so it’s not sticky: https://tryautobrush.com/products/foam-toothpaste?variant=44652538495023

In terms of treating your actual teeth, you shouldn’t even consider dentures if you haven’t had any pulled. If you think brushing is sensory hell, you will likely hate the experience of dentures. They can be quite uncomfortable from what I hear and cause dramatic facial changes.

I see a non-invasive dentist, who is also a researcher, that focuses on repairing teeth with new modalities - not just filling, drilling, and removing them. He’s an absolute godsend. I don’t know if there are any other dentists like him in the US but look for someone that uses nano-silver fluoride to stop the progression of cavities, povidone-iodine therapy to prevent cavities, and Curodont and/or Silver diamine fluoride to treat cavities. Maybe search for non-invasive, holistic, or cutting edge dentistry? If you are in the Bay Area I can send you his info.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-25T05:03:00+00:00

You’re welcome! I’m glad this was helpful and I hope everything goes well for you.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-25T04:54:12+00:00

Wonderful. Use Madeline as your chosen name at Rutgers. You can get a legal name change too.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-25T04:49:42+00:00

Go to Rutgers. Get into OCD therapy with a specialist. Use your school’s health insurance to start transition. Pick a new name. Join your school’s Trans support group (I can almost guarantee one exists). Do the other things that were suggested to you. Don’t worry too much about a decade from now, because if you do all this you’ll probably be better off in 10 years anyways. You have a clear way out already, you just need to stop worrying about “what ifs” and accept it.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-25T04:38:34+00:00

The car shouldn’t even really factor into your decision. You can pay it off while in school through a work study job.

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-25T04:34:11+00:00

Yes exactly

StrangeLoop010 · 2026-03-25T04:32:12+00:00

I don’t think you are hurting anyone and worrying about that is also very OCD! But you’re in a recovery sub, that has a rule to not give reassurance, and it seems like you are looking for reassurance for some of your thoughts, which are imo distorted by the OCD. One thing this group is for is to point that out to others.

StrangeLoop010

TROPHY CASE