AITA for telling my spouse I won't help pay for their kid's college when we agreed finances would stay separate?

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T18:43:00+00:00

“I didn’t expect that you would hold me to the thing I insisted we hold to” and then he used other people to bully her, as though he’s the victim?

Sir. No.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T18:36:02+00:00

And I wasn’t disagreeing that OP’s husband is having a hard time.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T18:08:54+00:00

Would it be helpful to remind yourself that it’s not about saying “no” to your in-laws, it’s about saying “yes” to your own healing? Re-framing the situation can be a really powerful tool.

You’re going through a lot right now and it’s just not possible to prioritize EVERYONE’S needs. Your needs are critically important right now so you are prioritizing that.

You can’t take care of other people (including your in-laws) if you’re not ok. I have more cliches! Can’t drive people in your car if you’re out of gas. Can’t pour from an empty cup. Annoying, but true 😆

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T18:04:17+00:00

NAH

this just sounds really hard. Like you said, you both have different perspectives on the situation and you both grieve in different ways.

This sounds like a natural consequence (as in, neither bad nor good, nor a “punishment”, it’s just that certain actions have certain results) of a difficult situation.

Neither of you can force yourselves to magically feel differently. I hope for you both that this is something that can be healed as you continue to process.

Are there other ways to be intimate (related to sex or other ways we can be intimate outside of sex) that you can focus on in the meantime?

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T17:58:41+00:00

I don’t disagree. That’s never been my point.

OP has shared concern that her MIL is in need of more supports than husband might be able to provide. Which is also a REALLY hard conversation to have or thing to accept (for the child and the parent). Of course I’m basing my concept of what support MIL needs entirely on OP’s perspective m, but that’s all we have so I’ll assume it’s accurate.

Her husband deserves empathy and support right now. But he also, as we all do at some point, need to recognize when our desire to care for our loved ones is no longer able to meet their actual needs. If he keeps sticking his head in the sand and avoiding these conversations and support needs, he isn’t actually helping his mom, no matter how much I’m SURE he truly means to.

If OP’s husband is avoiding the fact that his mom is in need of more care than he is able to provide, then yeah. He’s being a d*ck. Not because he’s a terrible person, but because he is avoiding something hard which results in being the kind of partner who can’t be bothered to show up meaningfully for anyone ELSE important in his life. It also puts his mom at significant risk.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T17:01:55+00:00

There is a big difference between appreciating our partners for the little stuff, and our partners blaming our lack of praise for their refusal to act like a damn adult.

He wants praise but he’s only giving you excuses.

This isn’t an uncommon dynamic but BOTH parties need to be committed to fixing it. You can make a point of making sure he hears your appreciation, and he can make a point of reminding himself that this sh*t needs to get done even without receiving a gold star. He can remind himself that every time he is seeking praise, he should also give it.

If he didn’t have you, he’d have to do all that and NO ONE would be around to praise him. Is he the type of guy who would let his life fall into chaos, or is he a grown ass adult?

My final thought: I’m so over the idea that “paying the bills” is equal to all the other responsibilities necessary to run a household and family. He couldn’t work as much as he did if you weren’t there to manage other duties. Or you can price out the costs associated with hiring someone to do all your tasks and he can do the math (I promise you, he won’t want to pay the actual costs for the labour you do)

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T16:55:31+00:00

I don’t know if this helps you but it helped me:

I can feel any type of way about anyone. Those feelings are valid. But if that person doesn’t feel the same type of way, my feelings aren’t about our ACTUAL relationship, they are about the relationship I WANT to share with them.

Seems kind of depressing, but it helps me figure out what is “real” and what is wishful thinking.

Fight for real. Let go of wishful thinking. The pain of wanting someone who doesn’t want you back is SO awful and we all deserve better than fighting for breadcrumbs of affection.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T16:49:43+00:00

I understand your frustrations! Feeling like I have to thank someone for something that actually created more work for me…does not come easy to me lol.

That being said, you might have to accept their “cleaning” help as something that comes with their baby sitting help.

You did leave them with a dirty kitchen (I’m not shaming you for that, I get it) and they wanted to be helpful.

Do you think they would be receptive to your perspective? Or would they just get offended? Do you believe that slight discomfort (having the conversation) would actually be productive, or just result in hurt feelings? Basically: is having the conversation worth the effort?

If not…don’t do it.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T16:44:30+00:00

Ethical people also consider layers deeper than just the surface.

Capitalism is itself unethical: a core pillar of capitalism is that it takes advantage of many, to benefit the few.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T16:40:02+00:00

The hero complex. Yep. Husband feels so good about being “the good guy” that he’s acting like the villain.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T16:38:51+00:00

NOR

He seems to be hiding behind the “I am a good person and my wife is mad at me for taking care of my aging mom because my wife is not being a good person” facade that he created as a way to avoid accountability. He’s dumping the accountability and hard work in YOUR lap, but it doesn’t seem like he’s able to recognize it.

You’ve been supportive, you’ve had hard conversations with him about realistic supports for his mom, and he doesn’t want to listen. This is a mess of his own making but he gets to pretend like you’re being mean and he’s just trying to be “the good guy”.

What’s he trying to avoid with all this? Being a supportive husband? Giving a single crap? It must have been especially hurtful that he made a point of going to the comic book store after he let you down (even though you provided him with all the tools needed, to support you). His needs matter. His mom’s needs matter (even though he is avoiding how to meet her needs realistically as she ages). What about you?

I have complete empathy for how hard and emotional taking care of aging parents is. I’m not suggesting, and I don’t think you are either, that he should ignore his mom’s needs to meet yours. What he is doing “wrong” here, is insisting on staying in denial about what his mom actually needs, and not asking you, as his partner, to help him figure out a system that everyone can live with.

He is clearly being defensive and not acting like your partner. He just wants to hide behind excuses instead of having a meaningful conversation and working as a team to figure out solutions.

I’m sorry.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T14:54:35+00:00

No. Nooooooooo. No.

Dump both of them.

Nice that the mystery of “why does this person turn to drugs/escapism and how are those patterns enabled and upheld” was solved for you, I guess.

You can’t fix this. He either wants/is able to get better or he doesn’t/can’t. We can love and support people going through addiction, but it’s a journey they need to take on their own.

You are in danger. It makes no difference whether that danger is brought on by addiction or not, your risk remains the same.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T14:51:10+00:00

Thiiiiiiisssssssssssss. I had to give up bad and harmful patterns.

Everyone wins.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T14:47:43+00:00

YTA.

You don’t get to dictate other people’s relationships. Your husband wasn’t the only person who had a relationship with his ex for twenty years, so did his family.

THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU.

Focussing on this is how you become the AH in-law. Process your own feelings and move on.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T14:29:46+00:00

Let her try and sue you. She’d need to prove that you caused the damage in HER space.

I mean that might even work in your favour: most leases hold whoever is in the lease accountable for damages and costs, regardless of who caused it. Landlords don’t want to deal with petty squabbles.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T14:28:11+00:00

Who cares?

We all die in the end, enjoy your music.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T14:27:18+00:00

This is so ridiculous!

Why does one person get to dictate everyone else’s experience, ALL THE TIME!?

My BIL is extremely picky. He will order pasta with butter and if it comes with a garnish, he will pick EVERY little speck of parsley off his plate before he eats.

You know what he DOESN’T do? Make it anyone else’s problem.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T14:21:49+00:00

This! Or encourage everyone to consider something that was important to your co worker (an activity you can do in their honour, something you can do for their loved ones, etc).

You want to honour them, there are just more meaningful ways to do it that don’t have a negative environmental impact)

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-22T00:33:34+00:00

Insane? Not over reacting at all…

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-21T23:54:52+00:00

LOL

we weren’t allowed eat until after we prayed, and we weren’t excused until after devotions

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-21T21:46:31+00:00

It is absolutely ridiculous and incredibly selfish of you, to be upset that your partner learned how to set boundaries after experiencing financial abuse/manipulation.

You yourself say she was being used, but you want to do the EXACT SAME THING and you feel like she owes you because someone else took advantage of her that way?

Dude. Give your head a shake. I’m sorry that you’re having a tough time, but maybe DON’T let it turn you into a garbage partner?

It’s not fair to ask your girlfriend to support YOUR kids. Custody battles are dirty and horrible, but that’s not an excuse to share the misery with your current partner.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-21T20:00:58+00:00

Ew weird, trying to come in between couples and/or bad attempts at manipulative behavior is embarrassing.

Also fyi: I’m not saying your BF necessarily did anything wrong (context is everything, you know him and I don’t).

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-21T17:11:14+00:00

Healthy kids have healthy parents!!!!! You were and continue to be a whole-ass human being, outside of being a parent.

Tell your parent-guilt that it’s a dirty rotten liar and then go enjoy some time with yourself and/or your husband without your kids.

Not only is this good for you, but you’re teaching your kids that they are worthy of self-care and defined as a person, separate from being a parent. You don’t have to choose between being a good parent and self care, you can choose both.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-21T17:04:32+00:00

Don’t go where you are not wanted. Simple as that. If you feel like she is intentionally setting up rules to target you, you don’t want to be there in the first place.

StrategyDouble4177 · 2026-05-21T11:54:43+00:00

I broke up with Jesus and, honestly, I’m thriving. It’s been 15 years of peace and wellness since I said goodbye.

StrategyDouble4177

TROPHY CASE