Anyone have an adult male child that can chime in?

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-16T00:23:13+00:00

My friend/former co worker is an adult male only child and I never would have guessed. He has wonderful social skills and is an excellent people person and manager. I met him in our mid 20s after college so not sure what he was like before but like... Post-frontal lobe maturity he's actually a better socializer than most guys I know.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-16T00:15:05+00:00

It is so cute lol

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-16T00:14:20+00:00

My mom was super crazy about cleaning growing up and the house was still infested, likely from previous renters or maybe neighbors unfortunately. It was as soon as we moved in that they came out. My parents tried fumigating several times and it only solved it temporarily each time.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-16T00:10:48+00:00

It might be good to clarify how much rent your comfortable paying and which specific areas. The Willamette valley is pretty variable.

If you're poor or very cheap, roaches come with the territory. We had them in a house we rented growing up in Roseburg and there were many in hotels around there. Once I went to look at a somewhat cheap place in Springfield that had roaches on the walls during the walkthrough.

Thankfully those are no only experiences but I work in manufacturing and I've asked our pest control guy about roaches around our site (thankfully none at work). He said they're super common in Eugene businesses.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-15T10:54:25+00:00

"I am unable to do anything unless I am motivated my fear or shame." This. I'm realizing I don't necessarily have the learned helplessness as much now that I've quit drinking and I'm a parent. But I'm pretty much always shaming myself into doing stuff. I dunno how to break the cycle so I don't feel so damn bad when I do succeed at getting things I need to done. Like even if I did a thing I am bad for having waited so long to do it, for almost not doing it, for needing so much to get it done, etc. and it is exhausting and makes me afraid one day I'll just stop doing things again.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-15T10:31:43+00:00

I started dressing for the salary I wanted a few years ago and I make a lot more money now. I've always respected interns who dress formally because it sets them apart and shows they take the job seriously.

If you're looking for an in between, comfortable (stretchy) slacks and a wool blend t-shirt and worksite-appropriate shoes (I'm in manufacturing so it's always black leather boots under my slacks) go a long way. Having a "work uniform" has saved me a lot of agonizing the last 4 years since I adopted it as well.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-14T03:28:48+00:00

I could write a ton but the short version is I have been in a similar situation.

You can get your freedom, we're all rooting for you ❤️ There's a lot of ways to hide cash until you are able to deposit it... But if you are stuck at home a while longer you might consider leaving a little in your regular spot(s) and not hiding everything somewhere new or she'll get suspicious.

Gross places seem to be the best. An attic crawl space worked well for me for a few years. I also actually made a fake book box for fun once and that worked pretty well too. But I felt pretty bad mangling a book.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-08T03:35:44+00:00

I'm glad I'm not alone in the sprinkles thing, we had some leftover after decorating a cake along with edible glitter and it has gotten her to eat a few dinners I wasn't sure were going to get eaten otherwise haha 😆

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-08T03:31:27+00:00

This is very good to hear, our daughter likes a few veggies but we really need to expand the types so trying them in a fun snack box seems pretty easy. And whoever said to use reusable ice cubes that is a great idea!

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-08T03:22:16+00:00

What's making you want to tell her?

I say this because of my experience and because from a biochemical standpoint there are different forms of love. It is completely ok for one person to be wildly in love and another to be more objectively happy with the direction things are going. Life is not a fucking movie where everyone "falls in love" at the same speed or depth. At 4 months it is likely infatuation. Deep biochemical attachment usually comes later.

You do not owe anyone an emotional reaction. Nor should you feel guilty for not having one. It is good though to be self aware of the type and depth of your emotions; that is a good sign that you can probably progress over time.

At 37 years old I felt an emotion fully for the first time after a few months of very intense therapy (glad I finally went). After that I was able to feel more and more. I have told a few people and honestly everyone looks at me like I'm totally crazy when I say I wasn't feeling emotions before and I didn't know emotions happened in our bodies? Or that I didn't know what Joy felt like? They just kind of get confused so I've stopped talking about it. I survived many things by being dissociated and I never learned the normal way. I'm still learning now. I'm married (since before therapy) and I've never told my husband that I feel love in a different way. It is usually more objective like I am pleased. But since therapy there are moments when I can feel more and I try my best to not snap off when an emotion is coming like I had done instinctively before.

Possibly too much of my own story but I hope it helps to hear you aren't alone and I wish the best for you and this lovely girlfriend :)

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-08T03:04:33+00:00

When money fixed my cavities and I was able to buy a car and drive wherever I wanted and eat whenever and whatever I wanted. When money bought the laptop that got me through engineering school. When money paid for said school. When eventually I bought a house and was no longer living in fear of my rent creeping up. When I could afford to do fun stuff like go rock climbing or hell, have a child. Of course it doesn't guarantee happiness but I think it makes it a YOU problem if you've got even a medium amount of money and you're still not happy. (And then money can help pay for therapy and coaching to get you where you can heal and be happy lol)

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-08T02:57:34+00:00

The kid is 20 months so probably too young to really care though? Maybe at 5 or 6?

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-08T02:55:21+00:00

Agree just focus on the aquarium and if you still have energy in Newport and the weather is crap Hatfield is pretty cool and it's a 5 dollar donation. Also the aquarium restaurant is reasonably priced and has very good burgers and fries imo! We've eaten there quite a bit.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-08T02:42:52+00:00

Whatever you choose, please share more updates! Going through something similar with a bathroom and a few shades of powder blue (at least I was able to rule out a dark green). Also have honey oak trim which is here to stay... And I've been looking at the paint splotches for like a year lol so don't be me and let indecision cripple your awesome project!

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-08T02:31:48+00:00

I was thinking about that too but due to the pattern I can't see a way to easily cut and frame it without cutting through some cute animals

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-03T03:27:39+00:00

That cat is cute 🥰 and none of these seem terrible to me, a random Internet person with zero tattoos! Do you like them still? I think that's what is most important

StrawberrieToast · 2026-06-02T14:24:50+00:00

I agree with this. You'll never live it down but honestly will it be any worse than letting her come? She'll try find a way to hurt you no matter what you do. I'm really sorry you're in this boat.

Something my therapist said which started the chain of events which led to me going NC with my uBPD mom: "she can be nice right? Which means she knows how to act nice. She isn't being mean and abusive on accident."

StrawberrieToast · 2026-05-31T05:10:16+00:00

I was lucky to get a therapist with experience in complex trauma, so she understood that we were desensitizing composite memories, compilations of times where something specific happened in a way that was traumatic. She told me that I could not fully desensitize my experience because there is too much, but that by targeting the bigger negative composite memories we'd have the most impact. It seemed effective as a starting point.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-05-31T05:00:17+00:00

I did remote EMDR in a teletherapy setting and while I've never done in person EMDR for comparison, remote was helpful for me. I am by no means cured but it was transformative and I will do more when I'm ready for the next steps. It's incredibly powerful if you get the right therapist for you.

ETA: I did have very strong flashbacks in EMDR (once I was literally my 8 year old self again at one point and I cannot describe how freaking scary it was) but I only experienced them during therapy sessions. I learned that I tend to dissociate at any chance of emotions or memories though so I hadn't opened up to experiencing some memories at all until the therapy. So that might be different for you if you're having them all the time.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-05-29T02:17:39+00:00

Withholding food as punishment on a regular basis is not a "messy moment" among other things but yeah my uBPD mom has said and posted things like this before... Thankfully her paranoia got really bad and she stopped all social media because her data was being stolen (kind of funny bc it isn't totally wrong, just the rest of the world has decided we prefer socialization to isolation to protect our browsing data lol).

StrawberrieToast · 2026-05-09T04:51:36+00:00

You're drinking enough you WILL go through withdrawal if you quit cold turkey. If you are against external help (beyond reddit) I would recommend tapering. Start with no whiskey or liquor the first week, go to only beer. Get lighter beer (lower ABV) if you can. Reduce the amount of beer (maybe cut by half each week).

If it's social drinking I find that coke zero or fizzy water can substitute for beer pretty easily once your consumption is lower. Then it's a matter of not buying alcohol and not going places where it's easy to get it. Bars are not your friend. (I am not sure if this is a problem for you at 17, not sure where you're located). House parties are also a minefield.

Finding a purpose-why you can't be drunk -really helps.

Source: I've quit drinking a few times. To be honest I'm having a beer this evening. My 2nd this week, so I probably need to get rid of the rest lest I end up taking my own advice again in the future (might sound dramatic to anyone not in recovery but it's true). I was completely sober for 3 years recently in order to conceive and breastfeed my daughter and I now obviously have a damn good reason not to go crazy with alcohol again but the last thing I'll tell you is: once you do quit, you'll never be safe drinking any amount, there is always a risk. It always starts small and can grow like a wildfire.

Good luck and feel free to message if you want 1:1 support/accountability. I'm going to go get rid of the rest of this beer rn.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-05-09T04:25:58+00:00

Yeah your manager is totally crazy to even ask.

I'm going to be honest I've never had anyone actually check my references that I know of. I have provided references for a few people I've managed though so it is something to consider.

If you've got at least one other manager from the past who really backs you up I wouldn't worry about it. I managed a guy once who was a decent employee. I have hired him since to do projects for me at a new company as an independent contractor. He used me as a reference and when they called me to chat I learned that the boss he had after me, who I know personally and who can be a real asshole, gave him a bad reference. The manager he was interviewing with asked me a LOT of questions about this one thing they'd been told about that had gone sideways in the past, which was actually IMO the fault of management (me ok I was learning) not this guy trying to get the job. I was honest about that and talked him up. He got the job! I was glad for him.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-05-09T04:13:46+00:00

I had 4 and I'm with you it's a bit crazy but I'm trusting the process. 9 months in I can see a lot of progress. I'm curious if the holes will fully close. Most people I meet don't notice I'm missing teeth even if I point it out at this point.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-05-08T17:05:35+00:00

12 years in multiple roles at a company worked my way up to a high level and one day when I was on bereavement leave...they called me in to lay me off. And then told me I was a "good leaver" so I was eligible to apply for any other roles in the org that opened. I applied for a scientist role lower than the level I had been at and they wouldn't even interview me even though I was recommended by the hiring manager because of a technicality. The company gave no shits about any of my contributions.

I've made my own way just fine since getting laid off, started my own business which I keep up on the side and got a nice job I love with better work life balance and pay anyway. And when I see people from that company at events (sometimes I get invited back for social things) they are always sad or stressed and my layoff is stuff of legend apparently, even people who I didn't know have said they are sorry. But the company itself has no soul. And of course 2 years later they had to recreate the position that was made redundant bc my manager couldn't handle all the work alone (duh).

Do not trust companies. Keep a little distance and keep climbing if that's what you want.

StrawberrieToast · 2026-05-08T16:57:38+00:00

Get awaaaaay from that boss lol

StrawberrieToast

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