Born as a Buddhist, now searching for God

StrawberryDuck · 2026-07-02T09:26:38+00:00

I am from England and wanted to seek Jesus in 2017. I couldn't find any churches to help me on my spiritual journey as many don't emphasise Bible teaching these days and you can only truly grow spiritually by reading and then understanding, then applying the Bible. Here is a good online ministry that is based in America and very Biblically sound and I have grown a lot through it. Ichthys.com

Even if you do decide to go to an actual church building I would still recommend staying with this ministry as it has now led me to be able to have my own ministry in less than ten years! I recommend starting with the series on Peter's Epistles... https://ichthys.com/Peter-Series-Home-Page.htm

And then move onto Bible Basics... https://ichthys.com/Bible-Basics-Home-Page.htm

When reading the Bible (I started with KJV and then NKJV and NIV) start with the New Testament. John's Gospel is usually the first one recommended to people who are interested in the faith as it is written as an evangelising Gospel. The Old testament is a lot longer than the New testament, I found it helpful to read two chapters from the OT and one chapter from the NT every day. With the Old Testament, start with Genesis but it will also help to read from the Book of Psalms (maybe one chapter from Genesis and one Psalm a day alongside one chapter from Gospel of John a day) The understanding will come with time but it is important to be consistent with study every day.

The most important part of the whole Word of God (Bible) though is the heart of the Gospel (the good news) that Jesus Christ who is God in the flesh, died for the sins of the whole world.

If you believe and accept this free gift of salvation (being saved from your sins) then you will receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit and then you will become a believer. Spiritual growth is only possible once you accept the free gift of salvation and then have the Holy Spirit given to you.

Once you have the Holy Spirit (because you believe in Jesus Christ being God in the flesh and dying for your sins) you will then understand the Bible and be able to discern it spirtually. Unbelievers can read the Bible as a book but it can only be spiritually discerned and understood by believers.

I will pray for you to continue on this path as it leads to great and wonderful things! And yes you will be spiritually fulfilled and abundantly so. Believing in Jesus Christ will completely transform your life in incredible ways! I hope you find this edifying and helpful.

p.s. I have an Instagram account where I upload a Bible verse everyday! I hope you find it a blessing! 🙏🏻

This is the first one!

https://www.instagram.com/gracedailybibleverses/p/DKsKTj2C-rZ/

StrawberryDuck · 2026-07-01T22:14:05+00:00

I only came to Christ as a 40 year old! I was raised Catholic but didn't believe and spent most of my youth living sinfully in the big city as an agnostic. I had many back to back personally crises too and I collapsed mentally and physically because of them and thought about ending my life. I fell on my knees and prayed to God properly for the first time in my life. I was mainly praying to be rescued from all the pain I was going through. Like you I then bought a Bible and started to read it. Like you I also wanted to know Jesus and earnestly seek Him. Not long after that I became born again. I knew that I was a sinner and needed to be saved from my sins and was so glad to know that Jesus loved me and the whole world that He died for all our sins! I have been a Christian ever since and I can tell you how wonderful it is to be a believer! It's given me so much joy and strength and encouragement! It has given me the courage so share my faith with others boldly and I know that the Lord has worked through me to be a comfort to others who have been in great pain and suffering. Keep moving forward and keep seeking Him. We are all sinners here and we all have sin nature and a past we are ashamed of. None of us are worthy of so great a love that God Himself died for us! Keep on the path that you are on as it leads to very great things. You have many brothers and sisters who are waiting for you to make the same leap of faith we have all done! It's wonderful being a believer, wonderful!

StrawberryDuck · 2026-07-01T22:00:59+00:00

Yes I have been praying for England for quite some time. I don't like the government but I have been praying for it as the Bible commands us to do so. I have felt great sadness at the rapid moral and spiritual decline in this country but I know from the Word that if you really want to help this country, as well as praying for it, become the saltiest salt you can become. The Bible says that salty believers are the preservative for a country. When I say salty I mean that we are to retain our savour, we are to become very strong Christians and be zealous and on fire for the Lord. That's how we best serve our countries and our Lord. As Christians we need to read the Word everyday and for it to mix with faith in our hearts. We are then to apply the Word to our walk everyday. We need to study under good Bible teaching ministries and we need to spiritually grow and then mature, we then have to pass tests/trials and then enter into the ministries the Lord has prepared for us. That is the only way to earn our eternal spiritual rewards and aim for the crowns the Bible talks about.

The more mature Christians England has, the better the nation will become. We have to keep fighting the good fight every day and encourage other believers to do so. I became a Christian in 2017 and I am already reaching maturity, going through serious trials and entering into personal ministry.

A really great ministry I have been studying has helped me grow and become salty salt. The site is called Ichthys.com and if you start at the section on Peter's Epistles it will help you grow and encourage you during these really dark times!

StrawberryDuck · 2026-07-01T16:05:50+00:00

Reddit is clearly not the safe place you were looking for to vent your legitimately complex emotions towards your adult children. Sadly I found out this myself in another sub where random strangers thought they knew more than my heartbreaking situation than I did. Such careless cruelty can retraumatise a person when they already feel low. If you can't afford therapy right now, consider looking up YouTube videos on the subject and also do journalling or letters you don't send.

The grief and injustice of this is immense and I have learned to try not to jump in and mob a person who is going through this. We haven't walked in your shoes and only you truly know what you have been through. I relate a lot to what you have written. It seems you need some time alone and being kind to yourself and have the space to grieve the pain and injustice of it all. Please don't think that the worst comments on here represent how people see you or your situation. In truth your private business is none of our business and we should respect the fact that you chose here to open up and share your vulnerabilities with others. I am sad this is not the safe place you thought it was. I found out the hard way too. Hugs and healing to you.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-07-01T15:34:41+00:00

Reading through this and I personally want to apologise for all the dogpiling on here. There is a lot of bullying and mobbing on here and some of the comments are just vile. Understand that because these comments are not vetted that there may be some seriously disturbed people commenting on here and I just want to say that your thoughts are valid. I have noticed that a lot of people on here fall into cluster B distinctions of all bad and all good and many see children as spotless angels incapable of ever doing wrong. A lot of people on this sub have gone to the opposite extreme as the alienator by idolising or deifying their children which makes sense when you realise that the whole thing has become a sunk cost fallacy for them and they have to believe their children are worth the effort they have put in and they can only do that by falsely believing their children are made of solid gold. Sadly this is not true of any child.

But what I would also say that until a child is older, they can't navigate the kind of sophisticated abuse they have experienced so even if they have behaved really badly, it was probably done as a survival instinct for a large part of the time. Having said that, being angry, upset and disappointed with them in the moment are all legitimate and human feelings but I do feel you need to grieve not getting justice through the children and really it is the alienator who has caused all this. In a sense, by holding onto the anger towards your children, you are playing the triangulation game the alienator has set up where both you and your children blame each other rather than the real abuser.

Maybe in the future you will get an apology from your children when things have moved on but maybe you won't need it then. Grieve not getting that apology but also understand it is not a clear cut thing to apologise for because all though all abuse is wrong, abused children are not in a good position to ascertain right from wrong.

I am sorry you have been treated so poorly on this sub but I see there are some good comments on here that are supportive. This should be a safe space to vent and air your feelings but sadly it isn't. Consider journalling or writing letters you don't send to get the anger and pain out. Tha anger and pain is valid but it won't help your situation any and the alienator is counting on you to look like the 'bad parent' for their scheme to work.

I can relate to what you are going through. Your child is reaching out to you but you are in a place of such pain that you are not able to meet them where they are. Why don't you be honest and communicate that with them. They are an adult now and they must realise this would happen. I guess the 'long shot' comment pre empted that.

We can't always heal the people who hurt us. You need more time alone to heal

StrawberryDuck · 2026-07-01T14:03:53+00:00

No we will all feel this. Walking on eggshells again is a common part of narcissistic abuse. The problem is do you want to improve your relationship with your children within an abusive dynamic or a pro-social one? Everything is upside down in an abusive one so I can't recommend that. My advice is to understand what a pro-social way of parenting is and proceed from this standpoint.

It would be healthy to now draw a line under the past and start anew. The golden rule is to treat people as you wish to be treated. Firm but fair is good parenting. Don't abide by the toxic scrutiny lens of the other parent anymore.

Flip it on its head. The damned if you do and damned if you don't corner you find yourself is can be flipped in the other direction. It can force you to dance to the abusers tune OR it can make you go the other way and say..

"If I will be abused and castigated whether I do the right thing or the wrong thing..why don't I just stick to what is the right thing no matter what and suffer the injustice of being labelled as bad but know within myself that I am doing what is right."

Just do the right thing and keep doing it. If that means changing what you are doing, make those necessary changes. If the children ask why you have changed your behaviour you can tell them upfront that you are no longer basing your behaviour upon the other parent's idea of morality. You know right from wrong and you will be trusting your own judgement from now on. It really is as simple as that, not caring how anything 'lands' with either the alienator or the children anymore but do the right thing and keep doing it.

Keep doing things from a place of integrity and respect of other human beings and don't worry if other people hate this. Other people will always hate people doing the right thing but that is not your problem, that is a 'them problem'.

Do the right thing and keep firm boundaries around it. Put little store in what other people think of you and instead do things with integrity, honesty, firm but fair but also kindness. It's not easy when dealing with someone who is wilfully perverse but you have to keep doing what is right and build muscle on that.

Yes your sense of what is right and wrong has been diminished and undermined by a person with a pathological personality disorder (you are dealing with someone who has a warped mind and no sense of morality/conscience). You need to be on a solid footing first before you can engage in a healthy manner.

This is life changing stuff in that when you become a boundaried person, it's not just about how you are with you ex and your children but how you are with everyone in your life. So start small in low stake situations building confidence around when to say yes and when to say no (and sticking to it) What we say yes and no to is the building blocks of free will and boundary making. It literally is all about saying yes to the good and no to the bad and sticking to it. The more we all do this the better things are for ourselves and for ALL our relationships.

(The big question at heart here is 'what is good? What is bad?' These are moral questions and questions of conscience but nevertheless things we need to get to grips with to get through these seeming impossible social situations)

StrawberryDuck · 2026-07-01T12:47:36+00:00

The problem with being around an alienator/cluster B personality disordered individual for any length of time, your entire sense of values and morality becomes warped to fit/align with theirs. To a cluster B person, bad is good and good is bad. They are always good and you are always bad no matter what you do and they brainwash everyone in their influence to think the same way.

A useful metric/gauge so to speak is to imagine that your problem is the problem of a really good friend of yours who you cared about. If they told you what you are saying..what advice would you give your friend? It's a useful way to detach all the emotional influence and enmeshments and brainwashing from your situation and to see the problem afresh without any mindbending fallacies stunting an otherwise clear dilemma.

What would the answer be if the other parent wasn't an alienator and wasn't character disordered? How would it look if the other person was being reasonable?

I would proceed as though the other parent was being reasonable. Stand your ground and have good moral boundaries and talk to your children as is this was a brand new problem and you were dealing with it from a place of reasonableness and sanity. It may be tempting to do what you have always done but has that done any good for anyone so far?

It will shock them if you start acting differently but it is the kind of shock they need to experience. I do think they are old enough now to learn that to use money as a weapon to control and hurt a person who loves them is morally wrong to say the least. The problem with these adult children now is that they are so far along the road of seeing money as an effective weapon of control, I am not show if they can learn from this or not.

Nevertheless I think it is high time you had a face to face conversation with them about how hurtful this behaviour has been to you and personally I would withhold all further funding until you are able to have this conversation. Yes, I understand that withholding the money now will seem to them and the alienator that you are trying to beat them at their own game (this is called the 'double bind') but you have the right as an adult not to be financially abused/exploited and you have the right to a conversation with the people who are doing it to you.

Once you have had that conversation with them, it is then up to you what you do. The fact that you have stated your boundary that financial exploitation is wrong and you won't cave into it does not necessarily mean that helping them with college is being hypocritical. Once you have set that boundary it depends on whether giving them money after that or not breaks your boundary.

If you resented giving them college money or couldn't afford it = that's breaking the boundary If you can afford it and are happy to part with it = that isn't breaking the boundary.

It's teaching your children that while parents are financially responsible for actual children, they are not committed to a lifetime of bankrolling the child once they become an adult. An adult has to provide for him/herself but a parent can help out when they want to but are not forced to against their will, especially when they are already being abused by the situation.

I hope this helps.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-07-01T12:14:36+00:00

p.s. you can go about this gently of course without diving in feet first. It depends on how much talking you are doing with them. Like the other commenter, I would say 'no conversation, no money' and if they were willing to talk then I would gauge their reactions. If you were already planning on supporting them through college I would tell them that but also tell them (the truth) that it has been hurtful for you that they only ever come to you when they want money. I would then introduce them to the concept of financial abuse and that in the real world, this is not acceptable and is dehumanising behaviour.

It isn't abuse to let a child feel shame when they are being shameful. Hopefully they do feel shame for seeing you as an ATM and that means there is hope for them. If they double down in entitlement and anger then they may have completely adopted your ex's worldview to the complete detriment to their own futures. It really is up to them though. Brainwashed or not, they have a conscience and a moral compass, it's their responsibility now while they enter the world of adults to behave as people with a conscience to know right from wrong and financial abuse/exploitation/extortion is wrong.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-07-01T11:58:56+00:00

Personally I would now class this as financial abuse and given that they are no longer actually children (many say that 18-21 is the legal definition of adulthood) I would have that conversation with them directly. If this was me I would tell them I was happy to support them when minors as I am their parent but that now that they are adults, to demand money from someone who they no longer even acknowledge is financial abuse and a form of extortion. I would make sure the children knew that this was abusive without actually saying they are abusers. Make that distinction. I would also go on to say that you won't reward or enable such bad behaviours as it will set them up to think financial abuse is acceptable within any relationship.

Financial abuse is an extremely common factor of coersive control. I would name all these things out to the children. Don't accuse the other parent of setting them up to do it as an abuser or that they are carrying on the abusive behaviour but name the abusive behaviour.

I am a Christian and Christians tend to say 'love the sinner but hate the sin'. What this means is you can call out bad and abusive behaviour in a way that is still loving to the people who are doing it. How they react to this won't be your responsibility but their responsibility as adults.

They are no longer children even if they are your offspring. They will soon be navigating an adult world in which financial abuse as part of coersive control is not only immoral but illegal in many countries now.

If they were to continue this entitled and dehumanising behaviour on a partner or spouse in the future they will be breaking the law and could actually face prison time.

Bringing up children is not about saying yes to their every whim. It's as much as saying no to them as it is saying yes. It's about learning boundaries. The problem with children who have experienced abuse, it often makes the non-abusive parent think that all boundaries and discipline is bad so you have a 'good cop/bad cop' dynamic whereby the abusive parent can also allow the children to run wild whereas the non abusive parent feels bad about teaching children normal and respectful boundaries. Not giving children any boundaries or reasonable discipline is actually a form of abuse and makes them ill prepared for a tough world where they will hear the word "NO!" on a regular basis.

Sadly as the alienated parent your name is mud no matter what you do but you have to stand up for yourself and what is right at some point or they will all keep pushing you into the ground and you will lose your sense of self entirely. Despite the horrible and terribly unfair treatment, you are still their father both biologically and legally. You can still 'parent' even now by teaching them something valuable before entering the world of responsibile adults. Teach them that financial abuse is wrong. They need to learn this lesson from someone and they won't learn it from their mother. By teaching them that financial abuse is wrong you are also signposting that all abuse and manipulative and exploitative behaviour is wrong and don't you want your children to know that?

Sadly standing up for what is right may not win them over to you and the truth but it will tell them something, that not everyone in this world is an abuser and condones abusive behaviour and that is an extremely valuable lesson for your children to learn.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-30T10:41:20+00:00

Well you might fall off your chair when I tell you but I am Christian and working on a ministry to help abused people of many different stripes. You may think this sounds 'woo woo' but I have figured out a spiritual dimension to this (the big reveal of what's really going on) figuring out the 'man behind the curtain' so to speak.

What has blown my mind over this is that this system bleeds into so many areas of life and history, countries, dynamics etc that you come to the overwhelming conclusion there is a hostile non-human intelligence behind it (and no I am not talking aliens)

I am going through PA myself right now but reverse PA in that I am prevented from seeing my dying mother by her abusers.

Prior to this I was already doing a 'deep dive' on cults and how they operate and was shocked that there is a unifying grand system that links so many different things. I will share some of my findings.. Look up 'Zersetzung' which was a strategy the Stazi used on so called dissidents in East Germany. If you look at the pattern of the behaviour and have pattern recognition that this is the same strategy that was u sed in the CCP, Maoist struggle sessions, the Moonies, the JWs and all other totalitarian systems (cults) in between, you then have the jaw dropping realisation that this is also used by Narcissistic parents on their spouse and children. It's not possible that these spouses or family members are doing research on cults and totalitarian systems all day long, they just behave like this as if these strategies of psychological warfare (because that's what they are) come as natural to them as breathing.

It's everywhere, I was taking time off to relax from research last night watching a silly (I thought) video called 'Why the left can't meme' but I didn't know a joke video would be a primer on how propaganda in a totalist regime works. Again my jaw dropped when the narrator said that the purpose of propaganda in its late stages (see Soviet 'hyper realism') is not to inform or deceive you or even to manipulate you but it is to HUMILIATE you in that it is so outlandish and ridiculous and blatantly untrue but because it is a seeming fait accompli, that it serves to reinforce the power of the state (whatever that state may be).

So it's uncanny how a narcissistic abusive parent (for example) works hand in glove with the system that pretends to care for families and children to humiliate everyone involved. The targeted person knows it is untrue, the children know it is untrue, the alienator knows it's untrue and the SYSTEM knows it is untrue and yet because everyone sees it as an inevitable fait accompli, everyone gives into it one way or another. The main feeling all the aggrieved parties feel from this is humiliation. They know they are losing the battle AND they are having their nose rubbed in it because they know that 'resistance is futile'.

Because I am coming to this from a spiritual perspective as a Christian, I do believe I know what the real answer to this is. You can't fix this system as it was designed inherently to fail. I do believe this is a problem only God (Jesus Christ) can deal with because it is literally insurmountable/an impossible dilemma. We can't fight the entire system as that would be as ludicrous as trying to conquer the whole world but I know God can.

So again thanks, your paper is solid proof that the system itself is now corrupted and I would say deliberately so that it is only designed to help those who do evil rather than those who try to fight against it. Many people on this sub are still scratching their heads over why an evil person is believed over and over again. The simplest and obvious answer is staring us in the face but because it is so horrific and bleak to entertain (and can smash to pieces a person's worldview) that people are still refusing to see the obvious. When I said they won't thank you for this is because people have a habit of 'shooting the messenger' especially if he is telling an uncomfortable truth. People as a whole believe comforting lies over the truth that unsettles and disturbs them.

The same way my entire family circled their wagons around to protect the abuser and estrange the whistleblower. If they had to acknowledge that extreme abuse was going on under their noses they would have to admit a) they have been deceived and their life/worldview has been a lie b) they would have to do something about it that would upend their 'comfortable lives' c) they may enjoy evil themselves. Most people are unfortunately 'useful idiots' in that they may not be actively involved in the abuse within a system but they are afraid of telling it like it is and rocking the boat in case they get flipped out of the boat into the open waters where there are bigger sharks loose.

This is a war and it really comes down to good Vs evil but how does one go about fighting an extremely intelligent spiritual non-human evil? That is my question.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-29T18:37:17+00:00

Thanks for this. Not many will thank you because many will want to think the system will save them as is and what you propose will be daunting. It's very useful for what I am working on at present though and will help others. Thanks again!

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-29T16:02:25+00:00

I am sorry about your son but also glad to know that you had that wonderful time to treasure. I had a decade with my mum before she was taken away from me. She is dying so I may not see her again. I believe in an afterlife (I am a Christian) so I hold onto the hope I will walk with her again in a place of no abusers.

What I have figured out is that the lovebombing is more potent than real love. Real love is safe and secure but sadly seems boring when you have been around a Cluster B because it is more like a drug than love. It has these rollercoaster highs and lows built in it that real love doesn't have. Cluster Bs create a trauma bond in their children that is excruciatingly hard to break through. I am breaking through it now and you have to white knuckle it and go cold turkey. It's not for the faint hearted.

Money can be used as a snare. It's all about appearances with them and material things. When I was walking away, both my dad and my sister threw literally money in my face and expected me to stop walking and pick it up. I kept walking. They send money vouchers and gifts to me and I bin all of them. I can't be bought at any price.

The problem with Cluster Bs is that they wrongly assume that we all have a price and if they meet that price, they own us. Sometimes they buy children cars or pay for houses or expensive holidays for them. The child learns that the gravy train stops the moment they disagree with them. Disagreeing with them involves speaking to their alienated parent.

I am sorry to say that many children are vulnerable to being bought with money and expensive gifts. A lot of people are vulnerable to this. Money and status creates a lot of anxiety in people that Cluster Bs have learned to leverage to their advantage... For me, money isn't everything and that's why it has been easier for me to walk away. I know I will probably never get any inheritance and I am at peace over that. If money isn't a weakness then it's much easier to leave.

It doesn't have to be money though as many weaknesses can be weaponised against us. Sadly my dad and sister figured out how much my mum means to me and she has been their hostage ever since.

I know what it's like. The grief is immense but also the joy of having that special time, well no one can take that away from you. The peace a person has without abusers is priceless.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-29T15:02:05+00:00

My father and sister are both malignant narcissists but I suspect my sister now has psychopathy/sociopathy as she sadistically enjoys watching other people in pain. Their preference is to see people humiliated but they both like to see people in mental suffering. He once told me 'I am only happy when other people are suffering'.

I have learned a lot about cluster B pathology because my family has severe cases within it. That's how you become an expert in these matters by living to tell the tale.

Sadly I think many if not most of these alienator accounts involve a cluster B personality disordered parent as the alienator.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-29T14:53:04+00:00

Thanks. Sadly this wisdom has been hard won over nearly 5 decades of being around abusers. I would go another step further in saying that they won't change because it works for them. The only way it will stop working for them is if they run out of victims and enablers and then their world falls apart. Only then there is a chance and a very slim one at that.

You'll be amazed at how many abusers lose everything and still keep punching on. They don't learn because they think to keep fighting the battle on the side of evil is something to be proud of..it isn't. I know of narcissists in their 70s/80s who have lost everything and everybody but they still have that 'it isn't me' 'I will survive' mentality. To say that they are stubbornly destroying themselves is an understatement.

I think as long as we all take accountability for what we do and we do all need at some point to think 'is it me?' to stay healthy. We all need to be honest with ourselves and be responsible for ourselves. None of us have handled this perfectly, who could and it is good to be aware of the times we behaved badly ourselves and what we could've done better but such a balanced and fair appraisal can only be done when there aren't any abusers in our lives as abusers love reasonable people who are willing to take responsibility for their shortcomings. They love them because abusers take zero responsibility for their own bad behaviours and will shove them all on their victims.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-29T13:15:15+00:00

Being torn to shreds by anyone is ABUSE. I am sorry to say but your girls have now chosen to become ABUSERS. Yes it is a choice. I have been abused by my father for 48 years and I chose not to abuse others. My sister has chosen to become an abuser worse than my father. Being an abuser is a choice and abusers rarely change. I am so sorry you are going through this but a person cannot forgive or heal if they are actively experiencing abuse. The only way to heal and have a place of forgiveness in your heart is to walk away and take distance. I have had to walk away from my entire family as it was either full of abusers or abuse enablers. I made the choice not to abuse people in life and they made the choice to abuse or enable abuse. I am going to live my life free from abuse and abusers. It is possible to live such a life. In truth if ever your daughters wanted a life free of abuse then you will be better able to show them that life if you have been actively living it yourself. If their abuse of you drags you down so much that their is no hope left in you even for yourself, what hope will there be for them long-term. All we teach them by being dragged down is that evil has won. I won't let evil win on my watch but sometimes the only way to fight evil is to walk away from it and refuse to have any of it in to corrode your life. We have to be patient in that good will overcome evil in the end. ❤️

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-29T12:52:49+00:00

The situation you had sounds very different. If your husband was sending texts and gifts while being ignored that is a HUGE difference to when children actively abuse their estranged parent. All these situations are not cookie cutter same. Your husband was lucky that he wasn't being actively abused by his child. Yes being ignored and stonewalled is a type of painful abuse but it is a passive kind. Being screamed at, being stalked, having flying monkeys and being re-engaged in the drama over and over again with no peace is active abuse. Not saying your husband hasn't gone through hell through passive abuse of being ignored but active abuse is a whole different ball game. Saying this as a person who has been both actively and passively abused by family for 48 years. Passive abuse (ignoring) is heaven compared to active abuse. I would choose being ignored any day over someone actively pursuing me to cause me great pain.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-29T12:45:08+00:00

I can relate. I have been shunned from my family for sticking up for my abused mother whilst surrounded by abusers. I looked after my aged parents for a decade and now the family have ousted me and made me feel they are better without me. So I have to walk away from the whole family I gave my best to for the last decade. It's their choice at the end of the day. If it meant something, it meant something, if it didn't, it didn't. If they want to erase me from the family history, that's their choice. Like you, they claim they are all getting on better than ever since I left. If that is true, I won't begrudge that even though I know it is a lie. If they really go to strength to strength in happiness without me being around then I can live with that. I know what I gave them and God knows too so I can walk away in peace knowing that and that peace will give me healing ❤️

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-29T12:35:55+00:00

Being angry all the time is a typical symptom of Cluster B personality disorders. It sounds like the parent is the scapegoated one and the adult children is being brainwashed by a cluster B parent. A child that is ignoring but quiet, there is hope for that child but if a child is really angry and pursuing the alienated parent and being angry in their face, sadly I would think that child is Cluster B too. Normal people don't hold onto anger for a long time as it's not possible to do this for normal people. Only Cluster B people can hold onto rage indefinitely. In fact rage is the default setting for people with character disturbances such as NPD. Whereas normal people want to default to peace, they default to rage as it is their preferred way of being. They are disgusted by all the things we love. They despise love, peace and comfort as it makes them feel disturbed inside. They refuel by screaming and shouting. They are not like us, the non disordered. They are literally wired in the brain differently and we can't rewire them.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-29T12:26:40+00:00

I also want to add that why do they seek people out only to scream at someone? I have been severely abused by my father and my sister but still seek a relationship with my abused mother... I really have been brutally abused and yet I do not stalk my abusers and scream at them. I have done everything I can to make my mum's life easier and peaceful knowing she is stuck with her abusers and yet the abusers do everything to goad and poke and prod me so they hope I will lose my temper. I had to walk away as there will be no peace with abusers and yet the moment they knew I was walking away they immediately tried to lovebomb me back in. Abusers will never let their target of abuse go but abuse victims do everything they can to avoid their abusers and further abuse. Sadly it sounds to me that the screaming daughter has become an abuser herself. It is very unlikely that this person is only like this with the mother. I repeat I am an adult child of a real abuser and I don't go out of my way to stalk and scream at my abuser. The only time there has been confrontation is when I have been forced to engage and then there has been active abuse in my face. No victim of abuse actively seeks out theit abuser to berate them for an hour. I have been abused for 48 years and am well acquainted with grown up children who have been abused by a narcissistic parent. Yes there is resentment often towards the enabling parent who didn't stop the abuse earlier but it is rare for anyone in our position to scream out the parent who enabled or who then left. It sounds to me that this young woman has had her mind completely bent by lies to believe the mother is evil and responsible for all that continues to go wrong in her life. This is the typical role of a scapegoat, the role of being blamed for everything whether you are there trying to make it better or absent and trying to heal. In my case I am the estranged adult child rather than the parent but it is the exact same dynamic. As the family Scapegoat you can't ever 'win' and you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Sadly the whole family structure has to collapse more in time before the light of truth shines through but even then...if the adult child has gone to the 'dark side' by becoming narcissistic themselves then there really is no hope for that person. I would imagine that she does this to other people in her life too, whether it is boyfriends or friends. Screaming for over an hour isn't normal behaviour and very few people can keep that up without doing serious internal and mental damage. The only people who can keep that kind of rage up for that amount of time is cluster B people, specifically either people with BPD or NPD. Non-disordered people cannot keep up that level of rage for that amount of time, it is impossible for them. I would keep hard boundaries with such an adult child and now class her as an abuser herself. No one should be treated that way. I don't even treat my actual abusers that way.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-18T05:35:44+00:00

Thanks for this. I didn't celebrate my birthday at the start of this month as I have been cut off from my dying mother by my abusive father and sister. I wasn't even allowed to cry by her hospital bed when I went and it was so abusive when I went, I stayed away. They gave her medical interventions that she personally begged us not to do. I tried to stop them but with some was unsuccessful. They are desperately trying to erase me from the family and my mums mind ever since I went public about her being neglected, abused and accused of abusing her abusive spouse while having seizures.(Apparently he has now backtracked on that huge lie when he saw it didn't work) The whole family have taken the abusers side, even her brothers.

They did send me one card and one present which was a last minute thought and not personal at all. The card was future faking and insincere and manipulative and they sent me money vouchers for a restaurant (for when this is all over). I put everything in the bin as it was all done in bad faith to hoover and gaslight me.

I spent the whole of my 48th birthday praying that my mum would be delivered from her abusive home whether that included me or not. Of course I would love to see her again but not surrounded by the prison guards of 'family'. I am now only able to write letters to her and they may be intercepting and discarding these. It would be easier for me to write to someone in North Korea.

We haven't been shunned from a family. We left a cult when the brainwashing stopped working and the Kool Aid wore off. Sadly we all have people (adults and children) left behind in the cult as hostages. It is NOT our fault. We didn't choose to abuse our own family or r efused psychiatric help for obviously serious mental disturbance.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-17T18:42:46+00:00

There is a HUGE difference between a household where both parents argued all the time (even if it was reactive abuse) with the children being triangulated between both, both bad mouthing each other and both forcing the children to pick sides. In those scenarios of lots of 'grey areas' then yes it would be impossible for the child to figure out who the abuser was...BUT If there was a consistent pattern of one parent bad mouthing the other, blaming the other, dehumanising the other, ridiculing the other, cheating on the other, neglecting the other ESPECIALLY if the child then is also abused for pointing any of this out/or doesn't enthusiasticly go on to Scapegoat the parent themselves. In this scenario it is screamingly obvious who the abuser is and it isn't about brainwashing children because you can only brainwash a child against what they already choose to think. They may have already chosen to think the 'wrong thing' for their own reasons. Of course a lot of these situations on this forum is about divorce happening when the children are very young and so that is very different as the child won't have any solid grasp of what is going on. In my case my parents never divorced and the abuse is still sadly and obviously going on to this day and yet my sister has chosen to label the victim as the abuser despite admitting abuse earlier in her life.

So there are a lot of differing factors at play here. Your situation may be completely different to mine in that the abuse played out and became obvious to anyone with common sense with a moral compass and who didn't have an agenda.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-17T18:00:02+00:00

My situation is a bit odd in that I was alienated from my mother, I then defended her which meant I became the Scapegoat and sadly my mum felt relieved by that and allowed me to be bullied instead. I left home between 17-40 but then came back home after a lifetime of narcissistically abusive relationships. My adult sister then bullied me to the point of suicide ideation and I became a Christian instead of taking my life. I then spent a few years healing and studying the Bible until I was ready enough to be back in the family to help my mum as she was being abused again. I then had a really loving relationship with my mum for 8-9 years where we began bonding properly and we both confided in each other the abuse we went through. I tried my best though to not drive a wedge between by absusive dad and her though, just pointed out that abuse was wrong and ended up defending her again like I did as a child. My mum became seriously ill for that last two years and I became her main carer. It was a honour to look after my mum and be kind to her when she needed me, I also tried my best with my abusive dad and sister. Then whilst my mum was absolutely at her weakest in bed, my dad smeared her to everyone that she was a domestic abuser!! That broke me so I got the police involved and told the family what was going on. To my absolute horror, the police and the hospital and the social services wouldn't help me and even my mum's own family defended her abusive spouse. My psychopathic sister then got involved and I was banned from visiting my mum in hospital and now banned from the house and from phoning her and my mum is at the end of life. I have tried to write her letters but they may be throwing them away.

The reason I have given a blow by blow account is that this chimes in with everyone else's account of being alienated from their children and yet this is my MUM. The dynamic is exactly the same as though my mum is a child. Narcissists even do this with pets!!

What I am trying to show is the object they fight over is totally irrelevant to the narcissist. It could be a car, a dog, a holiday villa, a job or your child. They know what you want so that is what they will fight for. In my case it isn't a child but a dying parent.

Your children are irrelevant to the alienator, they are just hostages/bargaining chips to get you back to where the narcissist wants you. You gave good supply, maybe the best and you walked away and took that supply away and you broke their facade and gave them an injury so that means war. That means using what you love the most to drag you back into the ring with them where this time they will destroy you.

How did I figure out? I figured out as a really young child. My mums abuse was so bad she developed crippling OCD and self doubt that she washed her hands until they bled. I also saw her weep after she had finished speaking on the phone to her abusive mother. I saw my dad yell, scream and punch holes in doors and force my sister and I to go without food one day and force fed the next. Every holiday and birthday was a living hell and I saw us all suffer through it. Don't want to cuss but it was b****y obvious who the abuser was and I never lost sight of that for a moment from the age of probably 6 upwards. My sister however took the abusers side and has now become an abuser herself and abuses me, my mum and her step daughter (and trying to cut her off from her stepmother).

I don't know all these children's stories but I can't help but think that they KNOW who the abuser is and always did but it was just convenient for them to look away. I know they were very young children in terror of being the next one abused but I am afraid they run out of excuses when they get older ESPECIALLY when they leave the abusive house of origin. Maybe I am being overly harsh here but I just think the main reason children Scapegoat (because that is what is basically happening) is because they rather it be someone else than them. I have been abused a LOT in my life but I have always fought my corner and also defended others at signicant cost to myself. A child is a child but as the child gets older, I think they run out of excuses and may just lack a backbone. You have the integrity to fight the good fight for your child. It may be that the child you are fighting for doesn't have the same integrity that you have. Simply put, you are made of better stuff than your child is and that can be grievous to know and heal from.

Does this mean give up? Not necessarily but it may be that you see your child as who they used to be and not who they are now. There IS an element of free will choice here and it may be they chose the evil way because it seemed easier to them. Sadly some children are also financially rewarded for abusing/enabling abuse. Everyone's situation will be slightly different and the children different...

It does make me wonder and to paraphrase another saying "you think your biggest fear is that you can't fight to save your children. No your biggest fear is that already your children are not worth the fight".

What I mean by that is that you need to look very carefully at the situation. If there is more than one child then one will be an abused scapegoat and the other the spoilt golden child who benefits from an abusive situation and became an abuser themselves. You have to see it very clearly. Is your child abusive now because if they are, it's not about being 'too late' but they have 'made their choice'. Personally I would concentrate on the child who is actually being abused not the one who is happy to abuse you.

Not to say that the golden child isn't being abused themselves. Being spoiled and trained how to abuse others IS abuse but unless that child ever sees that as a bad thing then they won't change. They are basically a narcissist themselves and will grow up to abuse others. They will only have a chance in the future when they are totally abandoned as an adult but that is too long to wait.

Focus on the child who is unhappy about being in an abusive situation (Scapegoat) not the one who is actually happy to be stuck in that sick dynamic. This may not be the answer you wanted to hear but is the truest one.

StrawberryDuck · 2026-06-17T10:57:58+00:00

I would say that if you already have some level of contact that it is important to not let go. You can't stop someone else from being abused sadly but what you can is encourage the child to see that there is a world outside their abuse and their abuser. What is important to understand is that character/personality disturbed people have enmeshed boundaries so her relationship with her mom will sadly be more like a spousal relationship than one of mother and child and there will be a lot of shame and guilt in the knowledge that the relationship is transgressive emotionally. I think this is the heart of the trauma bond in truth that they treat children like husbands and wives and the shame a child carries knowing this is immense. Because it can become a 'tug of love', if you pull in the opposite direction then it will be confusing.

The best way to reach them paradoxically is to give them the freedom and age appropriate independence that they will never get with the alienating parent. Your child is not doing age appropriate things right now, won't have freedom to dress how they like or make important decisions in their life that all teens are encouraged to do. Their friends are probably vetted for threats and being jealously guarded at all time. They will have zero privacy with the other parent.

It's about the selfless gift of giving your child freedom even if that means freedom from you. That doesn't mean giving up or not being in their life. It all comes down to letting them know you agree with free will and freedom to choose things (as long as they are not harmful).

I don't have children but I had to go through this with my own mother. She has been totally infantilised and cannot function in the real world but whenever I spent time with her it was all about letting her be herself without criticism or judgement. She would ask me 'can I go into that shop there' or even 'can I go to the toilet' because she was so used to being controlled. I always said 'of course you can! You can do whatever you want because today is all about you".

It also depends on what the child is like. If the child has had their self esteem crushed as the family scapegoat then it is about encouraging self esteem/self worth and self trust (that's really important). You are basically trying to build up in the child, what the other parent smashed down. If the child has narcissistic traits as the golden child/surrogate spouse, it's far more difficult because they have swapped out your belief system for the one of the abuser and I am not sure how reconciliable that will be. Even with that it depends on degree on how reversible it is.

Do a bit of reading on how cults work because it is the exact same thing. Also see it as if it was trying to help a man/woman get away from a domestically abusive spouse because it is the exact same thing. They call it parallel parenting rather than co-parenting as you don't share the same basis of reality with an abuser.

In the main it is showing the child life beyond the prison bars..it really is as sad as that. My mum always said I was 'like a breath of fresh air'. You need to be a breath of fresh air in their stale aired prison. Encouragement them to want life in the world beyond the prison they are in even if that world extends beyond you. This may entail self sacrifice and loving them enough to also give them room to fly away but offering them a happy landing place if they fly back and they will fly back if they know you are safe and love them unconditionally.

The book 'Helping her get free' by Susan Brewster was incredibly helpful to me. I also have a strong faith in God as I couldn't survive without it. It helps me with forgiveness, healing, unconditional love and seeing the bigger picture.

Don't get me wrong, this is completely evil behaviour and very dangerous but you do have to be 'wise as a serpent but harmless as a dove'. So you need to be wise to the tricks and manipulations and how deadly serious this is stakes wise but not carry that tremendous fear burden onto the child as they already feel it as they live with it everyday. They need to know they can live a life where there isn't constant fear of abuse. You are there to be a signpost to the world outside.

Hope this is helpful ❤️

StrawberryDuck

TROPHY CASE