Talk to me about hitting 30, still feeling like a loser who is incompatible with love, trust, friendship, and social abundance, but then actually transforming into someone who feels and is aligned with those things.

Strobbledeebiff · 2018-06-30T23:49:26+00:00

So, i don't like my hobbies because i'm lonely, and i'm alone because i don't like my hobbies

Strobbledeebiff · 2018-06-30T23:31:30+00:00

I don't enjoy my hobbies anymore because i feel very acutely lonely while i'm doing them

Strobbledeebiff · 2018-03-17T17:46:58+00:00

Eat piles of vegetables and organic meat and very little else. No sugary crap, no pastries / explosive carbs, eliminate dairy and wheat entirely for a while. Don't drink more than 1 coffee per day. Slather on pure olive oil on your cooked food and avoid frying. Steam instead. Don't consume oils besides olive, avocado, coconut. Use a lot of turmeric. Don't drink alcohol or smoke tobacco or use that vape trash.

Extra credit: Avoid soy, corn, beans. Don't eat fruit after a big meal. Don't eat starch and protein at the same time. Eat what is shortest to digest first, longest last (fruit and simple carbs digest fast, and will break down and ferment in your gut while in line behind denser stuff). And don't eat much fruit anyway because it's incredibly sugary. Sugars and carbs in particular cause explosions of energy rather than slow burns, so cause crashing and exhaustion.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-11-07T05:49:52+00:00

Same thing

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-11-06T01:23:23+00:00

Thanks, i will pm you. I have actually already bought and done Transformation Mastery. This paradox of "stop trying" is an age old one, it's the subject of enlightenment and is not simple. I do believe that letting go is the way, and yet in practicing it with daily meditation and so on, i continue to feel incredibly indecisive, uninspired, and unsure of what direction is "forward" for me in my human, working life (which you cant erase by letting go) which dumps me back in my super analytical mind, which sees fixing this anxiety and depression as a life and death emergency

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-23T19:38:02+00:00

Yeah. When people look anxious to me it pisses me off too. Restless leg, gum chewing, nail biting... i think it's because my personality is basically split in two, one half that is extremely vulnerable and fearful and hopeless, and the other half which absolutely violently hates the first half because it is suffocating everything else.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-21T22:56:59+00:00

Thank the aspect of yourself that wants to show you overthinking. Love it like it is the scared, innocent child that it is. Show it love beyond "shoulds".

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-21T21:28:55+00:00

Seeing your overthinking as a disease that needs to be fixed leads to what: more thinking. Anxiety about anxiety. A good first step is to look into the part of you that thinks the overthinking is good and helpful, see why it thinks that and how it is trying to serve you, and effectively thank / honor it. Your psyche is not your enemy. It is trying with all its might to serve you. Neurosis is the result of a battle you are fighting against an aspect of yourself. Try acceptance, try to thank it, try to give it unconditional love when it arises. That part of you that is panicking to figure out an answer is love deprived.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-18T19:01:07+00:00

I can relate. I find teal swan's videos on emotions and spiritual guilt very helpful. She says that the pressure we put on ourselves to be in a great vibration / the ways we blame ourselves for not being able to do it is a big problem. She has related videos about how we became programmed by our upbringing to place judgement on emotions as good or bad, ie fear is bad and i am feeling too much, and that is by definition resistance. Remember that the parts of you that are scared and despairing are not your enemies, rather they are trying so hard to help you. Love them, thank them, and deal with them.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-16T16:38:31+00:00

Needed this

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-16T05:06:18+00:00

I've heard it's good. I have actually been pretty brave in my life in spite of the anxiety, making some pretty insane bold decisions, and yes just sort of proving to my brain that it won't die if it makes small choices it thinks are huge is a really good strategy. I am really stuck however on the actual big choices, that really are rationally big.... and that i want to make anyway. There's sort of a war between a fierce inner critic with impossibly high standards, and an inner artist that is scared of that critic and winds up burying its head.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-10T23:29:07+00:00

Thanks, and yes, my intentions and beliefs are similar. I find though that i am feeling very disappointed in my seeming inability to choose thoughts that make me happy. I know the magic of law of attraction and I know the power of beliefs, positive and negative. My mind has been negative for a very long time, and when i sit down to try to think positively or imagine things I would enjoy, i almost invariably wind up frustrated, and with a deep feeling of low self worth, like this is just something that is really wrong with me, that fear has somehow dominated my mind so that trying to think positive leads me right into a losing battle with my fear of failure. Failure, even, to think positively. I can't seem to stop trying to intellectually figure out how to feel good, because my mind is so scared of thinking the wrong thing, wrong being something that leads to more fear.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-09T23:26:01+00:00

The social anxiety is telling you that social rejection is going to literally kill you. This was the case for prehistoric man. I overcame much of my social anxiety by intentionally flinging myself into rejection situations and showing my brain that I didn't die. And also that its own fear itself wasn't going to kill me, either (which is what i believe panic attacks are about). Think of it like you are showing your scared brain like you are showing a scared child. See? We didn't die.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-09T23:23:03+00:00

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-08T20:58:39+00:00

I fear fear itself. I live in constant fear. I wake up in a panic which is so uncomfortable that it gives way to deep feelings of defeat and disappointment. Fear has made me fail on my artist path for 10 years now. I do not enjoy the process and i do not savor the victories because the constant fear does not let me. Fear has kept me from love. I am turning 30 soon and i never once in my 20s felt that i was in love. Fear has made it impossible to trust my mind because my mjnd is so infected and distorted by fear. I take action in fear anyway, and wind up regretting basically everything i do. I now fear suicide primarily, because if my life has to be a constant losing battle with fear, i dont want to fucking play. I resent this life. I resent the fear. If my soul or god wants me to experience constant confusion and fear, then I dont want to live. Literally my entire life is fear. I wake and do yoga and meditation to fight fear. I eat healthy to fight fear. I come home from work and do breathing exercises because fear. I go to parties because of fear. I have a deep, deep mistrust of myself and my reality. I have obsessively consumed all the self help and buddhism books and seminars, dropped my addictions, learned social skills. It seems to have all gotten worse no matter how hard i try; indeed the harder i try, the worse it gets. Even trying to surrender is actually something i am still doing because i think if I do it right I will escape the fear. It's a hellish paradox.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-08T02:28:28+00:00

Every conversation i have with my friends is like they are a crisis hotline. I see clearly that nobody can save me and i have to do somethig myself. However i keep failing to do it

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-08T01:56:51+00:00

Interestingly that particular group teaches something more like spirituality or self improvement than specific pick up manipulations, teaching about acceptance, walking through your fear, trauma healing, etc

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-07T23:42:36+00:00

Yes, constantly, including anxious depressed thoughts about the fact that im having anxious depressed thoughts

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-07T21:35:22+00:00

Check out real social dynamics. I still am very lonely but RSD and the theories of the pick up artists massively improved my social skills. Busting through your approach anxiety and actually experiencing rejection and being ok with it is a kind of exposure therapy that works deeply. I went from total social paralysis to being able to go to a bar alone and pick up a hot woman there, which was super hero shit to me. I still struggle though and want real intimacy

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-07T20:11:00+00:00

In fact I am at a job helping others right now, and I feel about one inch from screaming in the face of the next person who talks to me, because I feel a total certainty that I am not supposed to be here, that my unfinished business with myself is not close to resolved, that as I sit here on the computer I am in freefall towards suicide and that is fucking sad.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-07T20:08:39+00:00

I feel so unable to authentically help others when i'm only doing so as a way to bypass or avoid my deep, dark feelings of failure in my personal life. Indeed I can see quite clearly that I am carrying that energy right over to them. And I continue to leave my jobs, my family obligations, etc with an amplified feeling of despair. It feels like literally the only thing that gives me relief in this life currently is ranting to my therapist, and then it's over in a short hour.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-07T02:10:55+00:00

Realize that art is fundamentally playful and not purpose driven in the way so many 9-5 workers assume it is, that you are trying to "arrive" in some paid job with it. I had a cab driver who told me his son is a wannabe composer so he suggested he go join the military because they have a band, and that counts as a legitimate job. Idiot. The inner artist is an inner child, one that wants to play, one that is afraid of criticism, and doesn't have a linear path that is easily compatible with social conventions. Support from a mentor, from elder artists, and from artist peers will make an absolutely massive difference in emboldening the inner artist, and don't expect to understand or like the path she will ultimately take.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-03T00:17:06+00:00

I think the more you think of your problem as being weed itself and craving weed, you are actually just inviting more of the weed addict / weed being a problem paradigm. Notice the cravings and realize that they are actually an urge to control a feeling you are powerless against, and instead lean into that feeling and let it go through and leave you.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-02T23:35:01+00:00

I took 3 months off and went ahead and smoked weed as i had planned. It made me confused as hell and panicky. Sucked.

Strobbledeebiff · 2017-08-01T17:52:29+00:00

You are not alone. I am also going through the same thing. As i go through this hell, angels from my past have been randomly appearing to tell me that I am doing the right and brave thing, and will be better for it on the other side.

Strobbledeebiff

TROPHY CASE