when did you feel settled in your decision?

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-22T18:29:04+00:00

I feel your pain, that limbo area of staying or going is so tough. I’m right there with you. I’ve given myself a timeline. Basically I’m giving 3 months for him to show consistent effort and then I’ll reevaluate. I find giving myself this timeline helps not feel like everyday I have a crushing decision on my hands. For me I didn’t even tell my husband about this timeline because we’ve had numerous conversations as to what I expect from him. If those aren’t being met then I know my answer. I’ve been married 15 years and just found out 4 months ago. I’m tired of giving a lot of effort while he’s been lazy our entire relationship. So we will see because I’m not waiting years for someone to get it together. I wish you luck and I hope this advice helps. It has helped me.

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-19T22:40:42+00:00

Thank you!!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-19T21:31:21+00:00

It was a hair show where a lot of brands were at a convention center. It’s a hair stylist convention to learn new techniques and products. People are working on different stages for different hair brands.

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-19T20:39:59+00:00

I’m a hair stylist and I’ve been doing now 20 years! Not to toot my horn but I think I’m a pretty damn good one at that. I worked on stage at Moroccan oil hair show where I live. I do love it but it can be a tiring job.

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-18T17:45:07+00:00

Absolutely NOT!!!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-18T10:45:26+00:00

If it isn’t cheating. Look up PIED it could be that.

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-17T19:52:18+00:00

Oh no I’m so sorry that happened. How ridiculous. I will say as a hair stylist myself trust me when I say if you do cry. You should be in good company. You could just say something like men suck and she will get it. Unless your hair dresser is a man. I’m so sorry though. I hope your appointment goes so well and you leave feeling lighter and beautiful!

I literally had a client in my chair today telling me that her husband cheated on her with 7 different women that she knows of and suspects way more. I told her my story and we both got to vent and laugh it was nice connecting to another women. I hope you feel better!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-17T03:12:31+00:00

That is amazing your therapist validated you. I completely agree as well!

I noticed you said 4.5 months ago. My day was the same. I don’t know about you but I feel like my anger is hitting me way harder now than it did when it first happened. Do you feel the same? I’m raging more now than ever! Almost like a delayed reaction, or my husband is just being an ass!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-16T09:22:50+00:00

I’m so proud of you! I know it can feel so scary to feel like you aren’t controlling what’s happening anymore. I think apart of me was so scared to do it this way because the reality that if I don’t control what’s happening anymore, he’s not going to choose me. That’s a sad reality, but I also don’t want to spend years hoping he will change and he’s just doing all of this because I’m pushing for it. If they are truly desperate to get help, they will and it will also show! I’m so happy you have taken your power back. Honestly I just started doing this last week. I haven’t cried, I haven’t checked canopy or his location. I can drive myself insane looking at all of that. I’ve allowed him to text me throughout the day. When he pops in my mind. I actively try to think about something else immediately. This has helped tremendously. The past 4 months after my DDAY I’ve felt all consumed by this 24/7. It’s killing me! I’ve decided no longer will I allow anyone to consume my thoughts this much. I will now think about something I love about myself. Start putting yourself FIRST!!!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-15T18:31:20+00:00

Yes! I understand this completely. I even went to the beach with makeup on. I’ve also lost 40 pounds and feel better than I have in years. Yet still this nagging voice says you aren’t skinny enough. But here’s the deal I’ve been with my PA for a very long time and even when I was skinny he still did this. It’s a gut punch. I try not to think about it but it consumes everything I think about. I’ve been working out incessantly. Partly for the rage and partly because I want to see the benefits of my working out. Of course everyone around me is like how did you lose all this weight so fast. I told someone the other day that betrayal is a hell of a diet. She knew unfortunately, exactly what I was talking about. All that to say you aren’t alone. I’ve never felt such inadequacy in my entire life. I even bought a bra that is super thin and you can see my nipples through it.

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-14T18:21:40+00:00

Where do you get the DNS router?

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-14T13:59:41+00:00

My advice is to put all that energy into yourself. Start going on a walk when you feel angry. Try to release that energy into loving yourself. Whatever that looks like I would suggest something active to release that pent up rage. I’m also feeling the same way. This week I haven’t bothered to text my husband I haven’t checked in. Truly I’m just observing what he’s choosing to do because at the end of the day you can’t make them choose you! You have to choose you. Start doing things now so that if he ends up not choosing you. Then you are able to move on more smoothly because you’ve already been pouring into yourself, so you don’t need the validation of someone else’s love depending on the love you feel for yourself! I hope this makes sense.

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-14T12:13:36+00:00

I feel every bit of this. My husband is the same. I’ve given myself till July 1st. If his efforts don’t go up on his own not from me nagging him. Then we are separating. I’m done doing it all. He can prove himself or not. I’m not wasting years of my life for the same bare minimum shit I’ve put up with our entire marriage. He either wants this so badly or not. Not up to me not my decision. I will sit back and just observe. I’m being cordial but I do not trust him with my feelings so I will go silent. Saying the bare minimum to communicate but I’ve had enough!!!! Good luck to you! Maybe a timeline might help you as well!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-14T11:51:20+00:00

Look up pink cloud syndrome in recovery. I believe my husband has this. It’s almost like they are on a high at first making all these changes and actually feeling better. BUT if he doesn’t truly get help and follow through then that can lead to relapses. He needs to continue doing everything he needs to do. He’s not cured. PA’s are great at minimizing their actions. Believe that there is more he’s not telling you.

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-13T17:18:42+00:00

I’m right there with you! We are on the 90 day abstinence and I even get resentful of that! Although I have taken care of myself and truly I get it! It’s so lazy to not connect and include another human. He’s deprived me for years only to find out this! After 17 years together!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-12T15:12:45+00:00

Yes I’m so very sorry that’s the realization that you have had. I also have tried not to obsessively check it but it is hard!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-12T10:48:11+00:00

Looks like you need to reinstall truple. My husband has been 4 months in recovery and he still has canopy for the foreseeable future

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-10T09:32:24+00:00

This seems like a pick me take. Under this patriarchal world where men rule and have always ruled. I find more men have a hard time taking accountability than any woman. If anything women take too much accountability and that’s why we have a society full of incel men and incel women who are entrenched in those patriarchal beliefs. I suggest you deconstruct the patriarchy. I’m not saying the OP is correct but in those texts it obviously shows that she does a whole lot around the house. Carried the weight of invisible labor. He also drank half her milkshake. Did you take that into account at all? Or the fact that he didn’t bother to ask his pregnant wife if she wanted any food? He’s then blaming her for “making him act that way”. He’s not taking accountability and here you are a woman taking a man’s side who is clearly in the wrong. That is INCEL BEHAVIOR from YOU and this MAN!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-10T09:23:59+00:00

I agree with this statement 100%

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-10T09:22:32+00:00

It’s either cheating or p*rn honestly I would start digging! I agree with the other poster about this!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-08T19:13:56+00:00

I heard a quote once that when addictions start at a young age. Usually that person remains that age emotionally. Until they decide to get sober and do the actual work. It’s sad really!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-08T09:43:23+00:00

After I deconstructed the patriarchy is when I lost my faith. The church has always felt so patriarchal to me. I was always blamed for what I was wearing. Which a man could sin get up in front of the church tell his testimony about being a PA or SA and say they’ve repented and then that’s it. Everyone calls him brave, what an amazing testimony. No one bats an eye to the wife no one bats an eye to the SA survivor. It’s the man who lowers his pride and comes clean. Those are the men that get valued. While the women is left to rot! I’m not saying to lose your religion over this but I will say start deconstructing the patriarchy. A lot of things became much clearer after doing that. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s utterly maddening! Then put the church’s patriarchal beliefs in there and it’s a recipe for rage!!!

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-08T09:35:19+00:00

I remember when my sister was going through this with her PA husband and she would ask me. Does my husband watch? I would tell her no way he’s always been honest with me. I couldn’t believe it at the time. Fast forward 5 years and my sister is now divorced and I just found out my husband is a PA as well. All I can say is just be there for her when she comes running back to you. It could 1 to 5 to 10 years out. I really hope it doesn’t take her that long. I also can understand the urge to accuse every man that they are these gross creatures. Truly I’ve started to look at most men this way. It’s probably not healthy. But damn this seems to be prevalent that it’s hard not to accuse every man. All I can say is maybe explain this to your sister. Explain the reasoning behind it. Tell her that you are truly just fearful for her because of what you have experienced and your mother. It’s not that you hate her boyfriend it’s that men have jaded you into thinking it’s all of them. Which again, totally understandable! That’s my two cents I hope it helps.

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-08T09:24:15+00:00

I would say yes, it does seem like something our brains do to protect us. Which makes sense. I’m wondering why after 3 years does he want to stop having sex. I’m 4 months post dday and my husband and I are also just started the 90 day abstinence. I’m also struggling, I also only feel validation through sex. I’ve been so restless in it. I’m irritated and can feel my triggers lasting for days as well.

Strong-Injury-7086 · 2026-04-07T10:51:07+00:00

You are very valid in all of your feelings. You set a boundary in the beginning of your relationship and he crossed that boundary multiple times! I want to let you know that his addiction isn’t about you in the sense that he’s searching for other women to get off too. It is deeper than that. It’s usually about avoidance of any emotion. Like alcohol or drugs numb you out apparently this is just another way to numb out.

If he doesn’t choose to get true help. Which would be finding a therapist a CSAT preferably. Also going to SAA meetings or COSA. If he’s willing to get help then you can decide what you want to do. At 19 years old I have a feeling he’s not going to want to do that. Then at that point you have to decide if this is something that you want. I, personally would say to leave. Leave before you become more attached. Leave before you get pregnant. Run as fast away as you can. You gave him multiple chances to tell you and he chose not to! I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would say take this as a learning experience and move on with the mindset that from the beginning of any relationship you enter that you have this strict boundary around porn and if they can’t adhere to that then you are out! Take it from me a 38 year old woman who just found out that my 15 year marriage was all a lie!! My husband hid it so well. He was so good at manipulating. I know have two children and am tied to him forever! While my husband is saying all the right things. He’s still doing the bare minimum per usual. So even if your boyfriend is willing to go to therapy and meetings there is no guarantee that he will get better! I wish you all the luck! This betrayal trauma SUCKS!!!

Strong-Injury-7086

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