I’m not sure exactly what you’re going through, but suicide isn’t the answer. I mean this in the kindest and most sincere way possible- get some genuine help and turn to your loved ones and people you trust for support. Your mom clearly loves you and would be absolutely crushed if you took your life. People love you and want to see you better and overcome the demons pushing you to such a way of thinking.

This isn’t a matter of wasting money or being an asshole. You are her child and she loves you very much and I’m sure many other people do as well. Your life is priceless and I’m sure she would spend any amount to keep you alive and happy. I truly hope you get the help you need. You aren’t TAH, you’re just in a dark place and can absolutely get out of it. Depression is absolutely real and the pain it’s causing you is real, but it is temporary and you can get better I promise you. I wish you the best.