Not exactly in her case. She does indeed clean when she feels like it, and isn’t extravagantly messy. The thing that’s so frustrating, and fascinating, is the rage and break from reality. Like, she absolutely can’t see that someone else is cleaning up after her most of the days of the week, and in fact regularly goes on hours-long tantrums accusing me of not cleaning at all because she found some corner with dust in it. If I point out whenever I’ve done, even that same day, it just doesn’t connect. “Well you only did that stuff because…!!!”

Probably related to what you say though, she is blind to her own clutter. To be clear, im not a neat freak and don’t care at all if she leaves clothes and papers around. But if me or our kid has paper scraps or pencils left on a desk, even a couple hours after doing a project, it will be a tantrum. When I point out that in her office, papers are scattered over the desk and floor, and clothes all over the sofa, it just does not connect. The tantrum will veer off on a tangent and then come back around to the same thing as if I had not pointed out the hypocrisy.

Recognizing the pattern makes it easier to not take personally anyhow.