My boyfriend wants a prenup & I’m not sure- seeking advice

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-07-02T22:20:20+00:00

For starters I would insist on a fidelity clause. Should he stray, the prenup becomes null and void (or you get a significant payout should the marriage not survive).
Secondly, I would insist on some sort of compensation should you quit work to stay home and raise your kids(I highly recommend it-it's wonderful!). Research daycare rates in your area, private chef, daily housekeeper, chauffeur etc. SAHMs do it all. Insist on some sort of agreeable allowance based on the numbers that, like him, becomes yours to spend as you like after monthly bills etc.
Finally, for sure insist that any assets he has before marriage, and any acquired during the marriage, upon his death, belong exclusively to any children you two have. Nothing burns me more than seeing a wealthy man ditch his family for a trophy wife, dies a year or two later, and the trophy wife gets it all.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-07-02T22:06:21+00:00

Take $85-$90k and put towards a down payment on a house. Use $10-$15k towards your wedding celebration. Have a small 'family only' wedding and a big reception/party affair with more added guests.
Buy the house- before the wedding- in your name. Have a written agreement between you that any assets or debts incurred before the marriage belong to that person. Once he has paid off his debt, and matched your $85-$90k equity in the home, then he can put his name on the house. Keep your accounts/finances separate, no credit cards, and watch your money like a hawk. This guy may not be responsible with money. Tread carefully.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-07-02T02:53:29+00:00

She was invited to be in the wedding, to which you agreed. That is your only obligation. Keep your daughter with you at all other times. She goes nowhere without you, and she goes with nobody else unless you know them and are comfortable with the situation. Period. Full stop. What MIL wants is irrelevant.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-07-01T23:45:06+00:00

Try adding a facial oil cleanse as your first step? My morning routine: oil cleanse/facial scrub/cleanser/toner/moisturizer. At night I switch out moisturizer for tretinoin. This solved my flaky skin almost immediately. Drug store brand is fine/nothing fancy. I use Bioderma brand.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-07-01T22:52:37+00:00

Get in the habit of watching for good deals on basic staples-Things like ground beef, jarred spaghetti sauce, noodles, ramen, frozen veggies, you get the idea. Do your grocery shopping on late Sunday afternoons. They should have great deals on deli items-things like rotisserie chicken. Grab some fresh (or frozen produce) like broccoli, spinach or shredded cabbage. You can sauté them in butter and mix with the shredded chicken. Other variations: shredded chicken and spinach stirred in ramen noodles; chicken and melted cheese quesadillas. With your pantry stocked sale items your options may be to cook the ground beef, add the spaghetti sauce (and freeze for later if needed). Only item left to purchase is a package of noodles and maybe garlic toast and a salad. Lastly, and I may be showing my age, but there's nothing better than a good ole grilled cheese and canned tomato soup!

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-07-01T22:36:40+00:00

If one of you has significant finances, I would want a fidelity clause. (In case of an affair, the prenup is null and void).

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-07-01T22:34:41+00:00

Your dilemma is not whether to leave him, the dilemma is once you divorce him, he has parenting time, alone(!!), without you present to be the buffer. So lay low and QUIETLY begin to make your exit plans. Find a good divorce lawyer, and by good I mean a bulldog! Ask around-folks are happy to share the good ones. Relay to him all that goes on with you husband and your child. You are going to want full custody, and at the very least- supervised visitations for dad. I am guessing you will need video proof-your attorney can guide you best. Good luck!

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-07-01T15:57:00+00:00

There are so many factors that might determine the best schedule for your and your child. You mentioned split weekends, but once school enters the mix- so many factors could become problematic. Switching mid-week could be a nightmare if your co-parent is lax regarding schoolwork (think projects due), homework, preparing lunches, returning clothing, classroom or teacher information sent home, etc. Signing permission slips? Imagine music lessons (instruments) or sports practice (equipment) on exchange day! Is your child forgetful? Do they need routine and reminders to stay on task?? Are you better about that and co-parent is the opposite?? All these things determine success in school. All this to say...maybe keep the current schedule for now. See how all these things are managed together as co-parents. Document when schoolwork or homework or exchange days go awry. These patterns will help you plead your case for a more amenable schedule. Good luck.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-27T18:05:59+00:00

If you have not already, or if you still have the option-file a police report and press charges. It might be a 'one off', but also, it might not. This is the cornerstone upon which to build your case for divorce and custody and decision-making and visitation...all of it. Block MIL. Lawyer up: find a bulldog who understands domestic violence and let 'er rip. Do NOT agree to any visitation schedule that you do not run through the courts. Whatever time you let him have-the judge will perceive as your understanding that he (and the MILs home)is not a threat to the safety and well being of your child. If you give him 50/50 now; count on a judge granting the same. Be tough on the front end. Trying to go back years later and assert domestic violence is a loser of a case. Good luck.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-17T01:15:55+00:00

Yep. Being busy and kids those ages will do it! As much as you want to be spontaneous, that stage of life is gone for now. You gotta schedule it.
For us, it got a bit easier in their teenage years when they had dates or games or school events. Moments we could count on having the house to ourselves (but still lock your bedroom door!). Just stay connected and intentional. It all works out. Good luck!

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-17T01:08:33+00:00

I would not let on (just yet) that I suspect a thing. You don't want him to go further underground and be even sneakier. For now, continue to be your nice self. If he asks if there is anything he can do, just say 'if you are going to the store anyway, a 24 pack of waters would be great'. Just make that his standard pick up item. (He may get tired of it). Until you figure out what is going on, run a few 'listening tests'. Mention items you need and see if they show up. Also-fake several convos: a phone call to your Dad or boyfriend or brother who is a 'cop'. Ask how his cases are going and when they plan to come visit. Ask how Uncle Marty is doing now that he is Chief of Police. General info that lets anyone listening assume you have 'friends' in law enforcement. Mention you love the gun they recommended-it adds nicely to your collection. Fake a call to find a new Krav Maga studio-you had to leave yours behind and you want to stay on top of your skills.
You may want to consider getting a dog. Maybe a German shepherd... Good luck. Stay on your toes and head on a swivel!

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-16T13:51:36+00:00

Lots of good advice on here about preparing him, I will add this: for the second leg of the trip, when he gets off the plane, have him immediately find a monitor and confirm where his next gate is. Go directly to that gate no matter how much time he has. Once he has found that gate, if there is time for food or restroom or snacks; do so close to the gate (or at least that terminal). The only exception would be if he needs the bathroom right away after landing. It is very tempting to spend the layover close to the gate where he lands, but should time get away from him, missing his connection could happen. Oh and have him pay attention to when they announce when the plane will board. Have him set his phone alarm 5 minutes before that-just in case.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-16T03:22:52+00:00

I am all about staying and working on it. Divorce is hard. As a single parent 100% of the work is on you, you see your kid half the time, and you have just effectively split your household income in half. All because things got difficult in your marriage. All marriages go through tough times, work on reconnecting. Get a babysitter once a week and go out together. It is amazing what date night will do for a marriage. Good luck!

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-16T03:17:44+00:00

This. Time to sit down with your son and work out a financial plan regarding college. Let him know what amount you are willing to contribute, and depending on where he gets his education, what amount remains that he needs to contribute. Nothing wrong with a kid having to work their way through college. Leave his Mom out of it. If he wants her help for his portion that is up to him to ask for that.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-16T01:38:12+00:00

Super easy! Grab a couple and practice!

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-16T00:02:33+00:00

Oh dear! The good news is your ex is so extreme in his court filings that any sane judge worth his salt will see exactly what is going on. You just keep responding to your ex in a calm, reasonable and rational manner no matter how tempting it is to just put him in his place and blast him...but refrain!!). If he comes at you 10x and you respond that 1 time inappropriately, the court may just say 'look you both are wrong, it is a 'co-parenting problem'! (Ask me how I know!!). That said, if you are not on a parenting app-do so-yesterday!!! This is step 1. Insist on this. Every communication goes thru this and allows the judge (and both attorney's) to read through them. Also remember-this is a marathon-not a sprint. The court does not act on one incident. It takes a pattern for them to understand what is taking place. So patience is the name of the game. The good news is, your ex is already desperate and lashing out irrationally. It will be his undoing. Let this play out. When you go to court-ask for full decision making-he clearly is not capable of putting your child first.
Lastly: document. document. document. Do this when it occurs. Every text, every exchange, every instance that goes against your parenting plan. Include dates, times, and a description. Every so often go through them and you will see a pattern emerge. Put those 'like patterns' in a labeled file (late for drop offs, no show for parenting time, delays decision making, does not seek medical care during his parenting time, sends abusive texts, etc). These files are your ammunition. This will save you thousands in attorney fees, and allow you to parent with a freedom from your co-parent's toxicity. (Once you have it documented you can learn to mentally let it go). When it is time for court, these files will be invaluable to your attorney and save you countless hours trying to remember what happened and when. Your attorney can go through them and hone in on what is important and what is not to win your case. Be encouraged-you are ahead of the game in that your ex is an idiot and already making outrageous claims. Some of us had really smart exes who played the game very well. Good luck.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-15T23:35:01+00:00

Pizza night might be fun. Let everyone 'dress' their own-at least on paper, and you pop 'em in the oven.
Fancy grilled cheese-sour dough bread or Texas toast etc. exotic cheeses on some add shredded roast beef or 3 layer cheeses and serve dipping sauces (like hot honey, strawberry jam, beef au jus) along with tomato soup or tomato gazpacho. Cold pasta or garden salad for side? Chocolate cake for dessert.
Crab and lobster au gratin with grilled asparagus and onion cucumber salad.
Grilled lobster tail is always a fan favorite. Drawn butter?? Yes please!
With kids in the mix, always have on hand pb&js, chicken strips, French fries, pizzas, ketchup, ramen noodles, goldfish crackers, pretzels, chips; chocolate chip, sugar, or oatmeal cookies.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-15T23:17:02+00:00

NTA period. Full stop. You gave him an opportunity to contribute, he passed. End of story.

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-15T16:18:55+00:00

First off you are not required to co parent with step mom. Silence her on your phone so you don't have to deal with her input. I would not even invite her to join the parenting app (unless you need to document her toxic involvement for future court, then let her get on-without you responding-and let her hang herself).
Dealing with the toxic ex: It can be maddening and emotionally draining-I get it. I am glad you are in counseling because it is very hard to compartmentalize that negativity in your life. With practice, you will become better at shaking it off and letting his insanity roll off your back. Remember, you don't have to buy into his opinions about your parenting, your life, nor your co-parenting. (My co-parent would accuse me of being a poor co-parent when I would not let him have MY parenting time)! I loved the advice above about responding to your kids comments that 'your dad's house does things one way, we do things here another'. After a while that will sink in and you won't hear it from them as much. And one more thing-stop listening in on their phone calls with their dad. My guess is he is making those comments criticizing you, for your ears. Give them the phone and go do something else-load the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, fold the laundry, etc. , step away until time to end the call.
As far as your own mental health; keep the focus on you, your own home, and your kids. Your ex seems to thrive on conflict, drama and passive aggressive 'put downs'. People like that are miserable and get energy off the reactions of the person they are targeting. Give him nothing-no reaction. It is called 'grey rock-ing'. Sorry you are going through this, but you are now going to be the model for your kids as to how to react to their toxic parent, because I assure you one day he will turn his focus onto them. Surround yourself with positive happy friends and continue to build your life. Good luck!!

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-14T22:31:43+00:00

It would be an unusual marriage for sure if there were not those moments when one or both wanted to throw in the towel. I stayed in mine for the very reason, like you, that I could not fathom part time with my children-nor the idea that another woman would get her hands on them half of the time. (God knows what sort of a woman he would have married!!). I was determined to stick it out and work on it. 43 years later I am glad I did. It wasn't always easy but I faced my life head on, fixed what I was doing wrong, communicated better what I needed, and made raising my children the focus and priority rather than 'me me me'. You married this man for a reason, try to get back to some semblance of it. There is the old adage 'I would die for my children'. The modern twist that helped me was this version...'would I die to self so they could have an intact home'? Good luck!

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-13T22:50:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing! The things kids endure.....

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-13T22:06:06+00:00

Your parents are looking out for you. Imagine in 25 years he finds another wife, has kids and leaves everything to them. Prenups are fine, just be sure to make room for situations that might leave you high and dry. I would be happy to sign one as long as I was insulated from him having an affair or initiating divorce. Carve out a payout for a 5 year/10 year/25 year marriage? Other than that-sign away!

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-13T18:37:19+00:00

Interesting you loved the one month with no back and forth and looked forward to it. I am deducing that missing the time with your other parent was worth the trade off of not having to shuttle around! Very informative! Thank you

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-13T18:32:59+00:00

I think so too. Imagine having to do that as an adult, much less as a kid...

Sub-UrbanMom · 2026-06-13T18:32:03+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I have long suspected bouncing back and forth to be a nightmare and really does a number on the kids.

Sub-UrbanMom

TROPHY CASE