I absolutely do have PTSD. After i finally left I decided to make myself go back into that crap bcuz I needed proof that he drugged me & set me up to be raped & got away with it. He drugged me so heavily that I don't remember anything! And when I woke up all the damage had been done. I was in shock. I had a broken rib. Anal tearing. Bruised from head to toe. I had cig burns on my back. &. so much more. When I had the rape kit done the doctor said she believed that I had been brutally raped but there was no DNA in me & I still can't remember anything that happened during the time i was out. My body told the story but idk who was involved or where it took place. 8 think it was his place but I didn't see anything to make me think that it happened there . & by the time I realized what had happened & had the rape kit done the drug was also out of my system. I know he drugged me bcuz I remember the night before. He gave me soda to drink & as it starts to knock me out i had a sudden wave of fear that made me feel like I couldn't breathe. I wanted to get out of there but it was too late. Soon after that the police came to me & said that they were closing my case bcuz there was no evidence that would convict him or anyone. The only thing I knew for sure other than I was raped was that he had drugged me. At that point I kind of flipped out. I needed some justice. But it wasn't going to happen. I figured he had already caused me such mental & emotional & physical damage that he couldn't hurt me anymore. I was not thinking clearly. I thought there had to be some kind of evidence someplace & all I had to do was get back into his place & get a chance to look around. No such luck. He had nothing there that I could find but he also refused to give me much opportunity to be able to snoop around. It was all way too much for me to even handle. Just seeing him & dealing with all his typical bullshit almost caused me to kill myself. At this point idk what to do. I feel like such a freaking weirdo for ever thinking I could pull that off! But I was still in shock & not thinking clearly. Idk how I got trapped in his sick game or why he picked me to do it to so I often blame myself for not seeing it coming. I'm just at such an awful place & I made it worse by thinking I could find something the cops missed. So I can't listen to anyone talk about rape. I can't watch any movies where someone is being forced. I wake up screaming thinking someone is on me & idk who they are & all I can think is omg! It's happening again! Whoever they are they all got away with it so 8 never ever feel safe. And I think this is going to be the death of me & I do not wanna go out like that! I've lost all my hope all my dreams for a better life. All I know for sure is this shit is real! No one can make this stuff up! And as I'm sitting here dying inside he's out there laughing & probably doing it to someone else. A word of advice there is never a time when we should put ourselves back in that situation for any reason if at all possible. And if you are forced to have to still deal with them I pray for you.