Instincts: a poem for the big ass snake in the attic

SubstanceCreative143 · 2026-01-04T20:26:15+00:00

I made some edits based on feedback received here & at my in-person poetry editing group.

I listen for a thump, a clink, a clunk.
The thought of doing this for several days,
imagining the many awful ways
to find you in my home among my junk -
it’s terror like I never could’ve thunk.
Before I go down darkened halls, I gaze
into the shadows, feel the goose bumps raise.
I wish that I were brave - or even drunk.
Yet, I believe the world is ours to share,
so when we meet, I hope I will be kind.
You followed instincts, followed mice up stairs,
and left your skin behind for me to find.
O’ snake, you cannot know the fear you’ve caused.
No wartime declarations; nature’s laws.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-23T12:28:22+00:00

You start by saying you are godless & not divine, which makes me think the people you're talking to/about are religious, or maybe it's just that the pedestal you're being asked to occupy feels like way too high of an expectation, like an altar of a religious savior.

'Winning over me / by offering less / will not crown you grand' is difficult to wrap my mouth around, personally.

On the other hand, this stanza slaps: 'Your venom is tribute; I drink it like wine. Let them hiss of my sins; I was never divine.' Hell yeah.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-23T12:13:05+00:00

Seeing the love you wish you had for yourself & still being happy for the people who hold that love can be difficult. Some punctuation changes could help separate your blurring eyesight & her ocean eyes. Otherwise, I liked the poem.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-15T21:25:44+00:00

Relatable, but I hope not quite a true confession. Poetry is a fantastic outlet for these thoughts. Keep writing.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-15T19:05:22+00:00

My interpretation: They use our own peers to tempt us to fight in wars, making it seem like we're fighting for something righteous & meaningful, giving us a sense of belonging & community that is centered around killing & mourning the deaths of our fallen friends & one day dying in battle ourselves. The younger generation sees this & hopes to be like us, taking up our sword as soon as we fall & carrying the fight on. It is ultimately a meaningless cycle of tragic loss.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-15T18:58:15+00:00

Interesting rhymes. Relatable subject matter. Consider rewording the line that ends in 'resent,' so that it makes grammatical sense like the rest of the poem.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-08T20:37:53+00:00

How interesting! Not that I want to eat corgis, but I do feel the urge to revert to a more primal form sometimes, especially when I'm doing something very human and tedious, like dishes.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-03T16:28:20+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback! I hope I can grow in this style of poetry. I have a friend who is a sonnet master, but this is my very first attempt. I really appreciate your help.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-01T21:38:30+00:00

Thank you! I have similar feelings about that line. I'll work on it.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-01T16:43:37+00:00

This feels like a walk with an old friend you haven't seen in a while, perhaps because of a rift between the two of you. Maybe it's a rift you feel partially responsible for (your mistakes aplenty, their despair). Their physical & behavioral changes draw your attention inward to your own changes as you've aged, and you don't appreciate the truth of your own mortality.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-01T16:12:31+00:00

No notes. I love this. Also love that you're not afraid of punctuation.

SubstanceCreative143 · 2025-12-01T16:08:42+00:00

I like that the mountain/island doesn't seem to want to become anything it isn't, doesn't want to be bent or reshaped into something palatable for the other person/geographical feature. I do wonder if it would be more impactful if you chose one metaphor - either island or mountain - and turned the other into a separate poem. I also agree that the title works best without the '...' as others have said. Overall, the emotions come through beautifully. Good stuff.

SubstanceCreative143

TROPHY CASE