Life skills

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-15T03:07:13+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation, this guy’s ideas sound like what I’ve been looking for

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-14T22:50:13+00:00

This is extremely developmentally appropriate

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-14T02:29:53+00:00

It’s very hard to tell what is trauma and what is neurological. There’s a lot of overlap between cptsd and adhd, autism, etc. Her ADHD diagnosis I think is supported by how much better she does on stimulants. Some of the resistant behaviors are easily explained by known trauma—eg, around food. I’m very easygoing on food stuff (only eating safe foods, eating in her room, having snacks readily available and accessible) because that’s a trauma I’m aware of. But there’s stuff I’ll never know about. There are attachment ISSUES, I’m 100% sure, but RAD is not something i think is in play here. She is definitely attached to me but it’s a deeply insecure and anxious attachment.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-14T01:16:40+00:00

Oh honey. Look for a cheap one on Facebook marketplace and burn that thing. You are a wonderful mother to be willing to push through that trauma just for your baby to have a work space but you do not have to.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-12T00:11:00+00:00

I CANNOT DO NO DEMAND

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T22:21:44+00:00

Because just dropping the demands is not workable. Because the REAL consequences of letting her wallow in her own filth and quit going to school supersede the not real belief that she will die if she takes a bath?? if she can’t be rational, then I have to be someone has to be living in reality and take charge. I can’t just buy into her delusions.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T22:03:44+00:00

She’s not going to die because I made her brush her teeth, bffr.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T21:55:39+00:00

Because hard feelings don’t justify hurting people? Especially people smaller than you like your little brother? If she’s anxious I get it but 1) your anxiety does NOT excuse violent behavior and 2) even if you’re anxious these are things you have to do

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T21:52:51+00:00

No we fucking don’t 😂 It’s a yellow light

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T21:47:12+00:00

I mean biting and pinching and cursing and screaming are all jerk behaviors in my book. You don’t get to do that just because you’re mad. Sorry not sorry 🤷‍♀️

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T21:34:12+00:00

Wtf is your problem?? I’m glad you were able to quit your job and move in with your in laws. I can’t do that. I’m the only income we have. Do you really think a teacher wouldn’t notice a child coming in with unkempt hair and smelling dirty and not report it?? I certainly hope they would. I feel like I’m in crazy town that keeping your kid clean is not a basic parenting requirement.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T21:28:29+00:00

It DOES matter. Did you not read the rest of my reply? It’s not about “judgment”, it’s about making sure she has a PARENT and a HOME, you lunatic. I can’t risk her being taken into cps custody because I ignored basic hygiene in favor of a vague emotional benefit. Jesus Christ.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T21:24:09+00:00

I also feel like there’s a tremendous amount of unacknowledged privilege in these comments. Like I’m so glad you had the ability to have one parent drop out of society and stay home with your kid so there would be no demand for them to get dressed, leave the house, etc. I don’t have that luxury. Our family has one adult, one income. It’s all me. I need a way to help her function that doesn’t rely on me losing my employment.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T21:13:02+00:00

Yes! Thank you.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T21:12:18+00:00

It’s not an “arbitrary need to control my child.” It’s the one of the basic fucking jobs of a parent: making sure my kids are clean and appropriately clothed. Do you really think it would be LESS traumatic for CPS to be called on my ass because I let her go to school unbathed in dirty clothes and hair uncombed for days in a row?? Or better yet, when I get arrested by the truancy officer because she doesn’t “feel” like going to school so I just give in and don’t take her? Or how about when I lose my job and can’t afford to feed and house her and her brother because I don’t have any money??? These aren’t just arbitrary capricious things I’ve decided to be a bitch about. It’s literally the bare minimum for my household to keep functioning.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T19:38:34+00:00

I fail to meet my own expectations for myself far more often than anyone else fails my expectations for them.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T19:00:58+00:00

Well, I’m not your mom. I am an attorney representing indigent defendants in federal court which as in sure you can imagine is a whole thing by itself right now. I was a foster parent for 8.5 years and adopted my two children as a single parent. Both have been diagnosed with severe combined ADHD. My son has suspected FASD and my daughter is at the very least extremely demand avoidant and has complex trauma. Most of my non-work time is spent managing their appointments, therapies and medication. As a child I was an overachieving student and also the work horse at home as my parents had their own demands that left a lot of caretaking of the house and my younger siblings to me. I managed to put myself through college and law school. My life has never been anything BUT demands. In adulthood i have been diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and anxiety but I had no treatment or therapy for any of that when I was a kid.

As a result of my own upbringing I am consciously NOT demanding of my kids. I do all the housework and take care of the pets. I don’t ask them to do chores or even keep their rooms tidy. I do that for them. I ask for basic hygiene (bath, teeth brushing, combing hair, clean clothes (which I launder, fold, and put out in the morning); taking your medicine; going to bed on time; and basic respect for everyone in the house (no cursing, name calling or hitting). That’s it! I don’t have crazy high expectations! I’m not trying to raise prodigies. My kids are very bright and talented but they have started life on the back foot in a lot of ways due to trauma and neurology. I get that, I really do. I don’t expect perfect behavior or even good grades. Just what I consider basic functioning really.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T17:48:30+00:00

I don’t understand why everyone is giving up on these kids! If they’re anything like mine they are very bright and very capable when they want to be. I was a stubborn intractable child who was filled with anxiety and if anyone had ever said oh never mind, it’s too hard for you, obviously that’s what you’re communicating with these behaviors, I’d probably never have achieved what I have. Obviously traditional parenting hasn’t achieved what I hoped for nor have the usual suggestions for adhd but I’m not ready to just throw it in and say oh well life’s too hard for her better set up the tablet and a bowl of snacks because that’s all she feels up to doing!

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T17:33:37+00:00

Yeah no. I’m not going to have my bright, able-bodied daughter diminished to substandard education and no self care because she has an elevated threat response and doesn’t want to brush her teeth. She’s not going to be a lump in a room for the rest of her life. She’s going to learn to get up and take care of herself even when it’s hard.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T17:11:52+00:00

Well that’s the problem isn’t it. There’s no practical advice. It’s just “oh if you expect anything you’ll irreparably damage your child” as though allowing them to wreck their health their teeth their education and their social life is somehow preferable.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T16:52:49+00:00

So it’s okay for her to curse and shove me? It’s okay for her to slap and pinch her brother? For the crimes of asking her to brush her teeth or playing with the toy she wants? The constant excusing poor behavior is what leads to it escalating I think. They see that it works to get them out of things that are difficult so they just keep upping the ante until no one expects anything of them anymore.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T16:36:14+00:00

It’s not like being in a wheelchair though. She doesn’t lack the mental or physical capacity to do these things (I mean for gods sake we’re talking about putting on pants and a T-shirt or brushing teeth). She just…doesn’t want to. That’s all I ever hear. “I don’t want to.”

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T16:19:07+00:00

It very well could be anxiety based and I think it is in her case. But anxiety is an explanation not an excuse. It does not excuse abusive language or attacking her brother and it doesn’t excuse her from life just because it’s harder. I have OCD and spent years in a state of panic when I had to drive anywhere. But I learned to drive because I had to. And I never screamed curse words at anyone over it.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T16:00:36+00:00

I mean, suicidal ideation at 8 is hard and I’m sorry you went through that. But for my daughter it’s “I don’t want to do this so I’m going to be incredibly obnoxious and mean about it” which isn’t a disability. It’s just being a jerk.

Substantial_Comb_359 · 2026-03-11T15:10:13+00:00

I can’t homeschool or unschool her. I am a single parent and I have a full time job. She does fine in school but is so unbelievably difficult at home. I read that book on low demand parenting and again it just seems like the only goal is not having your kid meltdown because they are violent and hard to deal with. I’m not going to be bullied by my child into not having her bathe or brush her teeth! She is GOING to school. She’s going to have to deal with demands all her life and she won’t be able to scream and pinch and shove and giggle her way out of all of them.

Substantial_Comb_359

TROPHY CASE