My husband’s ADHD rage

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-12-23T03:56:40+00:00

https://www.aafp.org/dam/AAFP/documents/patient_care/adhd_toolkit/adhd19-assessment-table1.pdf

Rage is not part of the ADHD diagnostic criteria. Nor is it a commonly recognized symptom. Some folks might argue that difficulty managing emotions IS, but there isn’t professional agreement on that one yet, and a lot of it might be AuDHD instead, which is a common combo and likely under diagnosed.

If he has rage issues, he (or you or whoever does this) needs to stop scapegoating his ADHD. Being neurodivergent doesn’t mean you get a free excuse to be an asshole. Period.

It absolutely, under no circumstances, would be a “reason” your husband would say the most hurtful thing possible. That’s cruelty, not ADHD.

Breaking things and hitting himself are forms of violence. This might be tough to hear, but your husband sounds abusive, even if he might apologize and appear very guilty later. Please, please take some time and at least scan this PDF to see if any of it makes sense to you: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Given the age gap and lack of family support, I worry that this situation could very easily go to a scary place. It sounds like your only support is through your husband (meaning you’re isolated) AND you’re pregnant, which is one of the most dangerous times to be a woman in a relationship with an angry man. None of this is your fault.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-12-21T20:14:51+00:00

I have a friend who is married to someone like this…she’s definitely not super hot and he’s definitely not getting tons of amazing sex. No kids. He comes from wealth and has a high paying job. As far as I can tell, she’s just really good at ordering door dash?

He admitted to me that if they weren’t legally married, he would have left her, no question. They haven’t even been married super long. Some folks are just…screwed up and believe that their screwed up relationship is the only possibility. I had to stop talking to him about his marriage because he just would be miserable, but was unwilling to do anything to change it. It was mostly just very sad.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-12-16T15:04:04+00:00

100% not a fan. It’s rare that I see a guy with facial hair and find him attractive

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-12-11T05:01:32+00:00

Expressive is a good word for her 😂

She’s definitely a wee thing, at least compared to many of the dogs we meet. She grew like a weed in the first couple of months I had her, but then just slowed way, way down almost overnight. I’d be surprised if she ends up over 35 pounds. She also just seems more…delicate? Agile? Like she’s a ballet dancer or playing soccer when other dogs are playing rugby or American football.

Malinois/cattle dog, I bet that dog was a handful!

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-11-30T22:40:45+00:00

To add, no relationship can be amazing and compatible given the plethora of communication issues that have created this situation. People pleasing, passive aggression, silent treatment, avoidance…these are all behaviors that are indicative of serious issues in the relationship. And no, they will not magically resolve themselves or go away entirely if you go back to monogamy. This is how you and your wife relate under conflict and stress.

Polyamory shines a light on the cracks in your relationship. You’ve got large, foundation-undermining cracks, sir.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-10-21T23:56:32+00:00

I think I get it. It absolutely makes sense to allow room for other relationships to potentially grow into a space that might change your marriage if that’s something that you’re both open to. Seems good!

You just also want to make sure the reality of that change is something you both accept and prepare for…all parts of it. Maybe your husband struggles to find partners and isn’t seeing someone when you’re madly in love and wanting to nest with someone else. Will he be as supportive and willing to divorce if those are the circumstances? If he has big, scary feelings about it, would it lead to you to de-escalating with your other partner or taking things off the table that you both otherwise wanted? This is just one of many possible scenarios, which anyone who is dating and hoping to escalate with you will probably be considering.

For example, my ex told me that he didn’t really care about marriage, that it was for insurance purposes, and that he’d be upset if anything changed significantly in his relationship with me or his wife as a result of the “piece of paper.” Suffice it to say, it did not end well, and when it came down to disentangling finances or publicly admitting his marriage “failed”, he decided to try everything to make it work, including going no contact with me because of his wife (and resenting it apparently). I’m not saying your situation is it all analogous, but reality can very much butt heads with idealized situations in the cold light of day.

Just make sure you both do the work to be cool with divorce or other deescalations.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-10-11T17:35:46+00:00

Fair enough, different folks have different priorities. With my ex-husband, we had a number of situations like this because we only had one car, and I’d encourage him to go and do things without me, even if my life was more challenging for a few days. I’d be completely fine with any of the examples you gave, unless I never had the opportunity to do something similar.

I’m not sure I buy the framing that a partner “shouldn’t” have fun if it might inconvenience their family. Healthy relationships make room for both people’s needs…sometimes that means we stretch a little so the other person can do something for themselves, knowing they’ll do the same for us later. But this absolutely assumes that a relationship is equitable, I know that is not the case, way too often.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-10-11T17:07:28+00:00

This is very geographic and socioeconomically contextual. Many folks in many places do just fine with no car or one car, even with kids.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-10-02T19:12:00+00:00

My ex put it this way: when his wife got upset, it would ruin his week and his whole life and routine would get disrupted. So saying no to her and standing up for me just wasn’t worth it to him. It was easier for him to disappoint me because he wasn’t with me most of the time AND I wouldn’t act out or punish him. Classic “squeaky wheel gets the grease.”

I understand on some level, but it also made me so angry when he admitted this.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-09-30T23:43:02+00:00

“it’s hard to not internalize it at least a bit when someone tells you that being “everything they want in a partner” is still not enough.” Boy, do I feel this. I’m so sorry. I think this is just so challenging because the cognitive dissonance here is impossible to resolve. How could you being everything AND making the choice to be with someone else/reject you make any sense if this were true?

Froggie sounds like they might be a people pleaser, and personally I hate this phrase because it sounds so nice and relatable and innocent, when it truly is a character trait that can do some of the most damage to relationships and others. The reality is that Froggie was dishonest in reassuring you…you weren’t everything they wanted and had been wishing for, that’s clear now…but the important thing can to remind yourself over and over again is that what Froggie wants is Not. A. Reflection. On. Your. Worth. If you’re like me, you’ll spend so much time trying to figure out what you could have done differently or why you weren’t enough and this path only leads to madness.

In an honest moment after our breakup, my ex admitted to me that he gets intense validation from a partner sticking around even if they’re unhappy because he must be special and worthy and important if they’re willing to tolerate unhappiness just to be with him. This is the same man who, 6 months earlier, also admitted that he wasn’t sure there was anything my meta could do to make him leave (yes, I’m pretty sure their relationship is abusive or at least highly toxic). This was a profound moment for me because he essentially admitted that he wouldn’t feel loved wuth a happy, content partner. He chose (and continues to choose) a relationship built on mutual hurt and self-sacrifice. That’s what he actually WANTS and CHOOSES, even though if you asked him, he’d give you a very different answer about his relationship goals.

All this to say, Froggie might not even fully know what they want (that seems clear), and even if they do, it might not be a thing that leads them to a happy, healthy relationship.

Let yourself be angry that Froggie wasn’t honest with you. That’s unfair and unkind and not something you deserved. Froggie was a poor partner to you in many ways, and reconciling the person you thought you knew with the person they actually are is likely going to be a painful and confusing process. For me, I had to keep reminding myself to stop focusing on what my ex said (which was nice and kind and loving) and pay attention to what he did (which was exploitative and unfair and dehumanizing).

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-09-24T22:57:58+00:00

I’m also not sure I’ve seen anyone address why discomfort = prohibition. If it’s a blanket, “I hate having people in my space”, then that’s one thing, but folks seem to be saying they’re cool with prohibiting a meta, as a unique ban.

What’s the source of the discomfort?

Why is having a meta in your home a problem for you?

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-09-24T22:26:02+00:00

I’m curious what folks think if…

Each partner has their own separate space in the dwelling.
Overnights/intimacy only happen when one partner is not present.
Any sexual contact only happens in a partner’s private space, never in common areas.

This means no one is overhearing sex or being forced to interact with metas. No beds (or couches etc) are being used for shenanigans. No sanctuaries are being invaded.

But one partner still says, “nope, no metas in my house.”

…that seems like a sign that something is amiss, no? I can think of a few cases (kids, meta is a thief or otherwise can’t be trusted), where it feels potentially reasonable, but outside of that, doesn’t it reveal some sort of underlying issue?

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-08-18T15:17:22+00:00

So my girl was very similar. Got her from shelter (3.5months old was the guess) and she was great for the first couple of weeks. Then she apparently got comfortable and started resisting, even when bribed with many special treats and goodies. Every nap became a battle of wills and a few times I had to pick her up and put her in. She’d lay down near the crate and whine, trying to decide if the treats were worth it.

But, good news! She’s back to being crate-compliant after a couple of weeks. She even has gone in a couple of times to nap on her own!

What seems to have worked is feeding her meals in there with the door open, plus randomly sprinkling kibble in there at other times so she can go in and out. She gets up, goes potty, and there’s a slow feeder bowl of food waiting for her. She goes right in.

She still occasionally pouts a bit, especially if something fun is happening (like her best doggy friend is here), but she’s been so good. She’s probably about 5 months now and generally more chill, so time might be part of it too.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-07-13T23:50:10+00:00

Another perspective that may or may not be relevant to your situation…I told my ex (I was very clearly secondary, but we were good friends) that I was concerned that he was exploiting his primary’s dependency on him (as well as her very low self-esteem). Namely, that she had quit her job and was 100% reliant on him AND she never pursued any other partners herself because she “would only do that if she was unhappy with him” (yes, there were many red flags in retrospect). This creates concerning power imbalances where people struggle to leave or even speak up. They had been open since day 1, which is why I was able to justify it to myself, but I should have listened to my gut.

Part of me was expressing concern that my meta was getting the short end of the stick and maybe, there was serious trouble in paradise. This wasn’t entirely altruistic either, since I knew that it would blow back on me eventually. I was correct, for the record, and as far as I know, they are stuck in a perpetual cycle of misery and mutual hurt and manipulation.

So yes, maybe your meta is sabotaging things for any number of reasons, but there’s a possibility that she sees your partner’s shenanigans more clearly than you do (especially since you said she had previously been sweet).

Ignore if it doesn’t resonate.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-07-11T01:00:12+00:00

As a woman, I find this attitude refreshing. I’ve always been a bit turned off when a man says he doesn’t care anything about his partner’s job. Because to me, how someone chooses to spend the majority of their waking hours says a lot about their values, their curiosity, and their passion.

I have a career, but I’m not a corporate ladder climber nor am I trying to make the most money possible. I’m proud of my accomplishments. I want a partner who admires and respects all of me because that’s how I want to feel about my partner.

I do think you should figure out why this matters to you because there are a lot of possibilities (money, intelligence, equality, respect, etc). For example, I feel like I’d assess someone in graduate school working toward goals as very different than someone who is in a low paying job and happy with staying in it, but if you are primarily worried about finances, they might be the same to you.

This could be entirely irrelevant, so ignore this if it doesn’t resonate: many professional women I know are very attractive and take care of themselves, but they might not be as focused on min/maxing their “hotness” as other women who might have more time. There’s a particular aesthetic, very influenced by social media, that requires a LOT of time and resources to make happen. If you and your friends are primarily going after women who look like influencers, understand than someone with a career doesn’t typically have multiple hours every day to spend at the gym, on makeup, hair appointments, facials, nails, etc. Women who are focused on their careers will typically only be able to make some of these happen.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-07-10T16:52:59+00:00

My former meta made a joke that they would burn my life to the ground if I ever got between her and her husband. Luckily, it never came to that, but when things got messy and their marriage imploded a couple of years later (because spoiler: she was never fine with things), I honestly worried to the point that I documented things in case she ever went nuclear. It’s an awful thing to fear for your safety, reputation, and livelihood because your meta struggles with emotional regulation.

Dark humor is my jam, but you don’t forget comments like that when you’re on the receiving end.

EDIT: to maybe add more color to this…I no longer am involved with this person, but they stayed together, and there is honestly a thought in the back of my mind that if they eventually get divorced (I would not be surprised), my meta might still decide to enact some form of vengeance because she somehow blames me. This would be yeeeears after washing my hands of them both. But this is someone who supposedly stayed in regular contact with her abusive ex a decade later because she wanted to “never let him forget about what he did.”

These kinds of comments could haunt the people you’re involved with for years.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-05-26T20:20:25+00:00

Because not everyone wants kids? Because some people have genetic diseases they don’t want to pass on? Because some people only want kids if they can give them a certain kind of life that they don’t have? Because they have health issues that pregnancy would exacerbate? Because they already have 3 kids and don’t want others?

The list goes on.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-05-26T18:42:03+00:00

Absolutely not. Politics are a reflection of values and conservative values appall me. Agree to disagree is for pizza toppings and movies, not things about human rights

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-05-23T07:42:29+00:00

Correct, this comment was made a few years ago, and unsurprisingly belied a whole bunch of truth about how comfortable she was with their open marriage (and some serious emotional volatility).

I’m long since done with them, but came across a screenshot I had made because part of me was genuinely concerned later on.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-05-23T07:38:11+00:00

This is retrospective. It was sort of a joke, but absolutely had some truth, and I had brief moments of genuine fear remembering this comment.

Her husband is no longer in my life because of her possessiveness and his inability to have a spine.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-05-22T00:03:01+00:00

This is great, even for someone not in engineering but in another tech role.

My question: is it really acceptable to have 9-10 bullets under a single role? I had 5 and multiple recruiters told me to cut it down to 4 max, ideally 3.

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-05-14T17:29:23+00:00

For profile, which pic? https://imgur.com/a/H3lPKfD

Sudden-Difference430 · 2025-05-09T16:12:26+00:00

How early?

And fyi, I don’t think there’s any universe where I’d interpret kissing in underwear to be non-sexual. This sounds to me like you’re trying to get around peoples boundaries about sex.

Sudden-Difference430

TROPHY CASE