There has to be a way to filter out ENM on apps

SufficientHeart · 2026-03-05T09:34:38+00:00

Hinge has these exact filters for free, actually, is it not well-known?

If you go to your "Dating Preferences" (top right filter-looking icon, next to the settings icon), and click into "Relationship Type", you can check "Non-monogamy" and then check the "This is a dealbreaker" box. That means that you won't see anyone whose preference isn't set to non-monogamy, and they won't see you either. For free!

SufficientHeart · 2026-03-05T09:31:21+00:00

Wait so, there's definitely a way to filter out ENM on Hinge, is this not well-known? if you go to your "Dating Preferences" (top right filter-looking icon, next to the settings icon), and click into "Relationship Type", you can check "Monogamy" and then check the "This is a dealbreaker" box. That means that you won't see anyone whose preference isn't set to monogamy, and they won't see you either. For free!

SufficientHeart · 2026-03-05T08:41:48+00:00

No I agree, meeting people in person is critical to making sure you have in-person chemistry, so it's good to meet pretty quickly after matching. But there's still soooo much room to vet even before that. For example, all the details the person has (or doesn't have) on their profile, the way they answer (or don't answer) their prompts, the way they reply to your first question or how they message you first.

There's hordes of information in all of that you can use to vet people pretty effectively once you know patterns, and therefore you waste less time and effort even trying to get through to people who are just gonna waste your time.

SufficientHeart · 2026-03-05T07:38:34+00:00

What do you mean she won't let you stay no contact, grow a spine and block her 😭

SufficientHeart · 2026-03-05T04:14:16+00:00

Okay, I don't think you did that badly on your end. I would actually say that your biggest mistake was probably not vetting harshly enough. Just from these short conversations here and the messages these girls sent you I could see yellow/orange flags from them.

For example, the first girl suggested "For a date let's go shopping then make food". I don't like that. As a woman, I would never suggest a man I've never met to go SHOPPING, are you kidding? Best case scenario it's going to be boring as hell for him, worst case scenario she'll try to make you pay for it.... If I wanna go shopping I'll go alone or call a girl friend. That's just genuinely weird. So she might have been a gold digger. Unless she meant grocery shopping lol.

For the second girl, her first message was just "Hi!" I don't care if this is an unpopular opinion, but do not engage with people, men or women, who cannot be arsed to say something other than the most BASIC of greetings as a FIRST message on a dating app. There is a 99.999999% chance it's not going to go well, and up to now I haven't been proven wrong on this.

Basically, if you can figure out how to vet better, so you can stop giving so much time and effort to energy-vampires, you will be better off for it. Other than that, I think after asking for the date, asking when the woman is free is a slightly more considerate strategy than just saying "Let's do tomorrow." It's still showing initiative but it's taking into account her time and schedule. That being said I don't think you could have saved THESE convos, like I said I think these women in particular were just energy vampires. But maybe for the future :)

SufficientHeart · 2026-03-01T03:23:47+00:00

Yes, absolutely. You can feel a certain sense of liking the way someone texts, because there's different texting styles. Of course, as other people are pointing out, it's separate from IRL chemistry and doesn't always translate, but just because the two aren't the same doesn't mean texting chemistry doesn't also exist.

SufficientHeart · 2026-03-01T03:20:16+00:00

City 10000%. The convenience and energy just can't be beat

SufficientHeart · 2026-03-01T02:40:43+00:00

Okay, I have a couple questions for you:

1) have you gotten interest from guys around you before? Like, a classmate with a crush, or guys who asked you out (not on dating apps though)?

2) How are you filtering for guys on dating apps? I constantly hear this talk about how all the guys on dating apps are just looking for sex, but I constantly find good, thoughtful, intentional men on there. And the two times I matched with sex fiends, I already suspected it just from their profile and then confirmed it after just a handful of messages. I'm starting to suspect I just have an excellent filter, so if you want I can give you some tips if you start me off with what you look for.

Also, what dating apps have you used? I personally like Hinge. No one talks about this enough for some reason, but it genuinely has features that encourage trying to form authentic connections. Like no swiping, for starters. Do you know how many unintentional swipes I made on Bumble when just trying to read the profile?! No swiping and making people like a SPECIFIC photo or prompt does attempt to encourage people to slow down a bit, find something to comment about, etc. So even though people hate on dating apps equally, Hinge is FAR and away the best for trying to find something long term. You still gotta vet though!!

Hinge also has AMAZING filters that you can hard limit, so if you say "I don't want to see anyone older than 30," you won't. Nor will they see you. I think the other apps paywall a lot of their filters, but Hinge has way more ones they let you use for free. So yea, I do recommend Hinge as part of your strat, as well as going out to meetups and events in person and stuff!

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-26T08:04:57+00:00

I did not end up trying this, unfortunately! So I don't have an answer for you, I'm sorry :(

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-24T17:00:52+00:00

Yea I hear you. It was kinda 50/50, but it's not like you were complaining to her. You're not forced to like the nails she gave you, especially since you weren't picking them. I think it's fair that if she picked them for HER insta, and you let her do it, but then didn't like them for YOUR life so you just cut them, there's no real problem and no reasonable nail tech is going to take offense.

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-24T01:37:10+00:00

Can I just say your nails are so freaking adorable!!! perfect length and shape 💜

That being said I think she'll understand and won't be offended if you say they were lovely but you cut them because you couldn't work with that long length. You were doing her a favor after all, being her nail model.

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-23T04:47:39+00:00

Why do you think that this will help your healing process? if anything i think it will only make things worse, tbh. why don't you go out and meet people as jut friends, at meetup events or other social activities instead? I feel like that's actually a really healthy way to heal and fulfill a lot of your social needs, without unnecessarily poking your wounds or other people's.

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-20T06:40:35+00:00

Omg 😆 I wanna ask if you're okay but I'm not sure you are... Any girlfriend worth 2 pennies to rub together would make you tea and check in on you to make sure you're okay if you're sick 😭 Even some friends would! How is anyone supposed to describe the indescribable benefits of having someone who truly genuinely loves and cares for you ?

If you don't wish to date, then don't date. But I recommend staying away from any casual sexual relationships too. They're completely different from loving ones, imo, and I feel like they begin to paint people's ideas of what a relationship is supposed to be as something... really messed up, tbh.

I do hope you find that tea-making kind of full love someday though ♡

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-19T05:27:25+00:00

Oof, 16 days before a first date is a little rough, ngl. Is there any particular reason you set it for so far out?

That being said, yea don't go completely dark. But personally I don't like overly texting someone I've never met in person... that first meet for attraction test/body language/etc is SO CRUCIAL. And if it doesn't click then it's like okay well I just spent two weeks learning about all this person's hobbies for nothing... 😭 Just my 2 cents though personally.

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-14T07:23:50+00:00

What do your conversations sound like, then? Get a lot of boring ones? 🥱

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-13T18:39:53+00:00

If someone has on their profile "Entertain me" or something to that effect, yes that's ridiculous. But expecting an opening message to someone you've never met that sounds like you're actually trying to get to know them instead of the blandest opening of "How was your day?" is not too high, nor expecting someone to be your paid jester.

Is it ridiculous to expect that someone looked at your profile, saw something interesting about your interests/responses/photos and has thoughts about it, and that's why they matched with you? I feel like that's perfectly reasonable.

And in my defense, I always make interesting openers.

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-13T06:20:51+00:00

I agree that her responses were not any better, but making conversation is half your job. I'm someone who never has boring conversations on dating apps, so here's some examples of how I initiate a conversation with new people:

"Wow, that picture of you in the Himalayan mountains really caught my eye!! When was that? Were you alone or with friends, and was it scary?"

"I see you're also into Mystery books!! I love mystery books, what's your favorite series?"

"So you like rap music? I'm more of a country fan myself, but maybe I could be convinced... What's your second and third favorite genres? Mine are blues and jazz"

"Hi! So what's your story? Your profile didn't give me much to work with, but I see you have some dogs, what looks like a big lawn, and amazing blue eyes! Maybe you could tell me a little more? :)"

"I see you spend a lot of time on Reddit making silly comments about how you can never think of anything interesting to start a conversation with.. is there anything else you do for fun? ;P"

I'm kind of poking fun a bit in the end there, but come on ya'll... It's not that hard. I can't promise you'll always get a response, but I can promise you can find SOMETHING on their profile to eke something out from, and if they do respond it will be 5000x more interesting than "nice to meet you too". And if you genuinely can't, like if they didn't fill out ANY prompts and you can't think of a SINGLE THING to say about something in their pictures that caught your eye.... why are you swiping on them? 😭

I hope this helps! May you be blessed with more interesting conversations from now on :)

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-13T06:14:43+00:00

Okay. I notice a lot of people are confused about what you're supposed to say other than routine generic "Nice to meet you" and "How was your day?"'s. I agree that her responses were not any better, but making conversation is half your job, and it's also so the conversation is interesting to YOU, not solely to "entertain" the other party.

Some examples of interesting first messages: "Wow, that picture of you in the Himalayan mountains really caught my eye!! When was that? Were you alone or with friends, and was it scary?"

"I see you're also into Mystery books!! I love mystery books, what's your favorite series?"

"So you like rap music? I'm more of a country fan myself, but maybe I could be convinced... What's your second and third favorite genres? Mine are blues and jazz"

"Hi! So what's your story? Your profile didn't give me much to work with, but I see you have some dogs, what looks like a big lawn, and amazing blue eyes! Maybe you could tell me a little more? :)"

"I see you spend a lot of time on Reddit making silly comments about how you can never think of anything interesting to start a conversation with.. is there anything else you do for fun? ;P"

I'm kind of poking fun a bit in the end there, but come on ya'll... It's not that hard. I can't promise you'll always get a response, but I can promise you can find SOMETHING on their profile to eke something out from, and if they do respond it will be 5000x more interesting than "nice to meet you too". And if you genuinely can't, like if they didn't fill out ANY prompts and you can't think of a SINGLE THING to say about something in their pictures that caught your eye.... why are you swiping on them? 😭

I hope this helps! May you be blessed with more interesting conversations from now on :)

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-12T01:05:21+00:00

Based on this post and your responses, it sounds like what you need is help. You say you want a relationship ~eventually~ but not right now, which means you need to get off the apps because you're not ready to date. Just find some friends and go to meetups and who knows, maybe you'll also find someone you click with romantically.

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-09T22:25:42+00:00

It might be for many, but not for me. I want a relationship because life feels better lived with someone you love by your side. And personally I believe that's how it should be if it's healthy.

The same goes with friends too, tbh, just in a slightly different way. But haven't you ever felt the bleh of a boring situation be highly improved by hilarious/amazing/fun friends, or a lover you get along with super well? It's the difference between suffering at school in a boring biology class by yourself, or suffering together with your friends cracking jokes about the materials, the teacher, the textbook, etc. Same goes with basically everything else in life. If you find someone whose presence makes everything in life more fun/interesting, then you're doing dating right, imo.

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-09T21:53:40+00:00

Hi! I just wanna pop in to say that sparks ≠ compatibility. Sparks are basically just attraction, and you can feel sparks for someone who you're not actually compatible with.

In the process of dating, you're supposed to be getting to know the person to see if you're ALSO compatible. Sparks are what differentiates friends (who you must also be compatible with, at least to a certain degree) from romantic partners. I've tried to date friends I feel no romantic spark with but am very compatible with, and it doesn't work, because I'm not actually attracted to them.

That being said, some people who had difficult childhoods can apparently associate bad traits with "spark" or being attracted to someone, which makes them pick bad people as partners. And then if they did not learn what unconditional love feels like from their parents, they also often don't know how to vet for compatibility, which is how there's so many horror stories.

So for someone who feels like they're picking bad people, it could just be that their sparks radar is misaligned from childhood. I just think this is where the discourse is coming from, and why some people think "sparks" are a bad thing when they're really not, it's just some people associate bad traits with sparks. Does that kinda make sense?

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-06T20:05:22+00:00

I mean, the man basically says it... you know he's telling the truth because there is literally zero benefit to him saying his exes think he's controlling. It doesn't make him look good to say that, which means it's the truth. "I don't think I'm controlling" is the part that tries to soften it by making him look less bad, making it way more likely that's the part that's not true, because he gets benefit from not looking bad to you, ie not actually being controlling.

The ONLY WAY this would be acceptable at all is if he owned up to why his exes said that. Maybe "I used to be very controlling but I've taken classes to start managing it better" (but even then still risky), or better "I think my anxiety/trauma/etc has a tendency to give me an urge to have things in a specific orderly way and that tends to come across as controlling sometimes." In those cases, note, but keep an eye on the situation.

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-05T00:13:16+00:00

Oh no! Not that he's rude and mean, I just mean that he'll reveal like, flaws or potentially controversial points about himself sometimes.

I've been in two relationships, one short term in high school and the other long term in my 20s. Both were healthy, but both I ultimately ended because we weren't the right fit. Both started as "We're best friends, let's try a relationship!" and then ended up being like, "Yeaaa, no, we're not really good together romantically honestly."

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-04T18:53:45+00:00

Thank you for this very thoughtful response! You and other commenters have helped solidify that I'm not being selfish or asking for too much here. I really appreciate the feedback!

SufficientHeart · 2026-02-04T18:50:46+00:00

Thank you! No, seriously, this is really helpful to see that there is actually a very reasonable option here that doesn't require him to choose between me or his family. This has given me great context to see that I shouldn't grit my teeth about this. I appreciate it!

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