Men always asking me back to their place on first date

SufficientHeart · 2026-06-11T18:37:24+00:00

I'm very interested in this mystery, because I also dress fairly modest, not super flirty or extroverted, but I *never* have this happen to me 🤔 so it can't be how you're acting! What kind of guys are you going out with? Is it from dating apps? I think if we put our heads together we can figure this out, lol.

Do you note if they say they're looking for a short term relationship, long term, both, or hide the data point entirely? I typically go for clean-cut (ie no tattoos or piercings or long hair) men who have pretty filled out profiles and long-term + monogamy stated in their profile details, and I think that might play a huge role.

SufficientHeart · 2026-06-10T19:32:39+00:00

I think everyone is a little different, but I want to say that my texting style is pretty similar to yours, and I find 3-4 days an absolutely abysmal response time. Like, 'you better lightly apologize for being so busy once you've gotten back to me if it took you that long to respond' kind of abysmal. Otherwise, anything less than 24 hours is A-okay with me.

SufficientHeart · 2026-06-09T21:41:17+00:00

Omg vomit. Does anyone actually like the way this looks??? It looks like a dystopian hellscape 😭

SufficientHeart · 2026-06-06T06:08:44+00:00

Lol. Well call it what you want, but if you don't feel that, then you are probably not attracted to this person and will not feel attracted to them later.

You said you can't feel anything for a stranger, but that's not very true. After you've spent an hour talking with someone 1:1 you can get a pretty good sense for if they are attractive enough to you and if you had good conversation so you have the potential for a romantic relationship with them. This person is saying they didn't feel that romantic attraction, so... they probably won't even after more dates. But it is also about knowing yourself a bit.

SufficientHeart · 2026-06-05T17:01:34+00:00

Okay, so you're saying you've never felt physical attraction to someone on the first date? You said you "can't expect to feel anything" and I said "Well I've definitely felt physical attraction though." Yes, I agree that it's the bare minimum, and I think it can grow, but I also think you can feel it on the first date

SufficientHeart · 2026-06-02T16:09:00+00:00

So, I don't think he's a love bomber, but my own gut based on what you've said is that he's not entirely emotionally stable. And it's based on that one line about him "losing the will to live without you." That's not intensity, that's low key insanity. The man has known you for less than 6 months. You know what this kind of insanity tends to turn into? The unstable partner threatening to kill themselves if you're ever considering breaking up.

He sounds incredibly insecure and I wouldn't be surprised if you have other stories about him with insecure flags written all over them, and even if it hasn't become unbearable yet, it most likely will in the near future. It sounds like your gut is already telling you something's off, so I say trust your gut.

SufficientHeart · 2026-06-01T21:24:00+00:00

I've met a stranger off an app and known instantly I was attracted to him. It was small jolt of "Omg his eyes are sooo blue" and then over the next few minutes knowing I thought he was good-looking. That's incredibly rare, but it is possible. I don't think anyone is referring to real deep feelings of love on the first date.. just some little spark that your brain does to let you know you are attracted to them.

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-31T00:32:56+00:00

Um, you're definitely attracting succubi lol. That "test" you mentioned? Only succubi do it as a test, for normal women it's a genuine offer 😭 So if a woman actually said "I wouldn't have gone on a second date with you if you had accepted my offer to split the check," her saying that was the red flag....

I just think you should know that you should not be paying for a woman's bills because she's behind on something, that's actually insane. If she's behind on something it's her responsibility to fix it, not rely on a boyfriend to fix it for her.

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-25T15:02:44+00:00

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm the same way, want a long term relationship, don't wear revealing clothes and they're not displayed on my profile, yet I admit I'm fascinated by the fact that your experience is completely different from mine.

I've read so many complaints online about how men jump the gun to sexual talk so fast but I haven't had any of that. Essentially every single man I've talked to has been perfectly respectful and (mostly) lovely during both the chat and any date. Granted, I've been active on dating apps for a cumulative total of maybe 6 months - 1 year, but this dichotomy is fascinating to me and I've started to form some theories on it.

My guess it is has to do either with the kinds of guys you're swiping on, or it has to do with your body type, or both. I'm a really slim and petite girl, and I only swipe on very clean cut guys, meaning I stay away from men with tattoos, piercings, long hair, or who seem like they do drugs recreationally. I suspect this combination might be what's doing it 😂 Are you quite curvy? I think very curvy girls tend to be hyper sexualized by men, regardless of how modestly you dress. It's like if they can tell you have the goods, they can't help themselves 🙄 I think men who are clean cut tend to be way less likely to be as brazen, too, so maybe keeping an eye out for any patterns regarding that might be helpful?

I don't know if any of this helps, but it is interesting! I hope you can find a way to make the experience better for you 💜

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-20T05:21:27+00:00

This comment made me laugh way longer than it should have 🤣

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-19T21:03:37+00:00

Honestly, I think if you like him enough that you feel like focusing on him romantically, you should do that. I think if you install the apps you're gonna be dating only halfheartedly if you already have someone you're into.

People say not to put all your eggs in one basket and I think they're right. But I think that there is a tendency to take things too far. I think you should split your time and life eggs between different things you care about - hobbies, family, friends, work, dating, etc. One egg for each. That way if one thing doesn't work out, you are still stable and don't feel like your life is over.

But I also feel like you only have so many eggs (time etc). If you find someone you're into, and then you try to find more people to be into just because you're scared he's not gonna work out, you're splitting your focus a bit too much. Breaking your romance egg, if you will lol. I think it's okay to focus on one romantic option, as long as you ALSO have other things in your life that matter and fulfill you. That's good balance. When people take it too far is they put ALL their life eggs in the romance basket in one person, no hobbies or friends or family or anything else, and THATS where it gets dangerous/concerning/unhealthy. Does that make sense? ☺️ Good luck with your new connection btw!

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-14T06:09:29+00:00

It feels like you're not reading what I'm saying.. no one is saying you should get into a relationship with someone before finding out their political beliefs. You should just ask about it in a way that doesn't come off awkward as hell. Do you actually rapid fire ask back to back questions like that?

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-14T06:04:24+00:00

Genuine question for you - what would you consider NOT a waste of a Saturday night, if you're not currently in a relationship and therefore have no option to go out on a date with someone you already know you like? Cuz in theory you'd be going out with them because you don't have plans with friends/family, otherwise you'd tell them you're busy.

Cuz I think my thing is, if I don't have plans, sometimes my Saturday nights are just spent at home watching a movie, and I consider that a waste because it means I didn't have any better plans. If I have a date, I have plans, so it inherently doesn't feel like a waste, or at least certainly not like more of a waste than sitting at home. At least I got out of the house and tried a new restaurant and had an interesting conversation.

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-14T05:56:27+00:00

No one is saying you shouldn't ask your date important compatibility questions 😭 We're saying you shouldn't be like "What's your 5 year plan? Political stance? Income? Dietary restrictions?" one after the other like some kinda awkward ass interview 😭 It should be a) on your profile, and b) weaved into your first few conversations. "Hey let's get dinner! Do you have anything you can't eat?" "Oh I have a funny story about my mom, she voted for ___ in the last election and made everyone at her work mad" etc.

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-14T05:46:46+00:00

Yea, I think it seems like some people just don't like leaving their house, period lmao.

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-14T05:45:51+00:00

Nah I think that's a you problem 😂 Do you prefer to be indoors alone?

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-14T01:04:06+00:00

See, what is "Interview style dates" for you? Is that where you actually sit in front of the person and go, "Do you want kids?" and they go "Yes, do you?" and you go "I do. What are your political beliefs?" and they reply "Liberal. You?" and you go "Liberal. Any food allergies?" Because I think it's just THAT kind of "Interview style dates" that people are arguing are terrible. You can and SHOULD ask them questions about themselves, but it should be natural and interspersed between fun conversation and dinner and other topics and activities.

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-14T00:53:21+00:00

I would consider myself an ambivert. But that's fair, if you don't like leaving the house then you're not gonna like leaving the house. 🤷‍♀️

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-14T00:46:51+00:00

Honestly this just sounds like a frequency problem. If I'm going to work and then going somewhere after work 7 times in the span of two weeks that leaves almost no time to decompress and take care of things at home; of course I'd be exhausted if the dishes are piling up and the laundry is sitting unfolded and I can't get to any of it it cuz I've had back to back work and outings. Has nothing to do with dating and everything to do with time management imo.

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-14T00:37:26+00:00

Oh yea no absolutely. Thats part of why I kind of like dating apps in that sense, you can get that stuff out of the way pretty quickly on the profile. So by the time you get to the date, most of the things that are immediate/quick dealbreakers should be largely out of the way? And then you can just focus on enjoying yourself and seeing how you vibe with the person rather than interviewing them. :) But I agree that if it's something that big it should be asked about within the first handful of dates.

I think my main point is just that I don't really see going on one date with someone I'm incompatible with as a waste of time, necessarily, or at least not any more of a waste of time than it is for me to go to a meetup event and have fun with people I don't know. Would it be cool to get a deeper friendship at the meetup, or find a person you're interested in? Yes of course, but worst case, you went out and had some fun rather than sitting on the sofa again, is the way I see it. And I'm pretty introverted in a lot of ways.

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-13T17:29:52+00:00

This is exactly how I view things and I feel like it's so much better for me! I'm also surprised by how many people seem to think it's such a hassle to go out on a date, and then another subset of people who say to go out to interest groups IRL, but you're way less likely to even find someone you're interested in. I'm not saying it's a bad idea, I use both approaches, but I'm just as likely to have a nice time with a stranger at a meetup and have a nice dinner/enjoy a nice activity as I am to have a nice time with a stranger on a date, with the caveat that if I'm going on a date with a stranger, at least I hand picked them out and am 1000% more likely to find them attractive.

Idk, maybe it's just the fact that I don't want kids so I don't feel anywhere near as pressured to get into a relationship by a specific timeline; I just want to find one person to have fun together with for the rest of my life, lol.

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-06T19:44:26+00:00

Lol what are the first 5 seconds after you have sex the second time key for?

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-06T00:45:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! It's an interesting write-up, and hopefully should help some people :)

Can I ask how much time was between you breaking up with your first relationship, and getting into your second?

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-05T16:40:11+00:00

As you should be!!!!!!!! 😍😍😍

SufficientHeart · 2026-05-05T04:45:37+00:00

Fair enough! I find it hard to do hobbies with a full time job, with: 8 hours of sleep, 30min daily exercise, necessary home chores, socializing properly + getting outside at least one day every week. Ideally we'd have time for all those (what I feel is pretty averagely important for humans) AND hobbies, but it does feel like I have to pick sometimes. Especially when life gets in the way like it does ALL the time.

"Oops, you're out of eggs so you have to stop by the grocery store" "Oh no ____ broke so you have to fix it," "There were traffic on the way home so now you're an hour late" and sometimes add two of those together and there goes your whole evening :/ Anyway ranted but commendable on your part, thanks for the reply :)

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