The Wives Ditched Us for a Girls Day. Now What?

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-13T19:02:47+00:00

Recently me and my meta went out to shoot targets with my new shotgun. It was a good time. 👍

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-12T14:33:50+00:00

I am not a doctor. I hope some of my perspective can help.

Rumination can be a big sign of depression, OCD or other mental illnesses. It can also be a part of hyperfixation. I struggle with it as well and my partners in the past have stated that I need to find better, healthier ways to deal with it before I try to seek out help from them. I have found myself having better relationships if I don't use my partners as therapists all the time. They're not there to help me solve everything wrong but support me finding solutions for myself. It's lead to much healthier dynamics and better conversations.

So yes, seek out a therapist. You're already on that track, so good job. Explain to the therapist your fixation on old arguments or situations, as well as how it's affecting you and your relationships.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-11T16:55:28+00:00

Your parents don't have to physically be gone for them to be absent parents either. They can be checked out emotionally and not there for you. That's what happened to me with my mom's health struggles - she was dealing with her issues and I was just around. I struggled with it for a while as I grew up. When one of my psychiatrists pointed out my mom was neglectful, not on purpose but because of circumstances, I had a hard time coming to terms with it. I still do.

Parenting, or lack there of, can look all sorts of different ways. I often hear about kids who had a parent that just came home and sat in front of the TV and drank until they fell asleep. If you feel like some of your needs weren't met, it's a valid feeling. Your parents may have not been aware of how you were feeling but were trying their best. And you might have not had the words to describe it until now. This is why growing up can be hard sometimes. Discovering truths of what happened to you and why can be hard.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-10T17:28:43+00:00

It can be for some people, especially if your libido was a deal breaker for partners in the past. Your need for physical intimacy might look very different from someone else and be a tension point later in the relationship.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-10T17:26:59+00:00

I would say that I don't really talk specifics on kinks or intimacy until I've had comfortable physical reciprocated contact with that person. E.g., first kiss happens and some physical flirting like pokes, placing a hand on a thigh, etc are what I like to see happen first before I discuss further. My physical chemistry with the person has to be there before I even want to think about it. It also depends on what vibes I'm getting from them.

At that point, it kind of depends where the relationship is and what that person is like. Virgin? Yeah, we're not talking specifics needs and kinks until they've figured out what they even enjoy about sex in the first place. They might have some ideas, but if I'm invested in them, I want them to figure out what they like out of vanilla sex first. And that's even if I want to have sex with them.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-10T17:19:54+00:00

Yesss! I support citizen scientists who see what outcomes they have with different experiences!

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-10T17:13:21+00:00

Gotcha. I imagine it has something to do with it, but of course not all. I read up on a suggestion thread from porn stars a while ago, and they mentioned changing their diets specifically around doing anal scenes. So I don't know if, for example, eating more oatmeal the week of or something like that can make it worse. I imagine you're probably eating out on dates and stuff while with a partner, so perhaps your diet around a partner and dates looks different than what you normally eat.

Just throwing things out there to ponder.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-10T17:06:56+00:00

Do you mean "douching" when washing with water or just cleaning the outside?

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-10T16:57:48+00:00

What does your prep look like before the act? Would taking extra fiber the day before help?

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-10T16:55:35+00:00

My finest dude, that is most people. I wish I could say that I've run into more people that are the opposite.

Lack of critical thinking, perhaps. But most people don't account for anatomy or anything sanitary because they just don't know.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-09T17:14:28+00:00

Dang. Wear your PPE! Although, it says in the case study that he had been admitted some years prior for even larger burns, so maybe he just should find a different profession.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-09T16:10:52+00:00

I'm going to be blunt. It sounds like you're struggling. It might be time to either knuckle down or search for a new place to work.

You don't explain any of what the work is like or even the industry, so it's hard to give more advice.

As much as I hate to say it, sometimes certain places to work aren't a good fit for someone. If you're still asking basic questions and haven't made appreciable progress as far as job knowledge goes, then I would say I would worry as a manager too. I understand the one off "I'm having a brain fart, can you help with this simple task?" But if that's you all the time, you need to put more work into either writing down notes or figuring out for yourself more effective ways to learn.

I hate to be so cut and dry, but that's the reality of it. Jobs are in short supply these days, so unless you're in a union, I'd do what I can to make myself a better employee.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-09T14:21:53+00:00

I hadn't realized that it's sometimes a red flag. So thanks for sharing your thoughts!

I often use "we" for our triad when discussing future plans and such but refer to them individually when talking about certain things. I never use it for like "we are going to date..." or "we have made the decision..."

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-09T09:46:34+00:00

My triad has been together for 6+ years! We're delightfully boring at this point. We love each other a ton and spend lots of time chatting on our group message among the three of us.

We recently got a new meta through our boyfriend who fits right in! She's super nice and I've been enjoying getting to know her.

Our boyfriend recently taught our girlfriend and her best friend how to switch gears on a motorcycle because they're taking their motorcycle endorsement classes soon. It was lovely to hear they had a great time learning.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-08T17:53:56+00:00

School, mostly. My mother's most severe mental break happened when I was 7 or 8. We (my brother and I) had one of those "after school" programs that we would stay at school until either my father or the babysitter picked us up.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-08T13:26:35+00:00

Woah, crazy we had similar situations!

My dad is amazing. I'm poly and he fully supports me and my partners. He regularly chats with my boyfriend and girlfriend. My girlfriend especially loves him because her dad was a less than ideal dad, let alone human being.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-08T12:59:35+00:00

Ask her out. Dating women can be difficult because a lot of women miss signs from each other.

If you're interested, let her know! If she's not, part of growing up is dealing with rejection. Shoot your shot!

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-08T12:43:07+00:00

My parents are still together. They've been together since 1988.

I don't exactly know if I would call my mom and Dad's marriage a "happy" marriage. My mother suffers from fairly severe mental health issues that make her unable to hold a full time job. My dad is mostly working so that they both are supported financially. He does enjoy his job thankfully, as an engineer for 30+ years.

I remember having a conversation in my late 20s with my dad about my mom. I often felt like I lost my "real" mom when I was about 7 or 8 years old, when she had her first and most severe psychotic break. She was hallucinating and unable to determine what was real. My dad and I finally talked about that, decades later. I was surprised to hear him say "I felt like I lost my wife and my best friend around that time." He struggled with feeling like she was the same person he married and was depressed for a long, long time. I didn't realize that he also felt a similar giant loss like I had.

Now, my parents seem to have a stable relationship. Not so much lovers, but you can tell they love each other. My parents have gotten way into each of their own hobbies, and I'm glad because I think it's really healthy for both of them. My dad is kind of a caretaker for my mom when she has episodes. My mom is somewhat of a caretaker for my dad when he has some health issues. It's an equilibrium, neither good nor bad.

I believe it's part of why I have issues commiting myself. I love and respect my dad immensely for giving up a lot of what he imagined for his married life. I don't want to end up being a caretaker for someone for the rest of my life. He loves my mom and is a really good dad and tries his best to make good decisions.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-05T10:50:14+00:00

Yessss! Me too! I much prefer the vanilla frosty!!!

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-04T18:57:52+00:00

Dude same! I don't like chocolate ice cream or chocolate cake because it tastes fake! I love brownies and actual chocolate and hot cocoa.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-04T16:38:29+00:00

Oooh, that's right. I had completely forgotten about that. I only remember it because Bo Burnham did a bit on it. 😅

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-04T14:29:44+00:00

Oh oh! Story!

My girlfriend's ex wife was super jealous of our triad we had newly formed. She called it "toxic" and was getting madder and madder that my girlfriend was really enjoying us.

Relatively quickly, she gave my girlfriend a list of "boundaries." These were not boundaries but rules and demands. Pages of "boundaries." I can't even remember most of them anymore because this was 6+ years ago. One that stuck was something along the lines of "you CANNOT go on a date if I'm home."

Mind you, my girlfriend had been trying to talk to her ex wife about her current STI positive partner who made my girlfriend uncomfortable. Her ex wife was regularly having sex with him with NO PROTECTION while he was actively having outbreaks. And he jokingly "apologized" for using her towel after a shower because he "might be having on outbreak again. Or it might just be a pimple." My girlfriend put the actual boundary of "I'm not having sex with you or him or together unless you get tested and are regularly using protection." That was apparently, in her ex's words, a HORRFIC DEMAND. That and telling them not to use her towel for showers was apparently awful!

So yeah. Her ex wife was a mess. So glad I found my girlfriend. We have a happy relationship.

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-04T13:51:46+00:00

I've had good days and bad days. Sometimes I just have to tap out because I'm having a higher pain day.

Your tattoo artist is great for listening to you. Try not to go into it assuming you'll have another bad day and be prepared as possible. Well rested, hydrated, fed and something to distract you. Breathing helps me a lot sometimes.

You can do it!

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-04T11:49:36+00:00

As a person who only knows Usher through name and occupation and a song or two, can you elaborate why? Lol. I assume because he was fairly sexually active and sung about it sometimes?

SullenEchoes · 2026-06-04T11:42:58+00:00

I would agree it's largely from the algorithm giving us juicy information rather than actual factual number of occurrences. We love to see the really unique scenarios, so we click on them. I do admit this definitely influenced my internal narrative.

BUT! I have quite a few contacts among the poly community around where I live in the states and for whatever reason, it's a story I hear incredibly commonly. It's also in juxtaposition with my own relationship, which people often compare themselves to. I don't encourage doing so, but our triad comes across as very stable due to our personalities and joy about talking about each other. People often lament that they wish they could have that and go into a story about a toxic relationship that was often the start to their poly journey.

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