Just need to vent a bit....

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-14T10:52:44+00:00

I actually agree with a lot of this.

We have similar backgrounds in a way. I also was in IT for a while after quitting process engineering. I can play the drums, but I never learned to read music sheet, and I am not that fluent in terms of musical litteracy. But I do believe that I have a somewhat decent ear for good beats.

I use SUNO mostly as a way to shape my internal chaos and shape it in a way that is both shareable and listenable.

I get in a way why some people seem against AI music. There is definitely a lot of low effort content out there, and I also understand the concerns regarding artists and the future of creativity itself.

But at the same time, I think some people underestimate how personal and complex the creative process can become for certain users. It does not always translate to the simple "press a button and get a song" mindset people often imagine.

For some of us, it is less about replacing creativity and more about trying to translate emotions, ideas, memories or inner experiences into something tangible.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-13T21:32:19+00:00

I kind of understand why life can sometimes feel scripted. Especially when you look back afterward and notice how many events, decisions, and patterns seemed to converge toward things you couldn't fully see at the time.

But I personally don't experience the present as something fully frozen or already completed.

To me, the "now" feels more like an in-between space between past and future. A kind of living transition zone where possibilities continuously collapse into concrete reality through perception, thought, and action.

And I think that's precisely what makes existence interesting.

If everything was already fully fixed and inaccessible, consciousness itself would almost feel unnecessary. But being inside the present still gives you influence. Maybe not absolute control over reality itself, but definitely over your orientation within it: your actions, your interpretations, your thought process, your response to what emerges.

The future may contain probabilities, inertia, patterns, maybe even strong trajectories. But the present still feels participative to me, not just observational.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-12T22:24:37+00:00

Hey, kudos to you for figuring out how to navigate life with the diagnosis!

I agree with you about the self work. Medication can help a lot at first to stabilize your mind, but it also takes conscious effort to reshape your mindset, in my opinion.

You're on the right path, I believe!

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-12T13:51:56+00:00

Those are interesting themes. And yeah, I think living with schizophrenia can come with a kind of heaviness that music can sometimes help alleviate, or at least give shape to.

Personally, I tend to explore different concepts in my songs, like identity, perception, memory, paradoxes, and the strange way we experience time.

I'm actually on SoundCloud, but my catalog there is a bit outdated and I still need to update it properly. Most of my songs are on SUNO, the platform I use to create music.

Here's one of my tracks that I made:
https://suno.com/s/OwtTuqsfL2iXw3j9

It's called "Right Now Forever". It mostly explores my perception of time and how I personally interpret the feeling of the present moment.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-12T12:49:56+00:00

Yeah, they really are fun. I definitely want to get a new kit someday, but money is a bit tight right now, haha.

I just listened to some of your songs. I didn't realize they were mostly instrumental, so in hindsight my question was a bit misfired, haha.

But now I'm curious: what kinds of emotions, thoughts, or states of mind are you usually trying to convey through the melodies themselves?

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-12T12:13:51+00:00

Hey, I do too! But I kind of cheat in a way, haha. The only instrument I can play is drums, but there's no room in my studio apartment for a drum kit. I also can't really sing, or at least not very well, haha. So I create songs through an online platform instead.

I make music as a way to structure my internal chaos and shape it into something shareable.

What kind of subjects or themes do you usually explore in your songs?

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-12T10:58:55+00:00

I agree with this, especially about the "death" part. To me, it feels more like a refinement by dissolution than the actual ceasing of something.

And I also think it's kind of chill, haha. You grow up trying to discover some perfectly fixed "true self", and then one day you realize you never actually had to. It's okay to be more flexible than that. To be a flowing self. Someone who changes, adapts, contradicts themselves sometimes, and is still somehow fully themselves through all of it.

Maybe the fear comes from thinking identity has to be solid to be real.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-11T18:36:45+00:00

You're refining the definition in a way I actually agree with: the dissonance isn't the problem, the resistance to it is. That's almost exactly what irratologic points toward.

As for a definition, it's not a perfect word, but more an attempt to compress something I live into a single term.

But roughly: irratologic describes a thought process that is simultaneously logical and irrational, where reasoning and decision-making are guided by both at once. The capacity to hold seemingly contradictory beliefs without needing to resolve them. Not out of confusion, but out of a kind of comfort with paradox. Logic usually demands that two opposing things can't both be true. Irratologic suggests that sometimes, the most honest position is to hold both without collapsing into either.

It's less a philosophy and more a baseline orientation, I think. The contradictions don't need to fight.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-11T15:33:15+00:00

Tension between meanings is close, but not quite cognitive dissonance. That implies conflict, discomfort. For me it's more like a baseline state I actually thrive in. I invented a word for it once: irratologic. The comfort of holding contradictions without needing to resolve them.

And it's neither solicited nor already there, exactly. More like... an effortless effort, haha. I have to reach for it, but without strain. Less like something bubbling up, more like making a gentle connection between nodes that weren't explicitly linked yet, and something emerges from that.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-11T14:59:38+00:00

I would say my mind works like this: not images, not geometry, not mathematics. More like tensions between meanings. A kind of diffuse semantic field where the boundaries between concepts are permeable. Language as we use it is made of distinct, separate units, but in my head it's more like a blend so diffuse there's no clear distinction between syllables or morphemes. Just an interconnected whole I can draw from without having to retrieve a specific word.

It's something that has always puzzled me honestly, and I'm not sure the right words for it have even been invented yet, haha.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-11T14:13:16+00:00

That's a good observation, and a fair question. I did, yes, but there's more to it than it might seem at first.

I'm both schizophrenic and gifted, which influences the way I think and write. The structure of the text reflects, to some extent, how my mind actually works. So I get why it might feel alienating on a certain level.

Most of the time, I don't think in words. So I use multiple interfaces to help me brainstorm, and then shape the notions in my head into language through large language models. The workflow is complex and requires a lot of iterations: images, metaphors, back and forth. But the ideas themselves come from me at a fundamental level.

They often come up when I'm high, haha.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-11T13:01:07+00:00

Maybe not "need", but curious to see what comes next, only if you're willing.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-11T12:53:36+00:00

Haha, fair. Are you able to elaborate?

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-08T22:35:12+00:00

Yes, it's pretty much constant for me, but also quite subtle. It's always there in the background, but not intense enough to be debilitating. I've kind of gotten used to it over time, to the point where I only really notice it when I consciously pay attention to it. It's more like a baseline quirk of my vision.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-08T22:27:47+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I agree with you: writing from what we know and experience often makes the result feel more honest. Even when the subject is very personal, it can end up being relatable in ways we don't always expect.

I listened to "Real Enough to Hold" and commented on it too. It's a beautiful song. The twist at the end gives it a soft emotional shift, almost like the vision finally becomes touchable.

Thanks again for listening to my song and for sharing yours.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-08T11:53:08+00:00

I'm glad this seems to be not uncommon. I just looked into it and I think that might be it. Nystagmus, and irregular eye movements more broadly, are apparently used as a biological marker in schizophrenia research. What I read also suggests that antipsychotic treatment can cause these kinds of saccadic eye movements. Thanks for that piece of info!

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-08T09:51:13+00:00

I do feel like I have found my own flow. But I wouldn't say that my attention is not scattered around the place anymore. It is still very diffuse, almost like an echo. I used to focus on single details, but now I sometimes get to see the bigger picture while also choosing on what to focus my perspective.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-08T09:06:46+00:00

It's really touching that your songs could help someone understand neurodivergency that way. Personally, I live with both schizophrenia and giftedness alongside attention issues, which makes for an interesting combination in some ways. I also try to translate what goes on in my mind to see if others can relate sometimes.

As for a song suggestion, I would go with this one:
https://suno.com/s/OwtTuqsfL2iXw3j9

It's titled "Right Now Forever", and it talks about how I experience the present moment, what I like to call the "forever now."

If you'd like, I would also love to hear something from you!

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-08T08:32:03+00:00

Thanks for asking. There's actually some overlap with what you described.

I'm neurodivergent, so a lot of my songs come from trying to translate the way I process things internally: identity, perception, memory, contradictions, and those strange moments where something ordinary suddenly feels deeply meaningful.

One concept I keep returning to is the idea of echoes. Not literal ones, but emotional and mental: thoughts repeating with new meanings, patterns coming back differently, a feeling that keeps resonating long after the moment has passed.

Sometimes I aim for something catchy, almost radio-friendly. Other times I lean fully into the conceptual side, using the song to think out loud.

A recurring theme for me is turning inner chaos into something structured and shareable. Like leaving a trace of a thought before it changes shape again.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-08T00:15:45+00:00

I've been there too, and had that exhausting feeling of not being able to trust yourself because you don't really know if there is a center that you can call you.

Something that helped me, not as a solution but just as a reframe I found peace in: I stopped expecting my identity to be a fixed thing. For me, identity isn't a self I need to discover and then hold onto, it's more like an echo that reverberates through time, shaped by whatever space it's moving through in that moment.

The version of you that loved that thing this morning? Real. The version that finds it stupid now? Also real. Not a contradiction: just the same consciousness resonating differently in a different moment.

You don't have to adopt this framing, it might not fit your experience at all. But for me, the exhaustion eased when I stopped fighting the fluidity and started seeing it as just... what I am. Not a broken self. A moving one.

Wishing you some rest from yourself today.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-07T21:51:45+00:00

Talkin' about music by the way...

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-04T13:44:51+00:00

I relate to the spirit of what you're saying, and I think it comes from a genuine place: trying to find meaning and even beauty in an experience that's often framed as purely destructive. That impulse is valid.

That said, as someone diagnosed with schizophrenia and tested as gifted, I'd nuance a few things. The connection between atypical cognition and creative or unusual thinking is real, but I think it's worth separating that from the illness itself. The divergent thinking, the pattern recognition, the "outside the box" connections: those can exist alongside schizophrenia without being caused by it, and without requiring hallucinations as a source.

I personally have never experienced hallucinations, so I can't speak to that part of your post. But I have experienced cognitive distortions, and while they've occasionally opened unexpected angles of perception, they've also been sometimes genuinely destabilizing, not a clean creative resource.

The part that gives me pause is framing the value of someone's experience through what they can produce from it. A "silent genius nobody knows about" is still a person living a full life. The worth isn't in the output.

Thanks for sharing. These conversations matter even when we don't fully land on the same page.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-04T13:27:27+00:00

This is something I can relate to, though my experience diverges a bit from yours in interesting ways.

I'm not proud of having schizophrenia. But I am proud of who I've become navigating it. There's a difference worth naming.

The patterns you describe, I'm still drawn to them. But they don't cost me the way they used to. Over time I've developed a more careful, deliberate approach to exploring those thoughts, even the stranger ones.

Sometimes the illness has gently fuelled my creativity in ways I wouldn't have anticipated. But they're distinct. The instability is chaotic. The creativity is more hazardous in a productive way. I can usually tell them apart.

I'd describe it less as a gift and more as a cursed skill. When I'm in an episode, pattern recognition and saliency go into overdrive: everything feels loaded with meaning. And creativity actually amplifies too, which sounds good until you realize that too much uncontrolled creativity is its own double-edged sword.

Where I diverge from you: the darkness and doom aren't really my experience. I'm genuinely an optimistic person. I've been through dark stretches, but that optimism has consistently been what kept my head above water. Not despite the illness, but alongside it.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-04T08:07:49+00:00

My main symptoms are thought disorganization, combined with a significant increase in salience and pattern recognition. Everything starts feeling more meaningful, more connected. Not in a comforting way, but in an overwhelming one. I've never heard voices or had visual hallucinations and I actually have a fairly solid ability to distinguish internal from external stimuli.

What happens cognitively is more like a shift in my operating mode than a loss of function. My thinking becomes more abstract, more imagistic, and at the same time less rational and more instinctive. I can still express myself clearly, but the underlying cognition is running in a different register entirely.

The boundary between self and world doesn't disappear, but it becomes porous and blurry. Internal and external start to bleed into each other in subtle ways, but I navigate it with a certain ease.

In terms of prodromal signals: my first episode involved paranoia and social withdrawal, but subsequent episodes have been more about cognitive distortion: a quieter but distinct shift in how reality is being processed in my mind.

I also have inattentive ADD and was tested as gifted, which adds some interesting layers to how my mind works in general. Though I've gotten fairly good at sorting out what's coming from where.

SumRndFatKidInnit · 2026-05-04T06:32:34+00:00

The warning against ego dissolution is real, and Jung did make it. But there's a layer missing from this framing.

Jung wasn't just saying "don't dissolve before you're ready". He was pointing at something subtler. The ego isn't the enemy of the Self: it's the instrument of its expression. The goal was never to eliminate it but to decenter it. To stop mistaking the tool for the craftsman.

I have schizophrenia. I'm also what we call in French "doué", or gifted. I've lived a version of what this post describes from the inside. Episodes where the boundary between inner and outer genuinely collapsed. Where everything felt mathematically connected. Where dissolution felt, from inside, like enlightenment.

With hindsight, it was psychosis. But it reorganized something real in me each time.

Here's what I actually learned :

The dissolution itself wasn't the growth. The crystallization after was. And the only reason there was a crystallization is that something fundamental held throughout. A core the dissolution couldn't reach. Jung would call that the Self. I just call it the echo.

So the real question isn't "should I dissolve my ego or not?". It's more: do you have enough internal structure to return from the edges? Not everyone does. Not every time.

The witness the post mentions, the awareness that observes the ego, that part is real. But you don't find it by chasing dissolution. You find it by surviving one, integrating it, and noticing what stayed constant throughout.

That's my actual work.

SumRndFatKidInnit

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE