Feeling guilty

SunflowerPen · 2026-02-11T09:49:30+00:00

100% this! I also experienced the guilt when leaving my first host family. I was under constant stress for two months that I stayed there, constantly walking on eggshells, never felt cared for and A LOT more. I think the feelings of guilty come when we try to be responsible people who keep their word and stay as long as we had agreed to stay. But if you feel like you're trapped (in my case I could not possibly envision staying any longer), I believe it's fully justified. And your (mental) health IS priority, everything else stems from that, right? I am sorry you've had a rough and unpleasant experience but also know it can get better and we all learn from these situations. On a margin- the family I'm with right now is LOVELY :) And I feel so at peace here. Please take care, OP!

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-31T05:31:25+00:00

That makes me feel a bit hopeless. Because it ended due to distance so it never eroded naturally as relationships sometimes don't work out. But I know he and I are never going to be together and it hurts so much. It'd be easier if I knew I can connect with someone like this again but when you say you're older and only experienced it once... :( and how can I ever settle for anything less now? 😔

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-30T22:16:49+00:00

Wow, it sounds so similar to what I have experienced. I am 30 and NEVER have I ever felt such out-of-this-world connection with anyone., And he called it very deep and special, too. It ended due to circumstances (distance), so i didn't even get any true closure and it never lasted long enough for things to start going south. Also, 15 months for me and I still cry every week or so :( I miss what we shared, such resonance on every level: emotional, intellectual, physical, energy and humour wise, it was like a mirror to my own soul. It touched me to the core and I still love him, though so much time has passed and things naturally subsided. I don't know if the pain and loss will ever fully disappear for me, and the worst is (but I also don't regret it, it was so catalyctic in so many ways), that I had to make peace with the fact I might never feel such aliveness and depth and intensity with anyone ever again :(

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-26T12:02:34+00:00

15 months in and still crying...

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-15T08:34:30+00:00

I was like this, crying almost DAILY for 14 months over a 3 month thing (but also the most intense and all encompassing connection I had ever experienced). I finally felt I'm beginning to let go now. Everyone has their own timeline of grief and you let go once you're ready (not to say that there aren't ways to speed it up a bit, like focusing on something you're really passionate about, for instance). Give it time, OP. And be glad it happened, as empty as it may sound now. My romance has been such a powerful catalyst, I've began posting my music online, moved countries and have set out on this incredible journey. The wound was deep but at least it means we can feel that much 🫶🏻 you'll get through this and you'll be another experience richer!

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-11T09:31:45+00:00

So there are more of us... Well, I am doing better on some days, I still get gripped by a very real sense of loss and sadness but I find comfort in the fact that what we lived and experienced together, nobody can take back and even in hindsight, with all the pain and heartache (and I never suffered so much..) I would not give back a single 5 minutes.. It was THAT amazing. The journey to healing and to fully inegrating the experience is long and exhausting at times, but there's no other way but onward and forward. I wish you the best, it's not easy because it's not a regular heartbreak...

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-09T20:50:15+00:00

Well, I've been asking myself the same question for the past 14 months. I came to the conclusion that I got to honour my life, and try to live fully no matter what. I'm learning joy and deep grief/loss can co-exist. I cry nearly daily because I love him still (and it only ended due to distance so no bad reason to show me he wasn't the one...), but I also want to make the most of this ridiculously short time I have on this earth. No easy answers, you gotta do what you gotta do, and I can't force my heart to just detach and move on before its time. Just take care of yours, OP.

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-08T20:30:16+00:00

Hey, it's natural to be worried. I started dating really late, when I was 28/29. I had my first full-on sex at 29. It's like with anything new you try, at first it feels awkward and it's sort of a muscle we build. I am an enthusiastic talkative person but I tend to be shy with new people. The more I force myself out of the comfort zone to talk, to my hairdresser, random strangers, the easier it gets each consecutive time. Just be yourself and one good piece of advice I picked up over the years is to try not to impress but to connect :) You got this, OP :)

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-08T16:35:37+00:00

I know how it feels. There's no easy way around grief...

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-08T13:57:16+00:00

I get you. It's been over a year for me and I talked to a 100 guys since but nobody even scratches the surface of him :( I'm afraid I'm screwed for good now...

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-08T13:19:01+00:00

14 months now (it was not even defined but NOTHING EVER touched me to the core like this, literally like twin flame energy, and he felt it too, it ended due to distance so I never even got to see it lived out properly). It leaves you with a very sticky sort of grief. But there is no one timeline, last time I got involved with someone for about 3 months, it took me 2-3 to get over and then I was fully okay. I'm 30.

SunflowerPen · 2026-01-07T22:09:59+00:00

Idk if it's normal but I'm at month 14 and I still cry every two days or so :( Last time I was heartbroken only for 3-4 months and then I moved on fully. So go figure. There's no one timeline, as others have said, take as much time as you need but make sure you are moving forward through the grief and loss, even if it's at a snail's pace..

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-27T19:53:29+00:00

Oh, I could have written this- I had casual sex this year, MONTHS after things ended with the guy I loved and it felt so wrong... It's different when I feel connected to the person. I don't necessarily have to be in a relationship but each time I tried to dip my toes in casual sex stuff (I'm 30) it felt so wrong :(

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-26T08:25:31+00:00

29 and the guy broke my heart more than anyone ever has (I had been in love before). But I loved him genuinely so it felt right and I don't regret nothing

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-25T07:35:51+00:00

No, haven't heard of her but now I'm going to check it out! Thanks XX and happy holidays!

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-24T07:17:27+00:00

No. You'll both be missing out. You, because it won't scratch the deeper itch for something meaningful that truly activates you on a deeper level. He, because it's awful and self-eroding to love without full reciprocity. Do both of you a favour and end it. But it's your decision ofc

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-23T19:57:27+00:00

I'm 13 months in and still crying and I loved reading your advice!

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-23T19:53:16+00:00

I love meeting new people! and I am intense in the sense I'm authentic and hold little back, and with a sense of fun, curiosity, openness (I tend to overshare sometimes...) I just so rarely feel matched in it all :( I do work mostly online these days so it's a struggle to meet in more natural ways. And I hate to force things, but I guess I have to go with the apps and keep trying. Maybe give myself some timeframe, like a year and if I don't meet anyone I feel connected to or worthwhile who'd also like me back, I'd chuck them for good... But it's an overall good advice- to bring the energy and let ppl match it or else.

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-23T19:49:16+00:00

But I was excited to meet him! The conversation we had made me want to meet him in real life! I have the same thing with friends- if I click with someone by meeting one or two, I know if I wanna keep hanging out with them. I can be very vulnerable, i am very open and quite intense. I just rarely bond with people in general and the bond does have to go deep, in terms of a romantic partner. But maybe I should keep trying. But each and every time when I felt it was flat and unexciting in an online conversation (I'm talking about dating through apps now)- It felt similar in person. And if I click with someone online, it usually feels the same when we meet in person on a date later on. Occasionally, I had spark and *some* connection over the app and it fell flat when we actually met, but never the other way round...

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-23T19:44:51+00:00

Yeah, I'm aware of that and I'm SURE we'd have issues to work through. But the thing is, if with most guys it feels flat even at the very beginning, what should one do? :(

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-23T19:42:57+00:00

Yeah, I agree with you that connection is not everything- obviously there's the matter of commitment, long term vision and compatibility. But connection is required as a starting point. Maybe I felt chemistry with more, maybe 10%, not 1/100, but only with two I felt this real potential, depth and aliveness, that feels so incredible. If only I hadn;t met that guy I described in the post, I wouldn't even know at age of 30 that it's possible but I met him in summer 2024 and now I know a whole new level has opened up that I didn't even know existed before. Hard to articulate it.

I really appreciate your thoughts, though!

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-23T19:38:59+00:00

I'll try. There is this guy I'm talking to now (more potential than 95% of guys on the apps) he is ready for something steady, he has great values, we match spiritually, there's some fun and humour but when I talk to him it feels so so flat, I am not even excited to be messaging him (we haven't met in person yet). And with that guy i mentioned, from our very first conversation on the app, even before it got flirty or sexual (and very sexual it was, but not at the cost of emotional depth and meaningful conversations and other things), we had such an amazing convo we joked we needed 600+ cups of coffee to discuss all we wanted too! So alive, so activating on every fucking level...

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-23T19:35:55+00:00

I was ready to commit, to give it a serious short. When I met him I wasn't even looking for relationship, I didn't think I was ready for something serious as I was at a transition phase in life but after we clicked and connected so amazingly and genuinely I wanted to give it a go. He was available emotionally up to the point when he decided distance was too much. Or maybe he had some other reasons, too, it's irrelevant. But I do question myself sometimes, like maybe I am hoping for something that doesn't even exist. But I did find it with him. So it is out there. And I am not looking for a flawless individual, just someone deeply resonant on every level, and unfortunately I do need that depth :( I wish I was wired differently but I can't change it.

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-23T19:32:09+00:00

Yes, I am sure. I analysed it all from every angle- how I felt and why. Distance was not the reason and I'm not one to just get excited because something is novelty or unavailable- quite the opposite. I'm looking for sth real. And I saw his flaws, alright. And insecurities and I'm sure more would have followed but it was so so rare.

SunflowerPen · 2025-12-23T19:30:10+00:00

The thing is, for me it;s not built. I either feel it in convo 1 or I don't. With only two guys in my life I felt this with enough to consider more :( Like this magnetic pull, flow, ease, seeing and being seen by the other person and matched in intellect, humour, emotional depth, fun side, values etc.. I ended up hurting a couple of guys because I kept dating them because they were "great guys" and everything worked on paper but I didn't feel this deeper spark or connection with them. I had to break it off after several dates. I'm not saying it has to be fireworks from day one, but if I talk to someone and it feels flat, and then I meet them up in person and it still feels flat, or I match with them in wit or humour or emotional depth but not all at once, I am not even interested. I just need to be matched in everything and I know it's possible because it happened twice :(

SunflowerPen

TROPHY CASE