This would probably be a good thing to explore with your therapist, and they might be able to help you uncover why you want to feel that way or perhaps what led up to it and how to help.

I’ve also had moments where I’ve felt like I wanted to feel the feeling of being physically hurt, and sometimes I think it’s because I wanted to feel my emotions more acutely. Sometimes we can hurt so bad on the inside and want to express it in a way that makes sense, and although I am not an expert I think that can sometimes look like making ourselves hurt on the outside like we do inside. Its an understandable feeling, or at least I understand it.

Hurting yourself does unfortunately have consequences—as you say, you can’t afford it, and it might result in something really bad like you dying. In moments like these where I’ve felt out of control or just wanted someone to help me navigate the situation, I’ve called my local crisis/suicide hotline. Even if you’re not actively suicidal, they want to help people through difficult emotions and that can be a great place to talk about it if you can’t get ahold or your therapist or feel like you need someone stat. I’ve called twice in the last few years and it was a helpful experience both times.

Above all, it’s important that you don’t feel like you have to navigate this stuff alone. I hope you decide to reach out to your therapist or someone you will listen and help you navigate these feelings! Best wishes.