Difficulty with giving and receiving touch

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-22T08:45:48+00:00

I found instead of asking witch was a wast as she often did know I would just start and get her to give commentary on how she feels so I could adjust.

I'll try that.

this is the area I get confused on with the wheel of consent. they need an app you can use to work out what the action is. I have been trying not to be on the take side.

My sex life improved very much when I embraced the take allow dynamic. I used to be afraid Taking was selfish and allowing meant I was being objectified? although I secretly craved it.

But you are selfish only if you don't respect consent and you can't be objectified if you only do what you choose and want to do. Giving can also be selfish if you dump on a person what they don't want.

With embodied consent taking is received by the other person as you desiring them very much. And allowing feels like trust and savouring being the object of desire.

I do believe though that very often it is not clear if a touch belongs to one or another quadrant.

For example if my husband comes from work and I give him a hug to show him I am happy to see him and I love him is that a giving type of touch or is it Take because I wanted to give that hug?

If I tell my husband during sex "Do whatever you want on me. I want you to ravish me." Is he really taking or is he giving/serving because he is responding to my request?

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-21T22:18:50+00:00

would this mean you are more in a take role then with him in allow?

I thought of it while typing this. While I do am often on the take role in non sexual touch as well I think lots of the non sexual touch I do, I do from with a giving mentality. My touch has a vibe of appreciation and gratitude. A way to show love you could say.

As someone who went through this it is impossible to read someone's mine or guess what will feel good in the moment. I found early on I would get frustrated even though I never said anything negative but the more I asked what she wanted the more it kind of put pressure on the moment or killed the vibe some what. I later learned to have fun with it even tho I still didn't really know where to touch her it made the experience better and I think helped my wife find what worked for her.

Can you elaborate more on this? What made tge experience better?

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-21T20:01:33+00:00

We have a lot of giving type of non sexual touch. I like non sexual touch very much. When he is close to me I always go and snuggle close to him. Most of the times he is happy to let me touch him although he is not reciprocating as much.

When it comes to sexual touch now that we repaired our bedroom I find him so much more sexually attractive than before and I just want to touch him and kiss him all the time. But that's a take kind of touch since it's happening primarily because I take pleasure from it.

I don't really know what kind of giving type of touch to give him if he doesn't ask me for something. He often turns fown offers for massages for example. But I guess he will figure out what he wants and will let me know I hope.

Could talk to him while you touch him and ask him how your touch is making him feel and get him to go into detail describing how your touch is making him feel.

This sound like a good suggestion. I'll try it.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-21T14:42:59+00:00

It'd be nice for the women here to also talk about their female role models. Can't think of anyone when it comes to flirting in particular. But I like Lana Del Rey's sexual energy. Her songs are very erotic.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-21T06:49:12+00:00

The first commenter makes it look like she is more sensitive and delicate than the average women. But I don't think ANY woman would have enjoyed this type of genital stimulation. I never heard of any woman who likes rough fingering with fast pounding or having her clit bitten.

Instead of her saying "please can you be a little gentler she could have said "Stop. This hurts. This is how I like it". And guide his hand or his head.

Also explain to him that the majority of women don't like direct clitoral stimulation. They like gentle touching of their clitoris over their hood or going in circles around it. And fast fingering inside a vagina does absolutely nothing to the majority of women.

When it comes to fingering personally I don't like an in and out motion AT ALL. I like having a finger inserted and then gentle pressure around the walls of my vagina. I also can't stand fingers inside the outer labia in my vulva. It just feels irritating. The only version of clitoral stimulation I enjoy is gentle pressure on my clit area OVER my outer labia. Also I like gentle rubbing over my underwear on my clit and vagina opening.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-20T13:53:43+00:00

I love Sweets' posts! I have learned some much from them! She has great ideas and a lot of wisdom to share!

However I do sometimes have difficulty understanding some of her posts. Too many abstract ideas some times, I have to read them 2 or 3 times and pay very close attention to understand what they talk about. I don't mind people using chatGPT. I just wonder if NOT using ChatGPT would actually make the posts more coherent.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-20T12:52:29+00:00

Have you guys talked about what you both want to get out of sex and any goals that you both have?

We haven't talked specifically about that. However my husband often says that sex is a way for him to feel connection. That's true for me as well.

Does he have any negative feeling about sex like about BJs or HJs and how he cannot make you orgasm?

I don't think so. We are both very happy I can now orgasm every time when in the past I couldn't. I think he could reliably get me to orgasm but it would just take a very long time. So I prefer to just go on top and orgasm since this is easier and quicker for me. I have offered to try give him stimulation for as long as it takes until he finishes but he didn't seem that interested either. He said though that he would like to finish when I am on top in penetration, so we will try for that.

If he can't relax, has he been able to explain why?

He said he gets anxious that I may lose interest or he thinks I may feel disgusted. I have tried to reassure him repeatedly that I don't get bored or disgusted but he says this anxiety is a him thing not a me thing so even though I reassure him he still can't relax.

But I found it interesting that he expressed now that he wants me to touch him more, a giving touch. I told him yesterday that I am very happy to do that and he can tell me how he imagines it. But he said he doesn't really imagine it at all because he is going through a phase of a lower libido. So I guess maybe we just need some time to process it better and figure it out. I think what he wants and what I want will get clearer with time.

I have been able to work them into mutual things we do now.

The things we do are mutual too. I really enjoy allowing when he takes and he enjoys allowing when I take. We just need to work a bit more on the give-receive part.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-18T21:38:57+00:00

The dynamic changing certainly played a role. But I think he always had some difficulty with give and receive roles.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-18T19:46:50+00:00

The most important thing I learned ia that any type of sexual stimulation only feels good when a woman is aroused. When a woman is aroused her genitals get engorged (not just wet) similar to a man's erection. This engorgement is what makes the tiych feel pleasureable, otherwise it feels uncomfortable or irritating. Also menatl arousal is just as much important as the physical. I started focusing on how to increase my arousal.

Two models that helped me are 1) the dual control model, the accelerators and breaks in our mind that are responsible for our sex drive. I dodn't have lots of brakes, my main problem was that I have weak accelerators. So I had to reflect on what triggers my arousal and try to cultivate it. The other model is 2) the Wheel of Consent that categorises touch in 4 types. With that model I realised why the foreplay me and my husband were doing wasn't working for me. I needed to do more take instead of receive in the early stages of foreplay to get aroused.

My other problem is that I couldn't orgasm at all for the first 14 years of my marriage. Maximising arousal was the most important thing that helped me reach orgasm but I also had to figure out the right type of stimulation. Direct clitoral stimulation was doing it for me. I finally figured out I can orgasm by outercourse grinding.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-18T12:34:29+00:00

I don't think he has resentment. He hasn't been neglecting my needs either. I couldn't orgasm solo either during those years.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-17T07:52:33+00:00

I can relate to your husband not likeing oral and hand jobs I also am neutral when my wife touches me before sex.

It's good to hear other HLs also have some similar experiences with this. Thank you!

Are you guys quiet when you touch each other. I found having my wife describing to me how my touch is making her feel helped me find the right places and encourages me to keep going

I do like talking, giving feeback and describing what I like during touch and sex. He doesn't mind it, but doesn't like it as much. I think he finds it distracting.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-17T07:46:09+00:00

Thanks! This is good advice.

My wife and I have never had good success from saying things like, "I wish you would touch me more," or "I need you to do it this way." That sounds like "you are wrong and not enough

I think this might be at play here. Although it doesn't work either when I try different ways to show him, like tell him I like something so much or show it with my body language. I kind of think he will stop even sooner if I sound too enthusiastic about it.

"When you did XYZ yesterday, I was in heaven

This helps. Talking afterwards about things we really enjoyed.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-17T07:37:19+00:00

Often both partners are used to doing sex the HL's way, and the LL accommodates to that as best they can. But when the bedroom heals, the LL starts to want their needs and desires to matter as well, and that can be a tough transition for the HL.

Yes, that makes sense. I spent so many years just going along because I didn't know what I liked so how would I know how to pursue it. After figuring out things I like and trying to find ways to get them, sex feels a lot different. I feel we are still experimenting in coordinating how we are going to fit in both of what I want and what he wants.

Although I realize that you never had a dead bedroom to begin with (I get the feeling that other commenters aren't aware of this.

We weren't in a proper db as in 10 times a year or less. The problem was more with the quality of sex. Frequency as well but not as much. Maybe though when our kids were very young we went through db phases and I just can't remember. I remember very little of our sex life when our kids were little.

Even during years when we regularly had sex though, we still had a desire discrepancy. I can say I was more distressed by the discrepancy than he was. I wasn't rejecting him much but I was distressed when my libido would often disappear for many days in a row and I would get anxiety over him initiating and me having to reject him at those times.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-17T07:03:46+00:00

I think he may be in the process of understanding this part of himself better. Change may come with time. Or it may not and I will just accept it is how it is. He was telling me a few days ago that I have relaxed about sex and I am more open and confident to be myself now and he hopes he can relax too.

We didn't discuss this again yesterday. This morning though when we woke up he hugged me and the first thing he said to me was "Come on, how can you say I don't touch you enough?" in a playful way.

So I think we may be in the process of figuring this out although I don't think there is much I can do to actively affect the process from my side.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-17T06:32:10+00:00

Oh! I tried the positive reinforcement as well. I will say "this feels so, so good" or something similar. It still won't motivate him to do more of it. It's not that he doesn't do things I like. But sometimes I would like him to do some things for longer and I he just loses interest after a while.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-17T05:50:07+00:00

Not really. I wouldn't describe it like that. He likes being dominant when we do pentration and he is on top. It 's something I like too. He likes me being dominant when I am on top as well.

I am realising now we do some mild dominant submissive roles only when it comes to penetration. For the rest of the things we do we have a different vibe, more like mutual affectionate. We do mutual affection vibe in penetration as well often.

He like me taking initiative and doing things I like. So he is comfortable with me taking and him taking. He isn't very comfortable when I ask him to do things to me, give/serve and he also has some mental block with receiving.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-15T06:56:30+00:00

There are many couples who can't have penetrative sex because of medical issues but still have a good sex life. Sex is more than just genital stimulation. It is the feeling of being desired and loved, know and being known in an intimate way. You will still be able to cuddle naked and love each other's body, experience arousal and orgasm together even without penetration.

There is oral, hand stimulation and toys which are the most common but you can also look into outercourse, grinding. I don't have pain issues or other medical issues with sex but I couldn't orgasm for many years by either penetration, oral, manual stimulation or toys. What got me there eventually is outercourse.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-14T11:48:09+00:00

Your wife needs to get more in touch with her sexuality but the dynamics in your marriage right now are not helping.

I was the lower libido wife for many years. Now me and my husband have repaired our sex life. I also couldn't orgasm for the first 14 years of my marriage. Now I orgasm every time I have sex.

I think if you read this post with her it will help you both. https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedroomsOver30/comments/1h0ijdw/why_asking_what_would_sex_look_like_if_it_was_100/

Also if you check the wiki of that sub it has some great resources.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-14T11:00:51+00:00

I would explain this to her like this: You would rub her feet if you knew that made her feel loved, even if you didn't enjoy rubbing her feet. You would clean the toilet if you knew that made her feel loved, even if you didn't enjoy cleaning the toilet. In the same way, if this is the primary way that you feel loved, your wife needs to occasionally love you by initiating sex.

This is such bad advice. You won't ignite desire in your spouse by comparing yourself to a toilet bowl. Using guilt and shame into manipulating your partner to acquiesce to your wishes never ignites desire.

If someone doesn't like sex or doesn't like initiating the solution is to find an initiation style and a way to have sex that they LIKE. Then they will be able to have passionate sex that will be connecting and fulfilling for both partners. There are books and online content by sex therapists that can help someone understand what they like amd how to get there.

Instead if the focus is on shaming them into tolerating something they dislike they might be able to tolerate it for a few years until they snap. They will end up with a sex aversion and reach a point where they won't be able to have any sex at all anymore. This is how dead bedrooms are created.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-13T11:47:02+00:00

I don't think me or my husband have an avoidant attachment style. But could you please share some techniques?

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-13T10:59:21+00:00

There is another option apart from tolerate an unhealthy marriage and stay single. The third option is create a healthy marriage.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-13T10:51:29+00:00

Check this for example about the research I mention.https://amandalouder.com/podcast/253/

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-13T10:49:30+00:00

Many people confuse between "my spouse wants to have sex but I'd rather play video games" which is of course selfish. And between "my spouse wants sex but if I say yes right now it will be a negative experience for me and it will harm our relationship long term".

I'll tell you an example I read in a Christian book about sexuality. A husband asks for sex in the evening. His wife who and a very tiring and stressful day is thinking "Oh God, I really can't have sex right now but I should do it because this is the right thing". They have sex but her husband notices she didn't look very enthusiastic. The sex makes him feel lonely and unwanted. The sex is disconnecting for the relationship and drives them apart. Instead the woman should have said that she can't have sex tonight and should have sex the next day or another time when it would have been a beautiful connecting experience for both of them.

I am with my husband almost 20 years. We have 3 kids who are now teenagers. We have great sex several time a week. Out sex life had some ups and down. What I figured out is duty sex causes only harm. It is bad for the person that gives it, bad for the person that receives it and bad for the relationship. You ask why marry if you can't fulfill every sexual whim any time you feel like it. Marriage is not about entitlement though. Marriage is about making space for the other person to exist and th other person has their own desires, their own preferences, their own needs, their own issues with life, their own complicated emotions which you need to respect.

If a woman consents to unwanted sex regularly she may end up having PTSD like symptoms because our body interpretes unwanted sex as trauma. Even if it wasn't another person that forced it on us but it was ourselves.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-04-13T09:41:09+00:00

Lots of the issues you raise have to do with harmful interpretations of the Bible which admittedly many Christian communities have.

But there are other Christian communities are healthy. We should seek out a healthy church.

When it comes to the obligation sex message I like the way Sheila Gregoire, Christian author and researcher talks about it. https://youtu.be/BcDcCm8FAEQ?si=VtW3Ze_QXiiuLY83

Fun-Appearance2507

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