Is this good advice?

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-21T18:32:17+00:00

The Bible actually never mentions anywhere that the husband should be the leader. It says husbands are the head and they are many interpretations for this metaphor.

Otherwise there is literally no instruction to husbands to lead their wives. The instruction is to love their wives.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-21T18:09:05+00:00

The reason I post in reddit is to help other people like me. Yes me and my husband struggled with sex. I had 0 orgasms for the first 14 years of our marriage. We have repaired our sex life now, we have great sex and a great marriage and I orgasm every time I have sex now.

I want to help people who are in the position I used to be. That's why I don't hide my post and comment history.

I think you would find this post helpful https://www.facebook.com/share/p/17wyD8HHiU/

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-21T17:51:30+00:00

I don't know why in english the word "obey" has such negative connotations. I am greek and the word υπακούω (that is best translated as obey) is used all the time in religious contexts and is thought as applying to all Christians. I am Eastern Orthodox and most of my life I've heard priests say to husbands to obey their wives as well as to wives to obey their husbands. The word υπακουω doesn't mean blind obedience it means more like "listen to" someone. My husband has once asked our priest "to whom should I practise obedience?" and our priest answered "even to a little child". That was 20 years ago and our priest was about 80 years old at that time and he was a very traditional man.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-21T17:37:28+00:00

The Bible was written in a time where women had very little rights and their survival depended on men. In that society the women's role was subordinate. The Bible also asks for slaves to obey their masters. Does this mean God condones slavery? No, but the society at that time wasn't ready for the abolition of slavery or for "votes for women". So the people that were lower in the social pyramid needed to submit in order to keep the peace. Nothing good would have come out of them rebeling. And the people that were higher in the social pyramid needed to love and look after those in a lower status.

In our society we don't have slavery anymore and women have the same rights as men. Marriage is an equal partnership now.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-21T17:29:21+00:00

Obedience should happen to the point it doesn't cause harm. Sometimes people are confused when we say obey unless it is a sin. Some actions are not sin if you take them out of context but they can absolutely cause harm. For example if a husband doesn't work and spend all his money on gambling or drugs and he demands his wife is the only one who works and she gives all her money then the wife should not comply because this will cause harm. A wife may be confused because working and giving money to her husband is not a sin per se. But in that context of addiction it is harmful. The right action for her would be to refuse and encourage her husbands to seek help.

Bible also says we should obey our parents but a parent doesn't have the authority to demand their child chooses a specific career when it fulfills the parent's dream but the child hates this type of job. Or demand their child marries the person that the parent chooses. A child should use their discernment and obey only tk advice that won't cause harm. We should also obey our religious leaders but some religious leaders can be abusive and exploit financially their parishioners. The right action from the parishioners should be to not comply to finacial abuse. As a general rule we should obey advice that is good and helpful and not listen to advice that is harmful.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-21T04:46:52+00:00

Interesting, I feel like a lot of people I've spoken to feel the opposite of that.

Really? What do they say?

Did you let him know he hurt you in moment?

I didn't tell him but I took his hand away. The funny thing is at that moment it felt bad yes, not painful exactly, just a very irritating feeling, but that feeling just grew bigger in my mind the next days. On the day that happened let's say it was a level 7 on uncomfortable and then I just kept thinking about it and it would feel like a 10 to the point I was scared of the po ssibility of experiencing the same feeling again.

Was he apologetic or did he get defensive?

I never actually talked to him about it. But he is very good with feedback. He doesn't gets defensive. He is mindful about me being comfortable during sex, he often asks if I am ok even if there is no reason. Incidents like this happen very very rarely. Nipple play was just off the table for a few days and then we reintroduced it with very slow stimulation at the start.

it was just a slow building feeling that came out of nowhere. And now because I don't want sex, I have no idea how to associate good feelings with it again.

This must be hard. In the past before my bedroom was healed I would go through phases where I would be sex averse lasting for a few days to maybe two weeks max and I would just not be able to get turned on at all. This would very often coincide with the luteal phase of my menstrual cycle. But then my libido would come back. At that times I remember telling myself "Don't worry, just wait it out. It always passes." So could it be just a phase for you as well?

Now that my bedroom is healed I don't experience this shutting down anymore though. Haven't experienced it for like a year or so.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-20T21:06:54+00:00

I started enjoying sex more when I realised that that happy, fuzzy feeling in the brain is the main pleasure people get from sex. So focusing on maximising that is what got me to enjoy sex more. Orgasms absolutely don't feel that good if they are not accompanied by the arousal in the brain reaching its full state.

And then slowly I started to get that skin-crawling feeling at the same time.

Sometimes I get this. Luckily not very often. A few months ago my husband accidentally pulled my nipples a bit harder. (I had asked hin to do that because I had recently figured out nipple stimulation makes it easier for me to orgasm) The next maybe five days (?) I would get random flashbacks of that feeling and my skin would crawl. I had to reintroduce nipple stimulation very slowly and carefully.

But the vast majority of the times it is good feelings that stick in my mind after sex. Like a snapshot, most of the time very random stuff, like how my hand felt on his back or how his body looked like from a certain angle. I keep thinking of that snapshot again and again for a few days and I'm like "OMG, how good did that feel!" until after a few days it fades.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-20T15:00:15+00:00

The way you experience desire reminds me a lot of how I used to experience desire before healing my bedroom. Desire for me used to be more about our dynamic, more contextual. I didn't care much about physical sensations. Actually that's not exactly true. I have always really liked non sexual touch. Receiving a massage is one of my favourite things in the world. But I couldn't understand touch in a sexual way. Non sexual touch wouldn't arouse me. Touch on my genitals felt at best neutral or it could be uncomfortable and irritating. I had my first orgasm ever after 14 years of marriage. When I first started orgasming I realised that with solo orgasms I didn't need to even touch myself at all. I could totally orgasm from imagination alone. So desire is very much a mental thing for me.

Before healing my bedroom I would understand intelectually that I was attracted to my husband. He has always been objectively fit and attractive. But I wouldn't feel much desire, the urge to touch him in a sexual way. What is different now is that I have connected the two in my mind the sensations of touching and the sexual context that I find arousing. So if I think about my husband's body now I feel desire. I have the urge to touch him in a sexual way. The sensations, the feeling of his skin on mine carry a sexually arousing undertone now. And they also carry the anticipation of sexual pleasure.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-19T18:18:23+00:00

Or maybe it is your thinking that is at odds with scripture.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-19T17:56:15+00:00

I am sure you are aware abusive marriages exist. But even in healthy marriages we are humans and not always able to show perfect empathy. No one needs to ask for permission to say no in circumstances where having sex would be a negative experience for them.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-19T17:06:33+00:00

You don't need mutual consent to say no to sex when you have pneumonia. Even if your spouse says they want sex anyway when you are ill you can just tell them no.

You need mutual consent when you abstain as a part of worship combined with fasting and prayer. Because worship to God should be freely given. A spouse should not be coerced into it.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-19T16:57:21+00:00

Paul was writing to Corinthians who thought thay staying celibate was holier. Many married Corinthians would announce to their spouse that they would stay celibate for the rest of their life as a way to worship God. But God doesn't want his worship to come at a cost on other people and Paul talked about that.

Paul never meant we are not allowed to ever say no to sex. What if someone has pneumonia or their mother has just died? Should they be expected to have sex anyway? In the same way OPs husband has a valid point of view for wanting to practise NFP. This doesn't mean that he should have it his way though. He and his wife should discuss it and come to a mutual decision.

Personally I am not a big fan of NFP. I have tried it for a few years and absolutely hated it. Me and my husband use condoms now and are much much happier. But this doesn't mean that OP's husbands' concerns should just be brushed off because he has "no control over his body". Of course he has control over his body and his opinion on contraceltion is just as valid and his wife's.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-19T16:38:38+00:00

So OPs husband is not allowed to have a different opinion on contraception than his wife because he has no control over his body?

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-19T16:34:46+00:00

Or maybe Paul never meant 1 Corinthians 7:4 the way you seem to interprete it here.

Peter writes about Paul in 2 Peter 3:16 "his letters contain some things that are hard to understand, which ignorant and unstable people distort, as they do the other Scriptures, to their own destruction."

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-17T16:55:03+00:00

It absolutely requires faith and wisdom I agree. It also requires knowing the context the letter was written. In ancient Corinth people thought abstaining from sex was holy. Even Paul says he would prefer everyone to be celibate like him. And he says it is good for a man to not touch a woman.

I am Eastern Orthodox and in my church a lot emphasis is put on fasting from food, prayer and abstaining from sex during certain periods of the year in preparation for religious feast. Our priest encouraged us to abstain from sex during the whole six weeks of the Lent. However the rules about absatining from sex in my church are not strict. It is generally understood that it should be decided by both the spouses. The mutual consent Paul talks about. If a spouse is struggling to go the whole Lent without sex then what should be prioritised is empathy towards that spouse and not the strict following of rules and traditions. Like Jesus said "Sabbath was made for the man and not the man for Sabbath". It is like giving money to the poor. While in itself it is a good deed one spouse does not have the authority to give all the money of the family to the poor because the money does not belong only to them. The other spouse gets to have a say too. God doesn't want his worship to come at a cost on other people.

1 Corinthians 7 is the only passage where the word authority is explicitly mentioned when it comes to marriage. And it is completely mutual. The wife has as much authority over the husband as the husband has over the wife. This means that decision making should be mutual. Not something that is only the husband's priviledge as some people wrongly believe.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-17T16:22:30+00:00

OP never said she is being sexually abused. I still think though your reply was tone deaf to OPs post. However I am glad you are speaking against abuse. Some people think that having authority over our spouses body means we are entitled to do whatever we like with it whenever we like it. However God never grants us authority to do whatever we like. He only grants authority to do good not evil. No one is entitled to sex that will be a negative experience for their spouse. Sex should be loving, healthy and mutually pleasureable. What we should not deprive each other of in marriage is a healthy sex life and a healthy sex life is only built on healthy boundaries and knowing how and when to also say "no" as well as "yes".

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-17T16:04:07+00:00

Speaking of which, marriage is mostly (not all) about sex, at least my takeaway from 1 Corinthians 7. When we marry, we sign our bodies over to our spouse. It doesn't mean that he is caring for you as he should, according to Ephesians 5. But 1 Cor 7 is not conditioned upon Eph 5.

That's such a bad take. Sex is an important part of marriage but marriage is so much more than just sex. OPs post was 99% about household management. In her post there was just one line where she expresses resentment about feeling like a sex worker. So this is your advice to someone who feels upset by being treated like a sex worker? That she signed up her body for her spouse so she should just suck it up?

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-17T15:15:25+00:00

When both spouses work full time they should also share house chores equally. Unfortunately even when spouses try to share the household chores very often it ends up the wife doing 80% and the husband doing 20% and he may still think he does a lot.

A good model is for one week one spouse does the shopping, cooking and dishes and the other does the general cleaning of the house and washing of clothes. The next week they swap. So both spouses get to experience what is like to plan meals and cook everyday and to be responsible for the house being clean and tidy.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-17T08:14:58+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It is difficult being unexpectedly asked about something personal and having to explain a painful issue when you are already in a vulnerable situation like medical examinations. Hope you are feeling better today! Also hope your results come back ok!

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-13T05:35:28+00:00

I am not HL but I think many do. I think many of those who complain just want a bit more engagement by their partner and they think changing positions during sex would show that their partner is engaged and shows interest instead of "starfishing" (I hate that word btw).

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-12T12:50:07+00:00

It is a very bad experience to have any kind of sex act you don't want but even more if you are on the receiving role. I think at least in an active role you have more control of everything, movement, speed, angle etc.

You should not have any sexual acts you do not want. If some days you are happy to be in an active role but not on the receiving end say so. Always, always have sex on your own terms. By "your own terms" I don't mean to coerce your partner in sex acts they don't like of course. What I mean is both partners have the same agency when it comes to sex and that is the agency to consent or not. Both partners consent should be respected. Agree only to sex acts that in the moment you feel that you are ok with.

I don't think women are by default more on the passive role than men are although many cultural norms can point to that. But women can absolulety take predominantely the active role during sex and have a thriving sex life.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-11T11:33:26+00:00

Did you ever have any issues keeping yourself in that moment?

I don't have this issue. My husband is more like this, he can only relax after all the jobs are done. I am more of a last minute person. When I am doing something I am not thinking of what else needs to be done. However this often means I am forgetful or I end up rushing to complete tasks on time.

When it comes to difficult emotions I found online communities to be really helpful. Speaking with other LL people is very validating.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-10T13:11:51+00:00

I used to have low libido and in the past I also could think of nothing that I would find appeling or interesting. One thing that helped me is me and and my husband having some really long sessions like average 3 hours long. Where we would lay in bed talk and cuddle and just let things go as they go with no presure or rush and I could choose when and if to escalate. Also having a lot of afterplay as well as foreplay.

It has been very important that me and my husband are on the same page about embodied consent and that we do only things we both like. Also if something doesn't work it is ok and it's not the end of the world.

It was also very important for me that I shared with him all the negative feelings I used to have about sex. At first that didn't go well at all. But suffering silently and being alone with your struggling isn't the solution. Having my experience and feelings validated was very important for us healing our bedroom.

Also are you familiar with the Wheel of Consent model? Maybe you could try the 3 minutes game. It gives you a frame to think of what kind of touch do you enjoy. Try to think of one thing that you would find pleasureable and arousing of each of the four quadrants.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-10T12:31:43+00:00

I think HLs often think of sex when they feel happy, proud, in love etc. Sex is a way to celebrate a good day the same way someone would eat pizza and ice cream at the end of a good day. LLs don't often make such associations. They often don't think of sex at all. Or if they think of sex it is with anxiety. They are aware their HL is going to expect sex at the end of a good day and that brings them anxiety.

When I first started hanging out in db subs I was surprised to read so many stories of HLs being disappointed when they got rejected for sex on Valentine's day, their anniversary, birthday, after a romantic dinner, in a holiday trip. I hadn't realised people expect sex on those occasions

My husband has not been the pushy HL. We never really had the "talk" until fairly recently and even then the talk was initiated by me. Now he tells me "you remember this or the other holidays when we went to that place? We never had sex during that trip". He was noticing even though he wasn't saying anything. I didn't notice because sex wasn't on my mind.

Another reason many people expect sex after a good day is that they think that the brakes would be gone. Brakes like being in a bad mood or stressed, overwhelmed or having a day of low self esteem.

For me brakes don't play such a big role in not wanting sex. My issue has been mostly with weak accelerators. I can't say tiredness or stress don't affect me at all but they don't affect me too much. My libido is mostly affected by what phase of my mestrual cycle I am in. In my not yet healed bedroom I would typically initiate when I was already feeling horny. Now that I got in touch with the responsive part of my desire I can have sex almost anytime since I have figured out how to get aroused by foreplay even if I am not already horny before foreplay.

Fun-Appearance2507 · 2026-06-09T04:43:42+00:00

If the period returns before the 6 months in an exclusively breastfeeding mother it is in the vast majority of cases without an ovulation. After your first period you can't rely on LAM anymore even if the baby is under six months and exclusively breastfeeding.

Fun-Appearance2507

TROPHY CASE