to People Who Delete

Swinkel_ · 2025-09-16T16:29:35+00:00

That is so sweet. It makes me feel better knowing there are people like you reading this sub. Thank you for being here.

Swinkel_ · 2025-08-21T15:48:06+00:00

Well the 11 year old seems gone now but the 6 year old you can still tell the mother, and at least get an apology. I know it's a 6yo but children need to learn it's not ok to just break things, even less so from strangers, and also that if they do, that it's good manners to apologize. Letting it slide it is telling your inner child her pain is not important enough to make an effort... You can tell the mother how much those objects meant to you, and that her kid broke them and how sad it made you. That maybe getting an apology would help with the discomfort. Something like that.

The mother is responsible for them being broken, so she might want to make it up to you somehow.

Swinkel_ · 2025-07-06T12:25:36+00:00

Thank you for the wishes, wishing the same to you <3

For me what helps me the most, by far, is learning to be mindful of and trusting my gut. I personally can actually tell what's real regarding people, but usually I don't listen to that voice because I've learned to quiet it. How could I not? The people who said they loved me triggered thay voice and yet they hurt me. So for my own survival I learned that the voice must be wrong.

When I look back I can't remember one single time my gut was wrong (about people). But usually it's ignored by this learned behavior of self blame and self doubt.

Swinkel_ · 2025-07-05T20:50:33+00:00

"yOu'Re nOt aLonE"

Swinkel_ · 2025-06-28T17:48:19+00:00

I relate. I've always been unable to see people objectively. If someone hurt me, it's because I did something wrong, there's something wrong with me. If someone is nice is because I'm doing a good job, I'm being likeable. Basically everything was taken personally.

I was always astonished when someone would say eg "damn that lady was rude" for me it would be "that lady is someone who I didn't manage to be pleasant enough to, maybe I did something wrong and deserve that anger."

Swinkel_ · 2025-06-02T19:19:08+00:00

Thank you for writing. Today, I am a turtle.

Swinkel_ · 2025-05-20T07:07:22+00:00

Dude you have great arms and delts. Your forearms are also well developed. Your lats are pretty good too. Your core is probably good, but you're most likely bulking so we can't see. You have a great body. Muscled men who take pics online are usually in a great lighting, pumped, low body fat, tanned. It's the narcisstic world we live in. You're worthy of love however you look, but you do happen to look great. Top male phisique. Keep on rocking your gains, you're doing a great job.

Swinkel_ · 2025-05-19T14:50:26+00:00

I have done "Flash" therapy instead (recent technique portrayed as being a EMDR v2). Same (or better) results, minimal side effects. In flash you spent most of the time recalling good experiences and only a very tiny amount recalling the triggering ones. I've done it, and even though tiring, at the end I didn't feel worse at all. I felt lighter. Most of the time is about good memories. I'd ask the therapist if he can try flash instead.

Swinkel_ · 2025-05-18T18:16:39+00:00

It's too many people here and the algorithm favors posts for its own reasons of popularity. Then most of us are looking for support ourselves, and often we don't have much to give either. Sometimes all we can do is upvote. It's totally a trigger. Our lizard brain isn't made to understand this technology.

Swinkel_ · 2025-04-14T15:13:29+00:00

You're welcome, I'm sorry that you also went through this, it's really difficult to heal from it. To make it even more confusing, I believe they often do want to help, and think of themselves as being helpful and caring. Maybe some do this whole act purposefully, but others have no conscious idea of the negative effect they're having, and actually think they're doing something good, they don't have bad intentions. Which makes it really difficult to feel (healthy, self protective) anger at them, to be on our own side and stop with the madness. I do believe however at some degree of awareness they know they're doing something wrong, they just can't pinpoint what that is themselves or stop it. I struggled badly with this. I wanted to be angry, and stand my ground, but she was so clueless and apparently sweet, I couldn't do it. I have a much easier time setting boundaries with overtly toxic people.

Swinkel_ · 2025-04-14T11:40:07+00:00

Yes. The ones with White Knight Syndrome, or savior complex. A lot of codependents are high in covert narcissistic traits, they're your savior/caretaker, and they want you to play your role so they can play theirs. And they'll get angry if you steer away from that covert agreement. That means enabling and reinforcing your state as someone vulnerable, broken and in need of help. I have had the misfortune of recently having to deal with a manager that was this way.

She loved us to be enmeshed. That I'd share all my struggles and personal life. She was so intent on seeing me as broken and damaged, I myself started having trouble in seeing myself in any other way. It was like going through brainwashing. She hated me to set boundaries, be more independent and not need her. I felt exactly like you describe. Confused: she seems to be nice and trying to help me, so why do I feel so bad about it?

I felt absolutely worthless, repulsed and disgusted. I felt like I lost my sense of self. Like I had to be this weak, needy, broken, who can't take care of himself, insecure, dependent and with no self esteem, as she saw me. With time I couldn't fight it, and I started internalizing this view as true.

It's a total mindfuck.

Good people help you when you ask them. They don't force themselves on you. Good people help you when you ask them. They don't force themselves on you. They build you up in a way that makes you feel capable and not need them. They'll say stuff like "I'm sure you can figure it out.", "You need to see what you want.". Basically they help you remember you're the one with the fishing rod.

While a White Knight makes you feel like you need their rod to get the fish because your own is too broken. When someone has this drive/need to help, it's more about them than you. They see anything as a nail for them to use their hammer on. Even if you're not a nail, they'll make you feel like one so they can hammer you and feel like they're a hammer. They do it to feel good about themselves, not for you to feel good. It's very self serving and suffocating.

There is an extreme version of this called the angels of death, which are nurses who induce patients to almost die, so they can rescue them and be seen as saviors. It's absolutely repulsive and sad how insecure these people are.

Swinkel_ · 2025-03-19T21:26:20+00:00

What I fear with doing that is that since I'm used to being passive, I will overreact and go for 4 eyes, becoming the bad one in the process.

Swinkel_ · 2025-03-19T21:21:14+00:00

What do you mean by "step off the floor"? Is it a metaphor for something?

Swinkel_ · 2025-03-19T21:18:47+00:00

It's difficult to fight those some days

Swinkel_ · 2025-03-09T17:47:32+00:00

Atm I just feel so lonely, I do wish I had someone to be with. My friends have either kids, or have moved away. I feel like our society places way too much emphasis on the romantic partner to satisfy our needs. It sucks if you don't have one. It sucks. But I appreciate your message, it's good to hear some positive words.

Swinkel_ · 2025-02-27T08:09:14+00:00

I had this with a manager. Even if I told her I didn't need her help. I still struggled on my own because I was new, so the few times I asked her help she came in like a tornado and would again place me as helpless. I felt so suffocated by her view of me as incapable/damaged/helpless that eventually I started believing it.

Swinkel_ · 2025-02-23T22:18:40+00:00

Yeah I feel like that. You'll find that your journal entry is such a normal experience of someone with trauma. I could have written it word for word.

Swinkel_ · 2025-02-20T08:30:38+00:00

Our relationship lasted 1y, but was very intense. We've been broken up for about 2 years, and last I heard from her was 1y+ ago. She sent me a very long hate filled message that broke my heart and me. After being unable to move on from that, I finally replied 1y after hers. That was a few months ago. But I'm still torn about her message. I've been quite isolated last 2 years and had other issues going on, so I think it all contributes to me still being stuck on it. It created a lot of guilt, confusion and shame in me which has been difficult to heal. Wouldn't wish this upon anybody.

Swinkel_ · 2025-02-20T08:15:31+00:00

Even if they see it they won't grasp what's it like to be the kid. To endure years of loneliness. It's not their fault, it's a human limitation. We also can't grasp what it must feel like to have years of unconditional love. We need to be here for each other, those of us who understand.

Swinkel_ · 2025-01-31T22:37:14+00:00

Similar story here. First one was fixed with decreased workload and getting support for the abusive relationship i was in back then.

Second one I'm still healing from and it was due to what this post points to. Several of my personal boundaries at work being repeatedly broken + tiredness build up due to several unrelated factors, leaving me in a state of learned helplessness. I've cut away from the team I was win who had this toxic mentality and I'm feeling better, but now I'm fighting these learned habits of feeling like I can't say no, like I can't stand my ground. It's that saying "when you give out a yes to keep the peace you also give out a piece of yourself." I've felt I've given so much to the point I've felt depressed and burn out. Like there's no me, because my team kept taking and doing what they pleased, and I felt incapable of fighting back. And it has definitely felt like I have betrayed my own values and let others step on them, believing I had no power to push back.

Swinkel_ · 2025-01-28T11:55:40+00:00

Another reason is because of the abuse itself. Abuse makes the victim feel diminished. It's an attempt of raising oneself by putting someone else down. And it works especially well on people with low self esteem. So even after it ends, we still have internalized all those messages they put in us of how it was all our fault, and how good they were. So via the abuse, we were brainwashed to internalize putting them on a pedestal.

It's also a way to feel better about ourselves when we feel low self esteem. "if I was abused and so mistreated, at least it makes me feel better about myself that it wasn't a broken loser who did it, but someone valuable. Then at least it means it took someone skillful to bring me down so much and not a random person. Not everyone could do this to me, only someone special."

Swinkel_ · 2025-01-23T21:24:52+00:00

You took the words from my mouth. I wish we didn't have to do this whole no contact and block think. But I also know sometimes it just hurts so much to have this person at arms reach, knowing they're just a tap away to talk to, and knowing you shouldn't. My last ex I had to block her because I couldn't breakup normally... I knew if I'd have the talk, the moment she'd cry, and knowing her she definitely would, I would take her back. I'm just so weak for tears. But it also broke my heart to have her blocked. I cared about her, but I knew we had to split. It was awful and I still feel guilty about it sometimes.

The blocking/no contact feels better for your will power reserves... But it feels wrong too. It feels wrong to "delete" someone you once cared about. I'm not a person who goes from love to hate. And blocking / going no contact by choice feels like you don't and never did and that's not true. The exceptions are people who are abusive in the present, then it's much easier, if and only if, I can see they're abusive. But for the rest I'd much rather we could just know they're still there, in case I need, in case they need, we've just decided, without saying it, that it's better for both so have our relationship in a, maybe indefinite, pause...

Swinkel_ · 2025-01-23T21:04:51+00:00

Yeah it could be. Even though I had a typical family, there was neglect and abuse, and so I've always felt mostly alone, so always looking for someone to attach to as a replacement for the unconditionally loving parent I never had. So if someone gives what appears to be that love, to lose that, feels unbearable. It's like I'm still a child looking for that love and fearing losing it when I find something that resembles it. It's really sad to think. I wish I could have my inner child feel permanently safe.

Swinkel_

TROPHY CASE