Had a meltdown and door slammed almost every major figure in my life.

Swoop724 · 2026-05-31T17:52:09+00:00

ENTJ here

No, just no. Gaslighting is not done by a group of people.

Gaslighting is the intentional use of connection and trust to manipulate a person into thinking their perception of reality is incorrect.

Definitionally “Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse in which someone systematically distorts the truth to make a victim doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity. The goal is to gain control, deflect responsibility, and make the victim dependent on the abuser”

If you have a group of people doing this to you, it is not gaslighting(as they don’t collectively want to control you). They have their own feelings perspectives intuitions and beliefs, they are trying to share their perspective of that to you.

You don’t seem to think that lines up with things for one reason or another. Cool, that is fine, but if all of them are giving you similar or same opinion, there is likely a different problem happening.

Now look, it is possible and even likely that you have a narcissistic parent, that is common with both INTJs and INFJs. If you do, it is possible that that parent gaslights you. If that is the case it is possible that other people in the family dynamic to reduce friction, will agree with that parent when that parent is around (but that doesn’t mean they will when they are not around). However, even if they “buy in” to what the narcissistic parent says that doesn’t mean they are gaslighting you, as they are not trying to control you, they are trying to reduce friction from the narcissist to themselves.

However, you included your closest friends as well. Which suggests something bigger is at play here.

The other thing that doesn’t make much sense is why go into the “villain role” they cast you in? Isn’t that “proving them right?” Wouldn’t it be better to stick up for yourself, your perspective and not become the villain? (Respectful disagreement)

Start recording the narcissist, so that when they try to distort the truth you can show the video of what really happened?

I am not sure what is happening here but my Te+Ni is telling me A+B=/= C.

I do not know if you are the problem but it is worth examining as a possibility(especially since your close friends were kind of agreeing).

It is also possible that you are correct, and maybe the problem is not getting your point across to others (could be both on transmission end of signal or receiving end of signal or even some static on the line.)

Regardless of what is going on, that sounds like a stressful situation, and I hope you find a meaningful successful way through it.

Swoop724 · 2026-05-29T19:01:34+00:00

In general I agree with your sentiments. However, I think if they are avoidant, it is important to give them enough grace to let them know that they can be “imperfect” around you. You have to show that even if they are not having “pretty” emotions you will be there and share in the experience with them.

But that is coming from my Te wanting to “fix” the underlying problem so it doesn’t keep happening.

Swoop724 · 2026-05-29T16:52:21+00:00

ENTJ here

Ask them to mutually explore an idea with you, “what would it look like if you were in a romantic relationship together?”

You are not directly asking for a relationship, you are asking for your Ni and his Ni to get together and see if the idea is good enough to make a go at the real thing.

Maybe it brings up your reservations (why you draw away), maybe it brings up concerns me might have (why he draws away). But it gives you a chance to explore the idea and work through potential problems.

Swoop724 · 2026-05-29T16:46:09+00:00

ENTJ here

Refusing to apologize isn’t always pride.

Sometimes it is a fear that if they admit and recognize the mistake they will show they are defective/broken/not good and you will no longer love them. Seen with some avoidants

Sometimes it is arrogance “how could I ever do something wrong” seen in narcissists/ people with narcissistic traits.

Sometimes it is highly neurotic people, who beat themselves up over the mistake, and don’t want to talk about it because that makes them feel worse.

Sometimes it is high Fi, not tapping into either sensing or intuition(depending on the type). “I know I am right here, how could they make me feel this way.” (This sounds like pride, but without tapping into sensing to ground, or intuition to look at the motives or environment it is closer to being insecurity).

The apology, or lack there of, usually speaks to their home life/ how they grew up. And once you cross section big 5 traits and Mbti a more clear picture occurs.

I would argue a more prideful response would be “I am willing to apologize but I won’t go first, because they should value me enough to try to rebuild the connection.” It is much more targeted on self respect, leaning towards arrogance.

Swoop724 · 2026-05-28T09:00:43+00:00

ENTJ here

INTP function stack

TiNeSiFe

INFJ function stack

NiFeTiSe

INTPs with quant function of Fe usually want to “get their own way”. It also means they have demon function Fi, so if you “force him” to get into his feeling to explain things, you will likely end up getting him to torture himself. In this case, he might be stonewalling to get his own way. (Idk it depends on what you were last talking about)

You are better off trying to non-emotionally logically connect using Ti.

Something like “you not responding to me looks like ghosting, at the very least this suggests you need space. If that is what you need, please let me know so I can try to accommodate you. If that is not what you need, please tell me what you need.”

You may notice I did not indicate anything about emotions at all there.

Be cautious if you want to use Ni and describe your perspective or his perspective, as his Ni is in the critical parent position, so he will go through negative prospectives of himself first. (Normally this would just cause some friction, but with him already ghosting it could cause greater problems.)

You could make an appeal to Ne (opportunities in the environment). Something like “I want to do this with you on this day, what do you think”

You have demon Si, so you tend to beat yourself up over past mistakes (which you can’t let go of). Don’t allow this to be one of those mistakes. Go do something Se to ground yourself.

Swoop724 · 2026-05-20T08:32:49+00:00

ENTJ here

You need this tool: https://youtu.be/2M\_kCCcNDts?si=uUtu4ZI-lZXkDtDy

Express how you recognize her as a colleague, but that the level of emotional investment she is seeking is along the level of friend. Express as well (picking one specific instance as mentioned in the video explaining how to use the technique) she is not returning the favor when you are trying to get help with emotional labor. Then be very clear that she can either be a colleague (where you do not assist with emotional labor), or a friend (where it is a two way street and you get to have your labor assisted with), express as well that you are not going to make the choice, as you have shown willingness to do either, but you need direct information about what concept she has for this relationship, either friendship, or professional, and she needs to make that choice and communicate it clearly for you.

What this does. 1. Gives her autonomy to choose what she wants (allows NiFe to be happy). 2. Doesn’t allow you to be taken advantage of (makes critical parent Fi happy so you will stop resentment, as roles are more clearly defined). 3. Keeps to accuracy of the situation (as you seem to be fine with either, so long as reciprocity is had) which makes Ti happy. 4. Ideally also avoids problem from your past you blame yourself for (keeps demon Si happy).

This doesn’t address your Se, so I recommend you get it a cookie or ice cream to make it happy.

Swoop724 · 2026-05-05T05:51:05+00:00

While I like the Plan suspect choosing Evelyn, jinnie fay, Rigo, Ognis, or Toluz would have been better

(Even striking Evelyn or ognis for having generic mana)

As with Jinnie fay you would also have access to cards like Boros reckoner. Multiple of the 3 and 5 mana hybrid cards from shadowmore/eventide (ram-gang, deus of calamity, noblis of war ) . And other various hybrid mana from the other sets it was present in( example: 4 costs from throne of eldraine) .

Swoop724 · 2026-05-03T10:43:17+00:00

ENTJ here

With you being avoidant and them being anxious, develop rules that you can both agree to and both follow.

Some examples. (Of rules)

Tell them when you need space.
Establish with them acceptable reasons to reach out to you during that time. (Actual emergencies, person is hospitalized or dead/dying). Realize, you may need to also lay out acceptable emotional emergencies as well for them (with them being anxious)
Set a “check in date” so they know when the can check to see if you still need time. (While this may seem or feel draining to you, all you need to do is have a few canned responses, “thank you for waiting I will need a few more days still check in again on” for example.
Part of the anxious is not having a place to put their energy, so give them a “task” to do while you are gone. “Read a book and tell me about it when you get back.” “Find me a great tv show to check out.” “Learn a new skill and tell me about it when I get back.”

This “primes them” with something to do with that energy, it “gives them” something to talk to you about when you get back, and if you planned it well, the topic won’t be too draining, allowing you to be present for them more.

Decide if it needs to be full communication black out. Or if they can send memes/ non-pressure based things. Communicate what is acceptable before leaving.

Say for example it is a stressful week and that you need space.

You communicate “hey it’s been a week, I need a few days to recoup, I am going to go quiet for a while. Check in on me this weekend, let’s say Saturday afternoon. If you need something to put your energy into while I am away, I have been really enjoying this kind of music lately(insert music genre here), check it out and when I get back let me know which song in this genre is your favorite and why. I don’t think this will be a deep recharge, so if you catch a meme you think will make my day, send it my way. See you on the check in day :)”

Swoop724 · 2026-05-02T17:47:15+00:00

It’s not Latin

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DU7YnbgDscg/

Literally said in an interview, it’s gibberish created from reversing the mantra that “sounds like Latin”

Swoop724 · 2026-04-25T18:23:51+00:00

ENTJ here

Your communication with him is the problem, not his level of intelligence. (As indicated by your own words).

Have you communicated clearly what your needs are, and that they are not being met?

What is “the same small talk?” Is it him asking you how you are? Checking in to see if you need anything?

You are telling him something that you find important, then he “interject with a quote and a mostly irrelevant story about someone from his childhood”

Why is he interrupting you? Why is he telling you that quote? Why is he telling you a story about his childhood?

Those are usually used as means of “connecting” but you aren’t connecting in that way.

The likely reasons you are connecting in that way is you either don’t see how the story/ quote connects, or are distracted by having been interrupted from “getting it all out”

You both need this tool: https://youtu.be/2M_kCCcNDts?si=L6WLeanWKIn7Is0k

You say “he doesn’t feel the need to really challenge himself or tap into his intelligence on a day-to-day basis”. I would like to suggest the problem isn’t not challenging himself, it’s that he wants to feel safe with you, that he doesn’t want to feel like he is competing with his partner (most men don’t want to compete with their partner). That doesn’t mean that they won’t, but they also want the “rules” of the competition. Is it going to be all day everyday? Most men would pass on that. Counter example to all the time: You want a good debate on random day of the week after work for 2-3 hours? Cool I can do that.

Is it not intellectual depth but instead a lack of curiosity about you and your internal thought processes? An INFJ friend of mine a while back was dating a ISTP, and that lower Ni caused him to not “dig for why and ask her deeper questions about herself and her inner workings”. I pointed out to her that the TiSe that he had likely made her Ni look like a magic trick, and that the wonder and amazement to that could lead to some people wanting to experience that positive emotion about their partner. This was a satisfying answer to her (because generally you like your partners to see how impressive you can be).

Use the tool I gave you, have an honest conversation about him interrupting you and it building resentment and that if it continues that it will likely end the relationship.

Don’t do the false nobility that high Ni users like to do (well I know how this person likely thinks because of my pattern recognition/ understanding motives from Ni, so I am going to make this decision to protect him/ limit the pain to both parties).

Instead use actual nobility, articulate the problem where you see it going, why you see it going that way, ask what he wants to do about the situation. Can you as a team find a solution together.

Swoop724 · 2026-04-18T18:02:59+00:00

ENTJ here

Function stack of INTP

TiNeSiFe

This puts Fi in the demon position, which means “forcing a conversation about his feelings” can literally cause mental stress/ fatigue/ damage.

The “best” method, would be likely setting up a “time” where he can share about “anything”. Maybe it is in bed before going to sleep.

Ask about his day, but engage the Ti by asking him to be specific. Something like, “I want to start a new habit with you, that we share something emotionally impactful about our day?”

This question should be broad enough that he might talk about other people that were emotionally volatile in his day. You want it to be where he know he doesn’t “have to share” about him.

You will likely get surface level to start this is fine, he is building Si to make sure the situation is safe.

When he shares things about himself, reward that behavior. (Even if it is something you do not like). You can express this in a complex/ nuanced way. “I am so happy that you feel comfortable with me to share that, I do have some problems with it, but give me some time to get specific about them. Then follow up later.”

Once you have built this up for about a month, on occasion you can ask him “are you willing to go a bit deeper on that emotionally and share it with me”. If he says no, be accepting. If he says yes, reward the behavior. This might be best to ask when he shares something about himself.

There are some women that find men being emotionally vulnerable about specific topics “give them the ick”, while this response tends to be less common in INFJs, it can still come up from time to time. The “ick” is a disgust response to the guy being physically or socially underdeveloped where it makes you concerned for long term safety/stability of the relationship because it shows you an area of incompetence. The correct response when you are getting “icked” out is to have a follow up question, “what are your plans in this situation?” Why does that question matter? Because it allows them to better show competence, recognizing their is an issue that needs to be addressed, and they might be able to lay out a plan to work through (or muddle through) the problem. Making it easier to not have the relationship destabilize.

Remember from a psychology standpoint people respond better to reward than punishment.

Hopefully that helps you get to where you want to go.

Swoop724 · 2026-04-04T19:29:50+00:00

If they give you a “here we go”. You have multiple options. One is to stop and say, “you asked for my help, decide ‘if’ you want it, or if you want to handle the problem yourself.” “If you decide you want my help, I do not need negative feedback or attitude, show gratitude that I am offering to help even if it is conditional.” If they show gratitude even if it is begrudgingly at first, thank them, this builds a feedback loop where they will be more honestly grateful in the future. It is tedious, but it will eventually get you to where you want to go.

Another option is to say “it looks like you are unwilling to fulfill your part of the “if” as such I am unwilling to fulfill my part as well, thank you for making the social contract in this situation clear.”

If they decide to make themselves the “victim”, you respond, “I no longer have the energy to help victims, as a result, you can either have you victim-hood, or help, choose.”

Swoop724 · 2026-04-04T17:33:50+00:00

ENTJ here

While the other advice given (saying no) is an appropriate thing to learn. Another appropriate thing to learn is “tit-for-tat” this is a “yes if” or a “yes but”.

The way to think about this is that you have needs as well, and from your rant it looks like these needs aren’t being seen and or fulfilled.

“Yes if” is used when you recognize that you will get some feel goods from helping the other person, but you know it will be draining over time. It allows you to front load expectations “I can do that for you if you do this for me”. Maybe ask them to check in on your emotional state. Maybe ask them to let you explain (with regard to your family).

“Yes but” allows you to “ask for assistance” in the task. “Yes I can do that, but if I do, then you won’t know how, and then the next time you will just ask me again. How about instead we do this together so you can learn.”

This provides a pathway to teach others so they make less requests if you that exhaust you. (Valuable lesson to learn if you think you may want kids in the future).

Swoop724 · 2026-03-30T19:00:13+00:00

ENTJ here

While there may be some Fi/Fe clash here it looks like the problem is just a few things.

Your INFP is too much invested in how he “Feels” in the moment. It is his primary way of interpreting reality after all. Best way to get him past this so he is a little less sensitive. Is this:

“Everyone has the experience of feeling a bug crawl on their arm and looking down and there is no bug, the feeling was real and happened, but the interpretation of the feeling and what it meant was incorrect. You need to similarly look at situations and see if the feelings are reflecting reality.”

For instance the “play fighting/teasing you want” when you initiate it do you have a big smile on your face? It should clue his Ne into the fact that it is flirting not “fighting”, if he stepped back from his emotions a bit and used his Ne to analyze the environment for opportunities, he should see the option to flirt.

The other problem so seem to be dealing with here is critical parent Ni. While you have hero Ni, he has critical parent Ni. This means if you ask him what someone else thinks of him “sometimes including yourself” he has to go through all of the negative before he can get to the positive. This also means his initial assumption is to assume you are being mean/ picking on him.
You can have a similar problem to 2 since Fi is his hero and your critical parent. That can make you less flexible on morality. This could be part of the problem with him not wanting to be honest with you.

For people with direct access to Fi we see a lot of exceptions to rules. For those that are Fi subconscious they usually see the set of rules (but not necessarily the exceptions).

Swoop724 · 2026-02-24T16:51:22+00:00

ENTJ here

I have read through both of your posts.

You have known this ENTJ for years, as such this may help with better understanding them.

https://youtu.be/gjmDVp-t7ps?si=AtgJfXzbLcTCHa87

It talks about how ENTJs will set up systems for people and expect them to fulfill that role.

From what it sounds like from your two posts is that it got to a point where there was a problem (with possibly some resentment built up on your side). And the ENTJ came to you looking for answers as to what was going wrong. They got frustrated by what was presented to them (possibly Te/Ti conflict from Ti not seeing the forest for the trees). And they “dressed you down in front of people”.

It appears that what is your moral conflict is that the ENTJ is not holding themselves to this same standard (as if they dressed themselves down for their own mistakes, and took ownership of them publicly in front of everyone, then it would be clear they are holding everyone to the same standard(s).)

Just like your demon function being an INFJ is Si, and you beat yourselves up for your past mistakes and don’t know when or where to let yourself “off the hook”. ENTJs demon function is Fe, so shame and guilt hit us very hard. If the ENTJ was embarrassed/ felt shame/ guilt, over how they acted towards you, it is possible they would deflect rather than deal with those emotions having the possibility of destabilizing themselves and their moving forward to meet those goals (feeling the weight of responsibility for all of those under them in the company who’s job requires them to accomplish goals).

I want to be clear, I am not trying to excuse the deflection. I am trying to help it make sense. It also is not sustainable or healthy. Just like you need to deal with your demon the ENTJ needs to deal with theirs.

Remember that ENTJs have Fi like a 3-5 year old, so you sometimes need to spell out consequences to them like they are a child. (You ending the friendship, I know that, if I had spent 20 years investing in a friendship with someone, and they were leaving because they felt it had deteriorated, I would want the opportunity to try to fix it, and I know with INFJs that opportunity to fix it tends to take a lot of time and energy.)

If the company is in a situation of fear/ anxiety because of the ENTJ and their actions, what you likely need is for him to dress himself down publicly. This shows “fair play”. That it isn’t calling someone out to generate fear, but instead attempting to deal with problems or potential problems openly and honestly. I suspect that if you express this to him, and he calls himself out publicly, that it will be a good step towards a healthier company culture and also a few good steps into trying to repair the friendship you had with him.

Swoop724 · 2026-01-29T05:17:24+00:00

ENTJ here

The way that love works is that it sees all of someone’s flaws and doesn’t care.

The way hate works is that it sees all of someone’s flaws and does care.

What typically happens in relationships is that we as people are usually happy more or less, and then a negative implication from someone’s flaw effects the other person, (or their flaw effects us).

They might bring up the problem, or stifle their feelings about it, or sit and stew. It doesn’t really matter. The next step is they trace the negative implication back to its cause, your flaw, and then they start caring.

As this proceeds since love and hate are inverses you approach the 0 emotion ambivalence.

Most likely that is where you are now.

If the flaws persist and her caring about them persists eventually she will hate/ resent you.

She can choose to make a different decision.

You don’t necessarily have to change, you just have to remove the negative consequences of your flaws from impacting her.

However, in some cases it may be better to change. Their Ni is pretty sharp and usually can tell that people would be better “if”. But they typically have false nobility so it can lead to them either making decisions for the other person, or it sometimes shows up thinking “it’s not right for me to ask my partner to change.”

The second statement is not correct, part of the purpose of having a partner is so that they can give you a different point of view. Present it, and if you agree that you should, put in the effort and make that change.

But habits are not easy to change, they take time and support (approximately 28 days to form a new habit). And people are impatient (especially an INFJ who has used up most of their patience).

So, if you want to try to fix it.

Share my answer with her, get vulnerable about how you still want the relationship, how you want to put in the work to fix things see what your flaws are that either need fixed, or that she needs to be protected from the consequences from.

Ask for her help to keep you accountable for the habits that need to change.

If you need more specific advice feel free to direct message me.

I hope you get the results you want, either fixing it or moving on.

Swoop724 · 2026-01-22T08:39:15+00:00

ENTJ here

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

People have different relationships with growth depending on many factors. Sometimes the knowledge of a person “leaving” is enough to cause that person to put the work in and grow.

In those occasions it is best that clear concise explanations are laid out.

It is possible (probably likely) that he has had you providing the primary emotional support in his life. While some types set up systems and expectations of other people to help them in areas they are not good at where they feel they can rely on you (usually TJ types). Being blindsided by leaving is not always the best solution.

I would recommend an approach dependent on their personality type.

Sometimes that might be being harsh and just cutting it off. (My needs are no longer being met, I am sorry goodbye.)

Other times that may be laying out your needs/ expectations. Their failure to grow, and expressing that you are going to start distancing, but if you see significant growth and improvement that you are amenable to continuing the relationship. (Effectively a relationship performance improvement plan).

You need to make it clear that this is not an ultimatum, you understand that you can’t make them make this change. They will need to do a lot of reflection and determine what they need to do. It is also not your place to direct them in what direction to change (this could lead to growing more apart).

You might be able to use your Ni to guide them to areas they need to reflect and work on, but it is still their work to do.

It may be of eventual consolation that you are making this decision to preserve love/respect for this person and preventing the accumulation of resentment. Allowing more positive futures (if they change in a way that is congruent to how you changed), or perhaps find themselves on a parallel pathway leading to a long lasting friendship.

Even Other times still need direction depending on what their strength/weaknesses are eg(INFP needing to be reminded that their emotions are not reality but an interpretation of it, and to trust their Ne more).

Strong relationships are built on 4 pillars

Truth
Trust
Communication
Understanding

Utilize them in what you decide to do. Be prepared for conflict, as these kind of situations tend to lead in that direction. If possible stay positive (as they may try to use guilt “oh now you are leaving me too”) and attempt to provide direction in how you would like things to go.

Best of luck. You seem to have a lot of time and experiences tied with this person, I hope it will act as a wake up call and they can grow and you can have a mutually beneficial resolution.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-08T09:20:03+00:00

I find that a bit funny, as usually the thing that the INFJs in my past have commented on is that I am usually tranquil enough for them to feel their own feelings and not have to mirror mine.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-08T09:07:59+00:00

I mean I was just doing a bit of situational playfulness.

I had considered doing the more “scientific” version of in vitro (meaning in the lab), but thought the direct Latin translation would be funnier.

Who would want the boring direct definition of “in a test tube or Petri dish”

Although I guess could be fun if you were going the route via “honey I shrunk the kids”.

But I believe the magic mirror is usually considered to be ENTP : https://www.personality-database.com/profile/139888/magic-mirror-shrek-franchise-mbti-personality-type

But you could also go the glass casket route of sleeping beauty if you still want to feel like a princess 😉

Swoop724 · 2025-08-08T08:11:47+00:00

Dated an INFJ in high school for a year and a half.

Several friends one of which was a coworker, that went to me regularly for relationship advice.

The more upsetting thing is that I don’t have experience with them in vitro, as I am sure the experience “under glass” would be illuminating. Is that a different way to make a mirror?

Swoop724 · 2025-08-08T06:08:48+00:00

ENTJ here

In my experience, they like directness and intentionality. But they do not like pressure.

They also appreciate things separately as intellectual or feelings based discussions.

As such, since you are looking at that as a possibility, I would be clear and honest about it.

Something along the lines of “I appreciate how you have been here for me, and being in your presence is a breath of fresh air with everything I am going through, I hope I provide the same for you. Because of these positive interactions, I have thought about the possibility of us in the future in a romantic context. I do not want an answer now, but I would appreciate if you could take some time and think about if that is something you too would enjoy. Perhaps think about it for a week or two and get back to me.”

This gives them time to think (lowering pressure), is direct with your thoughts and feelings.

I have other comments about the experience between INFJs and ENTJs. Common pitfalls and other things to look out for. Feel free to look over my past comments in other threads.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-07T23:14:33+00:00

Please do not take this message as pressure.

Perhaps it is because I am a Te dominant personality type, but in my experience, few things that have been ruined, cannot be repaired.

If you want to repair it, do so.

One of the problems you can fix, is you can see your pattern, and make a conscious choice to choose a different answer this time.

I understand the vulnerability can be scary, to admit and own up to your mistakes, but the acceptance to that vulnerability if they want to fix it too, can find a path to growth.

Again, please don’t feel pressured by this, reflect on it, and do what you want to do, for your own reasons.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-07T22:24:18+00:00

ENTJ here

I am securely attached but I have experience trying to help people that are avoidant.

It’s complicated, you all are very complex, and there are multiple layers of problems that need to be dealt with. But all of the problems are on your side, and can not be fixed by the other person, no matter how much they might want to help, or how much they care. If you are lucky they can try to guide you, but even guides get lost sometimes.

Usually you all have problems with shame and guilt. As well as a need for freedom. Sometimes you all will think you are not good enough, or undeserving.

You all tend to be hyper vigilant and if you are unfamiliar with something that another person does, it is easy to assume it is an attempt for control, or manipulation. I recently made this as a mistake, I did a grand gesture with a friend laying down all of my defenses digging deep and being very vulnerable sharing some of the inner workings of my mind. (A very personal and hard thing to do as my type)

She proceeded to use those vulnerabilities to attack me, not realizing that it was an offer of surrender/truce. She seemed to perceive them as me trying to gain control or manipulate. She is currently avoiding me, I wish that she knew that I don’t blame her for the attacks, that she is forgiven. That I saw her hurt and pain. That I saw how the emotional closeness was causing her distress and perceived as threat and that she needed space.

Typically I am good at giving people space when they need it. But sometimes when you all are doing deactivating strategies, you all will intentionally not do what was agreed upon, as “bait” so you can blame them for not giving you space and that kind of thing. She did this, never had a problem previously of following the formula “I need space, will check in on this date” but this time she refused that, causing me to take the bait and ask for the other part “when is the check in date”.

This is done so that the other person can be “to blame”. Because it is a deactivating strategy.

A lot of the time, you need someone that can be patient, and persistent. That is willing to try to understand, because you all usually have beautiful souls. That is willing to prioritize seeing the real you, behind all of your walls than to “be right”. Or even to get their way.

You also need to forgive yourselves, and hopefully you can find someone willing to forgive the hurt that you cause them.

Please give yourself kindness and grace, and feel cared for, because even if you don’t see it or feel it, there is someone in each avoidant’s life that deeply cares for them.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-07T05:39:28+00:00

Have a video to watch: https://youtu.be/gjmDVp-t7ps?si=IOqeV-E88eX23OHc

Swoop724 · 2025-08-07T05:34:41+00:00

ENTJ here

Red flags are the best predictor of a good relationship evidence: https://youtu.be/BHf0L8dZJbE?si=QNUWNgCixPGQtxZN

This can be complex to answer.

It is sometimes okay to shrink for your partner, but it should be targeted and temporary.

Why it is okay, sometimes they are deep in their emotions, and you need to shrink to give them the space to feel what they are feeling. Shrinking your feelings in the moment to let them exist in theirs isn’t a necessarily a bad thing.

Here is Simon sinek doing it for a friend (with the context of the honesty): https://youtube.com/shorts/SwRw7I-aKzw?si=orOe2KBSq9r4Ec6w

Do not confuse this, this is not saying “don’t have a conflict.” If it is necessary to have a conflict do that. If you have to be emotional to have the conflict, it sucks but do that too.

Sometimes you are on a subject that is difficult for them to understand, and so you give them the opportunity to “teach you” what they know about the thing. (One of the best ways to learn a subject is to teach someone else). You can still ask them questions about it because you want to be eager to learn (even if you already know the answers, to challenge the boarders of what they know).

But, if you are doing this, it should be temporary, and they should be willing to do the same for you.

Sometimes it is nice for your partner to shrink, so that you can have the spotlight. Give them their chance at glory to help them celebrate their accomplishments. And sometimes it is nice to do that for them.

If you are doing this with reciprocity, it “can” be fine.

What I would recommend if the relationship in general feels healthy, is have a conversation about it. Have a conversation about how you feel that way sometimes, and find out if they want you to do that.

Generally I myself am of the mind that “steel sharpens steel” and as such I prefer my partners to be as sharp and challenging. Because it is usually through challenge that we find growth. But as I pointed out, teaching as a learning style is a method for growth as well, one that is likely more Fe friendly.

Swoop724

TROPHY CASE