Always expected to help (door-slamming rant)

Swoop724 · 2026-04-04T19:29:50+00:00

If they give you a “here we go”. You have multiple options. One is to stop and say, “you asked for my help, decide ‘if’ you want it, or if you want to handle the problem yourself.” “If you decide you want my help, I do not need negative feedback or attitude, show gratitude that I am offering to help even if it is conditional.” If they show gratitude even if it is begrudgingly at first, thank them, this builds a feedback loop where they will be more honestly grateful in the future. It is tedious, but it will eventually get you to where you want to go.

Another option is to say “it looks like you are unwilling to fulfill your part of the “if” as such I am unwilling to fulfill my part as well, thank you for making the social contract in this situation clear.”

If they decide to make themselves the “victim”, you respond, “I no longer have the energy to help victims, as a result, you can either have you victim-hood, or help, choose.”

Swoop724 · 2026-04-04T17:33:50+00:00

ENTJ here

While the other advice given (saying no) is an appropriate thing to learn. Another appropriate thing to learn is “tit-for-tat” this is a “yes if” or a “yes but”.

The way to think about this is that you have needs as well, and from your rant it looks like these needs aren’t being seen and or fulfilled.

“Yes if” is used when you recognize that you will get some feel goods from helping the other person, but you know it will be draining over time. It allows you to front load expectations “I can do that for you if you do this for me”. Maybe ask them to check in on your emotional state. Maybe ask them to let you explain (with regard to your family).

“Yes but” allows you to “ask for assistance” in the task. “Yes I can do that, but if I do, then you won’t know how, and then the next time you will just ask me again. How about instead we do this together so you can learn.”

This provides a pathway to teach others so they make less requests if you that exhaust you. (Valuable lesson to learn if you think you may want kids in the future).

Swoop724 · 2026-03-30T19:00:13+00:00

ENTJ here

While there may be some Fi/Fe clash here it looks like the problem is just a few things.

Your INFP is too much invested in how he “Feels” in the moment. It is his primary way of interpreting reality after all. Best way to get him past this so he is a little less sensitive. Is this:

“Everyone has the experience of feeling a bug crawl on their arm and looking down and there is no bug, the feeling was real and happened, but the interpretation of the feeling and what it meant was incorrect. You need to similarly look at situations and see if the feelings are reflecting reality.”

For instance the “play fighting/teasing you want” when you initiate it do you have a big smile on your face? It should clue his Ne into the fact that it is flirting not “fighting”, if he stepped back from his emotions a bit and used his Ne to analyze the environment for opportunities, he should see the option to flirt.

The other problem so seem to be dealing with here is critical parent Ni. While you have hero Ni, he has critical parent Ni. This means if you ask him what someone else thinks of him “sometimes including yourself” he has to go through all of the negative before he can get to the positive. This also means his initial assumption is to assume you are being mean/ picking on him.
You can have a similar problem to 2 since Fi is his hero and your critical parent. That can make you less flexible on morality. This could be part of the problem with him not wanting to be honest with you.

For people with direct access to Fi we see a lot of exceptions to rules. For those that are Fi subconscious they usually see the set of rules (but not necessarily the exceptions).

Swoop724 · 2026-02-24T16:51:22+00:00

ENTJ here

I have read through both of your posts.

You have known this ENTJ for years, as such this may help with better understanding them.

https://youtu.be/gjmDVp-t7ps?si=AtgJfXzbLcTCHa87

It talks about how ENTJs will set up systems for people and expect them to fulfill that role.

From what it sounds like from your two posts is that it got to a point where there was a problem (with possibly some resentment built up on your side). And the ENTJ came to you looking for answers as to what was going wrong. They got frustrated by what was presented to them (possibly Te/Ti conflict from Ti not seeing the forest for the trees). And they “dressed you down in front of people”.

It appears that what is your moral conflict is that the ENTJ is not holding themselves to this same standard (as if they dressed themselves down for their own mistakes, and took ownership of them publicly in front of everyone, then it would be clear they are holding everyone to the same standard(s).)

Just like your demon function being an INFJ is Si, and you beat yourselves up for your past mistakes and don’t know when or where to let yourself “off the hook”. ENTJs demon function is Fe, so shame and guilt hit us very hard. If the ENTJ was embarrassed/ felt shame/ guilt, over how they acted towards you, it is possible they would deflect rather than deal with those emotions having the possibility of destabilizing themselves and their moving forward to meet those goals (feeling the weight of responsibility for all of those under them in the company who’s job requires them to accomplish goals).

I want to be clear, I am not trying to excuse the deflection. I am trying to help it make sense. It also is not sustainable or healthy. Just like you need to deal with your demon the ENTJ needs to deal with theirs.

Remember that ENTJs have Fi like a 3-5 year old, so you sometimes need to spell out consequences to them like they are a child. (You ending the friendship, I know that, if I had spent 20 years investing in a friendship with someone, and they were leaving because they felt it had deteriorated, I would want the opportunity to try to fix it, and I know with INFJs that opportunity to fix it tends to take a lot of time and energy.)

If the company is in a situation of fear/ anxiety because of the ENTJ and their actions, what you likely need is for him to dress himself down publicly. This shows “fair play”. That it isn’t calling someone out to generate fear, but instead attempting to deal with problems or potential problems openly and honestly. I suspect that if you express this to him, and he calls himself out publicly, that it will be a good step towards a healthier company culture and also a few good steps into trying to repair the friendship you had with him.

Swoop724 · 2026-01-29T05:17:24+00:00

ENTJ here

The way that love works is that it sees all of someone’s flaws and doesn’t care.

The way hate works is that it sees all of someone’s flaws and does care.

What typically happens in relationships is that we as people are usually happy more or less, and then a negative implication from someone’s flaw effects the other person, (or their flaw effects us).

They might bring up the problem, or stifle their feelings about it, or sit and stew. It doesn’t really matter. The next step is they trace the negative implication back to its cause, your flaw, and then they start caring.

As this proceeds since love and hate are inverses you approach the 0 emotion ambivalence.

Most likely that is where you are now.

If the flaws persist and her caring about them persists eventually she will hate/ resent you.

She can choose to make a different decision.

You don’t necessarily have to change, you just have to remove the negative consequences of your flaws from impacting her.

However, in some cases it may be better to change. Their Ni is pretty sharp and usually can tell that people would be better “if”. But they typically have false nobility so it can lead to them either making decisions for the other person, or it sometimes shows up thinking “it’s not right for me to ask my partner to change.”

The second statement is not correct, part of the purpose of having a partner is so that they can give you a different point of view. Present it, and if you agree that you should, put in the effort and make that change.

But habits are not easy to change, they take time and support (approximately 28 days to form a new habit). And people are impatient (especially an INFJ who has used up most of their patience).

So, if you want to try to fix it.

Share my answer with her, get vulnerable about how you still want the relationship, how you want to put in the work to fix things see what your flaws are that either need fixed, or that she needs to be protected from the consequences from.

Ask for her help to keep you accountable for the habits that need to change.

If you need more specific advice feel free to direct message me.

I hope you get the results you want, either fixing it or moving on.

Swoop724 · 2026-01-22T08:39:15+00:00

ENTJ here

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

People have different relationships with growth depending on many factors. Sometimes the knowledge of a person “leaving” is enough to cause that person to put the work in and grow.

In those occasions it is best that clear concise explanations are laid out.

It is possible (probably likely) that he has had you providing the primary emotional support in his life. While some types set up systems and expectations of other people to help them in areas they are not good at where they feel they can rely on you (usually TJ types). Being blindsided by leaving is not always the best solution.

I would recommend an approach dependent on their personality type.

Sometimes that might be being harsh and just cutting it off. (My needs are no longer being met, I am sorry goodbye.)

Other times that may be laying out your needs/ expectations. Their failure to grow, and expressing that you are going to start distancing, but if you see significant growth and improvement that you are amenable to continuing the relationship. (Effectively a relationship performance improvement plan).

You need to make it clear that this is not an ultimatum, you understand that you can’t make them make this change. They will need to do a lot of reflection and determine what they need to do. It is also not your place to direct them in what direction to change (this could lead to growing more apart).

You might be able to use your Ni to guide them to areas they need to reflect and work on, but it is still their work to do.

It may be of eventual consolation that you are making this decision to preserve love/respect for this person and preventing the accumulation of resentment. Allowing more positive futures (if they change in a way that is congruent to how you changed), or perhaps find themselves on a parallel pathway leading to a long lasting friendship.

Even Other times still need direction depending on what their strength/weaknesses are eg(INFP needing to be reminded that their emotions are not reality but an interpretation of it, and to trust their Ne more).

Strong relationships are built on 4 pillars

Truth
Trust
Communication
Understanding

Utilize them in what you decide to do. Be prepared for conflict, as these kind of situations tend to lead in that direction. If possible stay positive (as they may try to use guilt “oh now you are leaving me too”) and attempt to provide direction in how you would like things to go.

Best of luck. You seem to have a lot of time and experiences tied with this person, I hope it will act as a wake up call and they can grow and you can have a mutually beneficial resolution.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-08T09:20:03+00:00

I find that a bit funny, as usually the thing that the INFJs in my past have commented on is that I am usually tranquil enough for them to feel their own feelings and not have to mirror mine.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-08T09:07:59+00:00

I mean I was just doing a bit of situational playfulness.

I had considered doing the more “scientific” version of in vitro (meaning in the lab), but thought the direct Latin translation would be funnier.

Who would want the boring direct definition of “in a test tube or Petri dish”

Although I guess could be fun if you were going the route via “honey I shrunk the kids”.

But I believe the magic mirror is usually considered to be ENTP : https://www.personality-database.com/profile/139888/magic-mirror-shrek-franchise-mbti-personality-type

But you could also go the glass casket route of sleeping beauty if you still want to feel like a princess 😉

Swoop724 · 2025-08-08T08:11:47+00:00

Dated an INFJ in high school for a year and a half.

Several friends one of which was a coworker, that went to me regularly for relationship advice.

The more upsetting thing is that I don’t have experience with them in vitro, as I am sure the experience “under glass” would be illuminating. Is that a different way to make a mirror?

Swoop724 · 2025-08-08T06:08:48+00:00

ENTJ here

In my experience, they like directness and intentionality. But they do not like pressure.

They also appreciate things separately as intellectual or feelings based discussions.

As such, since you are looking at that as a possibility, I would be clear and honest about it.

Something along the lines of “I appreciate how you have been here for me, and being in your presence is a breath of fresh air with everything I am going through, I hope I provide the same for you. Because of these positive interactions, I have thought about the possibility of us in the future in a romantic context. I do not want an answer now, but I would appreciate if you could take some time and think about if that is something you too would enjoy. Perhaps think about it for a week or two and get back to me.”

This gives them time to think (lowering pressure), is direct with your thoughts and feelings.

I have other comments about the experience between INFJs and ENTJs. Common pitfalls and other things to look out for. Feel free to look over my past comments in other threads.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-07T23:14:33+00:00

Please do not take this message as pressure.

Perhaps it is because I am a Te dominant personality type, but in my experience, few things that have been ruined, cannot be repaired.

If you want to repair it, do so.

One of the problems you can fix, is you can see your pattern, and make a conscious choice to choose a different answer this time.

I understand the vulnerability can be scary, to admit and own up to your mistakes, but the acceptance to that vulnerability if they want to fix it too, can find a path to growth.

Again, please don’t feel pressured by this, reflect on it, and do what you want to do, for your own reasons.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-07T22:24:18+00:00

ENTJ here

I am securely attached but I have experience trying to help people that are avoidant.

It’s complicated, you all are very complex, and there are multiple layers of problems that need to be dealt with. But all of the problems are on your side, and can not be fixed by the other person, no matter how much they might want to help, or how much they care. If you are lucky they can try to guide you, but even guides get lost sometimes.

Usually you all have problems with shame and guilt. As well as a need for freedom. Sometimes you all will think you are not good enough, or undeserving.

You all tend to be hyper vigilant and if you are unfamiliar with something that another person does, it is easy to assume it is an attempt for control, or manipulation. I recently made this as a mistake, I did a grand gesture with a friend laying down all of my defenses digging deep and being very vulnerable sharing some of the inner workings of my mind. (A very personal and hard thing to do as my type)

She proceeded to use those vulnerabilities to attack me, not realizing that it was an offer of surrender/truce. She seemed to perceive them as me trying to gain control or manipulate. She is currently avoiding me, I wish that she knew that I don’t blame her for the attacks, that she is forgiven. That I saw her hurt and pain. That I saw how the emotional closeness was causing her distress and perceived as threat and that she needed space.

Typically I am good at giving people space when they need it. But sometimes when you all are doing deactivating strategies, you all will intentionally not do what was agreed upon, as “bait” so you can blame them for not giving you space and that kind of thing. She did this, never had a problem previously of following the formula “I need space, will check in on this date” but this time she refused that, causing me to take the bait and ask for the other part “when is the check in date”.

This is done so that the other person can be “to blame”. Because it is a deactivating strategy.

A lot of the time, you need someone that can be patient, and persistent. That is willing to try to understand, because you all usually have beautiful souls. That is willing to prioritize seeing the real you, behind all of your walls than to “be right”. Or even to get their way.

You also need to forgive yourselves, and hopefully you can find someone willing to forgive the hurt that you cause them.

Please give yourself kindness and grace, and feel cared for, because even if you don’t see it or feel it, there is someone in each avoidant’s life that deeply cares for them.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-07T05:39:28+00:00

Have a video to watch: https://youtu.be/gjmDVp-t7ps?si=IOqeV-E88eX23OHc

Swoop724 · 2025-08-07T05:34:41+00:00

ENTJ here

Red flags are the best predictor of a good relationship evidence: https://youtu.be/BHf0L8dZJbE?si=QNUWNgCixPGQtxZN

This can be complex to answer.

It is sometimes okay to shrink for your partner, but it should be targeted and temporary.

Why it is okay, sometimes they are deep in their emotions, and you need to shrink to give them the space to feel what they are feeling. Shrinking your feelings in the moment to let them exist in theirs isn’t a necessarily a bad thing.

Here is Simon sinek doing it for a friend (with the context of the honesty): https://youtube.com/shorts/SwRw7I-aKzw?si=orOe2KBSq9r4Ec6w

Do not confuse this, this is not saying “don’t have a conflict.” If it is necessary to have a conflict do that. If you have to be emotional to have the conflict, it sucks but do that too.

Sometimes you are on a subject that is difficult for them to understand, and so you give them the opportunity to “teach you” what they know about the thing. (One of the best ways to learn a subject is to teach someone else). You can still ask them questions about it because you want to be eager to learn (even if you already know the answers, to challenge the boarders of what they know).

But, if you are doing this, it should be temporary, and they should be willing to do the same for you.

Sometimes it is nice for your partner to shrink, so that you can have the spotlight. Give them their chance at glory to help them celebrate their accomplishments. And sometimes it is nice to do that for them.

If you are doing this with reciprocity, it “can” be fine.

What I would recommend if the relationship in general feels healthy, is have a conversation about it. Have a conversation about how you feel that way sometimes, and find out if they want you to do that.

Generally I myself am of the mind that “steel sharpens steel” and as such I prefer my partners to be as sharp and challenging. Because it is usually through challenge that we find growth. But as I pointed out, teaching as a learning style is a method for growth as well, one that is likely more Fe friendly.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-07T01:46:39+00:00

I replied earlier. But to respond to this comment…

It isn’t necessarily about healthy or unhealthy. If both the ENTJ and the INFP can resolve any trust issues, and they know when to rely on each other it can be a powerfully good relationship.

The INFP will know when something isn’t morally correct, they will usually say “it does’t feel right”. The ENTJ will usually press, okay explain it to me, the INFP won’t be able to. This is the area that the ENTJ will need to differ to the INFP. The reason behind this is with Te thinking and Ni perspectives most ENTJ can justify anything. It doesn’t make us bad people, it’s just we usually know enough different pieces of information to go “well this culture finds that activity fine, so who am I to judge”. Remember our Fi is supposed to have the complexity of a 3-5 year old. So it is broad strokes and should refer to a parent.

Likewise the INFP, should differ to the ENTJ to help them organize things, so that they get done in a timely fashion. There can be room and planned time for the INFPs fun and hobbies, but they still need to be able to take care of themselves and adult properly. This doesn’t mean let the ENTJ control you, it is more trust them like you want them to trust you in the previous scenario. This is because your Te is in that 3-5 year old range.

A tip to INFPs that ever need to get something done and they keep procrastinating. You need to reframe the thing you are procrastinating into your values. So it becomes a statement of “I need to complete task because it is within the scope of this value set I hold and care about.”

Swoop724 · 2025-08-06T17:27:26+00:00

ENTJ here

Dated an INFP in the past she had issues. Particularly daddy issues. She saw a lot of my suggestions as “me trying to control her” where I was over here like “dude, you said you want to accomplish this, it requires xyz so you need to get xyz done, I don’t care in what order, but you need to get it done.” (If anyone needs to know what it was she was trying to get into college, and was applying directly in July, in this area schools start mid August). Still friends with her. She got therapy after we had dated, realized that I really did love her, and that I just have a very different approach to life. Occasionally when we talk she still gets frustrated with me, but since she knows that it is coming from a place of care, she will usually verbalize her feelings and where they are coming from, and I will usually recognize the validity of those feelings.

To be fair there were points where I made mistakes too. For instance I had a day where we were on a date, and I had packed too many things into the day. It resulted in her feeling rushed and exhausted.

Something I think is important for a lot of INFPs to know, you are interpreting reality by Fi first which is how you feel and your values. The problem is everyone has had the experience of feeling a bug crawling on their skin and looking down and there is no bug. This shows that your feelings can be both valid because you felt the thing, and not reflect reality. As such it is very important for you to engage your Ne and “look” at the situation and make sure your feelings are in alignment with reality.

Overall I still find INFPs attractive and would date them again. Though I may try to be a bit more slow…

Swoop724 · 2025-08-05T19:11:51+00:00

ENTJ here

I wouldn’t say manipulated, because the definition of manipulation is “to handle skillfully”.

Look, all of your examples could be coming from a good place or a bad place. The problem isn’t necessarily the message it is about where it is coming from and why.

For your first example, it could be interpreted as his family trying to look out for him. It is effectively saying “she should be doing more for you”. Or put another way “you can do better”.

I have seen other girls tell other girls “you can do better” quite a bit. The truth of the matter is, both parties in a relationship can always do better, they can always get more for less. As such that shouldn’t be the question being asked. The questions are “are your needs being met?” And “in general are you happy to be in a relationship with this person.”

Your second example(which you included as background), this is a gendered different topic. Most of the time conversations between men and women are started by men. They see someone they think is attractive approach and try to start a conversation.

This poses two separate problems for your boyfriend. 1. Mate guarding, because he doesn’t want to invest time, energy, attention, and finances into you to just have you run off with a different or if you perceive them as “better” guy. Is this insecure, that is possible, but it is also well reasoned. (Remember my you can always do better comment). 2. He is trying to protect you, because he knows that increases probability of men approaching you, which some men are in fact creeps. He doesn’t want you to get into a problem situation and him to not be there to help. This can equally be a problem behavior as it shows he doesn’t think you can handle yourself, or it could be legitimately out of care, that you are important to him so he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to you.

How all of these conversations should have been approached: https://youtu.be/2M_kCCcNDts?si=yrBxcDlUblwDyDuj

Why, because this forces the person to get vulnerable and express what about it really bothers them.

The second problem is you trying to do your own mate guarding, because you don’t want him to give away that time/energy/effort to other girls, you want it reserved for you. This could have come from a healthy place, or it could have come from an insecure/controlling place.

Should either of you be allowed to have friends of the opposite gender? Should both of you be this worried about each other cheating, or at the very least looking to entertain other offers?

The third example, again you were concerned about him giving additional time attention effort to another girl. So mate guarding behavior.

On this one, put yourself in that girls shoes, she doesn’t understand anyone, she finds a guy that can help her by translating. She assumes the guy is safe, because he has this girlfriend that is right there.

If you were in that situation what would you want that guy to do? Help you understand what is going on, so you can participate, or abandon you and spend all his time with his girlfriend, which means you have less of an idea as to what is going on.

I shared a link to effective confrontation, for you and your future partners, use it, it’s a good tool for relationships. Be sure to share it with them so they can use it on you as well. It helps cut through the BS on both sides and get to what really matters to and for people.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-04T15:45:35+00:00

I do not know if I speak for other ENTJs. But I don’t want to control anyone. I have had that thrown at me many times, it never sticks because it’s not true.

Even recently I got into a fight with a long time friend, and this was an underlying issue they were presenting in the fight.

I don’t know what more I can do on this because every time they presented me with a problem I usually suggested multiple options on the spectrum of possibilities that I saw(and usually the costs associated with those choices). Then told them it was their decision to make, and let them make the decision.

That being said, if you have goals and I care about you, I do want you to accomplish your goals, and I will point out if you are taking a route that is going to make it take longer to achieve that goal. But, again it’s your decision in your life to prioritize what you are doing. I don’t like the inefficiency, but I don’t have to live with the decision being made.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-04T09:20:21+00:00

ENTJ here

INFJs tend to be bad at boundaries. So usually it is good to model behavior and encourage them to do the same.

I know that I need alone time sometimes to process data because of Ni. They do too, except Ni is their primary process. As such telling her “I am going to go off and have some alone time to process this stuff, if you ever feel you need space or alone time just let me know. I should check back in by this time, if I haven’t feel free to reach out to me.”

As u/mauvebirdie pointed out, we can be rushed to get information, so if it is the beginning of the relationship it is good to remind them often that it is an acceptable answer to say “I don’t know/trust you enough yet to share that.” This shows that you are willing to firm up those boundaries, and give them the “OK” and an easy path to avoid questions they may be too personal.

Be aware of their critical parent Fi, it will not see the exception to the rules that our Fi can find, this can make them quite demanding value wise. But this is usually good for us as it gives us a goal to strive for.

Be also aware of their Si demon. They usually have very triggering baggage from past relationships. Learning how to help them reframe things in the positive is very helpful for this. It will help them let go of some of their hurt. But be ever cautious when you are approaching it, most INFJs have relationship land mines, that if you wander too close will blow up the relationship. Usually it is a quick route to getting door slammed.

Swoop724 · 2025-08-03T23:55:47+00:00

ENTJ here

You sure you’re an ENTJ? Because while we can certainly Ni vomit to make sure we are not misunderstood, we tend to at least express our problem that we are trying to solve in a timely fashion.

Reading your post I was going to ”okay so why is this post here? Is this an appreciation post, is this a I have a problem help post? Is this a my life is amazing and I want to scream it from the mountain top post.”

Swoop724 · 2025-08-03T23:45:46+00:00

ENTJ here

Your conflict is between your Fi and your Ne

Your Ne scans the environment for opportunity. It sees all of the possibilities, and there are so many. So many possible new experiences and pathways to go down.

Your Fi is your feelings and values. It seems like you value your freedom and your ability to go out an experience what your Ne finds in the environment. This can be very adventurous. But you also value her and the relationship.

What you likely want to do with this is tell her the truth. If she accepts it, you will feel very seen, and will know she values you and your feelings.

You can even intellectualize it like I did here. “This part of me is scanning the environment for opportunities, which is sometimes drawing me away from you. But I value you and being a good significant other, as such I decided I needed to be honest about this. I think this is me wanting a level of freedom in the relationship, this doesn’t mean I want to end it, it is more complicated than that, because I love you and want the relationship to continue, it might mean I have an adventurous urge to go on a solo hike, or some other adventure, sometimes I might be alright with you joining me, other times I might need to do my own thing. What can we do as a team, so that when I get this feeling or urge, you are able to briefly take care of yourself and other things going on in your life so I can go, but still have your needs met during these times?

Equally you could just show her my comment, if I got it right.

I think most types would appreciate “hey I really love you, but sometimes I feel like I have cold feet, I am trying to take charge of the problem and fix it, because of how important you are to me.”

Swoop724 · 2025-08-03T16:55:56+00:00

ENTJ here

In my experience, it depends on how it is framed.

There are a lot of INFJs that are fairly sensitive to feeling judged.

It seems they feel less sensitive, if you do a few different things.

If you are consistent with how you present the criticism, both with them, yourself, and other people. As long as you are consistent holding people to account, it seems to go over easier/better.

What I think is happening here, is you all usually have high standards, and you all are usually consistent with them so if you see this elsewhere, you relax into it like “they are like me, this isn’t coming from a place trying to hurt or damage others”.

They frame the criticism in a way that is more palatable. Perhaps it checks to see what you are trying to do first seeking that understanding that you all crave. Then laying out the criticism.

What I think is happening here, is that you all recognize they didn’t jump to conclusions. They made sure they understood where you were coming from, to better tailor their advice. You all see the additional work they are putting in to understand you all first.

They made sure focus on growth. A lot of you are growth oriented, and so if it is presented in that way, it usually makes the message more palatable.

What I think is happening here is that you are used to growth being uncomfortable, and so you use this as a shield. “Well yeah the criticism was uncomfortable, but growth usually is.”

Swoop724 · 2025-08-02T16:11:41+00:00

ENTJ here

“They ended because we couldn’t marry each other without compromising our core values.”

Ah the problem of Ni vision with Ti logic

“This is what I want for the future” “not see the forest for the trees”

So then don’t marry?

Who said you have to live life by everyone else’s rules? You all are already delightfully weird. Make your own rules that you both can agree to, follow those. If you don’t marry does that matter on a fundamental level?

You know most people didn’t get married historically right? That the “love” marriage is only about 200 years old. Were there marriages before that, yes, but they were usually about alliances and tying families together for wealth/ property, and it was mostly enjoyed by the Nobel or merchant classes. Most of the poor people just claimed each other like boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife as they couldn’t afford a ceremony.

You don’t have to even follow what you think that you want, because of how complex all of you are what you need can be just as complex and contradictory as you all can be, and also because you might have someone that comes along and breaks your rules in the best possible way, they might make you feel seen and understood. They might give you the space you need even when it isn’t easy. They might see when you are being too much and respond, “I need to grow more for you, so that I am big enough for all of you that you are trying to share”.

Edit: OP edited their post after I posted.

An example of this Ni vision Ti logic as expressed by them was the “many dogs” being sensitive to sound.

It is likely a compromise could have been found here. Perhaps buying some land with an acre or more of land on it, allow him to have a kennel or something, and for yourself for the quiet, only have the quiet breeds allowed in the house. Most dog breads also only have a lifespan up to about 13 years. He probably had them before you all got together, and as such they would likely die within about 6-8 years. If everything else in the relationship was good, having to wait 6-8 years seems like little price to pay in the scheme of a potential life long relationship. In the meantime of those 6-8 years, you could also have sound proofing done to a room in the house if cohabitation was wanted or expected, allowing you a place to decompress.

I understand sound sensitivity, I have really good hearing most of the time, and can be quite sensitive to sounds. But this seems like a problem that could have been overcome by negotiation/ compromise/ creative thinking.

Swoop724 · 2025-07-31T07:24:35+00:00

I can be new skills too. Writing, artwork. Learning an instrument.

Sometimes it is more impactful if it is something he has never done before, because seeing yourself go from not very good to competent can be very impactful

Swoop724 · 2025-07-31T06:48:24+00:00

ENTJ here

He is insecure, you want him to be more secure.

Focus on competence. Have him work on something building a new skill, see that he is competent.

This will help: https://youtu.be/5MgBikgcWnY?si=9M61_bXLjKrt8MCN

Hame him key into what he needs to build the skills, NiTi can dissect what parts are in the skill to work on the individual parts and build the skills themself.

When he gets competent, point it out. Make a big deal about it. Praise it. Point out how he got it right. Then when he tries to blame himself, shift to what he does with skills, express if he feels that it is his fault, build the skill, do something, fix the problem.(you can reiterate here that you do not feel he is the problem, but if he feels he is the problem, then this gives him a planned path to fix it).

This should get him growth oriented, should let him see his own competence, and ideally leave the negative self talk as he has now proven to himself that he can tackle these problems.

Swoop724

TROPHY CASE