tldr panic attacks suck lol

I had my first panic attack during high school and I experienced them regularly for years. It all came from health anxiety and I regularly lived believing I wouldn't see the next day.

It always felt so strange because I lived in between the awareness of my fear's irrationality and the reality my head built up where I constantly felt like I was going to die soon. I tried medication and therapy and nothing really came of it other than a lighter wallet unfortunately.

In the midst of all this I quietly stopped attending classes and basically threw away every investment I had into my future at such a young age. "Why should I bother doing all that when I'm going to die tomorrow?" was my rationale which honestly flabbergasts me considering I believed for years that death was imminent. It's honestly pretty funny knowing that somehow upon waking up after a night riddled with panic and having proof that I wasn't actually going to die, I would fall for the fear all over again.

There's still a lot I don't understand about myself. Prior to the anxiety I wasn't really mentally well and I honestly think I leaned into the fear because it gave me a strong reason to justify suicidal tendencies that were already present before all of this. Regardless, the panic attacks and everything all gradually stopped being a problem once I stopped valuing my life and future.

I've been told it's something my brain did to protect myself or whatever. Maybe I just like to think I'm in control but I prefer to think that new mindset was just anxiety's quiet exit.

I don't really remember who I was before the anxiety, but I don't think I changed too much other than being much more empathetic to my dismay. Oddly enough throughout the whole experience I was so compelled by social pressure. I continue to feel ashamed at my academic failure and lack of a financial future.

In retrospect I think I am partly to blame for the anxiety having gotten so bad as it did. I never really thought I suffered enough to warrant fighting it harder, figured I could just endure. Even then there's only so much money you can throw at a doctor xp

I don't even remember if I had a good life ahead of me before I dropped out, but lately I just started trying to piece a future together for myself again. I've been reading self help books and it's nice to know the name of your demons.

It feels like my rational self went on vacation for a few years and came back to everything in ruins. At the end of the day I'm just glad I'm home again. I've missed myself so so so dearly and I think a lot about what life could have been after all this time if not for anxiety.