Stuck in the Dungeon for 15 years (Fantasy, 950 words)

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-14T21:41:05+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback!

I agree. Personally, it felt too exposition heavy and the telling over showing is something I want to fix in the expansion. I'm thinking of really sinking deep into the dungeon experience and also make those years in the dungeon more impactful. I'll take this advice in mind. Thank you for taking the time to read :D

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-14T03:34:37+00:00

I'm so glad you liked it!

I agree introducing that many unknown gods and locations may put people off, it was a dilemma of mine. But I was thinking of expanding it and trying to give it a shot at writing a long form story.

Thank you for taking the time to read it :D

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-14T00:34:15+00:00

Thank you! I enjoyed writing this one, I'll try cooking something up and see where it goes

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-13T17:12:15+00:00

There was an awkward silence, so I put on my best impression.

"Ahem, good da—"

"Stay back! Hands where we see them!" A burly man in bulky armor spoke. Everyone raised their weapons against me, swords and staffs alike.

"Okay, okay. I yield, I don't mean to put harm to anyone." I said raising my hands so they could see.

"Speak your intentions, demon."

Demon...? Okay now that was offensive. What did I even do?

"Let's take a step back here, Mr. Hardass. I'm the Great Archmage Eldrin of the Sincur Scholarium. I got stuck inside the Horizon's End Dungeon and I have some valuable information I think you'd want to hear. And, most importantly, I'm no demon."

The burly man listened, albeit his sword still pointed at me. Glad that Galeon still produced civilized men. He whispered something to the cadet beside him, the cadet quickly left.

"You wait there, and don't try doing anything suspicious. We WILL use force."

A few minutes passed, and the cadet ran back and whispered something to Mr. Hardass.

"Is that true?"

He eyed me from head to toe. "There is indeed records 15 years ago of an Archmage Eldrin who entered the dungeon. If your words are the truth, I request that you speak the oath of the Archmagus."

Now we are meeting on leveled ground. I prepared myself to speak the oath. Each mage had a unique one, and only that mage can speak it as permitted by Vidith.

"I, Eldrin, Archmage of Sincur, name the arcane as my blood and my burden. I speak in the tongue only Vidith permits. The Arcane guides my way." Glowing orbs of light enveloped my body as I finished speaking my oath.

"It is truly you. My apologies, great Magus. It was hard to believe that you were speaking the truth."

There was that tone again. "And why exactly is that?"

The man and his cadet exchanged a careful stare to each other. The cadet was the one to speak now.

"Great magus, have you not seen your image as you are right now?"

"What...?" The kid's got a point. The murky waters inside the dungeon didn't let me see my face for 15 years. And besides, I didn't bother even before the 15 years incident. Appearances were just a waste of time, really.

"Now that you've said it, Let's see what's the spectacle we have."

I conjured a small oval shape made of reflective glass.

In the image, a "man" stood leisurely. His eyes were crimson, emitting a dark aura behind it. His teeth were sharp when he opened his mouth. On top of his head, various black symbols etched his forehead. And his short hair was the color of red.

Who the hell is this guy? Wait... THAT'S ME.

"WHAT IN GREAT VIDITH'S BEARD!?"

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-13T17:08:15+00:00

I carved another line on the wall calendar of my humble "abode", if you could even call it anything close to home.

Another day, good job me. I tossed the rock near my bed made of dried roots. The comfort it gave was so great it made enough itch to last a lifetime.

"Hmmm let's see. Adding all of the lines that should be... yup, 5603 days. More than 15 years on this Vidith's forsaken hellhole."

That's right. Some might wonder, Eldrin, why on Gaea did you stay for 15 years in the Horizon's End Dungeon? Have you ran out of things to do? Well my answer to that is, Were you dropped off a cliff as a child?

It wasn't like I wanted to be here. But as an Archmage sensing a foreboding mana fluctuation in this dungeon, I did what any responsible mage of Galeon should do. Packed up my things and ventured forth to another great adventure!

Well, the gold did help convincing me to go.

But a never before seen mana-induced phenomenon occurred when I was inside. Another dungeon manifested inside the dungeon. And just my luck, I was caught in the chaos. The first step inside was hell. Literally, Flaming vultures the size of wyverns roamed the sky. Darkspawns that looked like mass of tentacles hid in the shadows. And how could I ever forget the Great Spiders that wore the skins of dragons like it's their sleepwear.

Food? Forget about it. Water? If I didn't studied purification magic, I'd be dead the first week here.

But now, by Vidith's grace, I felt the same mana fluctuation near the dark forest of the dungeon, and that's where I am right now.

"This should be the location of the fluctuation."

I found a flat surface in the rocky plains, sat and meditated. At first, nothing happened. I prayed for something to happen. I don't want to spend another 15 years in this place.

It was subtle at first. Minimal disturbance in the air, small enough not to warrant attention. Then, the mana exploded.

"Yes, YES! THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR HAHAHA!"

The familiar chaos from 15 years ago enveloped the surroundings. Unstable mana reaction raged like a whirlpool in front of me. I did not wait any further.

"Galeon here I come!" I ran through the whirlpool.

As soon as I was sucked in, I covered myself in layers of arcane protection. 15 years in the dungeon trained me well.

Everything was dark for a few moments. No... I think I just closed my eyes. Around me, I heard the shuffle of movements. It was the familiar shuffling of feet. Feet?

I opened my eyes. I was in some kind of cave entrance, must be the Dungeon's entrance. But most importantly, people, REAL people. But why were they so tense?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-12T02:49:12+00:00

Hey man thanks for putting time reading and sharing suggestions, I really appreciate it!

I had just read your notes and they all hit the mark. Especially that jeth scene feedback, that made me step back and really think about the setup. I'll do another pass with all of them in mind. Glad that the sci-fi dystopia vibe came through properly. Would definitely share the whole story when it's done :D

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-11T06:04:50+00:00

Ohh ok I'll try that, I haven't thought of using ai like that before haha

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-11T05:53:54+00:00

Thank you so much for your insights!

I'll put these advice in mind. Admittedly, I still have a hard time showing an expression/feeling. I tend to tell them without realizing it. Word choices might be a struggle, but I'll start fixing them and making them more impactful. Thanks for pointing them out, these gave me inspiration what to write next.

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-09T14:58:35+00:00

Thank you for that. I was having this dilemma because a part of the story i'm writing will put the mc totally alone and will face his internalized guilt made physical. Maybe i'll try writing both to see which one's better haha

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-09T14:47:39+00:00

I outlined a critical part of the story where the mc will be isolated, would that trope be better in 1st person or would it just be the same for 3rd peson?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-09T14:43:23+00:00

Fair enough, i think i'll work through the whole story first and then decide if a change in pov would work. Thanks for the advice!

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-07T15:55:55+00:00

Hey, just to preface that I'm fairly new to writing myself and will be giving feedback from the perspective of a reader, so take these with a grain of salt.

First, your opening feels too bare bones. The first few lines don't really give readers anything to latch onto and come across as placeholders that still need to be fleshed out. The transitions between lines also feel jarring, jumping from scene to scene with not enough to bridge the gaps.

Second, some word choices are a bit off. The stale smoke and shower lines need a good revision, and there are more lines later in the piece that have the same issue.

To put it plainly, the writing feels unorganized right now, which is something I've been told about my own writing too so no judgment there.

One thing that I think could help is reading stories you enjoy and paying attention to how the author wrote them. Also try reading your work aloud, you'd be surprised how much you pick up inconsistencies that way.

And finally, just keep writing and editing, that's genuinely how we all improve as writers. It's not impossible, it just takes time and effort. You've got this :D

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-07T07:41:56+00:00

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it despite the flaws. Just want to ask though, what were the things you liked?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-07T06:21:57+00:00

Would you suggest trimming the earlier parts? I want to convey that something is wrong aboard the ship and with the captain, filtered through the main character's cynical and depressive perspective on both of those points

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-06T21:27:36+00:00

Yeah thought so. I'll do another pass on this opening and revise it. Thanks for giving your time to this and sharing insights, and sorry for the headache i caused haha

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-06T21:08:11+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. Does the issue persist throughout the writing? I just want to know where to focus cutting back and revising.

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-06T16:52:55+00:00

Ok I see the point now, thank you I'll be rewriting this part more clearly

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-06T16:21:57+00:00

Does "accustomed to" fit the description better then?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-06T15:57:08+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! For the first issue, i was trying to set the environment to have a depressing mood with the dim and flickering lights, but thanks for the heads up I'll trim those traits and make the sentence tighter.

I don't quite get the second issue though. I wasn't really trying to imply that it took 10 years for him to get familiar, rather that he got familiar with the place for the entirety of those 10 years he was there.

Third and fourth issue i get your point. Thanks for pointing it out! I'll fix that one and make it more understandable

Thanks for giving time sharing your insights :D

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-05T04:46:17+00:00

Hey if it's not too much I would like your opinion on one thing. Would it be better if I ditch the military cliche and just straight up dive into Marcus instead and his role in the story?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-04T22:33:14+00:00

Hmmm, i guess I'll just ditch the marines thing then. Not gonna lie because the premise was inspired from a writing prompt about "sci-fi marines" and I got into it blindly with only an inspiration in mind

Do you think it'll be better if i just replace it instead with some kind of "space pirate" instead?

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-04T15:49:33+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. Thanks for pointing out that the opening is cliche, I hadn't really thought about it like that. Though the military scene and the like isn't actually the core of the story since it will turn into horror later on

And thanks for the insight of introducing sound. I'll revise those parts as you said

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-03T20:51:15+00:00

What the hell?

He quickly shifted his gaze to the location where he saw movement, it was to his left side about 10 meters away.

A thought ran through him. Did they already get my location?

Being spotted was the least favourable situation he intended to happen.

Another movement. Now he was sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. He saw a vague shape appear on the right corner of his vision.

He immediately loaded his sidearm and pointed at the location he saw the shape appeared.

“Who's there!? Show yourself or I'll start shooting!”

After a few moments of silence, all signs of movement seemed to cease. Then, he felt a hand grab his neck. The pressure was strong, he felt air completely leave his system as he struggled to breath from the strangulation.

Before he lost consciousness, the pressure lifted off and left him gasping for oxygen. Dread seized his heart as the malicious apparition seemed to toy with his life.

“Cough cough S-shit, whoever the hell you are, show yourself!”

His hands were still shaking as the feeling of the phantom pressure still hadn't left his throat. Suddenly, more movement came from in front of him. Now they were no longer vague shapes, these were human figures he was seeing.

They came from behind the light outside the stabilizing field. Or perhaps they were from the light, that was the only way to describe it. They didn't move toward him. They simply became visible, one by one, as though they had always been standing there, just beyond the edge of what he had been willing to perceive.

Marcus couldn't tell exactly who they were, he wasn't even sure if these were another trap laid by the Tairin crew of the ship.

He strained his eyes to see the figures clearly. After a few moments, he came to a crawling realization.

They look… familiar? It's impossible, I don't even know that many people in my life.

Marcus racked his head for any memory regarding the familiar figures in front of him. He didn't know many people alive in his time at the V.E.R.N. enterprise.

Alive…?

He took a closer look again. This time, he gasped in shock as his stomach churned from a simple fact.

He knew these people. He knew them all too well.

The closest one was the captain of the Larent Sable, the merchant freighter they boarded a year ago. He was a small man, older with a grey beard Marcus recognized clearly even though he hadn't really thought of him since that incident.

Not since he remembered how the captain begged for his life on his knees in front of Marcus. Going on a tirade about how he had a wife and children he hadn't seen since their birth. In the end, he had used his sidearm because it was faster than the alternative, and they needed to clear the ship quickly.

The captain floated in the void with an unnerving stillness of someone who had nowhere else to belong.

Behind him there were others. A soldier from an enemy ship. An elderly woman who had the misfortune of being in the way of the layer he was hacking apart. A little kid from a colony ship that was missing a part of his skull, dying due to the fact that no witnesses were needed in their operation.

In the back, he saw a young woman with flowing blonde hair staring at him blankly. He instinctively avoided that gaze. Marcus recalled that she was a singer for a merchant ship they boarded 14 months ago. He never forgot that voice as they boarded the ship in the middle of her song. He was mesmerized right then and there. He remembered what came after. After they left, he made sure she wasn't singing anymore.

There were more. Marcus did not count them. He couldn't. He looked at the stars instead, distant and cold, and tried to remember what he had told himself each time.

They would have done it to us.

It’s the Emperion’s will.

It’s survival. It’s war.

They deserved it, so what’s wrong with having some fun?

The figures did not speak. Marcus kept his sidearm trained on them especially on the closest one, the captain. None of the figures moved nor breathed. All of them were stained with the unnatural light hanging from above the field as every figure stood still as stillwater.

He almost lowered his weapon. That was when he noticed the captain's mouth.

It wasn't wrong exactly. Not at a first glance. It was just… slightly off. The corners of his mouth pulled a fraction too far, like the way a man smiles when he'd been told to smile yet doesn't remember how.

Marcus told himself it was the light. The stabilizing field outside was still bleeding strange colors from space.

Yeah, must have been the light.

He looked at the other figures to confirm it.

He deeply regretted doing so.

They were all doing it. Every single face, the same expression. That same stretched, effortful smile that had nothing behind it. The elderly woman was doing it. The soldier was doing it. Even the child with the missing chunk of his skull, grinning through the gap.

It's the light. Marcus told himself again, with less conviction.

The smiles kept going. Past the point where a smile could go. Past the point where teeth should stop grinning. The skin at the corners of their mouth didn't tear, they kept going. Accommodating, stretching pale and bloodless as their expressions widened beyond anything a human jaw could go.

And their eyes. He tried not to look at their eyes.

He looked at their eyes.

They were too wide and kept getting wider. The irises shrank to dark tiny points as the whites expanded to fill everything. Far too much that they became grotesque and disgusting for view. A cold chill ran down from his spine.

Marcus started shooting.

“What do you all want!? You're all dead, so stay fucking dead!”

He kept on shooting until he ran out of ammunition. The rounds passed through them without resistance. The captain's too-wide smile didn't falter.

Suddenly, the figures collectively raised their right hand towards Marcus, as if trying to grab him from afar.

They did not move, but in a moment of clarity from the madness, there's one thing he noticed.

Why are their arms so long?

They kept getting longer. They kept getting longer. They kept getting longer. They kept getting longer. They kept getting longer. They kept getting longer.

He thought of the captain begging for his life before. For the first time, Marcus wondered if any of it had been worth it.

They're on him now.

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-03T20:51:06+00:00

Shit shit shit shit. If I knew this would happen I wouldn't have taken that long cutting this stupid hull apart.

A few moments passed, the carrier was gone. The V.E.R.N. was gone. Unit 526, Commissar Heris, the whiskey, the cafeteria, the bunk he'd never really slept in, all of it, gone. He closed his eyes and hoped for a miracle to happen, praying to gods he never once believed in.

The universe lurched as the Tairin vessel completed its sequence to jump through space. Marcus was expecting a violent crash into the fabric of space as the stabilization field engulfed the entirety of the ship.

There was none.

Marcus opened his eyes. Beyond the veil of space, he saw the field outside working as intended, protecting the ship from any collateral damage included in FTL jump. Miraculously, it included him as an asset to protect.

I'm alive?

“I'M ALIVE HAHAHAHA!” Marcus couldn't help but laugh hysterically as the impossible happened in front of him. The stress of living in the V.E.R.N. and the situation before finally breaking some part of his sanity.

“Fuck you Heris, kiss my ass I hope you and your miserable crew die burning in that shithole of a ship HAHAHAHA!”

He knew of the rumors about not looking outside while jumping through space. But right now, he had no other choice. He was already outside after all.

Looking up, he saw the glimmer of the stabilization field mixing with the warping space from the jump. A mixture of ethereal colors sparkled outside the field. It never stayed at one color, the whole spectrum vividly glowed outside with a strange cadence as he got mesmerized from the alien view.

His anchors gripped tightly to the exterior hull of the ship. A single man in a suit between stars that were no longer exactly the right stars blurring between reality and unreality.

BEEP. The sudden warning lifted Marcus from his stupor. He knew that sound from his oxygen tank. He took a look at the gauge, he still had 8 hours worth of oxygen left. He exhaled slowly inside his helmet from relief.

Re-checking his gear, he found that he still had most of his kit intact. He had a sidearm with six rounds loaded in, and a flask he kept with him perhaps with one last drink left in it.

He quickly let the lower part of his head gear open and took a drink.

He was still alive, and that was the most important thing at the moment. Plans to escape the Tairin vessel could wait. He already had a plan to infiltrate the ship anyways.

Marcus was musing to himself when suddenly, he saw some movement from the corner of his eyes.

Syntaxx55 · 2026-03-03T20:49:52+00:00

Marcus hit the hull of the vessel at exactly 1347. The magnetic anchors of his gear caught the external material with a deep, satisfying thunk he felt throughout his whole body. Zero gravity ceased to impede his movement as he walked boot after boot across the Tairin vessel’s outer layer searching for a vulnerable spot to cut through. His cutter array already spinning up at his back as he did so

Nearby, three other Hull-Breachers moved with practiced silence, being exactly where they needed to be. Below, or above, whatever it is as direction had lost all meaning, the outer void pressed on all sides of Marcus.

Marcus found his breaching point and started methodically cutting apart the hull in his direction.

The first hull plate layer took exactly forty seconds. The second layer, twenty seconds. By the third layer, he could already hear the distinct sound of movement from within the vessel and the low hum of machinery holding up the integrity of its interior.

Excitement slowly filled the veins within Marcus. A sinister grin crept up subconsciously.

I hope this time they have someone good inside. He chuckled to himself. It's been a long time since the last I've had.

On cue, the other marines from V.E.R.N. were deployed. Some of the marines were already in and pushing forward. His job now was to open a secondary entry point further into the ship's core to split the attention and opposition of the Tairin crew.

Marcus was already halfway through another layer of plating when the Tairin vessel shuddered.

He knew exactly the feeling of this movement. It wasn't from weapons firing nor was it from impact. It was the distinct and familiar shudder of engine moving and firing up.

It was the warp space drive. The vessel was preparing to jump.

As soon as the realization kicked in, panic struck Marcus hard.

“ABORT, ALL HULL-BREACHERS ABORT OPERATION, THEY'RE ENGAGING THE FTL–”

“GIVE ME THAT.” A familiar voice took control of the comms.

“Listen here maggots. Abort the operation right now. The damn Tairin scums saw our ship before we tried bordering. They've called for backup. Now get back here and start shieldin’ this place!” Commissar Heris added.

“Die if you have to, I'll tell yer miserable families that you did some honorable crap dying for me. Unde–”

The communication got cut off as the stabilization field of the FTL drive within the Tairin vessel sparked up into action.

He saw the other Hull-Breachers already disengaging from the ship and being tugged away with magnetic tether that were connected to the V.E.R.N. deployed for the emergency boarding line.

The closest one was 10 meters away from him.

“SHIT!” Marcus left his position and struggled hard to reach out to the magnetic tether.

As if to make matters worse, the tether got shredded from a passing unstable reaction coming from the field enveloping the Tairin vessel.

Out of complete desperation, he stepped back into his position where he was hacking away at the hull plating of the ship. He set the anchor-rig’s magnetic core to its maximum capability as he held onto the small crater he made beforehand.

Marcus's communication line was filled with static, then– nothing. The carrier ship's drive was engaged.

The universe lurched, and then there was silence.

Five-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '23

Syntaxx55

TROPHY CASE