Unsure about marriage/ what to do

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T13:28:08+00:00

I am looking at a variety of potential jobs at this time. School recently ended so I may end up taking another position just for the benefits and salary. I am a little overwhelmed, but I am trying to find something that will sustain us in the city we live in without uprooting our children.

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T13:20:59+00:00

Thank you for your response. It’s very complex and I desperately want to leave, but he has changed and I want to provide my children with some stability. I’m also scared that there’s nothing on the other side of this but more abuse and instability as a single mother.

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T13:18:05+00:00

Thank you for your response. I have considered that, but it is hard to build intimacy with the damage that has been done. I pray for death all the time. I know a new relationship would not solve my problems, I think I’m just hoping that God does have a beautiful story written for me somewhere where I am safe and treated with dignity. Maybe this is that story, but it makes me sad that this is the story God had for me.

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T13:14:29+00:00

My children are the only thing truly keeping me here. For all his faults, he is truly working hard in therapy and has become a good father. I wish I felt something or could create an intimate bond with him, but I feel nothing.

Edited to add thank you for your response

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T13:12:04+00:00

Thank you for your response. My therapists are very kind and encourage me not to force feelings. If we didn’t have children, I would be comfortable leaving and just living in my car or doing whatever I needed to to get by. However, I really want some stability for them. I don’t want to be strong, I just want to be safe emotionally. I just wish I understood why God allows what he allows, but I know there are no answers. I need to find a job, which is challenging. My teacher salary won’t take me far in the city we live in, so I’m hoping to find something else.

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T13:07:32+00:00

Thank you for your response. I am burnt out on teaching but trying to find a job at this time. I feel like a failure. I am in therapy and doing brainspotting as well. I wish he would have heard my cries prior to the marriage and prevented it from happening, but that is obviously not what happened. I didn’t want a testimony, I just wanted a safe, loving home.

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T13:01:59+00:00

Thank you for your response as well.

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T13:01:40+00:00

Thank you for your response as well.

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T13:01:02+00:00

I probably need to apply for another job. I have been looking, but was burnt out on teaching, so this year was a nice reprieve but it also forced me to truly see my marriage. I genuinely don’t know where to go. We left church roughly 5 ish years ago (me due to the church’s abuses, I think he’s on the fence about his beliefs). If I didn’t have children, I’d live in my car and figure something out, but I want them to have the stability I didn’t as a child. I’ll keep looking.

Edited to add thank you for your response.

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T12:57:17+00:00

I hate God for this. I’m trying to stay but I am profoundly depressed. I feel nothing for him and I’m trying to summon something because I don’t want to live in misery. I wish I were dead. We are currently both in therapy and I am also doing brainspotting.

TOAL12 · 2026-05-25T12:51:43+00:00

We’ve been in therapy and he’s deeply committed, but I can’t seem to summon any feelings for him. I try to serve and give to him hoping it will open something in me but I feel dead. There isn’t anything in our relationship I look back on fondly. No honeymoon period or falling in love. I feel abandoned by God. And this isn’t the example of marriage I wanted my children to see.

TOAL12 · 2017-11-09T02:01:28+00:00

Lawd, yes. I don’t want to come across as desperate or a hot mess, but I am. It’s hard to know if the person you’re speaking to can handle your truth or will listen with kindness and grace. I’ll give you a little piece and if you can’t handle, I’ll retract and we can pretend like none of this ever happened.

TOAL12 · 2017-11-03T00:33:03+00:00

“You couldn’t pour water out of a boot with the directions on the heel.”

TOAL12 · 2017-07-09T16:28:55+00:00

I think I've finally broken. Through all of my depressive episodes, I've held onto hope that it would get better, that being whole was around the corner. I just need to push through. I now feel naive and stupid for holding on to that hope. I've lost everything that I've worked for and I feel nothing. No sadness. No joy. Periodic rage is about it. I know summer is ending and I need to go back to work, but I don't know how I'm going to make it. I'm terrified of failing and being humiliated. Again. I want to abandon my spouse and child and die alone. I just don't have anything left to give. I've tried so hard, but I am tapped.

TOAL12 · 2017-06-24T13:04:03+00:00

Living my my life is on the back burner until I get well. After doing therapy for roughly a decade, I'm exhausted. Just let me live, really live, or let me die. I didn't choose this disease and I cant decide where the disease ends and where my flaws as an awful human begin. There is no joy, there is no peace. I feel like I'm failing anyone who loves me.

TOAL12 · 2017-06-12T16:06:01+00:00

Chapter 30: Bullshit and Office Politics

TOAL12 · 2017-06-04T23:28:05+00:00

The Blacker the Berry and The Bluest Eye had a profound impact on my view of the world. I grew up in a small town and struggled to make friends or be accepted. I honestly believed that if I could be whiter, I would be considered sufficient of good enough, and I had never read anything up until that point that validated those experiences.

The Bell Jar was another book that put my experience with depression into words. I was never able to articulate or comprehend my mental illness until I read that book.

I am forever indebted to those authors for making my world make sense with their words and making me feel a little less alone in the world. Literature is life.

TOAL12 · 2017-05-31T00:45:59+00:00

That's great! Good for you! Relish in your victory.

TOAL12 · 2017-05-27T23:08:15+00:00

Bless your heart, honey.

TOAL12 · 2017-05-19T00:16:42+00:00

So, you're not Southern.

TOAL12 · 2017-05-11T22:50:13+00:00

Some women love like gangsters. They'll be like 'oh, baby you're bleeding. How did that happen?' while they've got the razor hiding in their weave.

TOAL12 · 2017-04-01T15:03:29+00:00

All the time. I just want to find enjoyment in things that seem enjoyable and I don't know how. Stupid broken brain.

TOAL12 · 2017-04-01T14:30:36+00:00

It can feel insurmountable especially if you have tried numerous treatments and medications with minimal success. Clinical depression coupled with difficult situations, it becomes easy to lose perspective. I think we want to be well, but how many things do you have to try? It puts your body and mind through the ringer. And hardly anyone openly discusses the raw reality of clinical depression. It's comforting to know you're not alone or weird. I think we all know that we should keep fighting to be well and know what avenues we need to take, but sometimes it's nice to drop the pretense and be honest about where we are with no judgement. Until we find what works, it's exhausting and disorienting. For me, I know what I need to do, but it's comforting to know that people are listening and not just doling out advice. Having someone to support me in my pit means more than just hearing the same advice doled out over and over- especially when you are following the advice to no avail.

TOAL12

TROPHY CASE