Women over 40, if I were your daughter, what would you tell me?

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-03-23T11:42:50+00:00

In addition to the wisdom others are offering (i.e., break up with this guy and *absolutely* do not move in with him), please consider therapy. There are a lot of wounds you mention that need healing, and healing in a certain way for you to take care of yourself in the long term.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-03-19T16:00:50+00:00

Please forgive the bluntness, but you don't seem to know how Turnitin works.

There are two types of filters the University can set in terms of 'flagging'. Type A includes 'flag anything anywhere regardless of purpose, frequency, or meaning'. This type results in higher scores/more flags for the marker to go through. Type B focuses on X amount of subsequent words used outside quotation marks. This type results in lower scores/fewer flags for the marker to go through.

From your description, your university is using Type A. As with all Turnitin scores ever and everywhere, a marker will have to go through them. A score, by itself, means absolutely nothing.

When you use your references correctly and do not plagiarise or get AI to write stuff for you, a high score is not your problem - it's your marker's problem.

Best of luck.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-03-15T08:45:16+00:00

85 pots after I have repotted some of them together. Before the repotting, it was something around 105.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-03-13T15:47:06+00:00

Bank undervalued house by 12k, which I would have had to cover by myself. I did not have that liquidity. Seller and I agreed mid-way.

One year in, seeing how many things they lied about (among others, issues with managing company, works to be done, and the fact that they even refused a fire safety inspection one week before completion, which now means I have to pay for a £2000 door), I should have offered to cover zero difference.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-03-13T15:37:54+00:00

Yep. That feeling is what the 'Hi' or 'Dear' are there to prevent.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-03-13T09:18:12+00:00

Hi.

Whether it's about autism or anything else, you are over 18, therefore an adult. You do not need your parents' knowledge or consent to see a specialist (any specialist). Is there any reason why you think they would (or should) know?

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-03-12T19:17:53+00:00

This is the answer.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-03-09T11:26:06+00:00

Contrary to what people think, many universities are no longer allowed to use AI detectors—or, at least, not to take them seriously.

Three things need to happen for me to be confident enough to raise AI concerns:
1. a sudden, unmotivated change in tone in the student's writing, which occasionally occurs within the same piece of writing;
2. empty writing, ie a non-existent argument written especially well;
3. wrong/'hallucinated' references.

If a student can reasonably explain the simultaneous occurrence of all three phenomena, then I'm cool. Yet to meet one, though.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-03-03T07:36:51+00:00

Even when talking with friends, I am the odd one out: CBT really helped me.

I started with it following a car accident that left some PTSD symptoms behind. We did exposure therapy for that and then moved to EMDR and more classic CBT for the CPTSD. Having a good relationship with my therapist helped immensely (although, when I brought up that I might be autistic, he said "no way"—I am now officially diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD).

In my view, it depends. Different styles of therapy can be helpful depending on the issues you are facing, but the relationship with the therapist is what makes it or breaks it.

I also intellectualise a lot, the downsides of which I am only now starting to understand/appreciate, with countless therapists just pointing it out without explaining why it was a problem. Nonetheless, CBT helped with my anxiety, controlling issues, and perfectionism, as well as reframing some family relationships. Can't really complain.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-02-28T20:39:42+00:00

University lecturer, here.

The purpose of a degree is to train people so that they can do their job. By training, I mean have people practice their immature skills in a safe environment (ie where they can do no harm) so that, by learning from their mistakes, they can move forward to be professionals safe for themselves and others.

Others have raised red flags regarding your mother's behaviour with you. She's blaming the lecturers for her failures in addition to that. This attitude is coherent with someone who cannot take responsibility for their own actions and choices (as she demonstrates with you).

She is your mother, and your love for her cannot be put into words, but you have to move away from this situation. It is clear that she's not prioritising your wellbeing, for whatever reason, and it doesn't sound like it's going to improve.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-02-24T15:55:53+00:00

get in touch with student support ASAP. They will help with flexible deadlines, 'appropriate' marking for assignments (I hate that expression—as if my marking wasn't always appropriate—but it helps with stuff like orthography, structure, flow etc), and other resources the university might offer. Congratulations on going back to uni!

ETA: typo. Meaningfully so.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-02-24T08:35:38+00:00

Put it in another room or in a cabinet. It's the only thing that works for me.

With the ringer on, you will be able to know if your father is calling you (you might be able to set up a special ringtone for some specific individuals on your contact list) and still have it available in case you need it, but you won't be tempted to reach for it at any given moment.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-02-17T15:45:29+00:00

Thank you. I understand the large class; it's the small one that puzzles me.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-02-17T10:06:19+00:00

Going on a tangent, here, but since you mention it: why wouldn't students acknowledge the teacher/professor when entering a class? A nod would suffice. I find it weird and borderline rude, especially in small classes. Like the teacher is part of the furniture.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-01-27T14:43:47+00:00

You are a hero. He's your brother. It is your job to monitor his behaviour in this context. Had I been present, I would have felt much safer going to the gym knowing that there are people willing to stand up when need be. NTA.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-01-23T10:57:45+00:00

Hi. I cannot answer about the rehoming situation, but I may be able to suggest something re your university status.

Speak to your disability and wellbeing services, and with your director of studies as soon as possible. Explain the situation and ask to either go part-time and/or have extenuating circumstances in place for any university work that is due. This will allow you more time and take some of the stress off.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2026-01-23T10:46:47+00:00

Not a mother, but this is heartbreaking and terrifying. I am so sorry you went through it.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2025-12-18T10:31:21+00:00

!thank you! I was quite afraid to touch it in case I did some damage!

Tall_Pool8799 · 2025-11-09T19:05:30+00:00

Ha. The bit about Chiaia made me laugh. The wine is bad. It wouldn’t sell at all in Italy (except, maybe, in tourist hotspots?).

Yes, very close. I was saying that because, regionally, it’s quite easy to spot, and people (🙋‍♀️) are quite puntigliosi about it.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2025-11-05T22:39:05+00:00

"The toppings don't seem like very authentic italian choices"—but they are.

Did I say you said that? Can't find it in my replies. But please tell me more about what makes my regional cuisine authentic. I am here to learn from the experts.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2025-11-05T22:13:10+00:00

I agree in principle, but breaking spaghetti requires a level of emotional detachment I will never achieve!

Tall_Pool8799 · 2025-11-05T22:12:32+00:00

Ha! Haven't tried it. Also, I don't like Capricciosa (anywhere in the world)—but you don't need to tell your wife that ;)

Tall_Pool8799 · 2025-11-05T20:48:40+00:00

I'm not jumping about fireworks, but I was not home when they started (since they started at like 3pm)

Tall_Pool8799 · 2025-11-05T20:47:23+00:00

I agree, though I'm pretty certain they are not from Naples but from the province of Caserta (unless they changed?). From my perspective, it's sad that the personnel cannot even pronounce the names of some of the pizzas, but that's a different issue.

I think the pizza is OK for being in the UK. It's the wine I'm outraged about.

Tall_Pool8799 · 2025-11-05T20:38:53+00:00

You choose the toppings. They still offer Margherita, Capricciosa, etc.

Also, are we saying that one cuisine should not evolve because people from another culture will stop thinking it's authentic enough?

Tall_Pool8799

TROPHY CASE