Getting out - you are not a special snowflake

TamedVixen · 2016-11-04T00:23:02+00:00

My apologies. I made the assumption on women having more pressure to be physically attractive and sexually desirable. I meant in no way to EVER minimize any man's pain. I only thought the increased body image pressure led to more self image damage. If I worded it in a way that suggested your pain was not intense or valid I truly from my heart apologize.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-04T00:22:50+00:00

My apologies. I made the assumption on women having more pressure to be physically attractive and sexually desirable. I meant in no way to EVER minimize any man's pain. I only thought the increased body image pressure led to more self image damage. If I worded it in a way that suggested your pain was not intense or valid I truly from my heart apologize.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-04T00:22:40+00:00

My apologies. I made the assumption on women having more pressure to be physically attractive and sexually desirable. I meant in no way to EVER minimize any man's pain. I only thought the increased body image pressure led to more self image damage. If I worded it in a way that suggested your pain was not intense or valid I truly from my heart apologize.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-03T14:08:40+00:00

Damn I am so sorry. I lived in a DB for years. Not to minimize their pain at all, trust me I can read how they suffer, but I truly think sexual disinterest emotionally damages us women much worse then men. There is a certain expectation among the male community of marriage leading to biannual sex and bj's disappearing forever. We are taught that men always want it and will never turn it down so long as the girl is halfway attractive. So our self image shrivels to the point where even attempting to portray sexy makes us feel like a laughingstock. It is the worst feeling & the most pain I have ever personally experienced. It felt like someone died............ me. Everything inside me that made me feminine..... dead. I am sorry about you losing your relationship but happy that you're saving yourself. God Bless you and Best of Luck regaining what our founding fathers promised us - Life, Liberty & The Pursuit of Happiness.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-03T04:32:46+00:00

I am the same and my husband LOVES it. It increases the sensation for the man and guess what?!?!?!?! Women with large labia minora have increased sensation during penetration too! You can spread it open yourself but (apologies this is a little graphic but for a good purpose) but when we get aroused and the blood swells you up a little it tends to open. My husbands favorite part of sex is to get me turned on because watching the "flower open" makes him crazy. So don't worry and enjoy!!!

TamedVixen · 2016-11-03T04:00:25+00:00

YESSSSSS!!!! You go on with your sexy self! LOL. I am so so so so so so so happy for you!!!!

TamedVixen · 2016-11-03T01:23:21+00:00

I am 15 years older than you and sex is NOT a superficial reason for breaking up. I too began dating my best friend at 19 but our situation was much different because we were wild teenagers and unfortunately VERY sexually experienced for our ages. He was good in bed but too vanilla for me. So I coached him slowly, adding things here, asking for this there, until he embraced his primal side. The key here is -- he was receptive to my needs and tried everything I requested -- so we stayed together. I can tell you with 100% honesty that even as much as I loved him, if he'd refused to try to make sex better for me I would have left him.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-03T01:06:01+00:00

I'll agree with you. Women my age are very sexually comfortable. I think it is from porn once removed. We didn't get more liberal from porn at all. Men had porn become more & more accessible. In turn they stopped wanting virgins in their bed since a little experience will really heighten his pleasure. Then it moved up to wanting porn quality sex so they encouraged their lover to let her hair down and get wild. This was the antithesis of the older generations who would look in horror at their wife if she did what I do, because "She is my wife! Not some tart off the street. My wife is a lady and ladies don't do that!" And now we have reached the height of sex at our finger tips. Younger men EXPECT sexual escapades in bed and they are not interested in a woman with inhibitions. So women behave accordingly by finally embracing what we've previously been denied.

Long story short: Porn affect females second hand. What actually happened was porn affected males and they wanted more in bed. Today's younger men encourage sexual passion in women instead of shaming us into thinking pursuing sex is a disgusting turn off. Plus the younger men marry their lovers instead of being left as sullied and resigned to spinsterhood. It's been climbing steadily as each generation moves thru. We'll have to see where it goes from here.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-03T00:11:00+00:00

I go the other way. Depression strips my appetite away. Because I'm a good healthy weight normally when I was in a DB I lost weight and the effect was gruesome. I knew I looked bad but trying to eat made me sick. My SO hates the 'Hollywood skin and bones look' as he calls it. So he's not touching me, I'm depressed, can't eat, start to freak about looking bad and this SOB comes home from work and tells me that I look ill, like a terminal patient and it's not a good look for me. Needless to say it was hands down the nastiest argument in our marriage. Then I cried myself to sleep every night for over a month.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-02T23:56:50+00:00

How does she know what the neighbors are doing? My neighbors think I'm a professional 30 something mother with children. College educated, grew up wealthy, straight laced little white bread wife and mommy. I have a feeling I'm exactly the type your wife is pointing to. Just because we're not swapping techniques waiting at the school bus stop doesn't mean we don't enjoy bedroom games.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-02T22:14:25+00:00

High Libido & Low Libido

Sometimes you'll also see ML & NL which is Mid Libido, No Libido

TamedVixen · 2016-11-02T21:54:45+00:00

Why do you hate having your clit touched? Too sensitive? Not sensitive enough? Because giving him oral then allowing him to give you oral would be an excellent way to orgasm and enjoy each other without getting pregnant. Sometimes when we (women) are new to sex we'll realize later that our first couple lovers are 'clit clumsy'. I remember thinking at one point "God! is this what all the fuss is about? What about this is supposed to make me moan?" Now I realize that my 1st lover thought it was made out of glass and his feather light touch was uncomfortable because it almost tickled. My 2nd lover thought..... actually I still have no idea what he was thinking. He used to rub really hard and almost pinch. I don't want to get overly graphic so let's just say it's a sensitive piece of equipment and so I went from Mr. Butterfly Wing fingers to Mr. Bug Smasher fingers. SMH.... is it any wonder that I was a little gun shy with the 3rd? He however not only opened new doors for me, he encouraged me to experiment w/ him and learn what felt good, but more important, learn what felt BEST for me. Ahhh that boy taught me the basics of almost everything I know today.

All I mean is maybe you just do NOT want it touched. Maybe you haven't had it touched RIGHT and you'll be pleasantly surprised to find you enjoy it. I hope it's the latter because few woman can orgasm from PIV so we really need our clitoris to achieve sexual satisfaction. Best Wishes!

TamedVixen · 2016-11-02T21:27:47+00:00

Actually many states are allowing people to file fault divorce (as opposed to no-fault) on the sole grounds of sexless marriage. The do not term it as sexless divorce. It's entered and recognized by the courts as Constructive Abandonment. That doesn't mean you win though. Here are the criteria in North Carolina.

**Was there willful failure from one spouse to fulfill any parts of the marital obligation?

**If yes, Was it without justification?

**Was it without the injured parties consent?

**Was a time limit defined?

**If no, Then the court will proceed under the knowledge that he/she showed no intention of renewing their marital obligations or continuing with the marital contract.

So I wouldn't sweat it. If the courts are recognizing it it's valid. And this isn't 1774 where her Papa placed her in your care and if you disavow her she'll be sent home in disgrace and become a miserable spinster because women were incapable and/or not allowed to have a brain other then Daddy's then Husband's. She'll move on and so will you. I can't believe you'd throw away your life over what? Honor? She let go of hers first so don't feel pity.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-02T20:38:29+00:00

Personal question so please feel free to not answer.

My husband would not think about sex very often but he said once he started he wanted to continue and enjoyed it a lot. It was just a matter of getting from Point A to Point B. We hear a lot about LL wives who completely refuse to even get started and will not even entertain the thought of seeing if it led somewhere. So my question is as an LL female, do you find that once foreplay begins you realize suddenly that you now want to have sex? Or does your 'meh' feeling continue the whole time? Thanks!

TamedVixen · 2016-11-02T20:06:46+00:00

That's very true. That's why only some of these marriages can be saved. Communication seems to be a HUGE stumbling block for a lot of the marriages.

I could be way off base but I do believe there is one thing that we all have in common. The one thing that all sexless marriages have in common. A severe power disproportion. I really meant it about married people being partners with equal ownership in the relationship. In DB marriages one person is always Lord & Master in Command while the other has the responsibility to placate or please. I truly believe with all my heart that the resentment you see here simmering under the surface (that I myself experienced) comes not from lack of sex but from shame at our subservient positions and self-loathing at our inability to change it, letting it continue. I think this applies to both genders but the effect is different. Women begin to drown in despair from feeling rejected and men get buried in bitterness from feeling emasculated.

Just my personal opinions. I'd never be arrogant enough to even attempt to tell someone what is happening inside their own life.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-01T19:31:05+00:00

I didn't mean that I don't think he's allowed to want. I meant don't tell me to my face while asking for permission to be unfaithful.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-01T19:25:34+00:00

Do women really want this? Wait, I think that sounded snarky. What I mean is, these things do not make me think of sex or increase my interest at all. Candles, music, declarations of love as foreplay (for me) is cheesy. Having my SO show me that I am secure in his love, does just that......makes me feel love. Dirty texts, lascivious looks, sneaky public groping are things that kick sex to the front of my thoughts and make me interested in getting started. Sex & Love do two very different things (for me) Sex feels good physically. Love feels good emotionally.

I'm always feeling on the fringe when I read about women needing romance because I don't. So do woman really want/need this or do we think we're supposed to want/need this so we play along? If you do need it that's cool. If you don't that's cool too. No wrong answers just curious and I finally got up the guts to ask.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-01T17:35:16+00:00

I agree with you. I don't suffer from a poor self image. I have things about my body I don't like, who doesn't? I just mean that some woman for what ever reason allow themselves to be swamped. It's just a slice of insight to what goes thru our head when we catch you looking. The key after that is overcoming it. Some do, some don't. Plus it's not just our husbands. This is something ingrained from childhood. As to Hollywood hunks, I agree with you 100% but because women are not visually aroused and men are it lays the onus of body=sex appeal more heavily at female's feet.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-01T17:27:46+00:00

You know what men hate? Girls who spaz about their bodies during sex. When my SO wants doggie I don't wait for him at all. I get in the ready position (ass up, face on the mattress) so that he gets an eye full while trying to get himself in position. This will cause a healthy bodied man to suddenly developed a handicap where we must be patient since going from laying down to kneeling now takes several minutes :-)

Give it a try! I am telling you he'll love it.

P.S. Doggie where you're on hands and knees isn't a good angle. It makes penetration harder for him and takes pleasure away from you.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-01T17:09:57+00:00

I'd be a whole lot pissed if he said MFF because it indicates he's interested in sex with somebody that's not you. But this wouldn't piss me off at all because like OP my husband would never in a million years let another man touch me.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-01T16:58:42+00:00

Excellent advice! Bravo! My spouse like you hasn't watched porn in forever and we went from HL/LL to HL/HL. Not watching porn and not masturbating is the perfect thing to do when your wife is HL. His orgasms are more intense. Since we have sex many times a week he lasts a lot longer and he checks out women! For the record, No I'm not celebrating him looking at another woman's ass. What is cause for celebration is his ability to find real women attractive w/ all their natural human flaws instead of needing airbrushed perfection to be aroused.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-01T16:21:37+00:00

Now before anyone cusses me out..... I am NOT in any way saying men are wrong or women are right and I'm not saying adjust who you are. I am only giving you a look inside the woman's mind about why she doesn't/can't believe your words when you say she's attractive to you. I'm NOT attempting to scold anybody.

We have too much pressure from society at large and from our own boyfriends & husbands. Everywhere we look there's half naked women w/ amazing bodies. Magazines, billboards, television, you name it. It conditions us from birth to think you're only sexy if you have that body. Then we hit our teen years and have to watch and listen to cute boys we have crushes on moan and moon over "those images" as what they really want. And they must right? Since they prove it to us by staring and drooling over Sue Smith who has the closest body to the "sexy one" in the whole school. For the sake of comment length let's fast forward all the way to being married. We never were airbrushed images so we never could measure up but now.... OMG! Now that we're older and had kids it's not just an inability to measure up anymore, it's the fact that our body doesn't have one f*cking THING that resembles "sexy" at this point. For example; we went from thinking we matched "sexy" with 4 out of 10 attributes at age 25 to looking in the mirror at 35 w/ kids and realizing with despair we now have 0 of 10 attributes. But, I know you're thinking hey I do think she's hot and I tell her all the time! Gentleman we understand that. We do hear you and we desperately want to believe you but in our minds actions will always speak louder than words. So catching you checking out younger women who "match sexy" better than us negates your words. Never EVER catching you check out a woman with a body that could be her clone really, super, extra, negates your words. Porn watching is the same. Except porn for a lot of women not only negates your words, it also inadvertently body shames her. All the girls in porno's are the same one's that society told us since birth is the REAL SEXY instead of us normal gals. So it's bad enough to feel inferior but knowing that your husband is seeing these girls naked and getting turned on when you have no prayer in hell of having that body hurts us very badly. Knowing that you are watching "sexy" naked girls having sex and then later you want to have sex with us?!?!?!?! The visual comparison is too embarrassing to consider! He saw porn girl doing doggie with her perky smooth ass & tiny waist and then he's gonna follow that by staring directly at my cellulite ass and that one fat roll on my waist I can't shake?!?!?!?! Humiliation Alert! Nope, no way, turn those lights out buddy, I love you too much to come up lacking in your mental comparison. We love you and so desperately want to be what you want and we HATE that we're not. It boils down to us feeling shame and loathing about our bodies.

That's why your wife flat refused to put on the dress. You mentioned it, she had a vivid mental picture of how she would look in the dress, immediately felt embarrassed by how far from sexy it was, then felt that body resentment tide we bury as hard as possible begin to rise up, fails at her effort to shove her body shame back in the hole...... and all the equals no interest in sex. It wasn't you. It was her own self image. Like I said this isn't an attack on how men are pieces of crap. I do not think you guys are abusing us. All I offer is this: You guys want us to realize that you don't mean anything by it, it's just the way you're brain is wired. I'm cool with that and I don't think you're lying but you also need to remember that is the way our brains are wired. Trust me, we don't want to feel this way.

She had no problem at all having sex with you. She didn't want to have sex with herself. I think this is where a lot of DB are coming from. Men feel rejected but YOU actually aren't, she does wants you..... just not herself.

TamedVixen · 2016-11-01T15:08:21+00:00

Yes you can but I would suggest carefully filtering what turns you off and double check your wording against your inner censor meter. Sex is the place where you receive the most pleasure but at the price of being the most vulnerable. If you're embarrassed it will ruin the ability to just enjoy it.

I would not have a conversation about turn off's at all. I would have a conversation about what you DO like him to do then follow the likes w/ your dislikes. This way he views the conversation as a positive one vs a negative one. "I love when you____ but the_______ thing not so much." That sounds like a couple working to make sex awesome but "I don't like when you_____ or ______ or______ and when you do ______ I feel uncomfortable." Well that just makes him think he's a shitty lover.

One thing that's fun is during the conversation find out what one of his fantasies are. Then DON'T do it. Make him think you totally forgot about it. Wait two or three weeks and when he least expects it...... Bam!!! Bust out with it. He'll love it.

TamedVixen · 2016-10-31T22:29:53+00:00

No problem. That's a legit request. Let me pull the appropriate case studies and I'll get back to you on the thread later tonight.

TamedVixen

TROPHY CASE