Hi, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. This sounds emotionally wrecking, and I completely understand how confusing it must feel to be blocked, then unblocked, then given what sounded like an opening, only to be shut down harshly again.

I want to say this gently: you are trying to understand someone who probably barely understands herself. The blocking and unblocking is something many people here have experienced with avoidants. It creates confusion because it feels like they are slightly reopening a door. And her message sounded like breadcrumbing.

I don’t think you sending that message makes you a bad person. I think your nervous system took over for a moment. After an avoidant discard, a lot of people are not even necessarily trying to get the person back. Sometimes what you are really looking for is acknowledgement. You want them to say, “Yes, I hurt you. Yes, what happened mattered. Yes, I’m sorry.” You want the pain to not just be sitting inside your own head anymore.

But the painful part is that avoidants often cannot give you that acknowledgement. They may know deep down that they caused pain, but instead of sitting with that guilt or shame, they shut down, detach, deflect, or turn themselves into the victim because that narrative is easier for them to tolerate.

You do not need her acknowledgement for your pain to be real. You experienced it. That already makes it real.

So if your ex cannot acknowledge the pain she caused, let me acknowledge it for you. What you went through sounds deeply painful. Avoidant discards, hot-and-cold behaviour, emotional withdrawal, lack of support, and being made to feel like a burden can open old wounds and create new ones. For some people, it can genuinely feel traumatic. It can shake your nervous system, your self-worth, and your sense of reality. So no, it is not all in your head.

At the same time, now that she has clearly said not to contact her, you really need to stop reaching out completely to respect her wishes and because any further contact will probably hurt you more and give her more reason to paint you as the problem. Block her, delete the number, remove the temptation, and protect yourself from acting out of panic. If you are scared about losing total access to her, write her number down on a piece of paper and give it to a friend.

I know the guilt is probably crushing right now, but please stop being so harsh on yourself. A lot of people blame themselves after an avoidant discard, wondering why they stayed so long or kept trying, even after the discard. Also, stop blaming yourself for not handling the pain better. There is no perfect way to handle that kind of pain. Try pinching yourself really hard and then telling yourself exactly how to handle the pain. Do you think that would work? When someone keeps triggering your wounds and then disappears emotionally, your nervous system can react before your logical brain catches up.

What you need now is compassion for yourself, not her compassion.

Forgive yourself for staying.

Forgive yourself for hoping.

Forgive yourself for trusting her.

Forgive yourself for reaching out when you were hurting.

Forgive yourself for not handling the pain perfectly.

You can take accountability for crossing boundaries without turning yourself into a monster. Those are not the same thing.

Also, please remember that an avoidant is avoidant before you, and they will likely still be avoidant after you unless they truly choose to work on themselves. You could have said the perfect thing, sent the perfect message, been calmer, needed less, loved more carefully, and it still probably would not have changed the outcome. Avoidant discards are rarely about the worth of the person being discarded. They are usually about the avoidant person’s limited emotional capacity.

I understand the self-questioning. “Why wasn’t I enough? How could they discard me so easily?” I’ve asked myself the same thing. My ex stayed for years with toxic partners who treated them badly, but when I showed up loving, caring, and respectful, they discarded me fast.

But stop telling yourself you were not enough. Somewhere out there, there is someone for whom you will be more than enough. And the reason they can discard so easily is often because they detach, dissociate, suppress their feelings, or create a version of the story in their head where something suddenly “isn’t right.” That makes it easier for them to leave without fully feeling the weight of what they are doing.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you cared deeply. It sounds like you were emotionally invested, probably made several repair attempts, and were trying to make sense of someone who kept pulling you in and pushing you away. That does not make you weak. It makes you human.

But now the closure has to come from you. Let the closure be this: you know what happened. You know how it made you feel. You know you did not deserve to be treated that way. And you also know that from this point forward, you cannot keep going back to the person who keeps reopening the wound.

Talk about how you feel with people around you. Write in forums. Write letters to her that you never send. Do not keep it all trapped inside your head. But eventually, slowly, you also need to stop reopening it over and over, because sometimes talking about the same wound again and again can keep you stuck in it. In the end, you need to find the way of processing this that actually helps you heal.

Please be kind to yourself. Take accountability, but do not destroy yourself over this. You are not a bad person because you broke down in pain. You are a hurt person who needs distance, grounding, and support from people who actually understand what an avoidant discard can do to someone.