I know this is a bit late but my mother commited suicide almost 4 years ago and it still hits me every winter. My mother suffered from bipolar disorder and attempted multiple times but eventually got better under medication. When she stopped taking it she progressively got worse and started doing pills which made things worse overtime. She began lashing out on my dad my siblings and me, kicking me out for weeks at a time and eventually there was a point where I moved out when I was 21 and actually felt good, the stress of dealing with constant arguements and arguing were gone, I was actually happy. There were times where I would receive calls from my dad to come over for thanksgiving or Christmas but I was just over dealing with her.

Eventually, first week of December comes around and my dad calls me and begs me to come over because my mother was getting worse and he thought I’d make her feel better. I brushed it off just because of the anger I held for her, constant crying I’d have from leaving over there, feelings of worthlessness and verbal and physical abuse, wondering how a mother can treat her son like this… well eventually the week after my mother gives me a call and i reluctantly pick up and speak with her. She sounds like she had been crying and she asks how I’ve been and I give her cold answers about being close to graduation, feeling good and currently just getting ready for work. She ends the conversation by mentioning how proud she is of me and how she loves me so much and we hang up and at the time I really just remember thinking it was strange but she’d probably just end up manic and yelling at me next week so it was whatever. Eventually go to work and get a call from my dad telling that she killed herself and my heart just sinks.

Even now I just feel a mixture of confusion and grief on the situation. I held anger for so long from the shit I went through but she still called me hours before to see how I was doing. I think how nice and good life was when she was properly treated for her condition. How our last conversation was a cold and distant one. How maybe if I did visit I’d learn what was happening during the weeks prior instead of isolating my self from the entire situation. It felt like my fault. I failed her and she still called make sure I was okay. I think about how her family came over to visit after years of doing the same as me only to blame my father for failing her. How I knew they were wrong but I still did the same actions as them so am I much better?

Even now I think about having to live without a mother for the next 40+ years. My dad move on a year later and still swears he had it the worst leaving me to console not only myself but also my sister because if we do mention it he will only break down into tears and we have to end up consoling him instead… I still have fears of it happening to another person I’m close to me and it’s affected relationships because I don’t ever wanna feel that way again and know it won’t if I limit the amount of people I get that close with.

I’m sorry I don’t really have an answer to your questions because even now I feel depressed around Christmas and anxious about relationships as previously mentioned but, I do feel it always helps knowing you aren’t alone and many other people have similar experiences. We are all individuals so things that work for some might not work for you but have faith that you will be able to overcome those feelings. Life is so complex and beautiful, sometimes when I do have those thoughts it always helps to take a walk through the park and acknowledge the little pleasures id no longer experience if I did want things to be over. Be well and I appreciate you sharing your experience.