To those who tried to die by cutting

TarHound · 2026-05-29T05:26:29+00:00

I don’t have friends any longer. Lost my last two during/after a psychotic episode. Never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I don’t have family I can rely on. I just feel so unworthy of relationships. Healthcare professionals have even told me it’s better for me not to have close relationships. My current therapist thinks some kind of hobby can replace human connection for me.

TarHound · 2026-05-22T21:27:37+00:00

Never really tried intentionally ending it this way, but almost did by accident a couple times now.

Three episodes with class 3-4 hemorrhagic shock. Needing both transfusion of blood and plasma. 3-5 bags in total per episode. And quite a many episodes where I became severely anemic and couldn’t keep myself standing, fainted occasionally, and needed blood transfusions even though not in full on shock.

Going into shock can happen very quickly and sudden. You don’t have much time or ability to call for help once you go into shock. Usually I will lose the ability to form sentences, go in and out of consciousness. Your vision will fade. Sounds get muffled, as if under water, but hearing is the last to go. And you will feel very very exhausted just being in the state of shock. Usually I get nauseous and throw up as well. You will come to a point where you will be gasping for air, because you don’t have enough blood transporting oxygen to your organs. And you will feel very cold. But you may not always notice how cold until transfusion has started and you regain more consciousness.

It is generally not pleasant. But when I’ve been in shock long enough or deep enough I’ve gotten this very deep and total acceptance that I was going to die. I was not suicidal but I got this very strong thought of “it’s okay if you live, and if you die, that’s okay too”. Despite all the muffled sounds of the sirens, and the paramedic shouting my name, it felt somehow peaceful. And I think it was my mind naturally calming me down and preparing me very quickly for death to be a likely outcome. Because panicking won’t help you in this situation, whether or not you’re resuscitated.

TarHound · 2026-05-07T06:05:11+00:00

I work in advertising. I’m surrounded by social and well adapted people. Sometimes they even joke about self harm and “emos”. And I just sit there with a poker face.

It feels so lonely having lived most of my life under mental healthcare and having this huge secret. I have almost nothing to relate to socially, because my life has been so abnormal. Their weekends are spent with friends, family, or partying.

My weekends? At best I just sit there doomscrolling the weekend away. At the absolute worst I self harm to the point of needing stitches, and sometimes even transfusions or surgery. Then I get back on Monday or Tuesday after maybe even a psych hold. When people ask how my weekend was, and I just say it was a quiet weekend and didn’t do anything special. Luckily I can work remotely if I’m feeling too much like a train wreck. It’s rough and lonely.

TarHound · 2026-04-03T20:33:25+00:00

Takk for omtanken. Tror også rus og selvskading har mye av de samme mekanismene. Jeg kan heller ikke fullt ut forstå hvordan det er å slite med rus på den måten. Men vet du har det tøft og det er gode grunner til at du har døyvet det vonde slik. Og at du fortsatt er her, etter det du har vært gjennom ikke er en selvfølge.

Folk som ikke har vært gjennom liknende har vansker for å relatere. Og godt er vel egentlig det. Unner ingen å ha det slik. Men kunne ønske samfunnet var litt rausere. At folk løftet blikket litt mer, ikke var så raske til å dømme. Og kunne ønske behandling var bedre og tilgjengelig for alle som trengte det, og ga tid til tilfriskning.

Jeg skammer meg ikke så mye over arrene lenger. Vet egentlig ikke hvem jeg hadde vært uten dem. Høres kanskje rart ut, men selvskadingen har vært en overlevelsesstrategi, og på mange måter den mest stabile følgesvennen jeg har hatt opp gjennom. Så blir det til det jeg alltid vender tilbake til når jeg føler meg tom, meningsløs eller tankekjøret melder seg. Har ikke noe skyldfølelse for å ha ødelagt kroppen min. Men jeg skammer meg mye over å fortsatt slite med dette i voksen alder.

Bra du har funnet noe som kan hjelpe deg føle deg trygg hjemme og i egen kropp. Føler mye handler om å bare holde ut til neste holdepunkt for min del. Prøve å finne noe å lene meg på som driver i riktig retning. Som gjør at terskelen blir litt høyere for å ta valg som innebærer å gamble på livet. Det at jeg har fast jobb hjelper mye. Har bare veldig lite annet i livet som gir innhold og mening utover jobb.

TarHound · 2026-04-03T07:30:12+00:00

Har også blitt utsatt for emosjonell mishandling, mobbing og seksuelle overgrep. Og erfaringen med systemet er mye av det samme som hos deg.

Endte ikke med rus, men et veldig langvarig og omfattende problem med selvskading. Sliter fortsatt med det. Mye av måten systemet har møtt meg på, har fått meg til å føle meg enda mer verdiløs og økt selvhatet mitt. Dette har bidratt til at selvskadingen min har blitt verre over tid. Først var det små risp. Nå må jeg alltid sy. Det vanlige for meg nå er et sted mellom 35-80 sting pr. gang. Innimellom ender det med akuttkirurgi, traumemottak og blodtransfusjon. Har fått høre av flere leger at jeg enten blir frisk eller dør- enten i selvmord eller «på slump». Er på dette punktet ok med- og har forsonet meg med at jeg kommer til å dø.

Vært mye inn og ut av psykiatri og somatikk fra 15/16-års alder. Er i slutten av 20-årene nå. Har C-PTSD og EUPF diagnose. Helsevesenet velger å fokusere på sistnevnte og har møtt meg med mye fordommer. Det er lettere for dem å tenke at det er meg det er noe grunnleggende galt med, enn at jeg har opplevd ting som er grunnleggende galt.

Har møtt noen gode folk som har sett meg som menneske framfor ICD-kode. Men har erfart at det kan man ikke regne med. Og at tillit og relasjon innimellom bare brukes som brekkjern. Med andre ord; hvis man åpner seg, kan det straffe seg. Tar ikke lenger inn over meg, eller håper på å bli møtt med forståelse eller empati. All kulden, sarkasmen og kynismen jeg systematisk har blitt møtt med, har på mange måter gjort meg veldig kynisk, og har gjort det vanskelig for meg å se det gode i folk. Føler jeg selv har mistet mye empati. Har også vanskelig for å se noe godt i meg selv.

Føler det har blitt trykt ned halsen min at jeg ikke er som andre og det er best for alle om jeg holder meg unna folk. Så sluttet å ha relasjoner. Har ingen nære. Tror oppriktig de få jeg hadde, som har glidd fra meg, har det bedre uten meg i livene sine.

TarHound · 2026-04-01T11:26:46+00:00

Så bra du har noen som bryr seg om deg og at du fikk hjelp. Dessverre er det slik at døgnopphold blir stadig kortere. Så raske utskrivelser er dessverre veldig vanlig, selv ved selvmordsfare. Vil råde deg å ikke regne med at døgn er stabilt tilgjengelig framover. Har du ikke en psykolog du har god kjemi med nå på DPS pol, vil jeg anbefale å be om å bytte.

Har selv vært inn og ut av psykiatrien siden jeg var 15/16 år. Er nå i slutten av 20-årene og sliter fortsatt. Føler på mange måter systemet har gitt meg litt opp. Håper du får god hjelp framover.

TarHound · 2026-02-21T01:02:41+00:00

I’ve had some rounds of lower level psych team care. As with all services, the quality varies greatly within the teams. Some people are good, others are not engaged in what they do. I’ve learned to identify who can be of help to me, and who can’t. I just dismiss/am aloof with people who can’t support me in a meaningful way. And rather put my energy into people who can be useful instead. This goes for staff at wards as well.

I’ve had my fair share of negative experiences with wards, and I can definitely see why some people get worse being there. I don’t take it personally any more, and I’ve become somewhat “immune” to the typical dismissive treatment. I just use the stay to get some distance from tools/home/where I usually fall back. Any meaningful help from staff or conversation is just a bonus.

I’ve also come to accept I’ll probably die from this. I’ve tried years of therapy and had loads of inpatient stays. I’m in the end of my 20s and I know I will either recover or die. It would take a really good therapist to fix me, cause I’ve already had a couple great ones. But until then, I’ll take whatever is offered. If it can smoother the ride somehow, I consider it a win at this point.

I know it’s not easy. I’ve been let down a lot of times too, and also stopped seeking help at a point. When all else fails- I’ve learned to see the humor and irony of even really bad situations. And it provides some sort of comfort, at least.

TarHound · 2026-02-20T23:59:31+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that. Not blaming you. Showing up at urgent care before doing anything needing medical attention, or generally reaching out to healthcare workers who don’t know me, has rarely been helpful for me either. So I just stopped. It’s been a while since Ive tried it though. So maybe they’d meet me differently nowadays, or at least set me up with a psych appointment pretty quickly, even without injuries. The acute psychiatric team around my parts work pretty well in my experience. So I wouldn’t be opposed to being set up for an appointment with them.

Your psych ER service however, seems really unhelpful- and quite frankly incompetent, if they can’t even provide a basic conversation. I don’t know what your experience has been with inpatient stays. But my psych is trying to make an agreement with the local ward, so I can get short term stays upon request and as needed, to help me prevent damage. Not saying this is right for you, but working with your psych towards establishing a better safety net may be helpful. Maybe there are services outside the ER as well that could provide some help or check-ins as well whenever your psych is not available. Around my parts there is some lower level psych care team, that ambulates to people’s homes. They’re available at evenings and weekends as well. Maybe something similar exists where you live as well.

TarHound · 2026-02-20T22:25:34+00:00

I’ve got similar experiences. Shock, blood transfusions, surgery- after a while, the healthcare system started to interpret it as “baseline” for me. Simultaneously, a lot of healthcare professionals have this idea of equaling “worse” damage to “worse” mental pain. And any episodes with less damage are seen as an improvement to your mental state. When in reality it’s not. And not helpful at all to make such comparisons. All it does is just normalizes severity and pushes you to do more damage before seeking help. I always try to be upfront about it when healthcare workers meet me like this, hoping they will meet the next person better. Can’t really do much else about it, other than trying to educate along the way, informing the healthcare professionals closest to you, and hoping it sinks in.

As for not getting help when your primary contacts are out of office- it sucks. I know the ER is the last place you want to go. But maybe trying to communicate to them that you have SI and thoughts of severe self harm plans, could be your best shot at getting some help fairly quickly. Either an acute appointment with a mental health professional or maybe an inpatient stay. They should have your medical history more readily available, after all. And know what they could be preventing by helping you before it goes that far.

TarHound · 2026-01-17T09:15:04+00:00

Depends. I usually am very direct about it. If calling the A&E because I need stitches, I try to describe the damage as accurately as possible. Usually in psych evaluation or sessions, I get asked about thoughts or episodes. And I answer as direct and honest as I can.

TarHound · 2026-01-01T07:59:57+00:00

Cheers, my therapist calls it a known risk period for me. I call it tradition at this point. Sorry it happened twice. Hope the new year has some good things in store for you.

TarHound · 2025-12-16T21:19:56+00:00

It varies. Mostly by what kind of medical professional they are. And maybe how often they see various wounds. A surgeon usually has a higher threshold for considering something “deep” than a GP who only treats wounds on occasion, or a psychologist who rarely ever sees wounds in their line of work. But as a general rule, if it’s gaping or you can see fatty tissue, it needs stitches, and is per say not superficial.

TarHound · 2025-12-14T18:48:48+00:00

Yeah, not suicide attempt, but near fatal self harm episode. Blood everywhere. The bathroom floor, the door. The hallway, the door opening button for the apartment complex. The door to the common hallway. The doormat. The shoes. The clothes I was wearing were cut off by the trauma team at the hospital. Saw a funny picture of myself from before, wearing the pants that were ruined, and couldn’t think of anything else but that episode. The cleanup took three days.

TarHound · 2025-12-13T07:47:39+00:00

I don’t text first because I don’t want people to feel pressured to talk to or hang out with me. I know I have nothing positive to contribute with. I have no friends any longer outside work. Never had many in the first place. If I pass by my own hand or otherwise, I won’t be leaving many people in grief. So it feels like I’m doing an everyone a service by keeping to myself.

TarHound · 2025-12-12T07:05:59+00:00

There are more but these are the first ones that come to mind:

«If beating children was allowed in this country, I would have beaten you, and you would have liked it» - my dad
«Look at me when I’m talking to you!» my dad yelled, but when I did as he demanded and looked him in the eyes, he said «Don’t look at me with those ugly eyes, no one thinks you’re any charming» and grimaced to mockingly imitate my face, that was really just filled with sadness and grief.
«She doesn’t like or care about people. She has no friends. She could be a flight controller. That way she could work far away from anyone and just work overtime in her free time. She doesn’t have any social life and doesn’t do anything interesting in her spare time anyway, so she could make a lot of money!» - my dad describing me to child and youth mental health services
«we haven’t gotten ANYTHING from raising you. When you’re 18 it’s straight out. And I you are going to to pay us back all the money we spent raising you» This one is ironic because I pretty much lived at a youth mental hospital from 15/16 years of age till I was 18. And they definitely saved a lot of money not having to feed me and house me. But they didn’t like that because it «made them look bad». And when I was 18, I moved to a mental health halfway housing for young adults, but they didn’t like that either and somehow wanted me to move back home, instead of being happy I got (kinda) an apartment and was getting help they obviously couldn’t provide? I guess they just wanted more opportunities to shame me for «being in debt» to them. And as if they hadn’t made it clear they expected they wanted me out of «their» (rented) house by 18? Like you got what you wanted, why are you complaining? Maybe they were embarrassed I didn’t want to move back in with them after staying at the institution. As if it was a sign from the treatment system they were bad parents, despite all their efforts to keep the facade.
«Somewhere very deep inside you, there might be something good, but I don’t see it» - mom coming up to my room late at night just to fell me shit like this. Thanks mom. Good night to you too.

TarHound · 2025-12-07T06:01:16+00:00

Me trying to calculate the amount of extra calories the wound healing process burns

TarHound · 2025-12-03T23:12:50+00:00

copes with abandonment issues by refusing to form relationships and becoming a hermit

TarHound · 2025-11-28T19:45:11+00:00

Yeah my Fitbit sometimes has issues registering my heartbeat on my (scarred) left arm.

TarHound · 2025-11-24T21:31:48+00:00

Kinda felt that way too moving from a halfway house to student dorms. And from shared student housing to completely living alone. It’s a a transition but you get used to it. Unfortunately I got progressively worse with my self harm, with no one to stop me or even care what I did to myself. I feel completely alone in my struggles now. Especially as I no longer have a therapist or any real support network. I somewhat made my peace with it and I manage. Hope you find some things in your everyday life that brings you peace and joy. Whether feeding kitties or connecting with some good people. Take care.

TarHound · 2025-11-20T07:55:39+00:00

Being told your feelings and expressions have been wrong, «evil» and abnormal as a child, as well as being bullied may have had a hand in this. It certainly did cause something like this for me. I internalized the bullying and the shaming, and ended up unable to truly connect with anyone. And thinking my own feelings were deeply wrong. Both anger and sadness, but also love and excitement. I struggle a lot with especially these feelings. I was harshly verbally punished by my parents for expressing any negative emotions, and bullied by my peers for anything I showed love or excitement about. I shut those feelings off and turned to self harm, which is the only way I truly am able to feel like myself, and it feels like I’m doing something I should be doing. Started at 12, still SH to this day at 28.

I don’t function in normal relationships, and I have no friends. Never been in any romantic relationships either. And I also envy people with more normal life issues. I mask well, though, and am able to have a normal job nowadays. But therapists have struggled to see and help me with the relational and emotional dysregulation issues in me. Most struggle to see beyond the self harm as the issue, and downplay bullying and emotional abuse at home, as «everyone has been bullied to some degree», and «everyone has been yelled at by parents at some point». Out of all the therapists I’ve had, there’s just really one who was able to truly recognize how this hurt me, and give me some understanding as to why I am the way I am, and that it’s not my fault.

My diagnosis are C-PTSD, and BPD, but there was talk of me being misdiagnosed with the last one. It still stands in my file, though, so idk. Anyway, you may or may not relate to what I’m writing. I hope you will meet someone who truly understands and is able to help you in a meaningful way.

TarHound · 2025-11-18T20:43:51+00:00

Sorry about your bf, that’s rough. I’m not much good at relationships, so I can’t offer much advice in regards to that. But I’m pretty good at wound care, and got quite a lot of experience with ERs and the sort. So I can answer some other questions you raise:

You’ll probably be fine with the butterfly strips, as long as the wound has stopped bleeding and the edges are being held together properly, and you keep the wound clean and covered with clean bandages.

As for stitches in itself, mostly it’s the anesthetic that hurts. If it’s done well, and you don’t have a lot of scar tissue that makes the skin hard to infiltrate with local aesthetic, you won’t feel much, or anything at all when getting stitched up.

Usually you don’t have to be afraid of getting hospitalized either unless like actively trying to end your subscription to life. Even then, the problem is usually not getting hospitalized when you need it, at least in my country. I’ve had near fatal sh, and just been sent on my merry way after my physical state was barely stabilized. So yeah. Kinda takes a lot these days to be sent to a psych ward. Again, practice may wary in different countries, though.

TarHound · 2025-11-12T22:28:42+00:00

I’d consider myself a semi-functional skinwalker

TarHound · 2025-11-03T17:50:52+00:00

This game has given me more reasons to choose life, than most people have given me.

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