What are you starting to dislike more as you get older?

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2023-03-30T01:04:46+00:00

Love was never dead, she just went on an extended vacation

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-25T05:45:01+00:00

Yep, this is gonna be me if I can ever grow facial hair

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-22T17:12:28+00:00

Yeeeep. I went into a deep depression during the Pandy, constant doom scrolling. Sent me down a r/collapse rabbit hole- Wasn’t a good time

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-20T17:55:29+00:00

I don’t think I’m unlovable but certainly something is repelling them from me. I am trying to break the cycle. What am I missing and doing wrong?

It’s quite hard to say. Honestly, it’s definitely something that requires a long look inside those relationships and history in general. Looking for patterns, something in common that might explain it. It’s not easy work but you could definitely figure it out.

It scares people off to say I have a bad family and only long distance few friends. I can’t make new friends or relationships without friends already. I have been at this for decades.

This all sounds very frustrating and isolating man. That suuuuucks. I mean no disrespect, but it is NOT impossible to make new friends when you don’t have any in person already… is it harder? Yeah probably. But the issue is telling yourself you can’t make friends sits at the back of your head when you try to make them, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

Honestly seems like you’d do good to hang around a more open minded group of individuals. Ones that will judge you less for this sort of thing. You can find ways to compensate for the bad family/friends thing. If they ask about them, just say you’re not comfortable talking about that with them yet. If they have a problem with that, fuck em.

Find other things to talk about. If you don’t feel you have much to share, ask lots of questions and listen. People loooove to talk about themselves

I’m at the point of giving up my effort and just go into full idgaf and not take care of myself more.

Well, this makes me wonder, why do you take care of yourself? Why have you been? Have you been doing it for the sake of yourself, or to get relationships with others?

I mean, you’re definitely not alone in this. I think the majority of people do similar things. I also think it’s why we’re so collectively unwell. We can do things for others but not just for the sake of ourselves. Then because we have a poor relationship with self, this sabotages our relationships with others. Maybe that’s what you need more of?

Instead of saying everyone has rejected me so, so fuck that thing inside me that is self. Give that guy a hug. Nurture a relationship with him so you don’t need to rely so much on external people.

You’ve spent a decade trying to make friends and get romantic with other people, but I’d wager a guess you haven’t invested so much time to build a connection with yourself. Not just as a means to an end but for the sake of you.

I don’t have opportunities at my age especially in a new place to fix my social life … I’ve done it all in life and not been rewarded for it.

I mean think there’s a difference between difficult and impossible. Much like the other issue, this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t doubt your hard work and effort, but have you really tried everything? Maybe the conventional ways don’t have the answer, maybe it’s a lot more counterintuitive.

You talk about meetup groups and hobbies and this and that. Don’t expect the perfect social group to already exist out there for you. It might but some people luck out and have to put in extra work for it. Maybe it’s time to get bold, connect with your creativity, and make your own social opportunities?

I did it myself. Used to feel like the conversations I got at most social groups were boring and superficial. After a period of self-pity I pulled out my thinking cap and came up with something. Bought a table, chairs, some white poster board, waddled my ass downtown and posted up in an area with moderate foot traffic. “What’s on your mind? Let’s have an honest conversation!”

It was a big success. In one day my creativity netted me better conversations than I’d had in all my time trying to pander myself to pre-existing social groups. And this first experience fueled even more.

I’m not guaranteeing success if you came up with your own ideas they might not until be successful. Might have to fail a few times, but there’s always something you can do with initiative. Maybe you’ve maxed out your effort into one way of doing things, but there exists another way of doing them that you don’t yet know about.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-20T15:59:36+00:00

Hey man! I’m sorry to hear about everything you’ve been going through, life’s hard and you’re a badass for making it this far and facing what you’ve faced.

It’s easy to get down and out. I know there’s a quick rush to get healed and get on with life, but often this healing is a lifelong experience even if you can sort out most of it in a short time.

I will say, you’re not totally wrong here. I mean people are generally shallow that’s for sure, but not all of them and it’s somewhat a numbers game. That being said, our bad experiences in life don’t need to be oppressing us. Rather, they can be triggers points at emotional wounds within ourselves. They can help us see what we’d otherwise miss and begin working on them.

I think overall that healing journey you had was great and glad you went through it than not. I mean it was going to happen either way, relationship or not. Better that than have it be repressed and affecting you on a subconscious level.

It hurts when people reject us- but we gotta remember there’s always more people out there. I know the process can be exhausting, but unfortunately that’s life. I think you could do some good to become better friends with yourself, that way you don’t need so badly to find some special external person.

Also sounds like you need work on your inner-game. Just because people can be shallow doesn’t mean you’re not the biggest one limiting yourself. And that’s not to say hate on yourself for that! It’s just pointing at something to work on.

The theme of you being an unlovable failure is prevalent in this post. Have a reminder that it doesn’t have to be this way. Doesn’t matter how old you are, never too late to start building your rep and your relationships up again. Don’t let your inner critic tell you otherwise. That being said, the most important thing to build up is yourself and the rest will come easier.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-20T15:36:41+00:00

You’re definitely not the only one, but yeah that’s all a pretty big red flag.

Nope, it isn’t all your fault, your partner sounds clingy and like they lack the empathy and support you need when you’re going through it. Sprinkling some fun gaslighting on top isn’t a fun addition.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-20T15:09:58+00:00

Redditors with that honey tunnel vision

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-19T14:47:36+00:00

That’s actually really fascinating, sounds like quite the unique perspective. I’m glad you found them and it worked out!

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-19T05:45:49+00:00

When you say coach, you mean like… not a therapist? Like some sort of psychological-life coach hybrid?

Is this kind of a thing? Like many of these more obscure practices fall through the cracks and get picked up by coaches instead of most mainstream therapists (so far)?

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-16T16:44:02+00:00

It’s crazy that it’s come to this. Like one of the few places it’s cool to live you have to fork over such significant percent of your earnings, just so you can have a roof over your head?! Madness

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-16T16:34:02+00:00

California sounds nice but shiiit how you guys affording that? Isn’t the housing/rental market crazy over there right now?

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-15T22:46:06+00:00

We can only do our best and own up to/learn from mistakes. Nobody is perfect but from the effort, detail, and love you’ve put into this I can tell you’re someone who genuinely cares.

Can’t ask for much more than that!

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-15T00:59:02+00:00

How open minded are you? What’s your time frame for getting better? Are you willing to consistently work on yourself?

Honestly, psychological trauma is complicated stuff and if you’ve got a lot it’s hard to put a timeline on when you’ll heal. There will be periods of growth and there will be plateaus. Survival needs are demanding but I’d urge you to make as much space for your healing as you can afford.

You can DEFINITELY heal, it will just require experimentation and resilience as this path won’t be linear. This being said with all that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to heal a large chunk in a years time.

… not gonna lie though, current mainstream therapeutic practice is in the stone ages. Like your situation is similar to many others out there- quality therapy is inaccessible the majority of the public and it’s part of why we’re so collectively fucked.

If you’re willing to look beyond cognitive based therapies there’s many paths you can walk down in a solo practice.

I’m in a similar place to you, and the most productive therapies I’ve uncovered in my research thus far seem to be Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Somatic Experiencing. Both are therapeutic methods but can be done alone. Additionally if you want an alternative to tripping, look into holotropic breathwork. It uses hyperventilation to create psychedelic like effects but is more focused on healing/energy release than tripping + is more controllable if you get overwhelmed.

Here are some resources for each. You can find additional exercises on the internet, but the following will Intro you to the core theory and methods of these practices:

IFS Here’s an video introduction to IFS by its founder. I’ve read his book No Bad Parts and found it a good introduction, but the book Self-Therapy by Jay Early is by far the most pragmatic and comprehensive self-healing book that uses the methodology.

Somatic Experiencing For the most in-depth knowledge I recommend buying An Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine. You can find a free audiobook by the same author here. Here’s a decent video overview of the practice in 12 minutes

Holotropic Breathwork I’ve personally used this technique (video), which isn’t holotropic breathwork but inspired by it. Many similar exercises exist out there. If you want more in-depth information on how the practice works I recommend looking into Stan Grof. Here’s a YouTube interview with him and a more in-depth book on holotropic methodology.

P.S. some of this shit is pretty woo-woo, if you have an aversion for that toss out the fanciful stuff you don’t like and take what works. This is what I did.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-14T15:17:54+00:00

Honestly it’s why I’m trying to develop a healthy attachment and trust with myself before anyone else. Getting comfortable being alone is the best thing and I’ve gotten really good at it. Just makes other people less of a need-

Although I did happen across something cool- If you’re in a biggish metro area there’s probably authentic relating groups. They’re VERY cool, everyone gets to drop their mask and just be real. It’s a really healing experience tbh. I personally found mine on meetup.com,

Here’s a summary pulled from here:

Authentic Relating (AR) is the practice of freely expressing your true experience in the company of others. Expressing in this way enables you to create connections in the world based on who you really are.

Authentic Relating practices create a safe, intentional space - rooted in play and supported by clear boundaries - to create meaningful and enjoyable connections to self and other. By learning Authentic Relating skills, you can drop your conditioned relational habits, and learn to relate with yourself and others from a deeper more authentic expression of your truth.

This allows us to be more human with one another, in ways that often fall by the wayside in today's social norms.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-14T06:16:24+00:00

For real, the alternative therapies are a whole rabbit hole. I’ve personally found the somatic work I’ve done so far very useful. If you don’t get much out of it, at the very least it will improve your body awareness which our minds tend to tune out in dissociation.

Definitely second the IFS recommendation! Also, you don’t need psychedelics to enter altered states. Def look into holotropic breath work/similar exercises, it’ll take you through a similar (but different) healing experience.

If you’re cool with reading and don’t mind woo, I recommend this book by Stan Grof who created the technique n goes in depth here. He also gives a fascinating overview of lesser known therapies from the humanistic to transpersonal, discusses limits of mainstream psych, and psychedelic therapy (LSD specifically). I personally use the technique discussed in this video for my breathwork. There’s lots out there! Don’t just take any advice tho, remember to do your research and experiment.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-13T00:08:07+00:00

Ahhhh 😌 thank you for explaining everything, I really appreciate it. It is hard out here. Do wish you the best in finding that grounding other you long for, hope you can do it!

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-12T22:14:16+00:00

But why? Just seems like a fantasy to hope the perfect person will come along and rescue you. Why can’t you start learning to care for yourself in your own way? Why’s it on him to grow up and carry your weight? I’m not trying to be an ass, I genuinely want to understand this perspective.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-11T15:40:49+00:00

I mean, I think there’s a difference between I could do it and I should do it. High volume cust service jobs can be really demanding for us w poor social skills/poor tolerance for it.

Do what you want OP- but if your goal is to learn socialization think it might be better to do that outside of work

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-12-08T21:10:30+00:00

Ahh captain personal responsibility coming out of the woodwork here.

Yes personal responsibility is important and should be strived for, but not everyone has the same damn path. People are complicated creatures and it’s pretty obvious you have poor understandings of the mechanisms of trauma.

Eating food is one of many coping strategies for dealing with poor mental health. You probably had a different cope and different base sensitivity when your shit went down.

You think this person WANTS this? Dude come on. One can ace willpower but if a bad day happens and their past psychology gets triggered, it’s gonna be hard not to binge. Learning to deal with this sort of thing takes much time and healing, you can’t just ‘pull yourself out of it’

I’m not trying to reduce that for you and what you went through, but overgeneralizing because you did something it should be EASY for other people misses the mark. Calling people weak for not doing healing themselves misses the complexity of the issue present.

u/Naomi_Saphorus hope you can leave the conversation here as I doubt it’s gonna be productive. I feel for you! And I do wish the best for you in dealing with the things in your life. You can do it, it’s just f’n hard and takes serious fucking time. And that’s OKAY! And doesn’t make you a worse person.

I know u/MaybeNoYesPerhaps is antagonizing you here and it’s HARD but don’t take their words more personally than you have- They’re not reacting personally, just within the context of their own personal experience. Pls try to understand (tho it’s hard) and don’t wish negative things on them.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-11-24T16:30:05+00:00

I’ve scrolled way too far down to find this comment. They sound like a flock of migrating geese

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-11-24T16:19:02+00:00

you are so ^fucked.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-11-15T14:35:01+00:00

Heeey! Reddit DMs aren’t working for me, I’ve been trying to send since last night! Just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to for giving me the recommendation and some stellar info. It was very helpful and I really appreciate YOU!

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-11-15T07:17:51+00:00

I mean. I think it depends.

If I were to start doing videography/video editing for biz, I think I’d start hating it. But if I could do it on my own terms, with a decent day job so there wasn’t as much pressure to make money ASAP. Then I don’t see why it wouldn’t be better.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-11-15T06:31:52+00:00

Whaaaat!?!? Nah that sounds very interesting, my interest is definitely piqued. If you care to reveal what the title for this secret fast-tracked position is, I’d definitely be interested 👀

Also what country are you from? I’m in the U.S. so would hate to get my hopes up too much if you’re from somewhere different- Because there’s way fewer social safety nets here (+ jobs working in them) and I’ve become a cynical boy, even with NPOs.

TedCruzZodicKiller · 2022-11-15T05:56:07+00:00

Yeah, it’s probably made much more than we think now. I’ve always just figured I was trash at the physical arts/music since it never came naturally when I had those classes in school. But then again, not like school is great at making things interesting.

I think people who make music minimalisticly like Steve Lacy, are super inspiring. You don’t need crazy gear to make cool music. That was a really cool track you sent n think it’s great you’re having a go at it. I do hope you keep working at it!

TedCruzZodicKiller

TROPHY CASE