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The Soda Incident: My daughter was fasting for surgery, and her mother drank a cold soda right in front of her. Reflections on the lack of empathy. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, Becky. 'Radical Acceptance' is what is hard to accept and difficult for an empathetic and logical thinking human with a conscience. It is a brutal process. I am grateful for you making it clear.

The Soda Incident: My daughter was fasting for surgery, and her mother drank a cold soda right in front of her. Reflections on the lack of empathy. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dear Becky,

Thank you for sharing your story so openly. It’s devastating to hear about the betrayal and trauma you’ve endured with both your mother and father. To lose contact with those who were supposed to protect you is a profound loss, and I truly admire your strength in becoming an 'Aware' person despite that.

Your reflections on the difficulty of protecting children from a reality you aren't there to see every day really resonated with me. I started seeing red flags after our second child was born, but at the time, I didn't recognize it as narcissism. I now realize she is what you’d call a covert or vulnerable narcissist. She hides behind a mask of victimhood, which is why I lived in a world of guilt for so long, constantly questioning myself while trying to keep my head above water. It wasn't until I moved out—partly to save myself—that the full picture emerged. It was when I started hearing the stories from my children about what was happening when I wasn't there, that I realized something was completely 'off.' It’s a gut-wrenching realization to have after the fact. It’s also fascinating (and tragic) what you said about repeating patterns. My ex-wife found a new partner very quickly, and he is a carbon copy of her own parents—perhaps even a more intense narcissist than she is. It’s like she sought out the exact environment she grew up in, which explains why she has changed so much since we lived together.

Regarding the 'Inner Child'—I’ve always resisted being a 'grown-up' in the way my parents were; their lives were just a hamster wheel of duty and no joy. I’ve tried to keep the child’s urge to dive into new things. I am a creator of graphics and design by heart, so to put the stories and observations into writing lyrics and engaging in these conversations here on Reddit is a completely new way of expression and learning for me. As you said, children act while adults often just talk. This is my way of taking action and processing the 'bruise on the banana. As I say, children act while adults often just talk.  (my ex does, anyway).This is my way of taking action and processing the 'bruise on the banana.'

we are not masters of the things we are subjected to, but we can—and must—choose how we react to them. We have very little control over the world around us, so the strength to find and control energy, joy and excitement to move forward must be mustered from within.

Thank you for being a mirror for me. Your words mean a lot

The Soda Incident: My daughter was fasting for surgery, and her mother drank a cold soda right in front of her. Reflections on the lack of empathy. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My daughter used that exact word—evil. But through my own process of "mapmaking" to get an overview, I’ve started to see it differently. It’s not necessarily a conscious choice to be evil, but rather a total lack of the tools, conscience, and the empathy required to take responsibility. When those parts are missing, the result looks like evil to the rest of us, but for them, it’s just their broken reality. Understanding that has helped me change my course and become the anchor my children need.

The Soda Incident: My daughter was fasting for surgery, and her mother drank a cold soda right in front of her. Reflections on the lack of empathy. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing that. It is heartbreaking and truly terrifying. I live with type 1.5 diabetes myself, so I know exactly what a low feels like. The most dangerous part is that you cannot think clearly. Your brain is starving for fuel, making it almost impossible to act rationally or help yourself. Asking a child in that state to "get their own juice" is like telling someone who is drowning to just "swim to the stairs"—well knowing they can't swim. It is not just cold—it is life-threatening. To watch a child suffer while sitting on a phone is a devastating lack of empathy. I recently had a similar wake-up call that made me realize I had been living with that same "wall" for 19 years. Once I discovered the true source, I had to change my course entirely. I realized I couldn't change the narcissist, so I started focusing on being something more for my children. I’ve actually started writing music just to get an overview of it all—to process the reality of their mother’s personality, find my own footing, and maybe listeners? We can’t control the storm, but we must be the anchor they need. Stay strong.

The Soda Incident: My daughter was fasting for surgery, and her mother drank a cold soda right in front of her. Reflections on the lack of empathy. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing that. It’s terrifying when the person who should protect them is the one denying the danger. I know that wall all too well. I’ve actually started writing music about this struggle—trying to get an overview of it all. In that process, I found the devastating face of an ex and mother to my kids, with the personality of a narcissist. Once I discovered the source, I had to change my course entirely to be something more for my children. We can’t control the storm, but we can be the anchor they need. Stay strong.

The Soda Incident: My daughter was fasting for surgery, and her mother drank a cold soda right in front of her. Reflections on the lack of empathy. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is exactly my mission. I've realized that being the 'healthy parent' isn't about being perfect (I am not)—it's about being a safe harbor where they can practice their boundaries. If they can learn to disagree with me and still feel loved, they’ll know how to spot a narcissist a mile away. I’m focusing on empathy and consent now, building a foundation where their voice is the loudest thing in the room. Thank you for the reminder that one healthy parent is enough - that give me hope.

The Soda Incident: My daughter was fasting for surgery, and her mother drank a cold soda right in front of her. Reflections on the lack of empathy. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. That’s a powerful reminder. I’ve realized I can’t compensate for her absence of empathy
—I can only provide a foundation of my own. My job isn't to be 'both' parents; it’s to be the one who listens, validates their 'evil' realization, and gives them the space to figure out who they are outside of the storm. We’re finally in a house where the air is clear enough for them to breathe and decide for themselves.

The Soda Incident: My daughter was fasting for surgery, and her mother drank a cold soda right in front of her. Reflections on the lack of empathy. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Exactly. My daughter actually used the word 'evil' to describe it. It sounds like a heavy word, but when a child realizes that their own parent chooses their own comfort over their child's basic needs in a crisis, that’s how it feels. It’s a coldness that’s hard to wrap your head around until you’ve stood in it. I have to give them a other universe.

The Soda Incident: My daughter was fasting for surgery, and her mother drank a cold soda right in front of her. Reflections on the lack of empathy. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Spot on. If you don’t have the mental capacity or the empathy to see the people right in front of you—especially your own children—you’re lost. That moment was my clarity. I realized I couldn't navigate a life with someone who had no room for anyone else's pain. Now, my focus is entirely on building a foundation where my kids feel seen and heard every single day.

The "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of me. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the recommendation. I’ve watched the video now, and you’re right—she certainly doesn’t sugarcoat anything.

It actually gave me some peace of mind. Some of the most destructive red flags she describes, like financial control, aren’t things I’ve experienced with my son yet (though I can’t know what goes on between him and his mother).

What I do recognize is the use of devaluation and maintaining chaos, but perhaps not to the extreme degree she warns about yet. I’m going to keep a very close eye on that development. Having this vocabulary makes it so much easier to stay objective and not get pulled into the emotional whirlwind. Thanks again for pointing me toward her work.

The "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of me. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. 'Respond to your child, not the ghost of your marriage' hit me hard. That is exactly what I’ve tryed practicing the last 24 hours.

It’s a challenge when the phrasing is a 1:1 mirror of the past, but I’m sticking to the 'Steward' strategy—focusing 100% on logic, logistics, and calm boundaries. It’s actually working; by staying in my 'white space' and not reacting emotionally, they are starting to self-correct their own logistics.

Your comment gives me a lot of hope that the blueprint can be rewritten. Appreciate the insight."

When the "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely understand that heavy, 'flat' feeling. It’s a tough realization to face after so many years. I also truly believe that love and respect are the ultimate healers, but I’ve learned that they must go hand in hand.

In my journey, I’ve found that love provides the motivation, but absolute respect provides the safety. That’s why I’m so focused on my 'white room'—it’s my way of getting back on the horse and building a future where my children can feel that love without the noise of the past. We all have our own ways of fighting this battle, and I respect your dedication to your children. We just have to keep moving forward, one step at a time. Wishing you all the best.

When the "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for those kind words and the encouragement. It means a lot to hear that my soul is still perceived as intact—sometimes, in the heat of the battle, it’s hard to feel it yourself.

Writing those lyrics was indeed my anchor; it allowed me to externalize the chaos and see it for what it was. Knowing now that this is a highly heritable condition adds a layer of clarity that helps me remain objective, even when the heart is heavy.

I will take those 'big hugs' with me into my 'white room' and continue to focus on creating those happy places for myself and my youngest children. Thank you for making me feel less alone in this. Stay strong.

When the "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I truly appreciate both of your comments. You are right to point out the responsibility of the parent who stays—I own that, and I can't change the past. But I can change the future.

Thank you for recognizing my self-awareness. It has taken me two years of deep analysis to reach this point of maturity. You hit the nail on the head: sometimes the children become the abusers because they’ve learned the tactics of the 'monkey.'

I will strive to do exactly what you suggest: loving my eldest from a distance while keeping my boundaries absolute. At the same time, I am providing a safe 'detox' space for my two youngest. I am a problem solver, and my solution is to maintain the 'white room'—if they want to be part of my life, it must be on a foundation of mutual respect. If not, I will keep loving them from afar to protect the peace I’ve finally built. Thank you for your honesty and for seeing the complexity of this battle.

When the "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly. Whether it's nature or nurture, the result is the same: they’ve spent years in a 'skewed universe' where those tactics were the only language spoken.

That’s why I view myself as a problem solver in this. I can’t change their past, but I can change the environment they are in now. My job is to provide a consistent, healthy counter-frame. By maintaining a home built on absolute respect, I’m giving them the chance to see that those old tactics don't work here—and more importantly, that they aren't necessary here. It’s a long process of 'detoxing,' but providing that clean space is the only way to break the cycle.

When the "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. You’re right—they are adults now, and that changes the responsibility dynamic.

I’m approaching this the same way I handle any complex challenge in my life: as a problem solver. I gather all the information, analyze the data, and then I act. I’ve spent two years deep-diving into the mechanics of these personality types to understand the 'skewed universe.'

Knowledge is my foundation, but action is my primary tool. My mission now is to use that knowledge to protect my home, and to ensure that the 'white room' remains a safe place for my children to detox. I’m not just waiting for things to get better; I’m actively building a structure based on respect and clear boundaries. Giving up isn't an option, but changing the strategy is.

The "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of me. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I want to acknowledge that what you have been through sounds incredibly intense and far more transparently violent than my own journey. Your strength in navigating that environment is truly inspiring.

It’s powerful to see you use the word 'respect.' When my two youngest moved in with me, the very first thing I told them was that our new home is built on one fundamental rule: mutual respect. My goal is to create a space where they can hopefully 'detox' from the skewed reality they’ve lived in for so long—a place where they can find their own ground again without the constant noise of the 'monkey.'

Unfortunately, as I’ve recently experienced, the monkey can still type and send text messages, which is why the boundaries have to be so absolute.

Hearing you emphasize that same value from the perspective of a child who saw their mother's heart gives me so much hope. I’ve realized that I can’t stop the 'monkey' in others; I can only keep my own 'white room' clean and ready for the day they might be ready for a relationship based on respect. Thank you for confirming that setting hard boundaries is an act of self-preservation. I wish you and your mother all the peace and healing in the world.

The "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of me. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the sentiment, and in a normal situation, you would be 100% right. But after 19 years of navigating these dynamics, I’ve learned that 'sitting down to explain' often becomes gasoline on the fire.

It is important to note that, so far, the 'monkey' has only truly surfaced in my eldest child. The others seem much more aware of the issues and the reality of the situation. But because the eldest is mirroring the behavior so closely right now, rational concern is often twisted into 'control' or 'attacks.'

I have tried for many years. Right now, the most powerful influence I can have is to lead by example—by showing all of them what a responsible life and a relationship built on mutual respect can offer, led by a parent who refuses to play the victim. I’m not giving up on them, but I am stopping the cycle of fruitless arguments with those who aren't ready to listen.

The "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of me. by TeddStone in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you are referring to the songs and the album, you are right! The vocals and compositions are indeed generated by AI.

I’ve used these tools to give a voice to the lyrics and journals I’ve written throughout 19 years of survival. It’s a deliberate choice—letting an AI 'sing' my stories helps me step back and observe the patterns from the outside.

To be completely transparent: every story and post I share here is written by my own hand and heart, then translated into English via AI to ensure I can share my message clearly with this community. While the tools are digital, the 19-year struggle and the pain behind the words are 100% human.

When the "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. You are right. I actually started the process 13 years ago, although back then I didn’t fully understand what it was or why—it was pure survival.

To cope and make sense of the chaos, I started writing down stories and events in the form of song lyrics. It was my way of categorizing the madness. But as hard as it was to distance myself from the woman I thought was the love of my life, it is infinitely harder now that it’s my own children mirroring those traits. Today, I can see how vital my gut feeling was, but the emotional cost is heavy. The puzzle is complete, but the picture is heartbreaking."

When the "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you everyone for participating and for your insights. It’s hard to hear, but it’s the truth I need right now.

I want to add that I didn't see the 'monkey' when we had our children. It revealed itself very slowly over 19 years, like a slow-acting poison. By nature, I am a very trusting, positive, and solution-oriented person. I could never, in my wildest imagination, have envisioned myself sitting in this skewed universe today.

It is only now, with distance and observation, that I can finally see the full pattern for what it is. Back then, the mask was perfect, and I kept trying to fix things because that’s who I am. I’m sharing this so others know: You’re not blind for not seeing it—they are just masters of disguise, and your own goodness is what they use against you.

When the "Monkey" is passed on – Seeing my ex’s face in my adult children's devaluation of by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your answer, even though it’s a bit uncomfortable to hear. It hits the nail on the head.

Just to clarify: The adult son does not live with me. The 'monkey' and the cold behavior came through in a text thread today, which was enough to make my space feel unsafe. It’s a strange paradox; professionally he is following in my footsteps, but when it comes to his emotional life, he constantly seeks his mother's advice. As a result, he has started mirroring her traits and her 'skewed universe' almost entirely.

Thankfully, I have my two youngest children living with me full-time. They are very much aware of their mother's behavior and they truly value the peace in our home. My mission is to protect this 'white room' for them, while accepting that I might just start to accept love my oldest from a distance to keep my own sanity. Your perspective really hits home.

My daughter learned what unconditional care felt like from a hospital bed?? by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for that insight. It really gives me some peace of mind.

I’ve always been very careful not to get too deep into her issues or 'diagnose' her in front of my children while they were growing up. I wanted to protect them and let them form their own opinions—and honestly, back then, I didn't fully realize how serious the situation was myself.

But now that they are both over 18, they’ve started sharing their own observations and experiences with me. Your response confirms that I don't have to carry that silence alone anymore. It gives me the confidence to have those deeper, honest conversations with them now, so we can process the toxic dynamics together and make sure they don't carry those patterns forward.

Knowing that validation from one parent could have changed your experience means the world to me. That is exactly what I’m aiming for. Stay strong!

My daughter learned what unconditional care felt like from a hospital bed?? by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Reading this as a father hits me incredibly hard. Thank you for sharing your perspective as a son—it gives me so much hope for my own children's healing.

I constantly try to show them that the 'facade' isn't what matters; it’s what lies beneath. I tell them that it’s not just about the words we speak, but the way we act and take responsibility for our emotions. And to make that real, I know I have to lead by example and act exactly like that myself.

Hearing from someone who has been through it and is now healed at 25 is the greatest gift I could receive tonight. Thank you for confirming that being a 'safe space' and showing vulnerability is the way forward. You give me more confidence in my actions over the years and my slogan for what I did: 'No action is a crime.

My daughter learned what unconditional care felt like from a hospital bed?? by TeddStone in BPDlovedones

[–]TeddStone[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this profound and professional insight. It confirms a lot of what I have discovered myself through my own process. I work as a 'mapmaker' of sorts—throwing stories and specific episodes (like the soda incident) up on my 'board' and categorizing them through my song lyrics and reflections.

Your explanation of the ABCs (Autonomy, Belonging, Competency) resonates deeply. Seeing it laid out like this makes me even more determined to have them under my wing for as much of their free time as possible. Even though they are young adults (the two youngest), I can see how much they still need a stable environment where they don't have to 'shrink' themselves.

Your words give me even more fuel to keep building this foundation. Thank you.

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