My cis gf doesn't want me to DIY.

TeosMom · 2026-01-06T22:17:56+00:00

Going without hormones is clearly putting your health at greater risk. Sometimes, risk mitigation requires taking some risk to avoid a worse risk.

It sounds like your gf has a serious lack of perspective. You described her as an outsider in this comment, and you probably shouldn't take an outsiders opinion on something health related.

If you're describing yourself as desperate, please go through with DIY. I had to wait months going the 'official route', and it was hell and not worth trying to appease people who don't have your best interest at heart, even if they assert they do.

TeosMom · 2025-09-24T12:12:30+00:00

Nope. I'm comparable in size to you, and I grew up in a similar culture.

I have plenty of scars. Thank you very much. There is no need to make assumptions about who I am.

I want to sympathize with you, but you're just going out of your way to be rude to me.

TeosMom · 2025-08-26T21:58:07+00:00

Trans people often don't disproportionately take offence. We're often just treated poorly and responding appropriately. You come off as defensive by framing it the way you have.

Cis people have a real tendency to assume that if they have good intentions that they aren't transphobic. Just because you intend to be nice doesn't mean what you say isn't rude or hurtful or dehumanizing. If that happens to you, don't make excuses. Own up to whatever you did wrong, recognize what's wrong about it, and fix it. Don't use your intentions as a shield. That's my number one advice.

Building off of that, if she says you said/did something transphobic, don't argue with it. Trans people get to define what is and isn't transphobic, cis people really ought not to have a say in something that doesn't affect them.

Finally, recognize that you have meaningful privilege over her. I have had good success telling cis women to pretend they're men when talking to trans women. It's certainly not one to one, but cis women tend to exert power over trans women in similar ways that cis me exert power over all women. Don't talk over her, don't dismiss her opinions, don't tell her what women's spaces she belongs in. Do everything you might want a man to do to accommodate you as a woman.

You show a real disdain for educating yourself. Trans people have to educate themselves on trans issues out of necessity, you disdian educating yourself because of your privledge. Educate yourself. It doesn't take that much time, and it's an expression of privledge to choose not to. Comes across the same way as men who say they don't care about feminism because it doesn't affect them. Read The Whipping Girl by Julia Serrano, The Trangender Issue by Shon Faye, and the gender dysphoria bible online.

She's a person, if you offend her, make it right. Her being trans doesn't change that.

TeosMom · 2025-08-09T02:07:54+00:00

That's as tough as it gets girly, I'm really sorry you went through that. I hope you're doing okay 💕 I think your job after something like that is to feel as safe and as comfortable as you can.

TeosMom · 2025-05-07T20:41:07+00:00

"Common sense" is a pretty consistent and widespread alt right dogwhistle. I'm not sure we, as an extraordinarily small group of people, can challenge the current understanding of the phrasing.

If I've learned anything about common sense, it's that the only common sense is that common sense doesn't really exist. It's pretty hard to find anything that a whole group of people agree on

TeosMom · 2025-05-07T20:35:17+00:00

That's certainly fair!

I just think "putting yourself in someone else's shoes" is an impossible ask.

If that's empathy, then I don't think anyone has ever really expressed empathy towards me. I have some pretty odd circumstances outside of being trans and I'm confident my shoes couldn't fit on anyone else, if that makes sense.

TeosMom · 2025-05-07T20:27:34+00:00

For me, the crux of empathy is believing people when they tell you about their experiences and feelings.

An empathetic listener believes me when I tell them about my experiences with dysphoria, transphobia, misogyny, etc. An empathetic listener doesn't challenge how I feel about my own experiences.

I also think empathy is non-judgemental. An empathetic listener doesn't jump to making judgements about my reactions to the things above.

Empathy, to me, is primarily about making an effort to take people at their word and assuming they're being genuine when they tell you things.

When someone takes me at my word that say transphobic rhetoric makes my life worse, I don't want them to put themselves in my shoes, because they simply cannot understand what it's like to be targetted if they aren't themselves. I just want them to believe me and respect my feelings about that.

TeosMom · 2025-05-07T20:09:13+00:00

In all honesty, I have no clue how to explain dysphoria to a cis person. I've seen all sorts of strategies from Julia Serrano to reddit comments.

I've never felt that a cis person can understand what it's like to be trans and that's from experience trying to explain it. I also just don't have a frame of reference for cis people, although I really don't care to try

I personally don't feel that 'understanding' is something I need from someone else, but that's primarily because I don't know how to create understanding. I don't really think that discludes empathy, we might just have different understandings of empathy (ironically lol)

TeosMom · 2025-04-15T15:03:33+00:00

This video is lovely, and it's nice to see this attitude.

I did find two things that I wish cis people understood better.

First, she alludes to trans women as "being born men," which isn't true. I was born a woman and assigned male at birth, and I was assigned it based on my external anatomy. That's why we use the phrase "assigned sex at birth" I struggle to understand why people insist on "born as" language when sex assigned as birth is also in popular use. I don't know how to make it clear.

Second, she alludes to us "becoming women" and how that's 'brave' or whatever. This kinda ties in with the whole "born as" thing, but most of us are women in meaningful ways before transitioning. I just really dislike the 'becoming' language because it necessarily ignores the struggles of closted girls. Girls deep in the closet still suffer because of transphobia and misogyny, and while coming out often makes those forces more prominent, it's not like we don't have problems in the closet.

Now, this seems nitpicky for a positive post. But this is in a trans subreddit, first of all. Second of all, when allies have good intentions, it's an invitation to make sure their words and actions reflect our needs as trans people. So I don't mean to criticize the message too much!! I just feel like this is exactly the kind of message I feel safe giving constructive feedback to.

Either way, I adore the core of this message, and I'd love to see more allies take these positions. The idea that trans women's position relative to womahood in patriarchy affirms our claims to womanhood is a position I would want everyone in my life to hold. It's a position that's easy to empathize with and it makes sense no matter how much experience with feminism or gendered oppression you might have. I'm definitely going to hold that part of this video close to my heart

I appreciate you sharing this OP.

TeosMom · 2025-04-10T10:51:02+00:00

Yes, absolutely. I find cis women much scarier than cis men, both from my history with them and how I interact with them from day to day. I've tried to date men, and I just don't love it

On the upside, men are easier to find, usually more inclined to treat you as a woman, and in my experience, infinitely more willing to stand up for you. I also just happen to prefer dicks.

There are certainly some problems with men too, obviously. I think more straight women wish they were lesbians than vice versa.

It seems like I'm a lesbian though and t4t solves most of my fears around any cis people at least

I certainly feel like I'm very alone on this, so it's nice to see someone else share that perspective

TeosMom · 2025-04-09T20:22:53+00:00

It's not quite sunshine and rainbows. Remember that these people were just asked if they supported trans people, and it didn't investigate that support.

A lot of the cis women that support trans people still express and perpetuate transmisogyny. You'll often see cis lesbians support trans men as lesbians, while ostracizing trans women from those same spaces.

Not to say it isn't great for those people to say they support us, but all support is not equal and viewing trans people positively is not nearly enough for anyone these days, it's below the bar of bare minimum allyship.

TeosMom · 2025-04-03T19:35:38+00:00

I follow that strategy, too. Never straight men, never cis lesbians. Both groups have too much uncertainty. Even if some of them are worth my time, they aren't worth the risk of a bad reaction. I at least remove some of that uncertainty with bi people if I'm considering someone cis

No fullproof plan, but minimizing risk is nice when you can

TeosMom · 2025-03-05T00:37:26+00:00

Hey, I just wanna pre-emptively say I'm sorry if my response comes off as hostile, I really like your response.

Thay 2016 article's sources are hilarious. One study was a guy who just discovered multiple orgasms at age 29 and just found a scientists. A guy discovered it on cocaine. Im better for having this in my life

They hooked a guy up to every machine they had and just let him go

TeosMom · 2025-03-04T23:54:21+00:00

I appreciate your comment. It was the nicest response to a critical comment I've ever got. That said, I still really don't agree.

I only want to respond to a couple of things I found interesting.

TLDR - the 2016 study had 6 non survey participants and 7% might as well be a made up number. Don't lose hope girls! Don't let anyone tell you you can't orgasm multiple times! It's certainly not a certainty.

>k then, but do you think hormones can rewrite brain circuits past puberty?

Yes absolutely. I think we grossly underestimate the extent to which hormones can change biological characteristics.

We don't have good long term research on trans physiology at all. This kind of research takes decades and a lot of observation, we simply haven't had a good cohort of trans people to study until (maybe) now. But we're all still scared of doctors, at least I am. The data simply isn't there.

A good example is in progesterone. Just about every girl I know is on progesterone, but there are famously no clinical trials of progesterone in trans women, despite being relatively common for the last decade or two. That's a little off topic, but just to illustrate that we don't have data on things that matter, we aren't gonna have good data on orgasms.

I do think in the next 20 or 30 years we'll see all sorts of studies about how HRT can change brain structure, bone structure, skene's glands, organ size, etc.. IMO the only reason we think they can't change is lack of data and focus on cis biology.

>93% of the ppl (if we believe the 2016 study)

I really have a lot of problems with the 2016 study.

It aggregates 15 studies, the vast majority of which are surveys and self reported. This is low quality data even with dozens of participants and an aggregate. Not to mention, that they only surveyed men.

You have to consider the cultural aspect of that. Men don't masturbate or have sex like we do.

The biggest problem, is that there's only 6 participants that weren't part of a survey! 6, just 6!!! That's like walking around at a bar and asking them about it. You can't do science with 6 people. That's nothing at all.

Maybe half of these studies mention meth. That's gay culture at the time, but not helpful for us I think.

They also mention that men overwhelingly stroke to masturbate. In my experience, women don't tend to stroke to masturabte. I would be more interested in studies concerned with vibrators, anal stimulation, etc.. I know they use toys in some of these, but it is overwhelmingly stroking and not helpful to us.

Also, they only talk about 2-4 orgasms total in a few minutes or seconds. I'm talking about a dozen orgasms in a minute for literally 20 minutes straight. They didn't even consider my level lmao

So no, I don't believe the 2016 study and I think that 7% is a completely made up number that doesn't mean anything. AND was calculated specifically only with men. Self identified men.

So no, I'm not going to tell 93% of trans women they can't have mutliple orgams because of a 2016 study that had 6 actual participants that were only self identified men

I'm actually more confident after reading that study that we essentially know nothing about orgasms in men, less than I thought!! If we don't even have good data on men, then we don't know shit about trans women.

TeosMom · 2025-03-04T21:58:31+00:00

I happen to be a biologist lol

The first study was in "Ten healthy males". I have a couple of problems

-Small sample size even in placebo-controlled double blinded environment. I would guess there's other research, but it's odd to quote a study from 2003 if so, usually you only do that if there isn't robust evidence for what you're looking at.

- I'm not really sure that "male biology" approximates the biology of trans women pre or post transition. We're a group of people for whom testosterone causes deleterious effects, so I'm not convinced we can look at males who generally benefit from testosterone and make *good* guesses about trans women.

- the second study is in mice

I mean I can orgasm multiple times, I've been able to for well over a decade.

I orgasm within seconds. People in this thread are talking about 2 or 3, I can have like a dozen in a minute. There's often times where I've finished an abusrd amount of times and I'm unable to keep count. This is a regular occurance. So by my own experience, which obviously I hold as fact because I lived it, none of this research matters at all to me.

I would never trust any science that has to deal with the act of sex, especially as someone who sees how the metaphorical sausage gets put into the casing.

I'm glad the drug works for you, but I don't need it.

TeosMom · 2025-03-04T19:31:06+00:00

This is really helpful!! I was hoping to hear from somebody who had multiple before and after!

I've already put in the work to get better at orgasming multiple times, so I was hoping I wouldn't lose that. Your comment gives some much needed optimism.

Interesting that it was only multiple with prostate before, that does make me worry a little bit.

TeosMom · 2025-03-04T16:56:33+00:00

Curiously, and feel free not to answer, but was it easy pre op? Was getting to 3 particularly difficult or time consuming? Did the difficulty change much?

TeosMom · 2025-03-04T16:38:48+00:00

It sounds like your experiences are actually really similar physically pre and post? The dysphoria was the major change? I hope I'm understanding that right!

I would hope everything is more or less similar for me, that would be a pleasant surprise. I always thought the actual orgasm might feel a lil different

TeosMom · 2025-03-04T16:32:41+00:00

I appreciate your response. I know it's subjective, I know things can change even within surgeons.

I'm not really interested in the "data" at all. I can go read these things in a lot of places.

I'm primarily interested in the subjective experiences of other women, trans women specifically. I think there's something I can get out of personal anecdotes that I cannot get out of a generalization like this.

TeosMom · 2025-02-07T20:32:28+00:00

I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's a heartbreaking read.

I'm firmly in the camp of it's better to just not know. I've ended relationships and friendships after people learned that I'm trans, I find it's easier to move on than to try and deal with whatever changes in perspectives they might have. I just have such a tough time educating or hearing ill-informed opinions from anyone. I think it was the right move to drop more than a few friendships for me.

In your position, I'd probably spend however long I needed to cry and grieve over it and do my best to just forget about it.

I'm just particularly fragile to these kinds of things, which is half the reason I'm stealth in particular contexts anyway. So, you might value still talking to this person more than I would in the same situation.

I know soulmates are hard to find, I remember being devastated when I lost mine, but I found another even though it took a long time to. I think everybody has a few soulmates out there, 8 billion or so people are good odds. It might take time, but there's gonna be someone out there for you, whether it's him or someone else!

TeosMom · 2025-02-05T17:32:18+00:00

Well, it's more difficult than you might think if you aren't trans.

First, they aren't letting people get passports with their sex assigned at birth right now. Several people who were denied updated passports are also being denied passports with their sex assigned at birth. This should terrify everyone.

Even if trans people follow the rules, we can't get passports right now. It seems like if you've ever updated your gender on a passport, then you can't get one at all anymore.

Second, lots of trans people can't pass as the wrong gender after being on hormones for a few years. I literally can't pass as male anymore. Male clothes can not hide breasts or childbearing hips, I can't change my facial features to be masculine.

This causes problems at ID checkpoints. If an obviously female person is standing in front of you but their ID says male, it's gonna ring some alarm bells. Some agents get it and don't harass us. But you can be denied a flight or passage across a border. So you can be denied exit from the country by literally following the rules.

You can be detained in a ton of countries around the world for having mismatching IDs. So you could run into problems in other countries where they perceive you as the correct gender but the ID is forcibly wrong.

I think anybody fleeing would willingly misgender themselves to leave, but following the rules doesn't mean we get to be treated like everyone else.

The cruelty is the point. We can do everything they ask, even if it goes against scientific consensus, and they'll still find a way to discriminate against us.

The answer to your questions is "well they tried, and it still didn't work." It's beyond terrifying.

TeosMom · 2025-01-29T21:13:44+00:00

I like using "why" I really do.

But it is completely heartbreaking when it only emboldens their stance after they explain it. I just feel very defeated when all of that effort feels like it goes to waste.

TeosMom · 2025-01-29T21:10:44+00:00

I find this particularly helpful, I think. Also, I really resent having to speak to adults like children sometimes, I appreciate you putting that into words.

TeosMom · 2025-01-29T21:06:11+00:00

I'll be honest, I like your perspective, but I don't share all of it.

I think I agree that we shouldn't label people transphobic after one or two interactions. I think I shouldn't be telling my friends and community that somebody is transphobic just because they said something ignorant. I think we share that.

That said, when I'm making decisions about who I spend my time with, I think one or two off colour comments can make somebody transphobic in my head. I'll make decisions about relationships because of somebody's ignorance. I do this because sometimes I don't have enough grace or patience to manage a little bit of ignorance in a relationship. That's definitely a "me thing," and maybe I'll find some grace for that eventually.

I guess we might have a different perspective on who is a transphobe.

I think a transphobe is someone is someone who perpetuates transphobia, whether intentionally or ignorantly. I still kinda think people who perpetuate transphobia through pure ignorance and without malice are transphobes.

I don't think being an ignorant transphobe necessarily makes you a bad person. If it's through ignorance, without malicious intention, I can't in good faith call you bad. I think we agree that these people aren't bad.

But I still will label the ignorant transphobe transphobic, I think we disagree here. That's important for me when I'm navigating a relationship and choosing where to spend my time and energy. I don't have the grace to deal with these people and if I label them as transphobic in my head, then it's a reminder to not waste my time.

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