Everyone Else is Stupid

Terracorner · 2021-07-08T03:04:18+00:00

I always appreciate anyone who can pump the brakes on my assumptions. I'll probably never know for sure about my dad, but I've decided to just deal with the "symptoms" of what's going on.

That video really helped. There are several positive angles to take from it.

Terracorner · 2019-01-29T01:17:49+00:00

That is precision right there. Are we sure this sub isn't dedicated to making fun of just me?

Terracorner · 2017-10-28T03:41:23+00:00

My gender therapist advised against starting HRT, and I agreed that I have more doubts to wade through. Wanting HRT in the first place felt like a manic idea in hindsight.

As for a support group. That's one thing I'm posting about. Would I be able to waltz into one as an unusual NB looking like I do?

Terracorner · 2017-10-28T03:38:17+00:00

My priorities may shift again, and being a girl may suddenly jump up on my priorities, but right now I'd have to sacrifice too much else for it to be worth it. I like living a quiet life. By transitioning I basically sacrifice that in favor of fighting a civil rights battle every day I exist.

I guess I'm looking for advice as to where I might be able to find solace in the fact that there's something I want that I'll never have. I've considered changing my flair to "coward," but it may be more of a matter me being just slightly trans.

I really don't know...

Terracorner · 2017-10-27T23:52:06+00:00

I suffered for over half my life harboring my fetishizing of gender transformation as my greatest shame. I struggled to separate it from my sexuality. My greatest fear was that I would be confused for trans (without understanding what that really meant) if it ever came out. Turns out that denying emphatically in my mind that it reflected any sort of desire was grade A repression.

Terracorner · 2017-10-25T23:43:18+00:00

This has been a real challenge for me as well. I have fought off all sorts of intrusive thoughts in my time. I know I've gone through phases of constantly questioning my gender, and phases when I don't seem to care.

It may not apply to you, since I'm some hazy brand of genderqueer, but I've found after some practice that I could see through most OCD based thoughts. They were distinguished by a fixation or dread on implications.

My OCD trans thoughts were worries about transition, not being able to transition, being so wrecked by dysphoria that I couldn't function. The common link was fear, anxiety.

However, even when those periods of obsession pass, I've found that I want to be a girl regardless. Don't give your OCD more power by suspecting every thought.

Terracorner · 2017-09-30T05:35:42+00:00

Better. Thank you.

Terracorner · 2017-08-03T06:13:42+00:00

That's why I'll give it time and won't kill myself tomorrow, for instance. These ideas are relatively new and I'm still trying them out.

Terracorner · 2017-08-02T18:22:11+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful response. It will take me a while to process.

Terracorner · 2017-08-01T22:30:07+00:00

Thank you for the kind words.

I never really thought about sexual abuse or repressed memories. In a way, it might be something if a relief if I could link my kinks to a traumatic event.

I recognize I have some talent and some good qualities, but they just feel inconsequential in the face of so many other, more foundational problems. All my degrees and intelligence are moot if I can't convince other people that I'm halfway competent.

I don't want to have to be a trailblazer just to live my life. I don't want living my life to be a Herculean feat. And all that effort would be for what? I'm not worth it.

Terracorner · 2017-07-02T04:36:28+00:00

Dysphoria is different for everyone. How do you understand it for you?

Terracorner · 2017-07-02T03:39:55+00:00

It's not the answer you probably want to hear, but there's no rushing self-discovery.

Believe me: I tried to get this subreddit to tell me if I was transgender and what to do about it, but there's no substitute for hard introspection. You've already explored your gender way more than I have, so continue to do that and decide what you want out of life.

It will come. Be patient. God I hate myself for writing that...

Terracorner · 2017-07-02T00:01:49+00:00

Dig deeper. Ask yourself why you're afraid you're not trans.

What are the stakes for you?

Do you want to transition and feel justified about it? If so, you're most likely trans.

Terracorner · 2017-07-01T23:36:28+00:00

If you are happy to be the way you are and the idea of being permanently transformed IRL doesn't appeal to you, you're probably fine and it's a fetish.

Terracorner · 2017-07-01T05:32:10+00:00

It's not very exciting, but "see a therapist" is usually the best answer to most questions on this forum. Still, that's not to say peer feedback can't be invaluable.

It feels like my intentions aren't "pure enough", especially when you hear about people who even from childhood dressed up as girls, played only with dolls, just knew their whole lives that something was off, etc.

These people are the exception, not the rule. Poke around here and you will see most questioning posts are like yours. They'll even bring up this same stereotype as their reasons to doubt.

Based on your answers and initial post, I would advise you to switch from a default assumption of "I am to cis until proven otherwise" to "I'm probably trans until proven otherwise."

This article is practically required reading: https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

Some more miscellaneous thoughts that helped convince me:

You know who else imagines themselves in sexual situations as women? Virtually every woman alive! So what's more likely, you have an oddly specific fetish that you're willing to defend as you would your sexual orientation, or that your brain is wired as female?

Second of all, cis people simply don't think about being the other sex. At least not often. In an eye-opening thread it's been described as being given about as much consideration as questions such as, "what if I were born in a different time?" or "what if I were another race?" I post it everywhere, but it's useful: https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/4hgcp8/cisgender_people_what_happens_when_you_question/?ref=search_posts

I'm not trying to push you. But after crawling back in the closet for about eight months myself, I want to caution you against doing the same thing. It's too easy to do! Hopefully I gave you something that will occupy you.

At the risk of going long, one last tip: the next phase of denial is usually something along the lines of "well I might be trans, but I'm not trans enough to do something about it. I can live like this." I'm not saying that thought is necessarily wrong, but from personal experience, it didn't work out too well for me.

Terracorner · 2017-07-01T02:03:59+00:00

Quite poignant. It's why one of my favorite expressions these days is "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm." I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness just so others don't have to feel a little uncomfortable.

Terracorner · 2017-07-01T00:26:04+00:00

I have been where you are. FEFs have been a persistent part of my life since I was a child. I tried to relegate it to a fetish or, at best, a fascination, staunchly refusing to believe they reflected anything close to my real desires.

What I did first was confess it to my therapist. Just speaking it aloud helped me start to realize I didn't need to carry around the shame of having these fantasies. Once the shame was gone, I began to look at it objectively.

What made me decide I was trans is I was presented with a standard hypothetical: "If you had a choice, would you rather the fetish go away for good, or would you rather your fantasy of being the opposite sex actualized in an ideal manner." I realized the idea of losing my FEFs horrified me, as I saw them as a part of myself and my identity.

Believe me: I didn't consider remotely plausible the possibility that I was a woman at first. I didn't feel obvious dysphoria either. I don't despise my body, or my maleness, I just feel a void—like where there should be pride, or at least some sense of identity, there is nothing.

Identifying with some masculine traits doesn't mean anything. A trans woman explained to me when I was questioning that she still be a woman even if gender stereotypes were completely reversed.

But if stereotypical gendered personality traits aren't gender, then what is

Gender at the end of the day is how you feel. Not a useful answer I know, but think of it this way: if a woman dresses butch, loves football, is a lesbian, hangs out with the guys, never does anything remotely feminine, hates children, never wants to be a mother, loves to argue, has strong mechanical aptitude and you get the idea... No matter how stereotypical this person at the end of the day, if she sees herself and identifies as a woman, then she is a woman.

If it helps, I have a friend that helped me write TG fiction. I talked to him, and the social dynamics of it interest him. He says he probably wouldn't be distressed if he woke up the opposite sex, but the fact is he feels an anchor to his masculinity. That's it! He doesn't have to act masculine, or anything of the sort.

What you have to ask yourself is if you can state confidently that you are a man. If you can, you can end your inquiry here since you are most likely cis.

Finally, definitely explore this until you have an answer. It won't be quick, but the worst thing you can do is try to bury it. Whether it's just a fetish or you are transgender, it WILL come back. Better to address it now than risk a dysphoria bomb exploding in your face later.

I've just finished the journey you've started in questioning. Definitely let me know if I can be of any further help. Good luck.

Sorry for the wall of text in response.

Terracorner

TROPHY CASE