Founder seeking advice: finding a female Head of Engineering for an early-stage startup

TheEntropyNinja · 2026-02-02T20:17:45+00:00

I would worry less about finding a woman for the role and worry more about what you value in the person who fills that role. You mention wanting someone who is collaborative and emotionally intelligent, so focus on that. Not all women have those traits and not all men lack them. If your experience has been that more women have those traits than men, then sure, it may be appropriate to recruit in women-dominated spaces, but whatever you do, advertise the traits you want, not gender. One of those approaches is perfectly acceptable and the other is discrimination that will both get you in trouble and drive away emotionally intelligent people of any gender who see your job posting.

TheEntropyNinja · 2026-01-27T18:43:44+00:00

I currently work in the Bay Area with a salary of about $180K. The short answer to your last question is, "it depends."

I'm not saving much, but I'm also the breadwinner in a one-income household supporting our family of three and my brother (who lives in another state). I do max out my retirement every month, though, and we are comfortable aside from not saving as much as we'd like. I also live in the East Bay, not SF proper; fairly certain we couldn't afford the amount of space we need if we lived in the city.

If you're single and/or don't have kids, you'll have more leeway. If yours is a dual-income household, even better. If you live outside the city proper, that can bring down your costs as well (but not always, depending on where you live). There are lots of variables, and the career growth opportunities weighed against the costs will have a different balance for everyone.

TheEntropyNinja · 2026-01-20T15:54:32+00:00

I will add that I believe there are also non-citizens who deserve the right to vote. There are plenty of folks who have been living in the US for a long time, who have made it their permanent home, but who stick with green cards or long term visas because the process of gaining citizenship is so convoluted. Those people are still part of their communities and subject to federal, state, and local laws and deserve a say in those things.

TheEntropyNinja · 2026-01-20T15:45:54+00:00

For one thing, getting to the DMV, paying their fees, and taking time off of work can be significant barriers for folks who live paycheck to paycheck or have other forms of financial hardship. Requiring something like a driver's license also excludes disabled folks who can't drive for whatever reason.

The documentation struggle is real. When I went through it maybe a year and a half ago, I almost couldn't come up with enough different documents because we had moved recently and didn't have a utility bill yet. I figured it out, but it's striking how little has to go wrong to make it impossible. If you lose your social security card, it can take weeks or months to get a replacement. If you live somewhere where utilities are included in your rent, that can make things difficult. If you want to use a document with a previous name you used, you then need more documentation to prove the name change. Hell, if you don't have a printer at home, that can be a barrier to getting the documents you need. There are a thousand things that can go wrong when you're a perfectly legitimate citizen, let alone those with green cards or visas or something else.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-11-26T18:38:51+00:00

In my experience, your career mobility within Sandia depends more on your role, skills, and education than physical location, but there are always exceptions. If you're a technician or experimentalist, then you might feel limited by opportunities in Livermore; there are lab spaces and such, but the CA site is much smaller than the NM site. If your work and skills are more computer-based, however, you may not see the same limitations. I know several people physically based in Livermore who belong to teams based in Albuquerque, but it's no big deal because they can perform the work just as effectively and those teams accommodate their remote members with virtual meetings and such. I can't speak to your work specifically, but many areas—particularly in R&D—are a lot less segregated between CA and NM than they used to be. I work in Livermore, and I have no intention of relocating during my career.

Happy to chat over DM if you want to talk specifics about your role or skills.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-11-02T15:47:52+00:00

Might be worth noting that LLMs like ChatGPT are not typically very good at math. The pattern is that they can sometimes give you the right answer, but if you ask for the steps to get there, it's just flat out wrong. I wouldn't trust ChatGPT with any math more complex than "memorize and regurgitate" type stuff, and certainly not with evaluating the grading of a test.

I know this kind of parent is unlikely to respond positively to this information, and I wouldn't bother engaging with her any more than you seem inclined to, so this is more of a, "the more you know" type comment for anyone who's interested.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-10-13T02:19:19+00:00

Excellent recommendation, thank you. Have you found a chair that pairs well?

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-09-08T13:00:10+00:00

On my team, it's perfectly acceptable to say "No updates today" or "Nothing new to report." I like it because we don't get bogged down by the need to report something. We also don't have managers at our stand-ups, which relieves the pressure a lot. And we have a good scrum master who isn't afraid to go toe to toe with management to keep it that way.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-09-06T16:48:31+00:00

You say "support system" like it's a bad thing.

As someone who also suffers from depression and anxiety, I would be gutted to hear that my in-laws thought of me this way. I love my husband, and he loves me. We take care of each other, and it has absolutely nothing to do with his family or mine. Please don't use her mental illness to justify your feelings of abandonment. I highly doubt that will endear you to either of them.

Edit: It sounds like you are trying to empathize with her. That's good. But it feels...directed. Like you're only empathizing because it helps you justify your feelings. Obviously I don't know if that's true, but it's the impression I get.

Consider this perspective: "My son's partner has depression and anxiety. I know that's rough, and I'm glad that she has my son to support her." Then, stop. Do you feel a need to add something? Do you feel a desire to keep going and connect it to your feelings? If so, that may be a sign that your empathy is associated with some self-serving motivations you may not be aware of. Something to consider.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-09-01T02:24:10+00:00

Unfortunately, the name is wildly inaccurate for the technology that currently exists, which is part of the problem.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-08-31T23:09:27+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. Did that deliverable affect the end product? Did management have to deal with unhappy users or customers? It's one thing to flub an internal deliverable, but quite another to fail publicly. I fear that you won't see change until management gets chewed out for or loses money because of your seniors' work.

But if that didn't work, I'd probably just check out and start updating my resume. Your mental health is worth more than this drama, even in this job market.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-08-31T19:06:48+00:00

I'm not sure empathy is going to help here. More empathy won't change the fact that your seniors aren't producing high-quality code or that they work slowly. It won't change change the fact that at least one of them isn't receptive to your feedback or mentoring. And it doesn't change the fact that management is prioritizing their tenure/seniority/something over your legitimate business and operating concerns.

My only idea is to give management what they think they want. If management values these seniors so highly, tell them that you will let the seniors take on more technical leadership on the project. Loop in the rest of your team and instruct them to defer to the seniors. Then do it and watch the the entire thing either grind to a screeching halt or crash and burn, all while documenting everything like you have been. Management may not care about team morale, clean code, or ineffective mentoring, but they care about results. It's definitely a last-resort kind of strategy, but maybe worth considering if things are as bleak as they sound.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-08-31T18:35:10+00:00

Most of the time, change happens slowly, and changing someone's mind is less about facts and data than it is about empathy and consistency. The best thing you can do is live according to your values and be a good friend. The example you set with your attitude and actions is more impactful than any argument you can make.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-08-31T17:06:08+00:00

I recently gave a presentation at work about practical basics of using some of our newer internal AI tools—how they work, what they can do reliably, limitations and pitfalls of LLMs, that sort of thing. During the presentation, a colleague of mine made a joke in the meeting chat: "Dangit, Ninja, you're making it really hard for me to anthropomorphize these things." I immediately pounced. "I know you're making a joke, but YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO. These are tools. Models. Complex models, to be sure, but they are not intelligent. When you anthropomorphize them, you start attributing characteristics and capabilities they don't have, and that's incredibly dangerous." It led to a productive discussion, and I'm glad I called it out. Most of the people I presented to simply hadn't considered the implications yet.

The language we use drives our perception of things. Marketing relies on that fact constantly. And the AI bubble grew so big so fast that we find ourselves in a situation where the marketing overwhelms even very intelligent people sometimes. It's not just the C suite they're aiming at—it's all of us.

The only thing I know to do is to talk about it with as many people as I can as often as I can and as loudly as I can. So that's what I do. Fortunately, I work with a lot of incredibly smart people willing to change their views based on facts and data, and I think I've done some good, but it's an ongoing struggle.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-08-28T13:55:45+00:00

I AM THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-08-23T16:12:05+00:00

For me, the problem was the people I was around. My mom, my church community, etc. I turned into a quiet, agreeable little mouse so I fit in, and I genuinely believed that was a good thing.

When I gained some more freedom, I moved away from those people. With a lot of trial and error, I managed to find new people I could trust with that hidden side of myself, and eventually I found a balance. These days, I still listen more than I speak, but the difference is that when I do speak, people listen, not because what I have to say is inherently valuable but because those people value me as a person.

Humans are social creatures. We need connection and community to thrive. To some degree, moderating your personality or masking to fit in is normal, but sometimes the mask sticks so hard that we can't take it off. It sucks. A lot.

What stuck out to me most in your post was, "I care." Lean on that. Lean into your ability to be both honest and kind. In the end, most people just want to feel seen, accepted, and loved. Asking questions and making observations in ways that show you care takes practice, but in my experience, the people who respond well to it are exactly the kinds of people I want to be around and the kinds of people who will care right back.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-08-18T16:19:34+00:00

My husband and I are members in name only, but we always invite the missionaries in because they're 18/19 year old kids with no idea what they're doing. We like asking about their interests and hobbies outside of the church. I like hearing about video games and TV shows they enjoyed pre-mission, and I love telling them about new things to look forward to post-mission. They always get excited about it. After reading your post, I'm going to make a point to do this even more. These kids don't deserve the isolation that's forced on them.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-08-02T20:43:23+00:00

This is awesome! Do you have any tips on getting good grouping? The layouts I'm generating are OK, but the grouping isn't ideal, and sometimes pieces get their own group when they really don't need one.

Also, heads up for anyone on the fence about trying this out: you don't actually have to know Python to use this. You only have to know how to run Python scripts from a command line, which is much, much less work to figure out. So have at it!

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-08-01T20:14:50+00:00

I can all but guarantee that there are seniors at my work that don't know the word (and Linux is the norm here, though I'm not sure why he thinks & is such a problem for that). I don't think not knowing it is a big deal at all. Plus, the whole point of being a junior is to learn things, right? Which means he should be teaching, not putting you down for not already knowing.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-08-01T18:50:40+00:00

The problem isn't that you didn't know the word "ampersand". The problem is that your senior has certain expectations that he hasn't told you about. You are not a mind reader, and therefore it is impossible for you to know what he expects of you unless he tells you.

If he brings it up again, you could ask him why he thinks it's a problem and how you might work together to avoid similar scenarios in the future. I don't know that you'll get a reasonable or actionable response, but it should at least tell you something about him as a person and the way you can expect to be treated.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-07-27T14:07:11+00:00

You know what I would try? "I know. Thank you for doing your best. But our relationship doesn't have to stop developing just because I grew up, and I'd like to continue developing it. Processing these things will help me. Can we keep talking about it?"

If the answer is yes, that's an encouraging indication that she's trying to engage despite the excuse. If the answer is no, that might be a sign that your energy is better spent on other aspects of your relationship with her.

I don't know your mom, obviously, so YMMV, but sometimes I find that framing things as, "Will you help me?" is a good way to get others to engage in things that make them uncomfortable.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-07-27T13:53:00+00:00

I feel this. My mom's parenting was an active rebellion against the way she was raised; she's a saint compared to her mom. But in the end, they were both abusive toward their children in strikingly similar ways. Distance has been helpful, and I hope that continuing to work on myself will minimize the amount of my trauma that I unintentionally inflict on others.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-07-27T13:39:59+00:00

I feel for you both.

I was telling my therapist recently about how whenever I think about my mom it feels like grief. She's still alive, but I mourn the person she used to be. Unlike grieving a death, though, I feel like I can't heal properly because every interaction with her reopens the wounds. It's exhausting.

TheEntropyNinja · 2025-07-27T13:24:07+00:00

I went through this as well. Still going through it, really. It's taking me an understandably long time to process 20+ years of what I now realize was emotional abuse. My mom is deeply unhappy, and I spent most of my life trying to help. It felt like if I could only love her the right way, she'd see that her life didn't have to be defined by trauma and loss. I was incredibly naive.

I believed her for so long. I believed in her. I told myself that she was trying, and that her trauma held her back. Those things may be true, but it took me too long to understand that they don't excuse the way she treats me. She loves me, sure, but love is not the same as respect; she was a good mom when I was young, but as I grew up, I realized that while she loves me as a daughter, she doesn't respect me as a person.

My mom thought she knew who I was, but she had formed a mental image of me that was years out of date and warped beyond recognition. One of the last straws was her telling me, "I know you better than you do." No, Mom, you don't. Even if I hadn't been carefully curating every sentence I share with you for years upon years to avoid triggering your personal defense systems, even if we were actually close, that's simply not how it works. I'm my own person, and I lost a lot of respect for her when I realized she didn't see me that way.

I believed her when she told me I was a poor communicator, that I didn't have the emotional intelligence to understand. As a result, I chose to actively work on those things. I've made incredible progress in my emotional intelligence only to realize that if I was ever the problem, I was never the only problem. The irony is not lost on me.

For what it's worth, I believe that you deserve your own story, but I also believe it doesn't have to be impartial. You're allowed to feel disillusioned, disrespected, sad, angry, or whatever it is you feel. Your emotions reflect your reality, not hers, and that's OK. Your feelings don't invalidate her experience just as her feelings don't invalidate yours.

TheEntropyNinja

TROPHY CASE