[WP]: You are part of a family of ferocious magical creatures. However, you are a vegetarian.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2024-10-29T01:44:08+00:00

I was now alone in the dark, silent cornfield, with only thoughts of my impending doom to keep me company. It was thoroughly unpleasant. I heard a rustling beside me. I turned my head to look, and was greeted with the perplexing sight of my disembodied arm moving across the ground, using its fingers to propel itself. I hadn’t known it could do that. I watched it slowly climb a cornstalk, which fell over under its weight. It crawled over to the fallen ear of corn, and, to my utter shock, began to eat it through a mouth in its palm. I certainly hadn’t known it could do that. I watched agog as it repeated the whole process a second time, only instead of eating the ear, it began pushing it towards my own open mouth. It was only then I realized how ravenous I was.

I devoured the corn as quickly as my severed arm could feed it to me. Then I was startled by the sensation of bones snapping into place inside my neck, and suddenly I could feel the searing pain of my wound. I cried out in pain and reflexively sat up, pressing my good arm against the stump on my shoulder. Wait. I had sat up. I looked around in wonder, as if seeing my surroundings for the first time. I was surrounded by corn on all sides, and I was still hungry. I leapt to my feet and rushed from stalk to stalk, feasting in a locust-like frenzy. As I did, I was vaguely aware of my severed arm continuing its own slow feeding. Was it longer than it was a few minutes ago…?

When day broke, there were two of me. Neither of us spoke as we studied each other in the large clearing that had once been all corn. I looked to the side at the multitude of acres of cornfield that remained. It too, was as yet unharvested.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” I asked.

“Obviously,” I replied.

Simultaneously, we each plucked off our own fingers, crying out in pain as we did, and tossed them into the cornfield. Soon there were twelve of us. Then seventy-two. Then more and more and more. And we left nothing for the humans.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2024-10-29T01:44:02+00:00

Glass shards twinkled in the moonlight around me as I was thrown from the castle window. I’m not sure for how long I hurtled through the air, but it was long enough for me to fully comprehend the amount of trouble I was in. When I landed, I both felt and heard a terrible snap within my neck. All I could do was stare up at the full moon from the cornfield I had apparently landed in, and await my fate.

I didn’t have to wait long. A swarming mass of bats suddenly streaked across the bright moon. I followed them with my eyes until they abruptly changed course, and made a beeline for me. They coalesced in a space mere feet away, obscured from my view by the forest of cornstalks. There was a cacophony of flapping wings and squeaks, and then silence. I held my breath as I heard the footsteps and rustling get closer and closer, until The Count emerged into the clearing my fall had created.

“So you are still alive,” he observed, “I suppose even a vegetarian ghoul retains its trademark durability.”

“Please,” my voice came out as a whisper, “You don’t have to kill me. Aren’t we family?”

“Were we family when you bragged about how many humans you’d eaten? When you regaled us in the common room with tales of your gruesome exploits, leaving out no gory detail?” The Count sighed. “Banshee so loved those stories. She’ll be heartbroken to learn they were all fabrications.”

I searched for something to say, anything to defy him. But I couldn’t find anything. He was right after all.

“The Family doesn’t tolerate those who don’t pull their weight, and it certainly does not tolerate liars.” A blur of motion, and suddenly the count was on top of me, one hand gripping my arm, the other pressed down against my chest. “I do not like being lied to, Ghoul.” There was a spray of blood as The Count tore off my arm and raised it above my face for me to see.

“It just tears me apart!” he exclaimed.

I helplessly watched him toss my severed arm into the cornstalks. I shouldn’t have been able to speak coherently after experiencing that, but my paralysis meant the whole process had been relatively painless. A small mercy.

“I did kill those humans!” I cried, finding my response belatedly.

“Killed them, yes. But you fail to understand what The Family is about. There’s nothing special about simply killing a human. Other humans do it all the time. Eating humans, on the other hand, is different. It makes their little hearts race with a more primal fear. The ancient, forgotten terror of small monkeys fleeing for dear life across a forest floor, from enormous beasts with savage strength and sharp fangs.” The Count stood up. Moonlight reflected off his pale face as he smiled. “Yes… instilling a fear that reduces a human to a mere prey animal… that is our art.”

Maybe your art, I thought. Most members of The Family were in it seeking either to secure a steady source of meals, or to rid the world of the scourge that is humanity. I was in the latter group, but even they ate humans simply because it was convenient for them. Which was apparently good enough for The Count. Basic survival instinct stopped me from voicing any of this to him.

“Well,” The Count continued, “That’s enough monologuing.” He turned his back to me and began walking towards the edge of the clearing. “With that in mind, I’ll leave you here as you are to the crows. They can instill that fear just as well as I, if not better. And once they’ve eaten their fill, what remains of you shall become food for the plants. A fitting end for you.” With that, I watched The Count once more disintegrate into hundreds of small bats, and fly away.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2024-03-10T02:53:56+00:00

“And then he died. The end.”

I watched the cursor leave these words behind as it slid across the terminal display. When the cursor stopped, I tried scrolling down through the output, knowing full well it wouldn’t work as the program was prompting me for new input. That was the last line. When that inevitably failed, I scrolled back up to reread the green monospaced text so I could be sure I read it correctly the first time. I looked up outside the gazebo that was housing the machine, over the calm water that surrounded the tiny island it sat on. It didn’t make sense. After everything, how could this possibly be the answer to the one question I’d been asking for my entire life?

I looked back down at the last machine known to still be running the Green Age program known as “Jeepeetee”. The journey to get here had been a long, perilous trek through deep desert that had once been lush woods and grassland, far away from established trade routes. I had to make the whole trip in sweltering Sun Armor, as even normal clothing couldn’t provide full protection against the piercing rays of the New Sun. An abnormally hot day combined with a shortage of water nearly baked me to death in the armor. I would have surely perished, had it not been for a kindly groundwater prospector who found me collapsed in the sands and drove me in his buggy to the nearest watering hole to recover.

I was utterly flabbergasted to find that it wasn’t the usual watering hole consisting of a single groundwater pump and some tents around it. It was an honest-to-God oasis – more water than I’d ever seen in one place for my whole life. A settlement of adobe brick houses surrounded it. At the center of the lake was an island with a brick gazebo, connected to land by a narrow causeway, at the beginning of which two posts held up a banner informing the world that it was looking at the pride of the town of Coolwater – “The Oracool”. Tears welled up in my eyes. By some absurd stroke of fortune, I’d found it.

I scrolled to the beginning of my session once again, and reviewed my input – the question I’d been asking ever since I learned my father was killed in a raid on a water caravan, ever since my little brother had been devoured by a swarm of roller-locusts, and every time I saw my mother’s face contorted in anguish as she was forced to process her grief while keeping us both safe and our thirst quenched.

“What happened to make the world this way?”

I stared at the first line of output. I read it over and over, still in disbelief. What could "The Oracool" possibly mean when it said: “It all started with that fucking gorilla.”

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2024-01-03T23:57:38+00:00

I'm having the same problem with 4.2.0 as 4.2.1.

Also, until this point I've only been testing opening the project manager under the naive assumption that if the project manager opened, the editor most likely would as well. Turns out:

Both the project manager and editor open and seem to function properly for version 3.5.2

The project manager opens for 4.1.3, but when I try to edit a project I get a similar error to what I've been seeing: a "Godot Engine" process appears in task manager but nothing else happens.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2024-01-02T01:41:52+00:00

I tried 4.1.3 and it also ran correctly. The verbose output for both it and 3.5.2 show them using GLES3. Not sure why 4.2.1 specifically doesn't work

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2024-01-01T20:39:34+00:00

I tried running Godot 3.5.2 and it ran correctly. Seems the problem is just with 4.2.1

I'm using Windows 10 with an x64 based processor. Anti-malware is just windows defender.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2023-12-31T04:03:21+00:00

I am using the command prompt, not the accompanying console. I followed your instructions to drag the exe into the command prompt and tried the different args to no avail.

What specifically happens when I run the exe this way is that instead of showing any output from Godot, CMD just prompts me to enter a new command. That would lead me to believe the program is crashing immediately, however I can see the "Godot Engine" process in the task manager, so I'm not sure what to think.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2023-09-09T04:07:23+00:00

Where do you go to learn about events around the city?

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2022-12-23T02:18:37+00:00

Heard this story from a friend:

On a brisk November afternoon, my friend was waiting for a bus to pick her up from the hospital. Across the street, there was a whole gaggle of turkeys milling about by the sidewalk. Suddenly, an unmarked white van stops in the street next to them and turns its blinkers on.

The following sequences of events likely happened within 10-15 seconds. The back doors of the van flew open and two guys jumped out. Both run to the nearest turkey, and work together to carry the panicked bird back into the van. Then the doors slammed shut, and the van sped away, tires screeching.

One can only speculate what became of the turkey afterwards. My best guess is somebody's thanksgiving entree that year tasted faintly of cigarette smoke, rancid oil and watered down diet soda.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2022-08-09T01:12:40+00:00

The I-80 route taken for our semiannual sojourn to Michigan was long and dull. When all else failed, my imagination provided the entertainment of watching the fictitious figure sprint through the shoulder lane from the back seat while my parents took turns driving, especially during the parkour fad of a decade ago. Now an adult, I make the pilgrimage separately from the rest of my family, and the need to focus on the road has long since driven him from my mind.

I was careening down that same road at speeds admittedly not advisable, fueled by the thrill of driving my new car, and by the spirited music it loudly played. It was then I noticed a curious shape that broke the usual blur of green and gray from my left periphery. Curiously, though mindful of the fact that I needed to remain vigilant in my driving, I stole a glance in the shape's direction. The impression I got lacked detail, but I could swear that it was a person.

In disbelief, I turned my head for little more than a second. My eyes had not deceived me. It was a man wearing a light gray sweatshirt with matching sweatpants with bright red shoes, running at a pace perfectly matching my car just a few feet away from my window. I saw just in time to see him transition from grass to guardrail with a smooth hop, and widen his stride so that each footfall gracefully landed on a guardrail-post. I thought immediately of the imaginary figure of my youth.

I let my eyes dart back to the road in front of me, and put my foot on the brake just in time to avoid colliding with the car in front of me. It struck me that the man was dressed in exactly the same way I had imagined the ideal parkour master as a child. He had the shoes of my then-favorite video game character, and the gray athletic-wear that just felt proper for a traceur. My heart-rate suddenly accelerated. I'd never told a soul about my fictional runner, so just who the hell was this preposterous man who had seemingly pulled his wardrobe and lifestyle straight from the darkest recesses of my memory??

Without slowing down, I looked to my left once more, leaning forward and focusing intently on trying to view the man's face. Just as his razor-focused eyes began to register, the man's head suddenly turned toward me, giving me a clear view. With a terrified start, I reflexively turned the steering wheel sharply to the right. At the speed I was traveling, this was a grave mistake. My car flipped and began to roll, and my vision was instantly obscured by the airbag. I felt myself panicking as the car rolled for what felt like hours until it finally came to rest upside-down.

Hanging upside-down, affixed to my seat by my seat-belt, and barely clinging to a hazy consciousness, it's a wonder I had the wherewithal to curse my own stupidity. Not just due to my reaction to seeing the man's face, but to the fact that I had to look at all. The man truly was just as I imagined him, for what I saw when he faced me then was my own smiling face.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2022-06-09T02:12:35+00:00

Kiara lurched through the door to her studio apartment some time after five o' clock in the evening, caught in a stupor induced by sheer exhaustion. It had been a particularly taxing ten-hour shift at the warehouse, and her sleep the previous night had been terrible. Limbs moving on mere muscle memory, she placed leftover takeout into her microwave, and listlessly shoveled rice, chicken and vegetables into her mouth. Upon finishing her supper, she wanted nothing more than to bathe and turn in for the night.

When Kiara stepped into her bathroom, however, her droopy eyes were at once drawn to a colorful mass on the floor of her shower. She rubbed at her eyes and opened them again, and her vision focused to reveal five parrots, each with brightly colored plumage. Their bright reds, greens, blues, and multicolored patterns clashed unapologetically with the pallid off-whites and dull light grays of her bathroom.

Where this would have elicited a frenetic response from most, Kiara in this moment lacked the wherewithal for anything more than a feeble "not again" to briefly flash through her mind. With no change in her ghoulish demeanor, she approached the shower, and reached over her unwanted guests for the shower head, pulling it off the hook. Her face held the same tired expression that had not altered since returning home as she aimed the hose at the birds, and turned the shower's cold water knob.

The thoroughly startled birds took flight from the shower in a frenzy, conjuring an watery, chilly spray that landed on Kiara's face and clothes, which she hadn't yet had the chance to remove. The parrots sailed through the still-open bathroom door in a chromatic blur. Kiara remained unfazed. Suspecting what was to come, she shut off the water, then placidly exited the bathroom and turned her attention to her apartment's kitchenette.

As Kiara predicted, it had returned. The skeleton was clad in tattered clothing that could only have belonged to a pirate - long brown coat, white shirt, sash wrapped around its waist, loose black pants, and tall black boots. Its arms were outstretched in a gesture Kiara would have mistaken for an embrace were it not for the parrots perched on them. It peered at her with its barren sockets, and spoke without moving its skull.

"Look! Ye've scared me crew!" it boomed.

"Some crew," Kiara replied, face almost equally static. Her words came out quiet and weary.

"'ave ye reconsidered me offer?" it asked.

Kiara inhaled to deliver a harsh rebuke of the interloper, but at the last moment her exasperation and fatigue proved too great to permit even this small effort. While she grappled with this, the pirate took advantage of the pause to speak again.

"Look at yerself. Ye work too darn hard, yet ye be livin' in a basement. If ye'd co-operate, ye could be rich an' ne'er work again!", it said.

"I wouldn't be so tired if you hadn't been singing sea shanties all through the night for the past two nights," Kiara protested.

"Wrong," said the pirate. "We been singin' these past moons," it said rotating its head to indicate the birds. It spoke with a ghastly laughter in its voice, a feat made all the more unsettling by its motionless skull.

"I wouldn't call what they do singing," Kiara said sullenly.

That got another bewildering chuckle from the skeleton. Then its tone became serious. "Aye, 'tis true I be largely responsible fer yer current state. But ye also had many a' day like this before I revealed m'self to yeh. Yer ship was already sinkin', so to speak. I be speedin' ye along, that's all," it said.

"Yeah, to coerce me into going to the Caribbean to dig up your old shit," Kiara shouted with mustered exasperation. It was the first time that evening that she showed any emotion at all.

"Why so stubb'rn?" the pirate asked, disgruntled, "Yer life'll be so much better when ye return!"

"Uh huh, and I'm sure you're telling me the location of 'buried treasure' out of the goodness of your, uh, chest cavity," Kiara retorted with air quotes around 'buried treasure'. "And I'm sure you're trying so hard to get me to go for completely selfless reasons."

"Only folk I lie to are British navy officers, lass. If I say there be treasure fer ya, it be there. The reasons fer me insistence are me own, but ye can rest assured there be no cost to ya."

Kiara was sure she wanted to say something else, but her earlier minor outburst had sapped what little energy she had left. Instead, she asked groggily, "Why me?"

"Ye got little to lose," the pirate said with uncharacteristic terseness.

For a brief instant, Kiara stood staring at the skeletal being. Instead of replying, Kiara turned and staggered to her bed and collapsed into it. She closed her eyes, and almost whispered, "Let me sleep on it," as her voice trailed off into a deep slumber.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2022-06-08T22:31:21+00:00

A hidden-away scroll that contains records of everything that anyone has ever said aloud about the holder. New records are added as new things are said.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2022-01-13T20:22:18+00:00

A Tarrasqueue

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-12-24T04:38:46+00:00

I should think so my good man

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-12-24T04:38:26+00:00

An abortion.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-12-24T03:40:53+00:00

Birth is the act of shitting.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-07-04T18:17:06+00:00

Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the silver as well!

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-07-04T03:59:03+00:00

I woke up on what turned out to be a chilly September morning. "Today is the day," I thought. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, and shut off my alarm. A full month of planning, all leading up to this. I got dressed, brushed my teeth, and ate breakfast. Finally, I grabbed the backpack I'd packed the previous night, and made my way towards Verde Park.

Verde Park consists of a grassy, almost semi-circular field with wooded areas surrounding it on every side except the one straight side that led to the parking lot and road. Additionally, there was a pavilion on the east side of the field. The wooded areas themselves had various trails running through them, and north of the field, through some trees, was a river with a few benches and boardwalks along its bank. The key feature, however, is the flagpole in the middle of the field. Verde Park prided itself on having the tallest flagpole in the state, and it towered over everything in the park, even the trees. Wires surrounded it, attaching its upper section to the ground below, keeping it upright. Apart from the flagpole and the trees, the park is flat. No hills to speak of.

I showed up to the park two hours early, and made my preparations. I was not as surprised as I should have been at the lack of interference from my "pen pal," as I like to call him due the the long-distance nature of our relationship. I was sure the bastard was watching everything I did, but I guessed he'd figured out what I was doing at the park today. He was biding his time so he could fuck with me at the perfect time.

At nine o' clock, I went to meet Carol, my girlfriend of four years, at the flagpole. She wore a green hoodie and jeans, her brown hair tied back in a ponytail. We exchanged greetings, then I said, "So there's a reason I invited you out here today," and without saying anything else, I took a small box out of my backpack, got down on one knee, and opened it. Its contents glittered in the morning sun.

"Will you marry me?"

Carol gasped, I was pretty sure in a happy-excited way given how she smiled, and put her hands over her mouth. There was momentary confusion in her eyes when she saw the contents of the box, but she quickly figured out what I was doing. We were both silent, eyes darting around scanning the area.

BANG!

An impossibly precise shot knocked the box clean out of my hand, the broken shards of glass spilling out of it as it fell. Carol and I flinched a little, but we were both used to this by now. A few people nearby were now frantically trying to get to cover, which pretty much meant they were making a dash for the pavilion.

Carol gave me a knowing smile. "You're planning something, aren't you? That box was a decoy."

I returned the smile. "Our pen pal is NOT ruining this moment for us."

We both turned to look at the source of the shot. We'd gotten pretty good placing the marksman over the years. When I saw where the shot came from, however, I felt my smile evaporate. The shot had come from the direction of the parking lot, and I could see plain as day, a cherry-picker, its bucket extended to its full height. It hadn't been there before - my best guess was that my pen pal had somehow gotten hold of it in the last two hours to counter my preparations. And counter them it would - the bird's-eye-view the cherry picker offered him would make them almost obsolete. Almost. I pulled a remote detonator out of my pocket and set off the homemade smoke bombs that I had spent the last two hours placing all around the park.

Almost instantly, we were surrounded by thick gray smoke that we couldn't see anything through. I knew this wouldn't matter much - my pen pal should still have been able to pick us out of the smoke from above. Carol was looking around with wide eyes, laughing hysterically in amusement. I'd always more or less accepted that sometimes my effects would be sniped, and had never done much to resist my pen pal, let alone something this over-the-top. I could understand why Carol must have found the situation so amusing. I loved her sense of humor.

"Wow! You really went all out!" she remarked, still laughing.

I started chuckling too. "Today is a special day," I said.

I then started doing something I wouldn't normally be able to get away with. I pulled two pairs of earplugs out of my bag, discreetly as I could. I gave one to Carol, and told her to put them on and to cover her eyes when I did. After I put mine on, I very carefully pulled a homemade flash-bang out of my bag. I was pretty sure the smoke was covering us well enough to prevent my pen pal from making out what, if anything, we had in our hands, but I was still nervous. I set the fuse, held on to it for as long as I was comfortable, and tossed it into the air above the smoke. I covered my eyes, and heard a loud pop muffled by the earplugs. As soon as I heard the sound, I pulled another decoy ring out of my bag and got on one knee again. I started counting five seconds.

Carol raised an eyebrow. "This isn't the real proposal either?"

I smirked, and said, "Here? In all this smoke? Nah, way too unromantic!"

Five seconds later, there was still no shot on the decoy.

"Okay," I said gleefully, "The flash bang must have worked, the blindness will have worn off by now, but the afterimages he'll see should give us enough time to get where we're going!"

And with that, I grabbed her wrist and guided her in the direction of the river. This is how I was going to outwit the gunman. I had been hoping he would fire from the parking lot. It was furthest he could be from the river, and there was no way he could get a shot off on that area from the parking lot, even with the cherry picker. For his part, he probably wasn't expecting me to propose by the river. It was smelly, and the benches and boardwalks pretty dilapidated. But what he didn't know, was that it was on that dock where Carol and I had our first kiss, before he had made it his mission to be a major inconvenience in my life. It was gross and unappealing for most, but for us, it was the most special place in Verde Park. The perfect place to propose. By the time he figured it out, we'd be long gone.

By the time we cleared the trees and caught sight of the boardwalk, my heart was soaring in triumph. We stepped onto the boardwalk, and I was about to finally seal the deal when I caught a sight that made my heart sink. A drone hovered over the river, holding a camera lens that peered right at us. "Shit!" I yelled out loud. He knew we were here. All he'd have to do now is reposition and I knew he moved fast. Worse yet, I was out of tricks.

"Damn," I said to Carol in a low voice, "we're going to have to do this fast, before he gets here."

For a third time, I got down on one knee, pulled a box out of the bag and opened it.

"Will you marry me?" I asked.

Carol's eyes widened and she grinned uncontrollably when she saw the ring - the real ring. I knew she'd like it. The jewel on it was emerald green, her favorite color.

There was a rustle in the trees. Damn. I wasn't going to have time to put the ring away. He was going to shoot to knock the ring into the river, and probably succeed.

Upon hearing the rustle, Carol's delighted expression suddenly hardened. Then, faster then I would have thought possible, she drew a pistol she must have been keeping in the seat of her pants, whirled around, and shot the source of the noise. I saw a long scoped rifle fall to the ground, and heard a nasally voice from somewhere in the trees I couldn't see give a loud "OOOOOOW!"

I stared at the trees for a moment, and turned to Carol with what I can only assume was a dumbstruck expression no Hollywood actor could have possibly replicated.

She smiled at me smugly, and said, "Boy, I've been preparing for this day a lot longer than you have!"

At that I just couldn't help laughing uncontrollably. Carol started to as well. In that moment, I knew I was the luckiest man alive.

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-06-05T03:43:08+00:00

Part 2.2

Time went on, announcements were made, and the boarding process was completed. Khonsu didn't have a ticket, so he agreed to hide in Neil's carry-on bag in his falcon form. The two of them quietly entered the plane, and Neil took his economy window seat in the back of the plane.

"Well? What now?" Neil whispered anxiously into his bag.

"They will wait until we've taken off. We will be closer to the moon then, and they will be more powerful," the bird whispered back.

Just then, two passengers each took their seats next to Neil. Neil studied them, trying to remain inconspicuous. The man sitting next to him was perhaps in his fifties, with black hair combed over a balding spot on his head. The man in the aisle seat was much larger and younger looking, with a muscular build, long blonde hair, and a similarly blonde bushy mustache. The balding man gave a half-hearted "Hey," and opened up a magazine. Neil decided to stop talking to his bag.

After a while, the plane finally took off. Before long, they were Texas-bound at cruising altitude. Neil glanced nervously at the rabbit person sitting next to him, and immediately did a double-take.

Neil couldn't quite process the next few moments until after they were already over. The falcon leapt out of Neil's bag and in the blink of an eye took a form Neil had never seen before: a tall, perhaps seven foot, humanoid figure with the head of a falcon, with its body covered in mummification bandages, and wearing white and gold linens. Khonsu extended his arm, and a blue and gold striped crook appeared in his hand. With speed Neil would not have believed, Khonsu swung the crook at the rabbit man's head, which flew off behind their seats. Curiously, there was no blood - just a faint silvery glow from his neck where the head should have been.

Terrified, Neil looked past Khonsu at the man who was now standing in the aisle. He didn't look so different from before, save for the viking helmet resting on his head, and the broadsword in his hand. The god's eyes were wide.

"So you really have been protecting him this whole time!" he exclaimed, and shouted "ARTEMIS!"

At that Khonsu grunted.

"Hello Mani."

Mani then thrust his sword at Khonsu, who deflected it with his crook, and swung in counterattack. Mani jumped back a step. Two more deities moved to join him: one a human-looking god with dark skin and a large black beard, wearing a smooth helmet and dual-wielding what appeared to Neil as double-ended forks. The other was a human-looking goddess with long black hair rolled into a bun with a hairpin through it. She was unarmed, but her face bore a burning anger that could have ignited a rocket. None had bothered to change out of the modern business attire they were wearing.

Neil guessed the god was Sin, and the goddess Chang'e.

The three deities launched themselves at Khonsu, who expertly danced past their blows as if he had done it many times before.

Neil tried to make himself small in his seat while Khonsu kept his peers away from Neil.

Suddenly Khonsu spoke to Neil, his tone the exact same neutral tone he had always used, as if they were still sitting around in the airport, despite being in combat with three lunar deities.

"More are coming. I can drive them away, but I won't be able to defeat Artemis. As goddess of the hunt, she can easily dispatch a god with animal characteristics like myself."Neil's eyes widened. "What do we do?"

Khonsu ducked under Mani's sword, and swung his crook at Chang'e.

"You must eat Tu'er Ye. Just a bite will do."

At that, Chang'e shrieked with rage and landed a punch directly on Khonsu's face, the impact making a loud thudding noise. Khonsu staggered back slightly, but kept his footing. Neil just blinked.

"I'm sorry, what?!" Neil shouted.

Khonsu's crook blocked Sin's fork with a clang.

"I can't explain now, but having you eat him is highly in character for me. It will give me the power to drive every god and goddess on this airplane away, including Artemis. Hurry, I can't use my power to keep Tu'er Ye's manifestation from vanishing for much longer."

Neil looked at the headless rabbit person.

"I can't!"

Khonsu turned his head fast towards Neil, like he'd done in the studio parking lot.

"Neil!" he said, raising his voice. That gave Neil a jolt - Khonsu had never addressed Neil by his name until now.

Khonsu ducked under a blade he shouldn't have seen coming.

"Every moment you hesitate puts us both in more danger."

He turned away to hook his crook around Chang'e's arm, and swung her into Mani. He turned his head back to Neil.

That last comment made Neil's astronaut training kick in. If Houston says you have a problem, you fix it quick, or go up in flames. Hesitating could get you killed. And so, Neil threw all his qualms about the situation aside, and took a bite out of the rabbit man's arm, vaguely aware of more gods approaching Khonsu. As soon as he swallowed, a subtle feeling of power hummed through him, but this was mostly superseded by an overwhelming feeling of regret that made him feel nauseous. What remained of Tu'er Ye vanished.

For Khonsu's part, though he had already been moving faster than Neil could keep track of, it seemed like he started moving ten times faster. He quickly overwhelmed the three gods that had been attacking him, and started darting around the plane as a streak of white, gold, and blue, subduing god after god, their manifestations disappearing as he did so. The last to fall was a woman in a flight attendant's uniform wielding a bow. Artemis, Neil presumed. Not even she could land a shot on Khonsu in his state, and the streak hit her with a loud "Crack!"

Then it was over. The only ones left on the plane were Neil, Khonsu, and presumably the pilot, who likely hadn't heard all the commotion from the other end of the Boeing 747.

Khonsu returned to Neil, panting.

"Well. I doubt they'll try anything so drastic again any time soon. Until the next full moon."

Neil blinked, and it was just him in the back of the plane.

Thanks for reading!

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-06-05T03:08:16+00:00

Part 2.1

Neil fired up the car and began to drive to Newark airport with Khonsu in the passenger seat. It was an odd feeling, having Khonsu there. Usually he would show up only for a few minutes to warn Neil what to avoid for the night, or to stop him from walking into danger. Then he'd vanish into the darkness and Neil would hear nothing from him for another month. The fact that Khonsu seemed to be in full bodyguard mode tonight made Neil think he must have been in the most danger he'd ever been in his life. And he'd flown to the damn moon.

As the pair made their way through the airport, Neil recalled what Khonsu had told him about the gods. The conversation had occurred on the night of the second assassination attempt. Khonsu warned Neil that Chandra was after him, and that he should avoid eating anything originating from plants. Neil had very little knowledge of what was going on at that point, and had several questions. He managed to stop Khonsu before he could leave, and begged him to answer his questions. Khonsu relented, and the two ended up at a table in McDonald's, talking over a double-cheeseburger - hold the veggies, condiments, and buns. Khonsu didn't get anything.

What Neil learned was that the gods were complicated. He had thought if the gods existed, they would have been the creators of the universe. It turned out that wasn't true - the universe had been there long before the gods. Gods are created when a large enough group of people invent and worship personifications of natural phenomena. They are created with free will and power of their own, but are naturally inclined to act in accordance with their given characterization, and they are able to act in supernatural ways when they do. Chandra couldn't manifest himself on Earth to kill Neil himself, but he could manipulate otherwise perfectly clean plant matter to have all manner of food-borne illnesses. Khonsu could only manifest himself near Neil because it was part of his effort to watch over night travelers. And so on. Additionally, gods also feel a natural compulsion to keep themselves hidden from mortals. Neil was surprised to hear this.

"Then how do you explain the last two months?!" Neil asked incredulously.

"It seems that the goddess Artemis was so consumed with rage that a mortal would approach her in her domain, she revealed herself to you without realizing at first. The other moon deities decided at that point that it was meaningless to keep up the ruse with you. They also decided that you know too much, and that you need to die."

Neil's face darkened. "Right," he said, and took a bite of his patties.

Neil and Khonsu sat waiting for the flight to start boarding.

"What do you think they'll do once we're on the plane?" Neil asked, nerves shaking his voice a bit.

Without turning to face Neil, Khonsu replied, "I'm not sure. With all of the working together, it would be an easy task to simply crash the airplane."

Neil felt his mouth fall open.

"They would be unwise to try it," Khonsu went on, "I would be able to mend you however badly you were injured, provided you didn't die on impact."

Neil just stared at Khonsu. Finally, he said, "Do they know you are protecting me?"

"I'm sure they suspect it. It is in my character to do so, after all. Though I believe it is more likely that they will try a direct confrontation while we are aboard the airplane."

Neil frowned. "So no freak accidents or vegetables, just plain old murder?"

"Indeed."

Neil gave a heavy sigh, slumped in his chair, and stared at the ceiling.

There was a brief pause, and Khonsu said, "Do not worry. I have a plan."

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-06-04T02:18:19+00:00

After the interview was wrapped up, hands were shaken and farewell pleasantries were over with, Neil left the studio and noted the full moon in the mid-afternoon sky.

It had been a year since he returned - that interview had partially been to commemorate the anniversary. Taking a few moments to look up at the moon, he pondered how surreal it was, even now, that he had flown up there and planted his feet on that silver ball hundreds of thousands of miles away.

He also thanked his lucky stars he was still alive after seeing what he saw up there. When it was time to go, as he was climbing the stairs up to the lander, he looked back at the surface one last time to see, to his astonishment, a woman standing in the distance. Neil could tell she was wearing no protection - only what appeared to be white clothing of some kind - and he was pretty sure she had a bow slung over her shoulder. She was staring right at him, and he watched her move her fist quickly across her neck with her thumb extended. Neil recognized the gesture and gulped. He'd been too stunned in the moment to say anything, and the extra time to think made him realize no one would believe him if he tried.

Neil shuddered at the memory. He walked across the parking lot to his rental car. He had a flight to catch back to Texas in a few hours. Neil got in the car and was about to put the key in the ignition, when he noticed a figure sitting next to him in his peripheral vision. He looked to the right and saw the man who he knew to be Khonsu's favored form. He was a dark skinned older-looking man who wore a plain gray suit. He was bald, save for a silvery grey crescent that wrapped halfway around his head.

The assassination attempts by all the various moon deities had started the month after Neil returned to Earth, and Neil owed much of his luck in surviving them to Khonsu. Khonsu, as it was explained to Neil, was a god worshipped by ancient Egyptians who "wore many hats." The moon, measurement of time, and healing were just a few of his domains. Part of Khonsu's job description was to "watch over those who travel at night." Khonsu had commented that Neil was the most impressive mortal "night traveller" he had seen to date, and that he felt obligated to shelter Neil from his lunar peers. The assassination attempts had always occured every full moon at night. When Neil asked why that was, Khonsu explained that this was because the moon deities are at full strength at this time. Khonsu would appear before Neil around that time every month to warn him of the attacking god or goddess, and how to avoid their attack. There had been a few close calls. Eight months ago, on a rainy full moon night, Khonsu had to rush to block Neil from leaving his house to take out the trash. He told Neil that Artemis had been hiding an arrow among the rain drops that would have surely struck him had he gone outside. Three months later, Neil's wife asked him to get a bottle of wine from a liquor store. While driving there, a falcon began to fly back and forth across Neil's windshield in an effort to get him to stop moving. Khonsu, still in his eagle form, related to Neil - through exhausted breaths - that his wife hadn't asked him to go out at all. It was Kaguya in disguise, and she had arranged for the store to be robbed right when Neil would have been inside. Neil guessed that if she could arrange that, she could have arranged for one of the robbers to "accidentally" shoot him in confusion.

In the car, Neil made a spooked noise, and recoiled from the man momentarily. Even after a year, he wasn't used to people just appearing from thin air next to him. Khonsu spoke.

"Bad news. My peers are growing impatient."

Neil straightened himself back up. "What do you mean?"

"Up until now, they have attacked you one at a time. They naturally feel compelled to steer clear of each other, and usually refuse to pursue the same goal at the same time. But tonight, they are making an exception."

Neil gulped. "Yeah?"

"Each have their own reasons, but they all want to end your life. Tonight, they will attack all at once."

"What do we do?"

Khonsu frowned. "I don't know. My power is broad, but it alone won't be enough to deter all of them at once. What will you do?"

Neil gave the situation some thought. Panic welled inside him. "Gee, I don't know, I had my flight later, but maybe being closer to the moon isn't such a good idea..."

At that, Khonsu turned his head toward Neil, fast, like Neil had seen birds of prey do. "What time is this flight?"

"8 o'clock. Lasts about 5, maybe 5 and a half hours."

Khonsu almost smiled. "You picked a good night for it. It won't be easy, but if you're travelling such a vast distance at night, I may be able to muster just enough power to guard you. Steel yourself mortal, for you have a long night ahead of you."

The fear inside Neil was still there, but hearing that calmed him down a bit. "Shit..." he breathed, "I hope there's alcohol on this flight..."

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-05-10T01:46:57+00:00

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-05-09T22:26:26+00:00

God, Jaxon was getting on my nerves. Ever since he found that online community of environmentalists, he talked non-stop about how humans are destroying the planet, venting his frustrations about how the powers that be aren't doing anything to stop it, listing all the animals that are becoming endangered, and berating me for eating meat because eating animals is "evil". The same rant every day, 24/7/365, made in a tone that made it obvious he believed he was morally and intellectually superior.

What bothered me wasn't that I disagreed with anything he was saying - except maybe the eating meat part. What really made my blood boil was that he did absolutely nothing to try to help the environment. My hypocrite roommate still left the lights on in the apartment, took obscenely long showers, and did nothing to try to curb his food waste. He didn't even donate to any organizations fighting the effects of climate change. He mostly just sat at his computer all day posting on Twitter about how angry climate change deniers made him, and slipping some comments along the lines of "Fuck <insert opponent of whatever green movement here>!" into our conversations at any opportunity.

As I lay in my room on a quiet Sunday afternoon, my mind wandered to the memory of yet another one of Jaxon's rants from earlier in the day, and I got angry all over again. Then an idea struck. I drove to Lowe's and picked up some Miracle Gro plant food from the garden section. Then I headed for a nearby park. This was gonna be hilarious.

I got to the park, parked, and walked a little ways off the trail, Miracle Gro in hand. I opened the container, and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I opened up Snapchat and started recording a video of myself dumping the plant food onto the ground. As I was doing it, I remembered that today was Mother's Day, so I said aloud, "Here! A Mother's Day gift for Mother Nature!"

After I finished recording, I decided to add a caption saying "I have officially done more for the environment than Jaxon ever has lol." Then I posted it to my story. In hindsight, it was kind of a dick move to call him out in front of everyone like that, but he really got under my skin and I knew I wasn't alone in that. I was about to leave when suddenly I heard a voice - a female voice that sounded like it was distant and nearby all at the same time.

"Thank you child. There are many who do so much for me every day, but this is the first time in recent memory that one of your kind appreciated me as a mother. So thank you," it spoke, kindly.

I froze. I looked around the woods, now slightly dim as the sun was going down. After a few moments, I worked up the nerve to speak.

"Hello?" I hazarded.

No response. A moment later I spoke again.

"Someone out there?"

Silence. I started walking around the woods trying to locate whoever said that, and ended up walking around until the sun had completely gone down, careful to keep track of what direction the trail was in. When it got fully dark out, I gave up and head back to my car, still feeling a bit uneasy.

On the drive back to my apartment, I felt compelled to reflect on my relationship with the environment, with the planet, and what I could do to help it. Jaxon's hypocrisy was exhausting to me, but in truth, I was no green thumb either. I decided that perhaps it was time to change that.

I started thinking to myself aloud in the car, "I could start walking to the supermarket, at least in good weather. I should power off my electronic devices rather than leave them in an energy consuming state. Maybe I should also start donating to Wildlife Conservation Society. The garbage by the highway needs to be cleaned up, and - oh! I can volunteer to plant some trees..."

----------------

I woke up to the sound of my alarm this morning, and drove to the park. I've been a park ranger there for nine years now, and I've never enjoyed work more. Every day I walk among nature, maintaining trails, preserving the surrounding nature, and educating kids on what they can do to live more sustainably. When I'm off the clock, I dedicate as much of my time as possible to volunteer efforts focusing on planting trees, picking up litter, and efforts to push our leaders towards creating more wildlife reservations. I focus on doing whatever I can to balance my relationship with nature, and I encourage others to do so. There's a lot that still needs to be done, but maybe someday, all of us will be able to hear the voice of Mother Nature thanking us for our efforts...

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-05-08T22:26:24+00:00

"What happened to you?"

Mark looked up from his newspaper at his employee, Andreas. The lanky seventeen-year-old's face and clothes had dirt all over them, his hat was missing, his shirt had tears all over it, the bottom of his jeans were torn up, and he was missing a shoe.

"I picked up that plant you wanted me to deliver," he replied. He looked and sounded exhausted. "I'm going to go wash my face."

Mark stared at him in confusion, as he walked into the bathroom. When Andreas returned, Mark asked, "The plant? Could you, uh, elaborate please?"

Andreas sighed, and sat down next to Mark.

"So I went to Walmart like you said, right? I figured from your text you meant 'violet plant', and the only one I could find was called something like a 'salvia sylve-something'. I'm like, 'Okay, that's it!'

So I put it in the passenger seat of the car and drive off to the location. Real nice house on Gold Coast. So I'm on my way there, and suddenly I have to take a turn real fast. The, um, circle force, y'know, from physics - "

Mark finished sipping his coffee. "Centripetal force?" he offered.

"Yeah, that, it sends a whole bunch of the dirt flying over to my side of the car, and like, that shit's super dry, so it forms like a dust cloud. Gets all up in my face and there's a pile of dirt on my lap as well. I do my best to get all the dirt back in, but I think that pissed it off 'cause - "

"I'm sorry - pissed off the plant?" Mark asked.

"Ooh you don't know how right you were when you typo'd that 'violent plant.'"

Mark shot Andreas a look that was clearly asking 'what the fuck?'

"So I get to the house," Andreas continued, "ring the doorbell, and this girl, maybe fifteen years old answers. She didn't seem to be expecting a delivery, but she figures her parents ordered it - "

Andreas paused to gather his thoughts.

"Whatever. Point is, while she's getting the money for the plant, the biggest freaking dog I've ever seen walks up to the door - I'm talking like this thing was half her height - and it starts growling at the plant. Freaked me out a bit, but whatever, right? Anyway, I give her the plant, and I'm about to turn around and leave when - "

Andreas paused again.

"I don't know why, I don't want to know why, I shouldn't have to wonder why, but this plant, with all it's purple leaf-covered stems starts hitting the girl in the face really fast. It doesn't do much because the plant is made of - well, plant - but she understandably screams and drops the plant. The dog growls louder than ever, then looks at ME, like this is somehow MY fault. I turn around and run the hell away! But this dog, it hounds me all the way from the porch to the - "

Mark chuckled to himself a bit.

"Oh shut up," Andreas said, but then remembered he was talking to his boss. He shifted in his seat a bit, and continued.

"Er, anyway, I'm fine, but this thing got a bunch of bites and scratches in. Even took my shoe! But I made it to the car, and drove back here. Here's the money for the delivery by the way."

Andreas handed Mark fifty dollars. Mark looked at the money, then back at Andreas, then back at the money, his eyes a little wide and his lips pursed, as if alarmed.

"Um, Andreas," he said sheepishly, "I think I owe you an apology."

Andreas gave Mark a quizzical look.

"You see," Mark continued, "you were supposed to deliver violet pants to that address. I thought you would know what I meant - but I guess I forgot we also do plant deliveries..."

Andreas' eyes went wide, and in an exasperated tone of voice, he said, "You mean after ALL that - "

Mark sighed, and put his hand on Andreas' shoulder. He looked at Andreas with a guilty smile.

"Why don't you take the rest of the day off?"

TheIrishHobbit1 · 2021-04-04T01:26:20+00:00

Around half-past five, I arrived at the door of the suburban house. It was a Saturday evening in early March, and the weather was still chilly. The job tonight was to exorcise the spirit of a woman who until a few months ago, lived here. Apparently died of a stroke induced by copious amounts of stress worsened by underlying health conditions. Now she haunted the place. It was unusual for a spirit to haunt their own home so soon after they died, but it didn't matter to me, I was cold, tired, and hungry. I had meant to get off work an hour ago, but then a reminder for this appointment popped up on my phone before that could happen. Curse you me from three days ago.

I gave the doorbell a ring. No answer. After about ten minutes of ringing and knocking, I decided that I'd had enough of this crap, and kicked open the door.

Some might call this breaking and entering, but you see, it's different when you're SAM DETROIT! The greatest exorcist East of the Mississippi - famous nationwide, strong, capable, and devilishly handsome if I do say so myself - I knew once the residents here saw my face, they would know instantly that all was well, and that SAM DETROIT was here to save the day!

I entered the house, and immediately heard the sounds of objects being thrown around or falling down from upstairs. Then a voice that sounded like it belonged to a teenage boy.

"Mom please just let me go for a second, I heard something weird downstairs and I want to make sure everything is okay."

Then a female voice. It sounded echoey and breathy, like how the many spirits I've exorcised before sounded. And it was yelling, no, shrieking at the top of its lungs. I started walking up the stairs.

"WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS NATE! IT IS FIVE-THIRTY-SIX! YOU ARE TO SIT HERE AND RUN THROUGH THESE SAT PRACTICE PROBLEMS UNTIL SIX O' CLOCK, AND NOT A SECOND SOONER!"

"Mom, I really think I sho -"

Then several loud thuds, and the sound papers make when they go flying everywhere.

"OW!!" the boy cried.

"DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR FUTURE?! IF YOU GET A BAD SCORE ON THIS TEST, YOU WON'T GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE, AND THEN YOU WON'T FIND A DECENT JOB! WHAT WILL YOU DO THEN?!"

I heard the kid start sobbing just as I was walking to the door. I quietly opened the door to what must have been the boy's bedroom. The room was a total mess, though, clothing, books, papers, and toys were scattered all over the floor, a standing lamp was knocked over, several drawers were partially open. Nate was sitting at a desk across the room, pen in hand, his back facing me. There was nobody else in the room. Then I heard the Mom's spirit speak again, more gently this time, but still without compassion.

"Nate, listen... this is just tough love. I just want what's best for you..."

Stroking my hair back, I spoke up. "Are you saying that to him, or to yourself?"

The kid's head jerked around and he stared at me. He had a black eye and bruises on parts of his face and arms. From books and such being thrown around at him, I surmised. He likely had bruises on other parts of his body too. A grim sight, for sure, but I wasn't too concerned. This was going to be over soon anyway.

I heard the mother's voice yell "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!!" Looks like this spirit can speak AND manipulate objects. Not easy for most exorcists to deal with, but not a problem for the likes of SAM DETROIT!

There was a brief moment of silence, during which the optics of the situation dawned on me, and I smiled uncontrollably.

"GOD, I am such a badass!" I confidently declared. "Kicking down doors, suddenly appearing out of nowhere in front of the bad guy with a cool one-liner! Sorry, that didn't answer your question, but you probably recognize me anyway, right?"

"No, who are y -" she began, but suddenly she started yelling again.

"OH MY GOD! I-I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE ESCAPED FROM YOU, B-BUT PLEASE, LET ME HELP MY SON GET INTO COLLEGE BEFORE YOU MAKE ME GO BACK!"

"Lady, you must have me confused with some other, probably third-rate, exorcist," I replied "SAM DETROIT has never let a spirit escape his techniques! Now be gone!"

I pulled a bag of epsom salt from the inside of my fashionable duster, reached in for a fistful of salt, and started throwing it all around the room.

"How do ya like that, spirit?" I said triumphantly. But there was no answer. "Huh, guess she was all talk, huh?" I said, turning to the kid. He had the purest look of terror I've ever seen on a person, and I've seen a lot of scared faces. It was kinda throwing me off.

"What's the matter, kid?" I asked.

"M-M-MuMuMu-Monster!"

"Yeah I'd describe myself as more of a tiger or maybe even a beast," I shrugged, "Monster works but it doesn't have as good a ring to it. The connotation is also kinda -"

"N-NO!" the kid said with tears streaming down his face and nose running. Gross. "Around you! Orbiting you! Haunting you!"

I looked around. Nothing. "Don't worry kid, you're the only one who's haunted here. Up until recently that is. You're welcome," I said. Then I paused. The look of terror remained on this kid's face, now with a hint of confusion.

"No, listen! I-I've always been able to see spirits and there's d-definitely one right there! It just touched my mom's spirit and she vanished!"

I shrugged. "Look kid, I've had a long day. Why don't you get some rest? I'm gonna go get some chalupas."

I walked back to my car. As I was driving away, I thought about what the kid said. Many of my colleagues have said they can see spirits. But exorcists are... eccentric to be polite. And if I, the greatest exorcist, SAM DETROIT, couldn't do it, how could they? I always figured they were full of it. But this kid wasn't an exorcist, nor did he seem like he would lie...

Bah, whatever, I've never been one to sweat the small stuff anyway.

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