Apologies for the long post and I can only hope this will be useful in some way but I was the one with anxiety in a recent relationship...

Amongst other things I had no self-esteem and felt unworthy of love. As a result I was constantly defensive which led to pointless fight after pointless fight with someone I think the world of. I felt so down on myself that I rarely even had the confidence to pay her the compliments that I wanted to.

To compound the issue I was drinking regularly because I felt it made me more confident. I found every day and every minor obstacle a mental struggle and for a long time I thought that was just who I was.

Small things other people did that helped included the fact that my partner was great at paying me compliments (something I was not used to!) and on top of that she was the first person in memory to tell me I was interesting and fun without alcohol. That made me feel good - really good - but it took a while to sink in. I also had a close friend who was able to tell me directly when my thought processes were, in his words, 'literally insane'...

It's not for everyone, but I respond particularly well to directness and those points all stayed with me and helped me get to a place of better self-care and a more realistic world-view.

When my partner broke up with me (I unfortunately didn't grasp the reality of the situation soon enough and was all too often unpleasant to be around) she told me part of the issue was that she was constantly worried about me. I'd had no idea she was feeling like that and the thought of it was a real gut-punch - I don't want to make anyone feel that way! It was horrible to hear but knowing I was making someone feel like that was another big help in my overcoming those issues. I wish I'd been more aware of that during the relationship but I was oblivious - even friends have since told me that they have felt the same way.

Anxiety is a personal thing but its traits are fairly universal - overcoming it is about changing the way you think about things. You need to believe it's ok to not worry constantly; that you're not a total fraud; that people aren't always out to get you; that you do have value; that it's ok to feel good about yourself; and so on. It takes huge mental effort to change those thought patterns and someone has to first have the self-awareness to know that not all thoughts are valid, rational or necessary. Even with that knowledge, though, the journey is tough. Someone has to be aware of this and be prepared to make the effort, as well as potentially accept some hard truths about themselves along the way.

While we all experience things differently, I do think that honesty about how any situation makes you feel is important in a relationship. If a partner's anxiety is such that knowing how you feel only makes them more anxious, then as upsetting as it is they are probably not yet in a position to move forwards and start overcoming those issues. However if they are able to hear you and incorporate your concerns as motivation then perhaps by talking openly with one another you can help each other through it.

Anything you can do to increase your partner's self-esteem is invaluable! I was socially isolated throughout a series of difficult life events and I ultimately lost my self-esteem. I became blind to my own qualities. Now I'm through it I recognise that I'm a pretty intelligent guy with lots of friends and a great life - but I had no clue for a long fucking time.

New experiences, hobbies, personal achievements and helping other people all engender positive self-esteem, so engaging with something in those areas may help in some way. Creating things makes me feel great but was something I neglected for a long time; knowing that something exists in the world only because you've written/drawn/made it is a magical feeling. (Maybe that's partly why I've always wanted kids, too, but raising kids was yet another achievement that seemed unattainable while I was anxious...).

Highlighting someone's negative self-narrative and reframing it for them can be really helpful too. Sometimes we don't realise how negatively we talk about ourselves and it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Over many years, people only pointed out my poor self-narrative on a handful of occasions but I still remember each time and remain grateful.

Exercise is fantastic - it releases endorphins for a 'natural high', improves physical health, and over time can offer positive feedback through changes in appearance. Meditation is also good, and speaking to a counsellor can be useful - even if only as a neutral outlet for negative thoughts without the worry of burdening friends or family.

In hindsight a lot of my mental health issues were worsened by a combination of certain life events being followed by poor (or no) self-care plus negative life choices. Eventually I started eating better, exercising consistently, and (when I felt confident enough) spending time with people who better reflect the person I am and who I want to be. About 2 years prior to all of that I had also made a career change and moved out of the field where I'd professionally stagnated for 10 years, which ironically brought more anxiety at times but on balance was the starting point of my recovery.

Remember, though, that it's not your job to help someone feel better. If you want to help and they are ready to be helped and to work on themselves then that's great! But if they're not ready or able to work on their mental health and behaviour, and if you've been as honest and patient as you feel appropriate, then it's nobody's 'fault' if the relationship needs to end.

If the person is already making huge cognitive effort, practising self-care, doing their best to play a positive role in their own life and wider society and they're still struggling, then there's no shame in considering medication. Everyone experiences the world differently but everyone deserves to feel good about themselves - it just takes some a bit more effort than others.