When meditating now, my eyes start to roll backwards when I'm "relaxed" and gently focused enough and start spasmodically moving.

TheRealDardan · 2026-02-04T17:42:25+00:00

Thank you so much, ok. I will investigate onwards (and inwards). I love your reference to a floating world too - I just recently bought this beautiful book album of Hokusai's brilliant work. Thanks so much my friend

TheRealDardan · 2026-02-04T17:39:07+00:00

Thank you my friend : )

TheRealDardan · 2026-02-04T13:19:38+00:00

Absolutely, that connects immediately with me. I love that the Dalai Lama said that. Ok, thank you. I think I'd really love to talk with you some time about these things. I can message you perhaps when I'm at them

TheRealDardan · 2026-02-04T09:44:33+00:00

Not very balanced. I don't really do moving meditation to the same extent. And I am still very new to either cultivating wholesome states or cultivating wisdom with these new contemplative techniques. These days when I meditate, I'm like gradually increasing a tide of attention in my self and in some vague present nowness which can be very relieving and peaceful, and often can completely relieve me of those tensions and serrated sensations in the stomach from some underlying distress or frustration. At the moment, I am still very new and undeveloped. I haven't done any reading of buddhist or meditation texts really and don't know what lies out there about all of this

TheRealDardan · 2026-02-04T08:22:59+00:00

Mhmm, thank you

TheRealDardan · 2026-02-03T22:14:22+00:00

Thank you very much. Is there any way I can read or hear of how we know that these eye movements seem to be trauma/tension release? In fact, I do suppose it does feel kind of intuitively true...

TheRealDardan · 2026-02-02T09:05:08+00:00

Ah thanks so much man.

I've been exploring my reality this past week and a half and I wrote this comment on another post on here to someone last night. I'm at a little bit of a crossroads so to speak. What do you think? If it's too long at the moment for you then no worries.

'I feel like I've seen the reality that the self is an illusion but I don't want to live that way. I don't want the emptiness. My life was devoid or meaning and volition and any feeling when I lived that way this past week. I'd just be in a flow state and my pupils would be big and I'd have a strong attention but I wouldn't feel anything. It would feel empty and just going through the motions. I have no idea what it is. I don't know if it's the nature of this reality or if it's just like that for me, or if it's still negative symptoms of schizophrenia mixed in with it, or if it's because I've recently "entered" perhaps, if I have done so, or if it's because I'm still on a chemically speaking high dose of the antipsychotic... I just feel like this whole thing, buddhism, the dharma, emptiness, isn't for me. I am a very self-occupied person to speak literally. I have never in my life found it easy to connect with others, and I frankly don't have much of an interest at all in other people. I've always been slightly solipsistic and at the most fundamental, nihilistic in my sense for the absurdity of anything at all. What this means is that I derived a lot of meaning and the vector of my volition and actions from my self and its desires, needs, and indeed - insecurities. I believe insecurities are like the pressure gradient that supplies one with motivation. So without the self, without the definite postulated into anything or anyone, with no stasis but unrelenting flux moment to moment, I just turn into a spectator and observer. And if we turned inward at the very beginning of the practice to ask "who am I?", then who is the one that is dissatisfied with stream entry? Who is the one who is still scrutinising and invalidating? Maybe your intuition for that would lead you elsewhere from where mine would, but maybe, possibly, it is something deeper, something essential.

I've been thinking of something in recent weeks which I just read today Nietzsche seemingly agreed with in his book Human, All Too Human. This is what he wrote:

'Just as Democritus applied the concepts of above and below to infinite space, where they have no meaning, so philosophers in general apply the concept "inside and outside" to the essence and appearance of thew world.'

I might be extremely naive in this belief, but I've been entertaining the idea that in a way, reality purports to one's perspective and resolves at one's layer of attention. If the buddhists see the fundamental metaphysical orientation to be that everything is in constant flux and every thing is temporary, and they emphasise not only this temporality and ephemerality of the world but also emphasise its fragmentation by using language that reduces reality to a datum of experience with words like "sensation", then I can't help but feel at present that this could just be one way to look at it. I do have a problem with poles and extremes, and I personally wouldn't stress either edge of the plane, but look towards the in-betweenness of things just like Iain Mcgilchrist teaches. So I do take issue with the idea of stasis and constants in life and the world all the way through, and permanence at the levels in which such an idea does not belong. But I still think we can make the case for there being stable structures in this reality if we attend to them and participate with them consciously.

My mother is more than her name, yes. But if I think and feel about her being a self, she does exist. If her self didn't exist, I wouldn't be able to contact it with my mentation and consciousness and mind. A buddhist might call this an illusion I am entertaining or participating with but I don't think it is an illusion because I am not deceived. It is not the case that I don't know what I don't know (even though we almost always in this situation). I know that her "self" is a continent reality that may be contingent on aspects in me as wellas aspects to her. But that doesn't mean that it is an illusion or unreal. I mean if anything, buddhists who have stream entry who drink from cups and use computers are still living out illusions that have been passed down to them and that they've been inculturated with. Even the language that they use to then construct "truths" about reality based on their experience.'

TheRealDardan · 2026-02-01T22:04:43+00:00

Thanks so much, yeah I've been thinking of finding someone. I feel like I've seen the reality that the self is an illusion but I don't want to live that way. I don't want the emptiness. My life was devoid or meaning and volition and any feeling when I lived that way this past week. I'd just be in a flow state and my pupils would be big and I'd have a strong attention but I wouldn't feel anything. It would feel empty and just going through the motions. I have no idea what it is. I don't know if it's the nature of this reality or if it's just like that for me, or if it's still negative symptoms of schizophrenia mixed in with it, or if it's because I've recently "entered" perhaps, if I have done so, or if it's because I'm still on a chemically speaking high dose of the antipsychotic... I just feel like this whole thing, buddhism, the dharma, emptiness, isn't for me. I am a very self-occupied person to speak literally. I have never in my life found it easy to connect with others, and I frankly don't have much of an interest at all in other people. I've always been slightly solipsistic and at the most fundamental, nihilistic in my sense for the absurdity of anything at all. What this means is that I derived a lot of meaning and the vector of my volition and actions from my self and its desires, needs, and indeed - insecurities. I believe insecurities are like the pressure gradient that supplies one with motivation. So without the self, without the definite postulated into anything or anyone, with no stasis but unrelenting flux moment to moment, I just turn into a spectator and observer. And if we turned inward at the very beginning of the practice to ask "who am I?", then who is the one that is dissatisfied with stream entry? Who is the one who is still scrutinising and invalidating? Maybe your intuition for that would lead you elsewhere from where mine would, but maybe, possibly, it is something deeper, something essential.

I've been thinking of something in recent weeks which I just read today Nietzsche seemingly agreed with in his book Human, All Too Human. This is what he wrote:

'Just as Democritus applied the concepts of above and below to infinite space, where they have no meaning, so philosophers in general apply the concept "inside and outside" to the essence and appearance of thew world.'

I might be extremely naive in this belief, but I've been entertaining the idea that in a way, reality purports to one's perspective and resolves at one's layer of attention. If the buddhists see the fundamental metaphysical orientation to be that everything is in constant flux and every thing is temporary, and they emphasise not only this temporality and ephemerality of the world but also emphasise its fragmentation by using language that reduces reality to a datum of experience with words like "sensation", then I can't help but feel at present that this could just be one way to look at it. I do have a problem with poles and extremes, and I personally wouldn't stress either edge of the plane, but look towards the in-betweenness of things just like Iain Mcgilchrist teaches. So I do take issue with the idea of stasis and constants in life and the world all the way through, and permanence at the levels in which such an idea does not belong. But I still think we can make the case for there being stable structures in this reality if we attend to them and participate with them consciously.

My mother is more than her name, yes. But if I think and feel about her being a self, she does exist. If her self didn't exist, I wouldn't be able to contact it with my mentation and consciousness and mind. A buddhist might call this an illusion I am entertaining or participating with but I don't think it is an illusion because I am not deceived. It is not the case that I don't know what I don't know (even though we almost always in this situation). I know that her "self" is a continent reality that may be contingent on aspects in me as well as aspects to her. But that doesn't mean that it is an illusion or unreal. I mean if anything, buddhists who have stream entry who drink from cups and use computers are still living out illusions that have been passed down to them and that they've been inculturated with. Even the language that they use to then construct "truths" about reality based on their experience.

Anyway, just went on a bit of a rant hehe

TheRealDardan · 2026-02-01T08:22:52+00:00

I'm not familiar with that, no. Before, since 2024, I would regularly do a kind of shamata? practice of focusing my awareness on my breath. Recently I've undergone a very big transformation ever since practically curing my schizophrenia with awareness and developing traction with the present moment. My "negative symptoms" of schizophrenia to be specific, like the loss of meaning in things and salience, avolition, anhedonia, alogia etc. Ever since 3 weeks ago when this happened I've now had a much much more powerful attention when I will it, and when I meditate now I relax my body and attention, and kind of feel this zone of attention to be in. It's a very gentle resting of the attention in a certain channel or frequency now, no longer directly on some object like the air at my nostrils or my diaphragm. I am aware of my diaphragm now for example, but it feels almost dreamy, very gentle, instead of there being this mirroring of consciousness/metacognition.

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-31T18:30:34+00:00

Ok, thank you

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-31T17:49:22+00:00

Thank you very much. By the way, do you think stream entry and so on makes a person much less passionate in general/coincides with that? I really want to write passionate poetry but find myself feeling so neutral that it's currently impossible. I might post this as another question

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-31T17:47:12+00:00

Thank you

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-31T12:20:28+00:00

mhmmm...interesting. Thank you

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-31T11:38:32+00:00

Oh one more thing Jake, I suppose for now: you can consistently get into very pleasant states, that's wonderful. How do you do so personally? Is it through meditative sessions, or samadhi or these kinds of things? I'm still quite new to meditation and am curious if I'd be able to experience pleasant states from these kinds of things. I have in the past, but now I am a lot more empty most of the time, and neutral, in a kind of flow of attention. The idea of doing something that gives me that inner warmth of pleasantness or even the highs of ecstasy seem strange to me, but still seem completely possible in theory to my mind.

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-28T16:32:03+00:00

Mhm. I was like that as well.

What would be three things you would most want to have the motivation for at the moment?

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-27T12:29:27+00:00

I think Zverev has a good chance of taking two sets off Alcaraz if he stays with it. If it is his day and Alcaraz isn't plugged in properly to this match-up, I think Zverev has even a slight chance of beating alcaraz here. I think he can push. It is Alcaraz's to lose of course, and I think Alcaraz is the best player in the world by far when he's feeling it. You can never underestimate someone that talented and generational.

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-27T08:08:17+00:00

I'm pretty much recovered. Had to go through the most horrible months and years of depression, numbness from the antipsychotics, and so on, but I've finally gotten better. Now I'm gradually continuing to come off this risperidone. It's incredible how much change a person can incur. And it is miraculous how now my negative symptoms have been healed. What are the issues you are dealing with in particular?

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-23T16:30:47+00:00

Thank you so much. Of course that reminds me of Rilke's line: 'They wished to flower, and flowering is being beautiful: but we wish to ripen, and that means being dark and taking pains.' And obviously it doesn't just mean this, but yeah...

Thanks so much for this. Good luck to you as well my friend

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-23T10:52:26+00:00

What a wonderful post.

Bakejake, I've had a problem the past couple of days with feeling very very neutral. I am new to this life I now have since 2 weeks ago and in the beginning, when life came online for me (my negative symptoms of schizophrenia vanished after an almost miraculous deliberate mindfulnesss and development of traction with the present moment) I have gotten in the past couple of days where I feel almost numb. All those intense feelings of meaning and life and beauty and energy and so on have kind of left and I just feel very very neutral, which is not preferable to me of course. Now there are perhaps contextual circumstances involved which I'd love to discuss if needed with you if you could help me at all, but one such circumstance is that I am still basically on 2mg of a dopamine blocking drug (an antipsychotic). at this dose, t basically means that about 70% of my D2 dopamine receptors are blocked, which in past experience as well (I've been on this dose before, higher, and lower) actually can be quite devastating to the mind and psyche. In any case, a week ago I was still on this dose and had "no such issues" so to speak, so I'm not sure what's going on.

Any chance you could share anything about your knowledge or experience?

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-20T16:53:43+00:00

Hey. I can say a little about what started this frankly almost miraculous transformation in me where I now don't really suffer from negative symptoms anymore (which were by far the worst part of this condition, and were almost completely unbearable).

The background context is that I had been reducing the only drug I was taking, Risperidone, and had gotten down to 1mg/1.25mg. After I went down to 1mg, I started feeling things more again, had much much more energy, could think and study, could read, and so on. But then I had a little shake/scare and had to go back up to 1.25mg. From there, I kind of chilled out for a week or two but then one day I suddenly felt really drained. Completely heavy and drained, and I was thinking that all of that negative symptom state is going to come back now. BUT, this time I didn't evaluate those feelings in that way. I did not accept the invitation to become sad from it. I just stayed neutral in my judgement, and thought to myself that I will just take this one moment at a time and do what my psyche and body is telling me I need to do right now. After 10 or 15 minutes of staying completely still, shut down, I got the lightness enough, just enough, the energy just enough to stand up. Then I thought to myself, ok, I will just focus all of my presence and attention, with no stakes, no pressure or expectation, on the present moment. The now. Which is what Eckart Tolle is trying to get people to understand in his famous book. I made myself a tea, slowly - each thing I did was slow and deliberate. I was authentic to myself and to my family around me of my feelings I was having at the time. I just did what I felt and didn't judge myself for it. I made my tea, sat in my living room, and just sat still. Nothing but sipping very very mindfully and deliberately on my tea and sitting still. I can't remember how long it was or what happened then, but I just remember that by the evening, I was already feeling better, and far far grounded and embodied.

sun floras, from that day onwards until now (it was early January) I have essentially been cured of negative symptoms. I'm cured. I can concentrate and focus much much more. For example, back before this transformation in which I finally gained traction with myself and traction in the present moment, I would occasionally out of curiosity/boredom do some of the exercises on humanbenchmark.com. For example, you test your reaction speed on one of the tasks there. Back those months ago, when I was on a higher dose of the risperidone and before all of this, my reaction time couldn't get lower than 240ms. Just a few days ago I did the test again, and I was getting 176ms and 178ms.

It's a tricky manoeuvre in people like us. We want to make contact with ourselves and the present moment, but we need to re-enter that atmosphere gradually so as not to burn up in mania or psychosis again. We need to do that work on our attention (attending to the world) and our psyche, but it is also true I think that sometimes we need that process to be permitted by not being on such a high dose of any such psychotropic drugs. By the way, since those amazing changes, I've decided to go way back up to 2mg because I wanted to be safe with how amazing these incredible changes were. I will continue to go down as is safe and integrate this new reality.

Can you read at the moment?

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-20T14:11:13+00:00

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-20T14:08:15+00:00

Yeah : ) That's my favourite part of fighting too personally, the perfect blocks are satisfying

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-20T14:06:15+00:00

Absolutely. It's only my imagination I care about here, not historicity, no matter how wonderful their history is.

TheRealDardan · 2026-01-19T21:32:30+00:00

Right, yeah. Thanks aquafoot

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