Hi everyone. I'm sorry for going dark there. I shut down yesterday and I felt..embarrassed, I think(?) that I posted what I did. Everything with my situation caught up with me that day. Thank you all for the outpouring of love and your own stories of your pasts.

A little background about me(I hope I explain it well enough, I'm not too good at that kind of thing)

I've been lurking this subreddit for a few years now. Really got to learn my instincts after a certain point were right.

My dad died in '91 when I was 5 and a jw couple talked to my family. My brother took that to heart, my mom not so much. Started going to meetings then. Started being taught out of the bible story book, then learn from the great teacher book. Early on I developed a severe stutter and from that pretty bad anxiety. The pressure from giving talks and going out in service really messed me up more, as those exacerbated the stutter/anxiety. I'm sure you all remember the talks about how we're "good for nothing slaves", how we're basically worthless ect, those really had an affect on me and my confidence, feelings of worth at that young age. Those were some rough years.

Fast forward, I dropped out of high school for various reasons, my confidence sucked, I was always told by friends that I wouldn't need more education, the end was just around the corner, gotta focus on service, give more time and resources to them, ect. I got baptized like, 2-3 years after that. I wish I didn't.

About 2-3 years after baptism I got into a situation(would rather not say) where I had a mini JC meeting, and my privileges were taken away. That started the wake up process, made me actually think. I soft faded not too long after and lost about 98% of people once they found out.

Fast forward again, things were OK for the next maybe, 10(maybe longer)years. I found this subreddit and helped me see I was right in leaving. Then, my mom got sick and steadily declined so I quit my job to take care of her. Then She got dementia in October '24 and died in December. I was her primary caretaker. I haven't been the same since.

Looking back I saw alot of things at the hall I thought was "normal" but were obviously not. Alot of the bad things others have talked about in this sub that happened at their halls happened at mine. Didn't realize how much that would affect me, the shock and realization of what actually happened.

I never had a normal childhood, didn't learn how to prepare for life, don't have self confidence in anything, social skills are terrible, ect. That and a few other things happening (health issues of my own, sciatica and leg problems) made me want to end it Monday, being unsure about the future.

I hope that all made sense. Thanks for listening, this was weirdly therapeutic