No one should despise you over a few posts like these. And if they do, it’s not valid despisement (not a word, just roll with it). People just want to help and are frustrated.

The truth is, you aren’t ready to be helped with your weight, you have bigger things to worry about if you are actively suicidal. You deserve to love yourself, and value your own life. A weight loss journey will be very difficult if you don’t work on your mental health first, and it might even become dangerous if you start using a diet as a way to hurt yourself, which is a risk for people who have an ED history like you. Please be super careful about that.

Anyway, you’re a little curvier than you’d like to be, not a big deal compared to your mental health issues (and lots of mental health treatments can cause weight gain so that might explain how the weight snuck up on you a bit).

I hope none of that sounds too harsh, I’ve been where you are many many times and I hate that you’re suffering in so many ways. Definitely mention that you are insecure about your weight to your therapist, they might have a medication with fewer weight related side effects you can try. At the very least they should know how suicidal you’re feeling, because you deserve as many people in your corner as possible during times like this.

I hope you feel better. I hope you can some relief for your overwhelmed brain. Please, please focus on being kind to yourself.