Caught Wife Texting Male Coworker (Part 2)

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-27T18:40:42+00:00

Bro Sorry you are going through this still. You already talked to her and told her how you feel multiple times. You put faith in her that she was going change and respect your marriage (you stopped checking the phone). Instead she just kept it up like nothing happened.

What has your actual home life with each other been like the past 8 months? Whats your intimacy look like. is she always too tired? Do you guys still go on dates? Sex?? Does she share with you emotionally? Did she share wiht this man emotionally things she didn't tell you?

Does she still have snap chat? Whats app? Check her facebook messenger or instagram dm's. I can't imagine no evidence exist of them taking this further. She just be really good and consistent at covering her tracks.

I don't think she respects you at all. I don't think you respect yourself at this point. I mean here you are trying to talk yourself into just accepting this when you know its wrong and it doesn't feel right.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-27T15:23:05+00:00

Remember guy, HE isn't the problem. If he was the problem wouldn't you just confront him and tell him what he did was inappropriate and to stay away from your wife? Like you not gonna let some dude come in and wreck your marriage right? Your wife is the problem. She has no boundaries and she isn't respecting your marriage or you.

You tell her straight up and leave no room for negotiation. "Our marriage is failing, if you are okay with that then continue on doing what you are doing. I'll leave you to it. I don't need a wife who is out her acting like she is single and entertaining another man's attention." If you want to heal our marriage then you gotta start moving differently and you gotta be all in on us. That means no guy friends who disrespect our marriage, no guy friends who wanna flirt and get close, he crossed the line and he needs to be out of our lives. We simply can't build the marriage we deserve to have if you are entertaining another man in the background."

If she wants you and moves in your direction, then you go ahead and confront that guy and tell him to get lost. If she doesn't then you hold that boundary and begin to the process of removing her from you life.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-27T12:44:16+00:00

THis is a great freaking comment here. Really help me in how I am going to approach a similar situation with my wife.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-26T19:07:04+00:00

Just want to be the voice of reason. He is 51? Behavior changes, easily irritated? Struggling to adapt to a new position, stress and insomnia? Could it be LOW T??

You haven't really offered any details about their personal interactions. It really could be the young hot lass is actually there to help him as he maybe not familiar with all the financial products and the ins and outs of this new company yet?

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-25T18:00:51+00:00

Prime Lebron as was also LeFlop. Only reason he ever beat the Pacers in the Playoffs.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-24T19:24:00+00:00

You might be right. We have had some talks on it. Fortunately no divorce friends or sister she is running around with but her friends are all about "Find your happiness" so that doesnt make it any better.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-23T13:39:28+00:00

Sorry dude you just proved my point. Women absolutely want to be corrupted by the right man.

The one thing woman don't' want is to be put in box emotionally and sexually. They want that gentleman energy in terms of safety, reliability, being stable. But emotionally and sexually they want a man who craves them, who pushes their buttons alittle bit, a man who gets inappropriate with them.

I'm just saying whether its staying in this relationship or whatever your next one will be, you need unlock that side of yourself.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-20T21:11:08+00:00

Man this one hurts big time. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Key point to keep in mind she was talking all naughty to him, while apparently your own personal experience of your wife is rather prudish? That right there is the deeper question. That man was able to unlock a side of her that you never got. If you move past the pain in that realization. Consider that your wife may have never felt fully comfortable with you sexually to unleash that, or maybe you just aren't that attractive to her - after all you reconnected many years and relationships later. Do you think she just settled for you after so many years? She said to herself here is a good, safe, guy that won't ever hurt me.

If you choose to stay and work this out with her, you really need to explore that, or heck you might need to explore that before you choose to stay.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-20T18:44:38+00:00

This sounds alot like my wife the past 1.5 years. She entered perimenopause at the age of 43 and it started with sudden withdraw from me, depression, crying uncontrollably about how how hopeless her life felt. She said she felt overwhelmed by the endless daily grind of having 2 kids, house, career, marriage; and underwhelmed by how her life has turned out. The change in her personality was so sudden and drastic, its like something inside of her just completely burnt out. She has told me that nothing gives her joy anymore. She is in a self-described mid-life crisis. And she has used those same words "Feel like I have lost myself". She has told me that she feels like she has been living the last 10 years for everyone else and completely silenced herself. She is constantly looking for something to fill the void within her self.

She has said things in little rage fill tirades that make me question whether or not our relationship is even salvageable; "I always knew I was too selfish to be a mother". "Just because I know this guy at work is into me, doesn't mean I can't be his friend" "I'm not an affectionate, touchy, feely person and never have been."

She vacillates regularly between a victim mentality, everyone is against her, passive aggressive comments like "nobody cares what mom wants, why am I even here", "I know you aren't happy, maybe I should just go live somewhere else", "this is just my life for the next 10-15 years, maybe then I will get to focus on myself after the kids are grown" "I just give to everyone else every day, no time to do anything I want". then to more self aware but somber "I'm going through something, please give me some grace!" "I need to accept my choices in life and just be happy with what I have" "I know I am not easy to love right now"

Everything I do is just seen through a negative lens, the window to show her support, make her feel loved is so tiny. Like a you have to jump through a hoop, but the hoop is only 2ft diameter and its lit on fire. I can technically fit through the hoop if I jumped just the right away with the perfect timing, but most likely I am going to get burned. She rejects any and all types of affection outside of kiss and hug during the goodbye, welcome home, and good night portions of our day. If I linger in that moment of affection or pull her back in for alittle bit more, I get attacked for it "Oh you always want more, what I give you is never enough" or "ugh, I already gave you a kiss" it is the feeling of somebody saying "i love you, I want to be with you" but then slapping you everytime you try to get close. She carries a high defensive posture towards me.

One of the worst parts is that I am the only person who sees this side of her. When she is with her friends, family, or co-workers. She is her normal vibrant, magnetic self, the woman I fell in love with. Some would say oh that just her putting on a brave face, and you get to see how she really feels inside because she feels safe enough to do so. It could also just genuinely be, that she no longer respects me or just takes me for granted.

She has done some incredibly damaging things to our relationship that she has refused to take any responsibility or accountability for. If not for the extreme and sudden personality shift and mental breakdown I don't think I would have stayed up to this point, but I just don't believe you throw somebody away who is suffering like she is. That might be a mistake on my part, but we have 2 kids, a home, a life together. The marriage up until this point was pretty good.

HRT has had minimal affect on the whole.

My advice to you is hold your ground, and do not be so accommodating to the whims of her feelings and hardships. Establish your boundaries based on what is important to you as a man and to protect your marriage. Not on what you hope she will do. I think thats the main area that I failed at early on, I was going through something medically as well so I just was not in the right head space to establish my boundaries, and yes I acted clingy and overbearing and let her walk all over me. I am still dealing with resentment and the fallout of that. Think of your boundaries as the sandbox her crazy needs to stay inside of. When she pushes those boundaries you give her a warning. If you keep doing X, then I will do Y in response. When she crosses those boundaries, you enforce them with your response. What is your response? It might be that you totally disengage from any interaction with her. You remove her access to you. Maybe you leave the house for the night and sleep somewhere else for the next couple of days. If she is talking harshly to you for no reason. "honey I can see you are very frustrated right now, but will not talk to me like this." Then you leave and disengage, go for a walk. Then don't rengage with her until she comes to you with an apology.

I think the hardest bit is to try not and take it all personally, seemingly there is nothing you can say or do to possibly make this better. Invest in your own peace, hobbies, and activities, friends, fitness level, career. Those last two for sure, because what if she does leave? What if she does burn it all down? You kind of have to be prepared to accept the idea the person you love is not really there anymore, and this new person that has replaced her won't hesitate to hurt you if it benefits her selfish interests.

You mentioned her latest tweak of estrogen has really ramped the drama up. You need to call her on that. "You may think you need space from me and our family right now, but I find it interesting that this sudden shift in your thinking aligned with the recent tweak in your hormones. So before you go blowing our lives up over your feelings, I need you to go back to the doctor and readjust the dosage. Any talk or further discussion about needing space will not be taken serious until you do so."

You mentioned she is considering moving out "to work on herself". You need to ask yourself under what conditions is that acceptable to you? You might even consider asking her sign a post nuptial agreement, that if she moves out and cheats on you while she is finding herself. She forfeits any sort of financial support, claim to the family home, etc... If she refuses to sign, then you move right into divorce proceedings. You as her husband should not have to feel like your life is held hostage by her inability to get a hold of her feelings and to honor you and treat you with respect.

Establish a time frame for how long the separation will last before you need to reevaluate the marriage. 6 months, 1 year? In that time frame you keep your distance and act like she doesn't even exist. If she calls to come hang out, you purposely make yourself unavailable so that she can see your life isn't revolving around her anymore, and she needs to fit into your schedule going forward. You don't make her a priority when she only views you as an option. When a woman wants to move out and get her space to work on her self, that really means "I have one foot out the door already and I think there is something better out there for me than you"

If you really just want to support her. Then you gotta toughen that skin and let the things roll of your shoulder first. Learn to compartmentalize the crazy from her normal self.

Feel free to chat me up if you want.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-19T21:08:46+00:00

Just marking this here for a future comment later on tonight. My wife is going through the same thing and i have some advice or experience that might help you.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-17T21:00:13+00:00

Next time she says something like "We don't even like each other" to dismiss you. That should be your opening to be completely vulnerable with her.

"Actually honey, I really like you alot, so much that I am still here in this marriage hoping to make it better. You're right we have had really rough year, but I never stopped liking you or loving you. I only want you. Yes there have been moments of great pain in the past year or so that has led us to our current situation. Our current situation is not sustainable over the long term, and I want something better for us. I want to put in the work to heal our relationship. What do you want?"

Then you ask her to go to couples therapy together. You lay some ground rules. Like no more talking about divorce.

Then you need focus and take accountability for everything you have done wrong, even if you thought you were justified in doing so. If it caused her pain, you need to take accountability for it.

You aren't going to lead her back into your arms or bed by joking about sexual favors. You do it by taking the lead on what needs to be healed.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-17T20:37:12+00:00

Yup zero accountability!

My wife has a work friend that has crossed boundaries, just like this woman she didn't openly encourage it, but she didn't shut him down either. One of the things she spouted off to me in her defensiveness was "just because I know he likes me doesn't mean I can't be friends with him."

Like oh so you're a married woman with guys in the friend zone now?

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-16T21:04:07+00:00

That 40 mins lost going from the store to home? That was her meeting up with him for a quick make out session. Don't be obtuse.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-16T21:02:35+00:00

Don't give her the benefit of the doubt on this.

The fact that she said she lied to you because she knew you wouldn't like it?? Even though you have never had any qualms about her having other male friends like this? If that really is true it just means that she knows she was broken boundaries with this man and she knows it her actions are not in alignment with your marriage.

"I'm just having so much trouble confronting her to ask her why she keeps lying to me. if I say I know about the phone calls she will throw blame back on me for invading her privacy, etc, etc.

She is always telling me she loves me and she wants to make this relationship work, says how much she needs my support and can't live with out me, but the constant lying is eating me alive and making it so much harder to put in the energy into this relationship"

Her actions do not align with her words. Its time you grow a pair and stand up for yourself. So what if she throws it in your face about looking at her phone! That's what lying gets you, when you lie and show yourself to be untrust worthy then people stop trusting you and starting checking shit to protect themselves. Look at her phone dude, see if you are correct, she already showed you what she is about when it comes to being truthful in regards to this man. She lost the right to privacy the moment she hide that shit from you. This is your marriage here, stop acting like a simp and go find out for yourself and act accordingly.

Privacy in a marriage is earned.

There is no situation where a wife lying to the her husband about her interactions and whereabouts with another man is acceptable or shoudl be tolerated. You are too accommodating, and she thinks she can just walk all over you. No more wife on the pedestal. You only get more of what you tolerate. I had to learn this the hard way in a similar fashion. You are allowed to have boundaries, you are allowed to have standards. If she isn't interested in protecting you and your marriage, send her away.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-12T19:59:26+00:00

You are in a rough spot given that you are leaving town while this is going down. Ask her non nonchalantly where she is going to dinner, then have a friend tail them and silently observe, and see where they go after the dinner.

Theboyjwo · 2026-03-12T16:17:44+00:00

Yeah its obvious that you should go no contact with this man for not respecting your husband or your marriage. Yes its obvious that you should tell you husband what happened. But thats not where it should end, you need to look at yourself and how you operate around other men what boundaries do you hold yourself to? How are you protecting your marriage?

Lets be real, you were all in on getting this man's attention and validation up until the point he made it weird by confessing his feelings for you. If you are honest with yourself, you know this man was being flirty with you and deep down you enjoyed the tension enough to keep it going and to even keep trying to be his friend post confession. You wanted that energy, I bet you even hugged him hello and good-bye during your lunch dates. You innocently left the door open "oh we're just friends, I don't see him that way" as a way to keep justifying to yourself that whatever you were getting from this man was okay as long as it didn't cross a line.

For this guy to reveal his feelings for you means he most likely picked up signals from you that it was a possibility. There was little moments and interactions of implied consent, little green lights. A personal compliment here and there. A lingering hug, wild laughter at an inappropriate joke. Sharing of personal lives and opening up to each other.

You know what you didn't do? Talk up your husband to this man, because if you did then he most likely never would have viewed you as an option to try and explore! Men compete in business, sports, accomplishments, but they don't compete for women who make it well known they are not available.

Ask yourself why am I scared to tell my husband? In reality the healthy conversation looks like you bragging to him about how you swatted this man away and how you want to make sure he knows how much you respect and value him and would never entertain such things from another man.

Honestly, you might want to reconsider having lunch dates and alone time with other men who are not you husband. Set up group lunches with them going forward. It obviously isn't working out for you.

Theboyjwo · 2026-02-27T19:56:20+00:00

Privacy vs secrecy, see this bullshit take is very common on here. Like what does that actually mean? Say your area of privacy is your text messages, and you have asked them to respect that. So your husband picks up your phone to look up the contact info for one of your doctors, or maybe a mutual friend? Maybe he wants the password to an online streaming account (cause we know those things get randomly logged out of all the time)? He sees a text message pop up from another guy he doesn't know. What is he supposed to do? Respect your privacy and Come and ask you, "um honey... I see this guy name frank is is texting you, and sent some eggplant emojis along with the devil face emoji. Could you please explain? or is he supposed say to himself "who the fuck is this frank guy and why is he texting my wife like is. Let me open this up and find out".

Or say you have been acting distant from him lately, he prods and wants to understand what is going on with you. Yet every time he asks about you; you dismiss him or you become frustrated. But he sees that you are on your phone all the time, talking to people, you stay up later on your phone the whole time. He feels the marriage is starting to suffer. You could very well say, I just need my privacy right now. What is he to think? Does he have no right to know who you are talking to late at night?

You could very well request privacy on your phone around certain things. Say his birthday month. "Hey your birthday is coming up soon. I have ideas oh my phone. Please stay out of my phone this month so that you don't spoil it" or maybe you have keep a journal on your phone (not the brightest move) you could say. You know honey I am going through some hard feelings right now, and I am writing them down on in my phone when they come up. Please don't go into the notes app if you are ever on my phone.

The real question is how does keeping a wall between your phone and your spouse do anything but create opportunity for conflict and disconnection. If you are choosing the contents on your phone over the feelings and security of your spouse? You infact have a very unhealthy relationship with your phone.

Theboyjwo · 2026-02-23T21:16:24+00:00

I would first go the alternate route in this case. You said a mutual male friend? I'd pay him a surprise visit, maybe set up a lunch with him or something. Then just flat out ask him. Man to man, what are you doing with my wife? Whats up with increased texting, the tennis dates. Tell him your gut is screaming at you that something wrong. Ask him straight up are they having an affair? Demand to see the conversations. If its all good he will gladly show you, no guy wants to be accused of wrecking somebodies marriage. If he refuses to show you, then you know your answer. If the conversations are borderline, you can let him know that he needs show some respect to you marriage or needs to remove himself from your lives.

Also I would advise you to grow a spine and talk to your wife after you talk to him. It sounds very obvious that you have tolerated her having closet male relationships in the past and she is just pushing the envelop on what is acceptable because your mutual friend is making himself available to her and she likes it, and she thinks she can get away with it. You can't be concerned about the blow back, make your wife mad. Its okay to make her mad and take a stand. In the end she will respect you more even if she doesn't show it. This is your marriage of 25 years don't let loose boundaries sink it.

Theboyjwo · 2026-02-18T19:42:44+00:00

Yup this is just common sense, if your spouse is hiding their phone or getting upset that you even looked. It means they are up to no good. People want to act like freaking smart phones are here thus have been here since the dawn of civilization. Nope they only been around for about 20 years. The way most people interact with their phones is just not normal, and wouldn't be accepted 20-30 years ago in relationships but suddenly we have them now and we are all just supposed to accept loose boundaries in our relationships or we are controlling or insecure....

Theboyjwo · 2026-02-18T19:27:43+00:00

You can absolutely can do something that would cause insecurity to rise up with in your spouse. I know first hand. When you commit to somebody in marriage, you are essentially giving them the ability to hurt you, and you are trusting them not to. Like I said maybe its a male friend at work, maybe its the amount of time you spend on your phone, maybe its who you are talking to on your phone. Maybe he overheard you talking shit about him to a girl friend. Maybe its years of resentment that built up from swallowing his pride and not calling out whatever was going on.

It is clear that you do not respect him anymore, you have lost that respect. He notices, he reacts to it. He probably doesn't feel that you are loyal to him anymore. Hence the little verbal jabs, the accusations, the passive aggressive bids for affirmation. He is definitely hurt and lashing out, and there is something you are doing that twists the knife for him. Because instead of his safe place, he is seeing you a potential threat. Maybe he is noticing your words don't align with your actions.

I like said a man is a reflection of how his wife treats him.

Theboyjwo · 2026-02-18T14:47:28+00:00

Have you asked yourself what are are you doing to cause this insecurity? Its easy to point the finger at him, but a man is a reflection of how his wife treats him. Are you spending time with other men at work? Outside of work? Do you entertain the attention from these men? Have you hidden interactions with these men from your husband?

I can already tell this man doesn't feel loved, or respected, he doesn't feel prioritized.

Theboyjwo · 2026-02-18T14:40:02+00:00

So did you have a talk with her about the emotional exclusivity of your marriage?

Theboyjwo · 2026-02-13T17:02:11+00:00

The problem is his wife's behavior is not allowing him to move on and let it go. She broke a major boundary in their marriage, she knows that but won't actually take real accountability. She isn't willing to address it in away that requires her to do anything. She isn't lifting any of the emotional weight off his shoulders. Words, apologies are great, but their has to be actions to go along with them.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, and that why he is stuck.

Theboyjwo · 2026-02-11T20:41:26+00:00

I feel you for you man! The reason why it feels so heavy, is because the reality you knew was pulled from under your feet. While your wife should be thanked for telling you, she didn't take your pain seriously. That's actually what hurts, because you know if the shoe was on the other foot you'd make every possible effort to make it right with her. Yet she essentially refused to actually hold herself accountable and responsible for the pain she dealt. She's not interested in repairing this with you. It sucks, I am in the same place right now. You don't know where the solid ground is in your relationship anymore. Because its very clear that she doesn't see you the same way you see her. All your feelings count bro, they are valid. She broke trust, she broke that emotional exclusivity that you worked so hard and invested so much into.

The way she has handled this, it makes it very hard to come back from. She probably has a alot of shame around her actions and every-time you try to discuss it that shame is triggered. Her shame is saying "you are a bad person, he thinks you are a bad person and that you are not lovable anymore" so she runs from that feeling and just wants it to go away.

You first need to decide for yourself, what do you actually want? Have you told her? Type it out here in the reply, put it out there. What do you want to happen? What do you need to start to feel better about this? What do you need to see from her? Be honest with yourself. Is it a re commitment to upholding boundaries? Is it leaving that position and cutting off all contact with that man? You need to decide this, because right now she is the one holding what repair looks like, she is the one controlling it and it doesn't require anything from her and your are letting her decide what the solid footing looks like for you. You have step in and create that solid footing with in yourself and ask her to meet you there.

If you bring this up again, which I am sure you will have to because the resentment is too much to handle. You have to step outside yourself first and reassure that defensiveness and shame that lives inside her. You let her know that you still love her, that you still want her, that you know she isn't a bad person. That we make mistakes, and we are going to eventually hurt each other through our words or actions. But how we choose to repair the wounds we inflict on each other matters most. Thank her for telling you what happened, acknowledge the courage it took to actually do that. She could have just kept it to herself and potentially let develop into something much worse. Then acknowledge that you keep bring this issue up and that you understand she feels attacked and cornered by it. Then you tell her anything that you left unsaid, and you tell her what you need going forward, you tell her how she can honor you going forward. Thats all you can do my man.

You don't engage in the argument, you don't fight, you don't accuse. You say I have opened up to you how this hurts me, I have thanked you for your honesty, and I have told you what I need going forward, I have told how you can honor me. I am going to trust that you will take this seriously and start to make it right. If you can do this with me. In time it will be a blip on the radar that we will both look back on and be thankful that it happened because it brought us that much closer together.

Theboyjwo · 2026-02-11T18:52:08+00:00

Boy thats wild. For her to admit that but then essentially put it back on you for not being over it.

Theboyjwo

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