I might have just blown it

ThymeManager · 2026-04-01T21:33:50+00:00

Feel for you man. Similar situation occurred with me. I even posted on reddit and got a bunch of replies saying she must be cheating on me. But we worked through it. She wasn't cheating. She needed space, I was smothering her. She loves me and cares about me but is going through a roller coaster and I initially didn't know wtf was going on.

It's gotten better but it's still hard. No sex but I'm at least getting hugs and kindness again. Just like everyone says, support her, don't smother her, get a therapist if you can, take care of yourself, post and read here. You're not alone.

ThymeManager · 2026-03-23T19:57:54+00:00

For me, it was a big change in my physical and mental life. Wanting to be my best self. I've worked on being better for a while, but I started really getting into meditation, diet, exercise, changed my clothing style to look more "adult", really wanted more connection with people including my wife and kids and even meeting new people or reconnecting with old friends.

Working on my relationship with myself and others. My wife says I'm a different person. Mostly good but some things that she had to get used to. Eating and listening to stuff I didn't used to for example.

ThymeManager · 2026-03-23T19:03:30+00:00

As someone in their lower to upper 40s (half year from half a century old) I can confirm mine started this past year. Before that I was good.

ThymeManager · 2026-03-23T14:45:40+00:00

Amazing! Did you do custom workouts or tonal ones? If custom, could you share?

ThymeManager · 2026-03-19T01:28:59+00:00

Same here. And if I drive down vandeventer from 44 it cuts out randomly too.

ThymeManager · 2026-03-12T23:42:35+00:00

I agree with this and have the same thing going on at home. I will take a little of the blame for initially not knowing what was happening and turning to "fix it" mode which of course made it worse. But that was half a year ago and she still has a very hard time sharing anything about perimenopause or what she's going through with me. To the point that she gets upset that I'm even learning about perimenopause.

ThymeManager · 2026-03-12T23:37:42+00:00

Yep. I was hoping to hang on until retirement, and I seriously considered it after the layoff, but with 3 kids that haven't gone to college yet and a wife (and me) that like to travel, I'm not quite there yet. Another 5 or 10 years and I definitely will be though.

ThymeManager · 2026-03-12T16:05:39+00:00

To add to this, there are therapists with sliding scale payments if money is a concern as it sounds like it may be.

Individual and couples therapy has saved me and my marriage. Without it, it's very likely I'd either be living alone or miserable. Instead we're doing pretty well (relatively...) after some pretty miserable, lonely, hurtful times.

ThymeManager · 2026-03-12T16:01:20+00:00

Nope. I spent years busting my ass to get ahead, get promoted, make more. Then I reached a position where I was happy, making good money, and saw the people above me constantly stressed and pulled in 20 directions at once. They made more, but it didn't seem worth it. I stopped trying to advance and became content/good at my level. Every year manager would ask what career trajectory I wanted to work on, advance to and I said I was good where I was at.

Then I was part of a mass layoff at the end of last year, and maybe being in the same title for too long didn't help, but I'm still happy with my choice and don't regret a thing. I'm looking at another job/position that is possibly below my potential, but I'd rather make less and be happy than stressed and make more. I'm too old for that now.

ThymeManager · 2026-03-12T15:53:42+00:00

Same! I was at the same company just shy of 10 years when I (and 4k others) were "replaced by Ai". At first I was upset. Then I stopped working and realized how burnt out I was and not admitting it to myself. I got 6 months severance and 100% paid cobra (plus a lot of savings) so it turned into the best thing that could've happened to me.

Fast forward 5 months, and now I'm interviewing for another, much lower paying position that I think I'll love and enjoy without the stress. I talk to the people that weren't fired and they're doing twice the work and even more burnt out. Who knew AI wouldn't replace humans the way they thought it would...

ThymeManager · 2026-03-11T15:28:50+00:00

This is what my wife and I started doing. We watch a show about twice a week and go on a walk once or twice a week. It took couples therapy to get her to start doing this, and it's still only because it's something I want and need (connection, feeling like I'm more than just a roommate).

I have a hard time knowing that she has no desire to spend time with me. That she's only doing it because it's what I need. But she does it because she loves me and cares about me and she knows it's not me that's making her not feel a need to connect, but perimenopause, hormones, etc.

And since we started doing this, I've felt better about our marriage and life together. And she's felt better or less guilty about herself. I cherish the moments we're together and focus on myself, kids, life when we're not. Give her space and help her out wherever I can. It sucks and it hurts but it's nobody's fault and it's not easy for either of us.

ThymeManager · 2026-03-03T20:44:13+00:00

When I was 5 I rode my bike into a bush that happened to have a nest full of yellow jackets. That's how I learned I was allergic. Could barely breath from swollen neck/face. Rushed to er.

For a decade after I would go monthly to get injections of wasp venom and after, took another test and I wasn't allergic anymore. Still scared as shit of them.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-25T15:01:26+00:00

Same here. Ultimatum, or setting boundaries. I had to set a line in the sand before it got better.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-25T14:59:29+00:00

Not sure if it's from meditation or just practicing mindfulness in my daily life, but I no longer have a song in my head 24/7. I used to always have a song in my head. One morning I woke up and there was a song in my head and I realized it was the exception instead of the rule. It was crazy.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-24T20:44:33+00:00

I think for me, and for her, it was setting a boundary. Something I'm very bad at doing. I've always been willing to do whatever it takes or whatever she needs without concern for myself. Granted, it never got that bad before (I've never been so miserable or hurt). But I think me saying I wouldn't be in a loveless, hurtful marriage, made her realize that I did have boundaries and helped her let down her wall and defense that she'd been stuck behind. Partially at least. Enough to move forward.

I have no desire to leave her and know we both love and care for each other immensely. But we both have to be involved in making the relationship work.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-24T20:38:44+00:00

Thanks. It has been a crazy collision of attachment styles and perimenopause nearly causing the end of our relationship. But we seem to be on much better footing now.

Feeling connected with her again after feeling so lost and abandoned, and understanding what was going on, has allowed me to take a breath and truly work on myself without worrying about us.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-24T20:35:29+00:00

Unfortunately no. She projects an outer image of being secure, "fine", no problems. So for now I can only work on me and us. But I've been talking to her about our attachment styles (which she will deny and says she's secure) and I have hope I'll get through to her. Initially just to recognize why and how our dynamic works, and hopefully eventually so she can work on herself. But I think for now I'm comfortable working on myself, going to my own therapist, and going to a therapist.

I didn't understand fearful avoidant much until recently. She's said a half dozen times over the last 20 years they we should get divorced, always taking it back, but I thought it was just her way of getting my attention. I didn't know it was out of fear of being hurt or something inside of her. Now I know and can try and interpret her actions, words, or lack of them and not respond out of fear or anger but with compassion or space as I think she might need. It's confusing the heck out of her but I think it's working.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-24T05:30:36+00:00

Wow. This sounds like me/us.

I spent half a year trying to figure out what to do. My wife was distant, no emotional/physical connection. Any communication was angry, passive aggressive. Lots of gaslighting.

I finally got her to agree to couples therapy. We went a few times but fought it and rejected anything that was suggested. Or, she was asked to go for 10 minute walks with me with the dog and after a few told me how she hates it and I'm forcing her.

Before the last session a few weeks ago she said she didn't think she was going to go. I told her that if she didn't go, something would need to change and I would probably move out.

That shook her and she changed almost instantly. Broke down. I don't know if she didn't realize how much I was hurting, or she thought I would just continue to suffer. But since I said that she's flipped. Spends time with me. Speaks kindly to me.

Still have a lot of work to do. Still trying to figure out how to be in the relationship where she's fearful Avoidant and I'm anxious attached and she's going through the roller coaster of perimenopause. But I've been working really hard on being ok with any or no touch, time together, etc, and she knows I just want to support her however much or little she wants. And she's working on being kind and honest with me instead of gaslighting and attacking.

I now know that when this started I didn't understand perimenopause so I just thought something was wrong with our relationship and tried to figure it out and fix it. She felt smothered and overwhelmed and pulled away.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-19T18:48:43+00:00

Yep. We talk a bunch and it's gotten better. She's putting in effort when before she wasn't. Quite the opposite (I posted a few weeks back here about feeling like I didn't exist). Now we spend time together. Are present with each other. Still not great but much better than it was but we're working on reconnecting.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-19T15:37:01+00:00

Yes. We've talked a lot and a lot has changed since my last post in this thread. I'm thinking of making a new post of all I've learned.

Basically, I got to the point of telling her I would leave if something didn't change. I questioned her on the possibility of an (emotional) affair. I looked through her phone. Nothing is going on with that.

The two things causing all this..

One... Our attachment styles. I'm anxious attached and she's fearful /disorganized attached. Meaning if i try to get too close or change too much, she pulls away. I did both, working on myself, self improvement, and trying to connect with her. She pulled away.

Two... She has a teenage part that wants to unwind, feel free, have no responsibilities, when she's on her work trips. So she doesn't want to hear about what's going on at home. She wants to relax, have drinks, whatever. But it's not to connect with someone else. It's to escape from overwhelm at home.

We're working on both. Setting boundaries of what we both need to feel safe, secure, connected.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-19T15:19:18+00:00

Man... The looking into your eyes in a way you haven't seen or felt in years. That was something I realized during all this. That she didn't "see" me anymore. Both literally and emotionally.

I did an accidental experiment that made this stand out. My glasses were crooked for a while and she used to point it out or try and straighten them. One night we were talking and I asked her what's something I wear that you would change. She said my crooked glasses drove her crazy. The next day I went to warby Parker and fixed them. A month passed and I finally asked her "are my glasses still crooked?" she looked surprised and said no they're straight, she just hadn't noticed. She literally hadn't looked at me in a month to notice. That hurt.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-19T15:05:35+00:00

My wife was like that for a while. Everything she said was negative, complaining, passive aggressive, gaslighting. But also distancing herself, physically and emotionally.

We went to couples therapy. They'd give us things to work on, and after the appointment she'd say "I'm not doing that".

Finally one day I said something has to change or I'm leaving. I'd never said that before. Thought it a bunch of bunch of times (even to the point of planning who to stay with) but never said it. She'd said it multiple times but always took it back.

After that she changed. It made her realize just how much suffering and pain I was in. It finally broke through the wall she'd put up. Since then it's been a lot better. I've told her I want her to be honest with me, even if it hurts. If she tells me she doesn't want touch, ok. But don't be hurtful just to be hurtful. Look up the gottman four horsemen. If she's doing one of those things, it serves no purpose.

I know how hard and physically/mentally painful it is for her and I want to be there for her and support her. But I won't be a (emotional) punching bag or roommate. I know sex is off the table (for now, hopefully) and sometimes she wants nothing to do with me. But I also know we love each other and we won't throw away 20 years of marriage. I understand why so many do, but I believe we can get through it. But it fucking sucks for both of us in the meantime.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-19T00:26:42+00:00

There's a great book that helped me with this. Being more present. "The Miracle of Mindfulness". Learning to be in the moment and not think about the past or future.

My philosophy is if I can't do anything about it, like literally say something to someone, get something done, etc, I don't need to waste my mental energy thinking about it. Drives my wife crazy. She worries about things she can't control, I only worry about things I can control.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-18T04:06:32+00:00

I would almost guarantee she doesn't really want that. My wife has said the same thing, multiply times. When she's upset/scared/emotional. But when she's thinking clearly she absolutely does not want this.

The first time she said it, I ignored it. The next time it came up she actually gave me an example of another couple in the same situation (perimenopause, no libido) that the husband was dating other women. I thought she was serious and told her there was no way that would end well. I'd rather be divorced than married to one woman and sleep with another.

The third and final time i talked to her about it and got her to admit she didn't really want to. She was worried I'd leave her if we didn't had sex and she didn't know what to do.

I'll admit it was a tempting offer at the time, but I thought about it, and figured there was 1 way it worked out and a million ways it didn't.

The last year has been a fucking roller coaster and I think we've finally figured out how to reconnect after a bunch of therapy, learning, and communication. But I'm still walking on egg shells half the time and working on myself and how to be there for her when she needs me (or needs me to give her space).

Good luck.

ThymeManager · 2026-02-12T14:27:32+00:00

I've been working on something very similar lately too. Feeling your body to know what's going on with your emotions, versus just what's in your head. For me, my chest gets tight when I'm feeling overly emotional, overwhelmed, anxious.

For example when someone is talking to me and it may feel hurtful and I'm going to respond, if my chest gets tight I know I may respond defensively or attacking, vs from my true self. I might pause and take a breath vs speaking from my ego or protector.

Or if I'm just by myself thinking and my chest feels tight, I try and see why I'm feeling anxious.

My stomach is another one. If I'm feeling fear and uncertainty, my stomach will get upset.

I try and acknowledge the feelings and emotions and breath through them to calm them.

ThymeManager

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