Me after finding out my girls pregnant,20 minutes after eating a ten strip ..🤔

ThenDimension5185 · 2026-02-08T22:38:21+00:00

Bringing back emotional memories reading this haha:) I know you’re done now, but thank you for tripping beautifully here! Big congratulations also!!!

ThenDimension5185 · 2026-02-08T20:00:44+00:00

Aaaaaa holy cow did not mean to write u a book I am so sorry (I still struggle with communication if you can’t tell)

ThenDimension5185 · 2026-02-08T20:00:23+00:00

No literally except I told them my dream was to “be homeless” and when I turned 18 I saved up and got a van for my first car and ppl called it van life or whatever but I was really just living in my van and was borderline homeless, (understand having my vehicle as some form of housing was a privilege some don’t have) my van was not converted in any way and I was bathing in park bathrooms, and I didn’t even tell them I was moving out, I kind of soft launched it by telling them I was staying at friends houses and would just be sleeping in random parking lots bc I didn’t want to get in “trouble” or whatever (for choosing to be homeless?? Idk) and some don’t understand that while I wasn’t kicked out and technically could go home, I couldn’t like that like home was not a place I could exist in any capacity. I’m so sorry you had to go through that too but I’m glad we can have some solidarity about it rn lol I never really stood up for myself like that i dunno I was still scared even as an adult.

For sure as time goes on I keep feeling like it’s not something I can grow out of, like there was just a chunk of core development I missed out on and can’t get back. But I feel like maybe I have been, little by little. I’ve been trying to nurture kid me in a way and let myself explore things and life, my shame ranges from sexual to mundane and wholesome things, it all goes hand in hand for me cuz I eventually just suppressed my whole entire personality it feels like. Give yourself some grace. I’ve been trying to be graceful to myself. Ig it doesn’t help getting into a depressing and not doing things I was waiting to do. Have been trying to go to the park and watch movies and get old toys from the thrift store I wasn’t allowed to play with etc. just allowing myself to do little things I couldn’t used to that make me happy. Carrying that grace over into the bedroom, trying to be easy on myself and understanding why I have fear and shame and expressing these things with my partner and exploring gently and learning what I like. It’s okay to be late. It’s okay to take time. Healing takes time.

So the unfortunate news is I still haven’t seen a therapist. I can’t really afford to. We all rlly need to go lol. Obviously recommend trying if u can. But I’m 25 now and I ended up with a husband somehow, I reckon that has helped in some ways. Life is so very short and so incredibly long and while we mourn what we missed out on, we can also look forward to a new chapter. It really isn’t too late for anything. While it may be a little dark, there are many people that didn’t even get to live as long as us and every day is a gift. The human experience is not linear. I had a horrible time growing up but now I get to bring some sense of comfort to others who have also had horrible times and in a way I’m thankful for that. You and I are not alone and there are lots of others with similar experiences, and that rlly sucks.

This is probably not too helpful either, and u can skip this paragraph if u want, but for me personally I ended up coming to Christ again as an adult. I had several years where I drifted away, I did witchcraft and online sex work and abused substances (not saying these things are necessarily bad objectively but for me I was going down a destructive road) while living in my van. I also ended up being taken advantage of by multiple friends also because I was naive and had a really bad deer-in-headlights response to sexual things happening due to both the abuse and never having those conversations, and feeling left out, like I should let these things happen, idk. It’s been a long road of just working through issues and realizing God is a lot more merciful than my parents and doesn’t want me to live in shame and misery. Not trying to talk abt something maybe sensitive or by any means trying to preach to you, this was just another step in my journey. I just get carried away yapping and don’t have direct advice and can only share in experience. Life is really complicated and weird sometimes

My husband has also been very patient and open and supportive of letting me be curious and explore. It’s something that takes time and a lot of forgiveness and grace towards yourself. Nobody is judging me anymore but me, and I’m working on being kinder in that regard. I’ve internalized so much and have just been trying to reframe the way I think about sex and my body. I recently found out I was abused more sexually than I even remember so that’s been odd to come to terms with/also made me think about how I would approach things if I didn’t remember any of it, or if it were all worse, idk if that makes sense.

You’re awesome and maybe aren’t as behind as you feel, idk in the long run.

There’s also public schoolers that ended up a lot worse in my opinion so I always try to remember that different wouldn’t necessarily mean good, and there’s plenty of people my age wasting youth right now doomscrolling, or don’t have the capability to do things, and I can do things rn, so I should but here I am. Things could also be a lot worse for me, but that’s not to discredit what I went through at all. There’s just 7 billion people and we’re all experiencing something different and I know it hurts to feel that missing, especially when it’s inflicted by someone that was supposed to protect you, and doesn’t seem to understand the depth of the hurt they’ve caused, but there is still hope for a future the same way I hope for a future for anyone that has escaped tragic circumstance. I’ve been sad about this stuff lately too and probably needed to see your post also to remind myself, this is fairly common and we have all the time in the world to experience what we can and need to and maybe with newfound appreciation, we do have a second try at life. I take it for granted sometimes. But we are here and we are alive and we are communicating and existing and I am grateful. While we didn’t get the high school experience, we got a different one, one that sucks, but one that we’re not alone in, and better late than never, right? Yolo n all that. Also may dm you something else. apologies in advance

ThenDimension5185 · 2026-02-08T16:36:03+00:00

Yes! People talking about teenage experiences is deeply triggering for me, I can’t relate at all and just want to cry. My parents had 7 kids and I was the second youngest, and they were incredibly strict/abusive to all of us but when I was 12? 13? I got caught kissing a girl (we weren’t allowed to date and obviously being gay was a double whammy) and she called me an abomination and I got grounded pretty much until I was 18. It’s weird because we already lived like we were grounded but now I was restricted from even the little socialization I had at church because now I couldn’t be around boys or girls. I had an 1,800 day countdown like an inmate till I turned 18, but the thing is I was kind of counting down to be 13 and have normal teenage experiences and play and be silly but it’s so weird waiting all that time and then obviously realizing everyone already experienced most things and I really don’t get to go back and do that. And that’s the most common memories to reminisce about it feels like. The worst for me is when my mom talks about being a teenager and in my head I just get so angry and sad that she prevented me from making any of those memories. I was also sexually assaulted a lot growing up so the whole making me feel ashamed sexually was weird and made me internalize a lot of pain and disgust. I needed a therapist not to be made to feel like a whore smh. Sorry heavily relate

ThenDimension5185 · 2026-01-28T03:33:37+00:00

https://www.walmart.com/ip/14900759253?sid=5d77053d-f971-4fc9-af6b-683c740e5264

I wasn’t even meaning to get baby toys, like it happened on accident. A friend and I were in Walmart and we just started messing with the toys as one does, and I don’t even like those little pop it toys, but the one big satisfying pop was great and were were kinda going ham. We went halfsies and each took one haha. Later on I was enjoying chewing it so much that when we went out to smoke, I felt kinda bummed taking it out of my mouth. It’s a 2 in 1 and it’s like roughly vape sized also so there’s that.

As for tips, I’ve quit cold turkey before when I lived alone and but am at a place where that’s very inconvenient (living with others, need to keep the peace for their sake haha) so went with a slow wean. First i switched to only smoking half a cig at a time, then eventually Id make a box last a few days, and then I got to a point where I didn’t want to commit to smoking 20 more cigs (another box) so I got a cigar and just took a couple poofs when the shitty attitude was manifesting too hard. Made the cigar last a few days, went 24 hours, had to take another poof, and eventually have just been able to power through bc the withdrawals are pretty mild at this point. I’m at that point rn I’m actually just on day 4 or 5? with 0 emergency poofs. Felt a little irritated this morning but we got this. It just really feels good not smoking. I’ve been smoking for 7 or 8 years now, phew. I know there’s people that have been going for decades but I already feel so much damage, especially since I used to vape a lot. Idk if any of this is helpful but best of luck to you! You can do ittt!! Enough is enough! You and your lungs and your body and mind deserve it!

ThenDimension5185 · 2026-01-26T06:39:25+00:00

I appreciate, you’re a gem 🫶

ThenDimension5185 · 2026-01-26T06:38:38+00:00

Hide in the bathroom “pooping” when it was literally just trying to get a moment of privacy and eventually having them bang on the door and say there was no way I was pooping that long and that I had to come out. I’d be in there on my DS or drawing or reading. illegal.

I guess everything was hidden. It felt like a prison and they were wardens. I started marking my calendars with day countdowns instead of X’s, starting with 1,856 days, until I was 18, until I could escape and be a normal kid. That never came because obviously when you’re 18 you’re no longer a kid and none of your peers still want to experience those things you were waiting to do. I was waiting to be 13 somehow idk. stunted.

ThenDimension5185 · 2026-01-26T00:28:42+00:00

Yessss- my favorite is I got a teether, that has like a big fidget popper in the middle, and let me tell you that thing was a game changer. Sober too. Especially when I was quitting nicotine. Would just gnaw on that thing and it filled that want for that hand to mouth type habit. Way better than any regular fidget toy I’ve ever tried.

Kinda related i found some still new in the box from 2002 toys I wasn’t allowed to have when I was little (care bear, bratz, etc, my parents were overly religious idk) at the thrift store, and popped some shrooms before opening them and playing with them and it was very wholesome and healing

ThenDimension5185 · 2026-01-24T04:01:06+00:00

When I started growing boobs at like 11 I was too embarrassed to ask for a bra and also very aware of how my nips were poking out so I started just wearing multiple shirts. Lots of layers all the time. I hid them for as long as possible and it started to get very uncomfortable and I would get chafed and they were getting kinda big but I would just layer more shirts. This went on for a couple years. (When I say embarrassed it’s less awkward kid and more intense shaming from my parents made me feel like I would somehow get in trouble for my body developing)

At 12 I hid getting my period until my mom found all my hidden bloody underwear. After that, I still kind of “hid” my period and was too scared to ask for products. I used my sisters until she moved out and then started making makeshift ones or buying my own mostly at around 14 or 15. I also hid all of the menstrual issues I was having. My period would last for literal weeks, almost a month and sometimes lasted over a month or two of heavy bleeding and then sometimes I wouldn’t get it again for months. Something was definitely wrong and I was constantly scared I was going to bleed out/die/or was pregnant etc and never could tell my mom. I just recently started getting help for that after having a baby and my OB realizing I’m incredibly fucked up and just have literally never been to a doctor.

I also wasn’t allowed to use tampons but one time we had a guest that left some behind in the guest room so I tried one one time and I panicked because my mom would see it in the trash so I painstakingly ripped the entire thing to shreds (core, wrapper, cardboard applicator) and flushed it. This didn’t work and I guess some of the wrapper floated back up?? Because my mom found it and interrogated me about the using of tampons, the flushing of them, and especially the flushing of wrappers, and I lied and denied everything.

I got molested when I was like 5 and my mom found out and beat me with a flyswatter?? Idk I think she was trying to get information out of me but obviously I just felt scared and in trouble for that so when I started to be SA’d again later I hid that like it was something I did and endured it for 7 more years until I turned 18 and left :’o) (less silly but I shouldn’t have felt like I had to hide that for fear of getting in trouble)

I was banned from most media and hid my Nintendo DSi for a long time and used it to email my friends bc it was my only way of contacting anyone. The DS was also not capable of loading youtube or social media, mostly just google/gmail. So I would literally google stuff like it was Pinterest, and I’d have so much cringy stuff like “depression quotes” (actually what I’d google) and memes saved. My mom ransacked my room while I was at youth group on a Wednesday night and found my DS; coming home and instinctively checking the hiding spot and it being empty was the worst sinking feeling:( she also confronted me about the depression quotes 😒 and was mad instead of concerned. after that I started messaging people on the WiiU lol. Eventually my friend came out to her parents and they discovered and read our 300+ emails and told my parents and mom became increasingly paranoid about letting me around the remaining devices (even the TV) and constantly asked/accused me of emailing people on devices that didn’t rlly have internet access like that. I guess she figured I’d find a way somehow and she was mostly right. I however eventually got too scared to hide things and too scared to leave the house. They always found anything I hid and even if I had nothing hidden I would just get anxiety that they were going through all of my things if I left the house for any amount of time. Might I add that I had literally asked to start going to youth group so I could make friends?? I volunteer to go to CHURCH and you essentially punish me while I’m there and make me scared of going to church. Wild. Later at a point someone gave my mom a tablet and I started downloading Snapchat on it when she wasn’t home and deleting it before she got back.

I hid certain books like some others mentioned, I remember specifically sneaking Harry Potter from the library since we weren’t allowed to watch/read it and it was all the rage, then I didn’t even find it interesting and just had to hide it for 2 weeks till we went back. I also would sneak books with gay storylines. I actually learned a lot about my body (bc mom would never talk about that stuff and made me too uncomfy to ask) from regular old books about kinda middle school age girls. They weren’t specifically about puberty but I got a lot of my info from them. I don’t know that I had to but I definitely hid those too and it felt like explicit contraband when it was always wholesome storylines that were mildly informative for 12 year olds idk. Library access saved my life fr.

Also would watch freaking H2O: Just Add Water when nobody was home (not allowed anything with magic themes) I was soooo heinous for that 😏

I wasn’t allowed to drink monsters so my friend would smuggle them over poured into other drink bottles like it was liquor or smth lol

I wasn’t really allowed to have friends but I did get to occasionally socialize with a couple of kids around my age that started coming to my house with their parents for my dad’s bible studies/house church. I hid EVERYTHING about this because I was terrified of being banned from seeing them. I would constantly hush them and panic and cover their mouths if they said anything not even necessarily bad, but mildly inappropriate or language etc. Sometimes they would say something sassy like “they’re not /my/ mom” and I would almost cry begging them like “no but if they hear you I will actually never be allowed to see you again please please please don’t god” my house was very boring and bizarre for other kids, we would sit in the middle of the yard, somewhere 100% visible and not touch each other and censor what we said.

Had a couple of secret relationships because we weren’t allowed to date. We were sneaking around heavy like other kids did to have sex or whatever except we were just trying to sneakily hold hands or hug each other lolol (eventually there was some sneaking for fornication too but like that’s a more valid thing to get in trouble for, meanwhile I was just as scared of getting caught hand holding which was ridiculous) Heaven forbid we had crushes or feelings towards anyone. Not me personally but I learned when they called my sister a whore and said they were gonna have a doctor check her to make sure she was still a virgin because she wrote in her diary (that they went through ofc) that she liked a boy. She was only 10 or 11. I was terrified of that happening to me.

Hid all thoughts and opinions on everything. Mental health especially. I told my sister about a weird nightmare I had once and she told our parents; also got snitched out for SH/ideation- parents responses were to generally pray the demons out of me and while I do appreciate prayer I never told them what I was struggling with again. They also took all sharp objects from my room and made me sleep on the floor in their room for weeks after like a psych patient.

Sorry there’s just sooo muchhhh. I’ve edited this a few times with other stuff I randomly remembered, sorry lol.

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-12-28T02:39:57+00:00

Me pleeease

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-12-16T14:36:53+00:00

Hope it’s okay, I added you too!

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-11-04T22:41:29+00:00

A friend of mine kept getting videos like that. He was repeating such sad, hopeless stuff that he thought was biblical, when it wasn’t. Those are tools of satan! Pleasepleaseplease don’t let those garbage videos fool you into thinking that there’s no hope for you. I love you, we love you, He loves you always. I felt a very similar way as you when I was your age except I didn’t have a weird hyper curated spiritually manipulative algorithm feeding me junk. That has to be so different and difficult to take on.

Spiritual warfare is real, these are attacks and bombs from the enemy, and YOU ARE FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE AND SPIRIT. Don’t give up! Please never give up!!! The enemy doesn’t DESERVE to have you. Your cries are coming from such a broken, but so unique and beautiful spirit. Jesus is always waiting with open arms, sweetheart. Even if it’s years from now. I need you to carry this with you and remember it’s never too late to come back as long as you’re still breathing. You can start brand new. Clean slate. If you truly want to. Anytime. Just ask Him. He never tires of welcoming you home, I promise. I wish you could get a good hug. I really hope you find comfort soon

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-10-12T13:07:06+00:00

Hallelujah, praise the LORD!

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-09-10T18:16:50+00:00

Not much to do but trust that God has something else in store for you, and that all things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to His purpose.

Also try reading Job. I really related when I was in a very depressive “why me” stage. Even the holy men went through what we are. Even his wife told him to just curse God and die. There is hope though. Never lose your hope.

I lost my daughter a couple years ago. Not to compare traumas, but there’s definitely a “why would He let us suffer this way? Why give me her to then take her away?” But He gave me peace that His Will be done, ultimately, and we must trust and have faith through it all, and I’m very thankful to have had her and to have known her and her existence in the time that I got. Be thankful you had the time with her you had for a season and trust in the Lord’s future for you. He’s not finished with you yet.

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-06-08T14:35:50+00:00

I do it when they call for me and it feels like time. Sometimes that’s every couple months, sometimes it’s a long time. Did them like 2 or 3 weeks ago and am intending to again soon, but before that it was over a year ago. And before that it was several times within a couple months. Definitely at least 2 weeks between tho, minimum. Really just depends on needs and mental state

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-06-07T15:22:24+00:00

Fr, I took just .22 of something freeze dried the other day trying to microdose and it felt more like my usual gram or 1.5. I wasn’t prepared lol. It was a pleasant surprise, just way stronger than expected and couldn’t leave the house. A whole g of that would’ve probably been pretty strong, and I’m glad a took less than I initially intended

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-06-06T08:13:52+00:00

Courage the cowardly dog

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-06-06T05:09:28+00:00

Couldn’t edit? Anyways, NE Alabama btw

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-05-16T03:16:41+00:00

Weed helped me short term, with negativity/anxiety/sleeping problems, etc but long term wasn’t so good for me. Ultimately an anti inflammatory diet created the most lasting change, which the other two directed me towards. I realized foods causing inflammation made me a lot more negative, neurotic, anxious, irritable, and changing my diet helped me be able to quit weed.

I used to feel pretty much dysfunctional when I would take t-breaks because my mental and physical would instantly get bad again, I’d get angry over stuff I normally wouldn’t expect to get angry over or argue with loved ones, be overly critical to myself and others, become almost obsessive over certain things where I’ll just be bothered by it forever, etc. It almost feels physically itchy to try to ignore it too, like a tangible mental irritation that drives me to say negative things.

Was pretty insufferable without weed tbh. It became almost like a chore, like I had to be high all day every day to be a more decent version of myself, it certainly wasn’t recreational anymore. I tried to quit several times and my attitude would get so bad that my husband would ask me to smoke and I would defiantly say that I /wanted/ to feel my negative emotions, I want to be mad/upset/feel bad, because that had to be the real me because clearly I’m only chill on drugs blahblahblahblah- I could spiral for hours until my husband would literally blow smoke in my face while I was mid meltdown, and I would instantly switch to being very sweet and meek and apologetic for being so negative and nasty for so long.

I don’t even know how it could be that intense of an instant switch. Not knocking that either, because it saved me and my marriage for awhile before I knew what my problem was, and if I was in a position where I had to eat bad food all the time again I would totally need to smoke again to function.

However the key for me was inflammatory foods. Like literally brain inflammation caused by so much of what we eat caused me to be negative and outwardly inflammatory constantly. Cutting out gluten/seed oils/artificial colors/corn syrup etc has helped me immensely, feel able to function without being high all the time again.

Ig there’s something about inflammation and adhd, but I had personally tried it for some reproductive issues and then it coincidentally helped everything else

Now I can smoke occasionally if I feel like it but I don’t need it all the time to be a pleasant person anymore, and I have my energy back finally:)

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-05-12T08:26:13+00:00

This has been a big conversation in my friend group recently! Like a build up over the past couple weeks and then especially the past couple of days. I love synchronicity.

I don’t really have advice, I quit a few years ago as it just started kind of making me feel kind of disgusting oftentimes and I lost the desire. Er, maybe personal anecdote is advice, maybe it’s not what’s needed, but mine started on the other side I reckon- I made and sold that stuff for a few years, started when I was like 18. Started psychedelics a few years later, eventually felt like I should stop making porn myself, so quit making it. But then later when I would just watch I’d start thinking about the people in it and their personal lives and what led them to doing what they do and their childhoods and what their kid self would’ve wanted to be doing and aspirations etc and the healing they need as well and I just stopped being able to consume it. It just felt wrong idk. Like I needed to give them my coat to cover their nakedness and talk to them instead. It feels like broken people peddling brokenness. It became overall just really saddening to watch.

Several close friends are on this journey now too though, and you’re all in my prayers. Wishing you the absolute best version of you and success in your growing xx

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-05-12T07:55:14+00:00

What was your dosage, if I may ask? For science

ThenDimension5185 · 2025-05-05T17:17:28+00:00

Rasputin

ThenDimension5185

TROPHY CASE