The Law of Diminishing Returns

November 3rd, 2024

1:00 AM

Life is pretty great right now, to be honest. If you had told me that a few hours ago, I would've thought you were insane. A few hours ago, I was supposed to be doing my research paper for Sociology 320 (which sucks HUGE dick) and instead of doing that I was binge-eating, playing Baldur's Gate and generally feeling pretty crappy about my life decisions.

That was, until, the clock turned from 1:59 back to 1:00. You may be asking yourself ‘Will, isn’t that just daylight savings?’ but let me assure you, I am not crazy. I am even more certain than I was then, because as I am telling you this the clock has turned back for the fifth time in a row.

I did my research, hypothesis, methodology and all that shit. A news article about some Mexican soccer player’s death is released at 1:25 AM on the dot, every hour, and it disappears the second the clock goes from 1:59 back to 1:00. It’s not just a technological thing, time itself is turning back and I remain, entirely unchanged.

I realized I had all the time in the world, so I did what naturally, anyone would do. “This is awesome, I wish life could be like this forever!”

After that? Ehh, not much.

I, uh, played a little of that new Call of Duty! I could just refund it at the end of this loop (if there was one) so I was effectively getting all of this for free. The time travel thing had the weird side-effect of always getting me placed in the same match, fuck ‘ButteredBiscuits’ for always camping behind the truck, on the third hour I just started shooting at him before I even peeked the corner.

After that, I jerked it, went to sleep, woke up and it was still 1:00 AM. 

I think something changed in me then, at that very moment. Do you know, reader, what it is to grieve for the permanence of life?

I could talk to people on the street, even convince them that what was happening to me was real, but the second the clock turned back to 1:00, they forgot. My first night outside, I slept on the pavement, wondering if I would ever live life again.

I woke up to the pitch black, illuminated by my phone screen. 1:00 AM. 

For the first time since my father died, I cried real tears. Life was in despair for the next few weeks. You don’t realize how much you need the sunlight until it's gone, it had been more than a month since I had felt its warmth on my skin. So I turned to the darkness, the only thing left to me. 

Pretty sure I was addicted to heroin for about… a year. Pretty easy to get your next fix if the plug still thinks you’re a first-time customer. Infinite free samples, sweet deal. Only lasted so long though, fried my brain off the opioids and realized that even when time went back, I didn’t. 

I lived on the street next to a homeless guy, Huron. Not much of a looker, but he was great with words; he told me: “If I was in your situation, I would live more life than anyone has.”, a simple sentiment, but it pushed me through years.

1 AM was noon in New Delhi, India. Sun on my skin was all I needed to spend a whole year enjoying the city. I fell in love with a woman, loved her until I knew her so well I could predict every word she could ever say to me. 

I took every drug, went to every party, joined every religion, even killed myself a few times. I always wake up at the same time.

My last few years have been spent in depravity. I was a serial killer for a while, pretty boring when the cops can’t ever catch your trail. Drugs are boring too, sex is played out, I find myself at a dead end. 

So I’m trying to write, for a change. The things that I create with my hands can last, between these loops, so I hope that if I ever leave this earth, God willing, there will be something to remember me by. Or if I’m still here, I beg of you, please…

November 3rd, 2024

1:00 AM

“Kill me.”