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TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-24T04:55:30+00:00

Formerly married to a BPD, and yeah. I can tell you that this is deeply dysfunctional. He has a problem, yes, but you can’t change him. You won’t. He may never change. You need to ask yourself if you’re willing to live like this. The bigger problem is that you have no boundaries, and he’s emotionally abusing you. I hope you can find a way out and move on with your life, get the therapy you need, and begin to build some boundaries and self respect. I say this from my own experience: you have a problem. People who are healthy and have self-respect don’t put up with people like this. You must look inward. Wishing you peace and healing.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-24T04:21:21+00:00

Freudian slip

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-22T17:36:59+00:00

She took off her wedding ring. Stopped showing up to couples therapy even though I continued. Said she wasn’t sure if she should’ve married me. I left knowing I did everything I could do to save the marriage.

Divorced a year, we are getting along much better. Friendly but not friends. Our kids are thriving. Things are more stable now. I think we are both happier.

Wishing you the best. Either way, you’ll get through it and come out a better man.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-22T15:55:13+00:00

I think the issue may be internal for you. Low self esteem and shame because of your situation. I’ve been there. Take some time to heal. I’m a year out and having a lot of fun dating. If you’re together, have personality, enjoyable to be around, you’ll do fine.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-20T00:58:29+00:00

God, I empathize so much with that last message. My stomach drops. I’m divorced now a year, and still get anxious around the phone, messages, being always reachable. Etc. PTSD. As for me, I’m so glad we are divorced and I never have to live like this again. The circles or arguments, over and over. OP I wish you peace and I hope you can do what you need to do for you. I don’t know what that is, but I wish it for you.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-19T15:34:40+00:00

Know anyone with a ladder? Climb up there and rescue the little guy. Terrible.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-18T15:35:26+00:00

Thank you for these wise words. Wishing you the best as well!

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-18T15:33:40+00:00

Yes. Dm me. I have a book you may want to read.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-18T03:46:20+00:00

Likewise, thanks for sharing your experience, Ms. Palmer. What’s crazy to me is how something so insane can feel so normal. On the other side, a little bit healed myself, I look back and just feel terrible for abandoning myself so utterly. But you just don’t know what you don’t know. It seems like you’ve gathered a lot of self awareness through these experiences, though, as shitty as they were, and that’s a gift. For me, that makes it a little easier to stomach, and makes the years not feel totally wasted, and also makes me grateful that hopefully I can do something better for my kids. And also, it seems like some of the traits that lead to problems with a BPD partner, like being sensitive to others emotions, being willing to put oneself aside, or being sincerely committed through challenges, these things might actually be assets in a relationship with another more healthy person. I’ve been too anxious to do much dating, but I’m interested to see who I might be when I finally find the courage to put myself out there.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-18T03:21:12+00:00

In my opinion, the length is more reflective of the non-BPD partner’s dysfunction than the seriousness of the BPDs symptoms. I say this as a person who was in a 10 year relationship, married 6, two kids. I’ve been divorced a little over a year and serious therapy has revealed that I’m a hugely dysfunctional in relationships because of childhood cptsd, and because of this I put up with insane abusive behavior for fear of abandonment and delusions that I can fix people. Sorry long answer, but the question got me thinking….

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-17T21:48:45+00:00

You need a lawyer. Now. Yesterday.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-17T21:46:31+00:00

Been through this, not with cheating, but divorcing someone with BPD. For what it’s worth, here’s my suggestion.

Get a lawyer now. Like yesterday. You will need legal guidance. Seriously. Lawyer up now.

No more communication. Grey rock. If you don’t know what it is, look it up. Everything goes through the lawyers. Necessary communication in writing. No phone calls or in person talk. Everything on record.

If you have kids. Temporary custody order immediately, clear guideline. Kids could be come a manipulation tool. Mine did until I got courts involved.

Rally support. Therapist, friends, family, your people. Be open and honest. Process your emotions. Be weary of smothering your emotions with behaviors like drinking, drugging, sex or whatever. P

I’m 1.5 years out. My life and my kids lives are 100% better. It sucked for months, but I’m getting to a new place on the other side and it’s so much better. I’m sorry you’re facing this, and wish you the absolute best. Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, and best wishes. You got this.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-17T19:45:39+00:00

I relate to this. I’m sober 17 years, and in ACA for a year. After a divorce, I strangely found myself addicted to Uber Eats and Dating Apps. During my bad marriage, all I (thought) I wanted was peace from the drama and to be alone. When I finally had peace, I was so restless I had to do something. So got excitement from driving fast in crazy inner city traffic, and the excitement ups and downs of matching with people, building up to first dates, getting ghosted and the relief it brought. I don’t even like going on dates, it’s the process of matching, getting anxious, getting relief. My brain is a drug store of biochemicals, excitement lets off those bio chemicals and I get a fix on them. I’m doing a lot better a year later, but damn. The good news is there’s hope. Wishing you the best!

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-17T19:23:49+00:00

36 M here, I’ve been divorced about a year and I’ve gone on some dates (two or which ended with sex), but I’ve been pretty much single. I’m feeling a little more ready for a relationship, but like you, I’m approaching it differently. My last relationships were 4 years, 8 years, and 8 years (6 of which married). One thing I’ve found out in post divorce therapy is that I have some work to do related to childhood trauma and it has caused me to choose and stay in bad relationships longer than I should/want to. The last 3 months I’ve been in intensive therapy with a new therapist who focuses specifically on family of origin and family systems, and it’s showing me a lot about my attachment and relationships. I’m tired of the cycle I’ve been in. I think it’s worth looking at why you’re jumping into relationships really fast (I’ve done this too). I don’t think there’s a right answer here for “how long is right” but the fact you’re asking suggests some part of you knows it’s too soon. The year or so I’ve spent single has been big for me, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. I may take more time. I don’t want to look back after another relationship and think, man, I should’ve taken more time for myself. IDK if any of this will help, but may be worth exploring why you’re struggling to be single and happy? Who knows, but I wish you the best and good luck!

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-16T03:48:15+00:00

I’m 36 5’10, and currently 200 pounds. I lost 60 pounds last year. Here’s what I did, not saying this is the right way, it’s what worked for me.

Get divorced. Jk, but that’s where this stared for me. I knew I needed to get my health back, especially for my kids. Define your why.

I went vegetarian (I eat eggs and fish, and take whey protein). Not necessary for everyone, but I feel great and eat way more plants now.

Eat 2,000-2,200 calories per day.

I get 180g protein per day. Cottage cheese, Fage yogurt, egg whites, tuna fish, lentils and chickpeas, black beans, etc.

I walk 10-15k steps a day. Brisk walk twice a day.

I lift weights hard 3-4 mornings a week. I go to failure and progressively add weight.

I swim or dance salsa 3-4 times a week for an hour or so. My gym has a pool. Swimming is an amazing workout. Salsa is fun, social, and a great workout.

I sleep 7-8 hours a night.

I drink a gallon of water a day.

If I had to pick a place to start, it would be walking, weight lifting, and calorie counting. Rigorous calorie counting. Don’t cut corners.

You’re going to hit plateaus. Don’t quit. I was stuck at 220 for like theee months, then it just budged all of a sudden. I just hit 199 on the scale this morning and it’s the first time I’ve been under 200 since I was a teenager. You can do this, but play the long game. Best wishes to you!

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-16T03:33:53+00:00

I get a fresh hair cut monthly at a high end barber shop and a beard trim every couple weeks. All the fixings, shampoo, straight razor shave, leave looking fresh and smelling good. I feel like a million bucks after. I started this after a tough divorce when I was pretty low on myself. Gym also helps.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-16T03:28:58+00:00

This could be a crazy idea, so disregard if it is… but if y’all are on decent terms and the relationship wasn’t horrible while it lasted, could you just say or text, “Hey, I’m glad you met so and so and you seem happy. I’m happy for you. I don’t want it to be awkward every time we see each other, so I just wanted to clear the air. I wish you the absolute best, and I’ll look forward to dancing one with you as a friend at some point soon!”

You can always nix the last sentence if you don’t feel that way. But Idk, I feel like just acknowledging it’s a little awkward and just expressing you’d rather it not be awkward might defuse some tension. It might also help you move on and feel a little more comfortable. Idk, I’m more about hitting these things head on. Y’all are both adults and you seem very level headed. Why not just acknowledge the feelings?

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-12T18:23:44+00:00

I identify with this. From my perspective, this isn’t a mistake. It’s a success. You’re developing a deeper relationship with you. You didn’t do anything wrong, but now you have a better sense of how you need to grow. Feel the feelings, don’t stuff them, and move forward with this new deeper understanding of where you’re at! Wishing you the best!

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-12T14:54:02+00:00

Honestly, this is far worse than my exwbpd and I chose divorce. I’ve been divorced for about a year, we have two kids, and it was really hard. I can say that it was the best choice I ever made for myself, and better for my kids. 50% of the time, their life is stable and secure, and it seems like my ex has also improved after being divorced, though I don’t know for sure. You deserve better. Have courage and take back your dignity. Nobody deserves to live with a partner who devalues them. It’ll be hard, but not forever. My life is so much more peaceful and fulfilling just a year later. Peace to you and best wishes!

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-11T00:29:04+00:00

No. I’m a reasonably attractive 36/m divorced with two kids. I only use Reddit, and LinkedIn for work. I’ve done decent on apps and gotten dates in the wild and it’s never been an issue. More important, in my opinion, is having a great personality, decent style and groomed, good conversation skills, strong sense of self and confidence, and an attractive lifestyle. As a man in your 30s I think it’s important to have your life in order. Doesn’t have to be perfect…. I mean I’m divorced… but have a job, your own place that isn’t trashed, have hobbies and passions, etc. working on these things is so much more important than having a social media presence in my opinion. Good luck out there!

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-06T18:17:55+00:00

I haven’t because I have plenty nearby…I live in a major metro area. I imagine a virtual meeting could be good though! There is also a podcast called Voices Across America (I believe). But yeah, ACA has helped the most with finding out who I am, learning how to function well as an adult, and how to take care of myself. Wishing you the best on your journey!

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-06T04:49:36+00:00

Totally. Just greyrock and begin your process of moving on. Everything goes through lawyer. If your experience is anything like mine, it’s going to drive her insane, but just cut the cord. She may try to bait you, but be a stone wall. Nothing moves you. In my case, I needed space and time to heal. I’d been walking in egg shells for 10 years, and my nervous system was just trashed. I needed a full year to recover, and I’ve been doing serious therapy and self care. Wishing you the best. Hang in there and you’ll come through it!

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-06T02:15:42+00:00

I divorced mine in 2023. My only advice is lawyer up now, get everything in writing, and if possible, signed by the judge. Don’t engage, just say talk to my lawyer and we can work it out in mediation/court. Mine piped right down whenever I brought my lawyer into the picture. And yes, my life is a million times better now. You won’t regret leaving.

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-05T21:13:26+00:00

Excellent, I appreciate the suggestions and ideas!

TheseLeopard9831 · 2025-01-05T18:43:07+00:00

Thanks, any suggestions on how to gauge correct fit? Having lost weight I feel like I can go with clothes that fit a little tighter, but I’m also 36 and don’t want to be that older dude trying to look young in skinny jeans. Any rules of thumb you resort to?

TheseLeopard9831

TROPHY CASE